He said he loved me and I stayed quiet and still. He had married me. You have to remember that. He had ringed me.
Several weeks later I told him. I told him about my beloved. His face fell in all its possible directions, my little husband Toadie, but then he composed himself and called me the only word he could think of, a lesbian. A goddamn lesbian. Well, when something hurts you, you can always find some dumb label for your accusation. Not just dumb but dumb. I picked up one of our vinyl kitchen chairs and threw it at him. It missed, by the way.
Anyway, what Ive just told you was what prompted the chair incident. I had grown big, and he was trying to belittle me.
YOU THINK THAT what Ive just told you is an anecdote. But really it isnt. Its my whole life. Its the only story I have.
FOUR
I FOUND KATHRYN, I say. You know, she wasnt at all hard to track down. Shes listed in the phone directory. She told me all about it. She told me about Jenny and how she left you and how she threw a chair at you. Im sorry about that chair, I guess, but its still a good story.
Wonderful, Bradley says. Thats just great. He scratches his hair. But you should realize our marriage was a long time ago, all that stuff, her leaving me and all. He hops up and down twice, an odd gesture. You didnt have to look her up, you know. You could have taken my word for it. Kind of a small-minded trick, if you ask me, finding people to bear witness to my past. He grins at me. Isnt this an excellent fire?
Bradley had called and arranged to meet me at a benefit for the Ann Arbor fire department. Theyd be burning an abandoned house two stories, an attic, and an attached garage, he said out in the township. The firefighters would be showing the locals how they do what they do, and thered be a suggested donation of four dollars to help the Firemens fund. Now were standing off to the side, in a ditchlike dogleg of the dirt road bordered by poplars and junipers, watching this old firetrap farmhouse burn, as the accelerants planted in the basement explode and speed the flames along. From this distance, the fire has a festive quality. Just ahead and to my left, one fire truck, a tanker of some sort, is spewing water entertainingly through a second-floor window, while the children in the crowd cheer and run around in circles. A Dalmatian sits on another truck, looking rather smug. On the right of us, the firefighters themselves, in their yellow coveralls, are watching with academic interest as the house burns.
Its a great fire, I say to Bradley, feeling the heat on my face. But as for looking up Kathryn, well, this whole thing was your idea, I tell him. Having everybody give me stories. Besides, the two of us, Kathryn and I, talked in your coffee shop, the one you own. It wasnt secret or anything.
Kathryn. Shes still with Jenny?
I nod. She says men are really hard to love. Hard for her to love. Were not very lovable, she says. Do I look lovable to you?
Im not answering that. Youre going to have trouble with continuity, Charlie. By the way, you know what you should do? You should talk to my employees in Jitters. Theyre just kids. Theres a cross section for you. Start with this girl Chloé. She pronounces it Chloé, not Clow-ee but Clow-ay I dont have any idea where she gets that from. Quite a girl. Excuse me. Woman, I suppose I should have said. Shes got a boyfriend named Oscar. Chloé and Oscar. Theyre sweet kids, but I dont think they represent anything. You wont get them to stand as symbols of todays youth, too bad for you.
I give him a look. He ignores me and keeps on talking. They met at that fast-food place, Dr. Enchiladas. She quit that job. She said she went home smelling of guacamole and that the karma was bad. The karma was bad! Really, you should talk to her. Incidentally, while were on the subject, you should stop talking to me. This is getting much too personal. But as long as youre collecting stories, did I ever explain to you how I got the dog back?
No.
Youre going to think this is funny. I know you. Itll make you chuckle. But it wasnt funny at all. Its a comic story, just not comic to me.
MY SISTER AGATHA lives north of here, in Five Oaks. Youve been there, I believe. Shes married to a guy named Harold, who happens to be a barber. A really incompetent barber, by the way, just as a barber, though hes a nice guy in other respects, nice enough, anyhow, for what his daily life requires. Nice isnt much of a virtue, though; kindness and mildness arent on the map anymore, not these days. Theyre trivial. As it happens, Harold learned how to cut hair when he was in the Army. Certainly that could explain it. His father was a security guard, worked for Brinks. You let Harold cut your hair and youll emerge smelling of Clubman and looking like Boris Karloff out for a night on the town.
MY SISTER AGATHA lives north of here, in Five Oaks. Youve been there, I believe. Shes married to a guy named Harold, who happens to be a barber. A really incompetent barber, by the way, just as a barber, though hes a nice guy in other respects, nice enough, anyhow, for what his daily life requires. Nice isnt much of a virtue, though; kindness and mildness arent on the map anymore, not these days. Theyre trivial. As it happens, Harold learned how to cut hair when he was in the Army. Certainly that could explain it. His father was a security guard, worked for Brinks. You let Harold cut your hair and youll emerge smelling of Clubman and looking like Boris Karloff out for a night on the town.
They have two kids, my nephews. Harold was in love with a married woman years ago, Louise, her name was, and Louise had a son I always thought Harold had fathered, but thats another story, and I think hes over that by now. He got over that when he met Agatha.
But this was about the dog, Bradley. I had taken Bradley out of the Humane Society and arranged to sneak him up to Five Oaks and to board him with Agatha and Harold, until I had accustomed Kathryn to dog householding, to living with a dog. My sister and Harold have a big house up there in Five Oaks, with plenty of room for a mutt. Their colonial is close to a WaldChem plant, and the house has five bedrooms and didnt cost them too much, because of the chemical fumes or the poisoned groundwater or something, or simply because theyre located in central Michigan. Its a huge house. Anyway, I thought it would take about a month for me to talk my then-wife Kathryn into tolerating a canine companion. I thought we needed a dog, required one. I thought our marriage required a dog. Young married people crave dogs. It cements them together. It gives them baby practice.
But I didnt have to talk Kathryn into our having a dog because she picked up a chair and threw it at me and left me for Jenny. When she threw that chair, she missed me, by the way. She couldve broken my head open. Besides, what was so bad about what I said? Was she a lesbian? Or was it me? As a man? I wanted her to clarify my thinking. I was just trying to get her transformation lucid in my mind. She says I cursed at her but that is not the case. I may have raised my voice, but I did not curse. Anyway, after that climactic moment, I was alone by myself in the apartment, and I wanted that dog, Bradley, back. I shouldnt say this, but I felt grief. And I needed that dog. I had nothing to hold on to except that dog, that dog with my name on it, my secret sharer, you might say.
So on a bright Saturday morning in early winter I called my sister, Agatha. I told her I was going to drive up to her house in Five Oaks and get Bradley the dog and take him back home. Thanks for keeping him all this time, I said. I thought I should warn her I was coming, to ensure that shed be around when I appeared on her doorstep.
Uh, she said, I dont know about that.
What do you mean, you dont know?
You cant have Bradley back, is what I mean. There was a long pause, and I could hear domestic noise in the background.
Excuse me?
Im sorry, Bradley. But I cant do it. You cant have the dog back. Were keeping him.
Agatha, Bradley is my dog.
Well, not really. Not anymore. Hes bonded with us.
Bonded with you? Wait wait wait wait wait, I said. We had a deal, Agatha. We agreed. The deal was, you were going to board Bradley for a month or two, you know, enjoy his company, like you would a foreign exchange student, and I would pay you for expenses if need be, and then you were going to give him back.
I know, but that was then. This must sound like a surprise, Agatha said. But, as I say, were not going to return him. Were not going to because we cant. Im really sorry, Bradley, but were in love with him. The love is total and goes both ways. The foreign exchange student stays.
Agatha, dont talk to me about love. Kathryn has left me, Im alone here, Im very upset, what with my marriage suddenly over, and I need a dog. That dog, that specific dog, and no other. Bradley.
Oh, sweetie, believe me, I understand. My heart goes out to you, she said. You know that. I think what Kathryn did to you was just unforgivable. And cruel. She was selfish. She was always selfish. Forgive me, but she was a real bitch, that woman, leaving you without so much as an apology. Ill never speak to her again. But Harold and I have talked about this, and we think that you should go back to the Humane Society and get another dog. I mean, something truly extraordinary has happened here with us and Bradley. I cant describe it. Besides, you can fall
Dont say that. Dont say I can fall in love with another dog.
I wasnt going to say that at all, she said, although, of course, she was. I was going to say But my sister is not all that quick-witted and couldnt think of a substitute for what she had planned to announce to me.
Agatha, you gave me your word.
Well, Im taking it back. Its null and void.
You cant take your word back after giving it, I said. Thats dishonorable.
No? Well, unless I miss my guess, I just did. And honor: well, thats such a guy thing.
Agatha, I want that dog. For Gods sake. This is not a joke. Im talking about my stability here. There was a long pause. Then I said, Now that I think about it, I could never count on you.
Bradley, really, Im sorry, but as their mother, I have to think of the kids. They just love Bradley. Hes a great kid dog. They can pummel him and he doesnt mind at all. Hes what they call a nanny dog. This dog contributes to family values.
Oh no. Jeez, this is like always. Damn it, you always took things and never gave them back. You took my toys and wrecked them. You wrecked the wind-up parking garage and then later you took my car, I mean my real car, the green Pontiac, when I was in college, and you dented it and you never told me until I saw the dent. I shouldve remembered how you do that. But I thought: this time I can trust Agatha.