Perhaps I would. How do I know I am a good father to my sons? But that is then. You are now. I am good for you, Vi? Am I?
Yes. But you like me, you see. My families dont.
Yes, I do like you Violet. Very much.
She went off to the little kitchen used by patients to make themselves tea, cocoa, toast, sandwiches. When she returned with two cups of tea, a woman patient had sat herself near the handsome and distinguished Professor, but at Violets killing black glances, she hastily withdrew.
I heard Doctor X say that Doctor Y favoured you unfairly.
Yes, Doctor Y told me that too.
And Doctor X said to Nurse Black that he thought it was possible you are shamming.
That I do remember?
That you remember more than you let on.
What I remember they wont have at any price, thats my trouble.
Doctor X said there was a case last year when a man went on pretending he couldnt remember his wife, but then Doctor X caught him out and he had to go home.
I dont remember my wife or my mistress. I am very attractive to women, thats clear enough. They both hate my guts.
I dont think that is very funny, if you do.
Im sorry.
I dont hate you.
No, but you arent a woman.
No. Oh no, Im not. Oh no, no.
You look very like my girl, the one that was killed in Yugoslavia.
You never were in Yugoslavia.
But I oh very well. I dont see why you should mind that.
But I do mind. They know you werent in Yugoslavia.
All the same, you do look like her.
Perhaps I am the first person that belongs to your new memory. I mean, the people in the ward and me and Doctor Y and Doctor X, we are what youve made your new memory out of?
Not Doctor X!
Oh, I dont know, I suppose hes not as bad as that. I mean, why do we all hate Doctor X? They arent all that different, are they?
Yes. Oh yes, they are.
Well all right, Im sorry, oh, please dont get upset.
All right.
But when you do start remembering all the people in your life, what will happen to me? I mean, I was thinking last night, now Im an important person in your mind
You are, you are, I promise you, Violet.
But when it all comes back, Ill be one of hundreds?
Perhaps it wont come back.
When it does, will you want to be my friend?
I am sure I will.
But she wont.
Are you sure of that?
Yes. I saw her both of the times she came to see you. I was the one who took her in to you, and showed her the way and everything. That was when I was being co-operative and amenable.
She is very attractive. He has good taste, the Professor has.
Is she what you would choose now, do you think?
I wouldnt mind. I wouldnt mind at all if I could just go off with her as if I had just met her.
I am sure I will.
But she wont.
Are you sure of that?
Yes. I saw her both of the times she came to see you. I was the one who took her in to you, and showed her the way and everything. That was when I was being co-operative and amenable.
She is very attractive. He has good taste, the Professor has.
Is she what you would choose now, do you think?
I wouldnt mind. I wouldnt mind at all if I could just go off with her as if I had just met her.
But you have only just met her.
I know when Im with her that she is telling me the truth. She hates me, you see.
Yes, she does. But its not you she hates so much. She hates her life.
Are you sure of that?
Yes. I saw her face. I took a good close look, both times. I knew what she was feeling.
Tell me then.
Shes like my mother.
But perhaps everyone is?
No. Because if that is true it means you are like my father, and you arent, you arent, you arent.
Dont cry then.
I dont cry. Never. Or if I do, it isnt me thats crying. I can watch myself cry its not worth anything, not like real sorrow she was crying like anything last time.
They say I lost my memory because I feel guilty.
Do you?
I think I feel guilty because I lost my memory. I do feel very deeply indeed that it is irresponsible to lose ones memory.
If you feel that, you havent lost your memory, but you have only lost some facts, some events.
Oh yes, I do tell myself that. But theres something else. Yes. Theres something I have to remember. I have to.
But dont get excited, it makes it worse.
Ive been here over two months, Violet.
Dont let them send you to that place. Dont.
But if I refuse to go, they say Ill have to have shock.
Both of them, the middle-aged man and the pretty girl, turned to look at a person, a woman, who sat in a chair a few feet away, watching the television. The programme had at last started. Then they looked at another person, a middle-aged man, and then at another, and so on, around the room. The people their glances were isolating in this way had had shock treatments, or were in the course of having them.
There was no method of treatment that caused more emotion in the wards, more fear. Yet of the people in that room, more than half had had the electric current switched through their brains. Although some of the new drugs that were being used were as powerful as electric shocks, and although as little was known about their effects as was known about shock treatment, these new drugs did not provoke nearly as much fearful comment and speculation.
Brian Smith says he knows to a week when he is going to have to come in and have another set of shocks, she said.
Mrs. Jones told me she couldnt bear the thought of living without them, he agreed.
There was a considerable silence.
Roger is going out next week, she said at last. He says he will be looking for a flat to share. He says we can go and live with him if we like, until we find a place of our own.
Oh good. Thats very kind. Yes, Im sure that would be the best thing for both of us.
Well now Professor.
Well now Doctor Y?
Ive got you another two weeks. But it wasnt easy and I am afraid its the last extension possible. It would be so much easier if you didnt show your dislike of Doctor X so strongly. It is quite irrational you know. I understand that among the patients Im a goody and he is a baddy. Its like schoolchildren.
I dont dislike him.
But you never say a word to him.
There is nothing I can say. Hes not there.
Well, well.
Doctor Y, have you thought at all of what I suggested?
Oh, come now, Professor!
Id look after her. You dont imagine I understand her. All she needs is to be allowed to behave like a little girl.
You fancy yourself as a nursery maid?
Or as her father.
It doesnt matter what I think, anyway. It wouldnt be possible. She has two fathers, two mothers, three sisters and a brother. As I know to my sorrow.
But its not illegal?
No. But youd find the whole lot buzzing around you day and night. No, its better she stays here where she is allowed to be a little girl without the benefit of her relations.
It is very strange to me, Doctor Y. You say youd be delighted if I went to stay with Miles Bovey. Or with Rosemary Baines.
Both have said theyd be happy to have you stay with them as long as it would help. Mr. Bovey has a cottage in Wales, he says. It would be quiet for you. And Miss Baines sounds a reasonable type of woman.
And yet I dont know either of them.
You said you did remember wandering around by yourself that night when you got to Miss Baines?
A little. Not much. It isnt the wandering around that is the point. No. The point is there was something I had to remember. Have to remember. I know that. I was looking for something. Somebody.
Yourself?
Words. Thats a word. To you that means one thing, but its different to me.
You think youll remember if you share a flat with Violet?
I dont know. But you see, shes nowdo you understand? Shes not like a person in a dream. She cant suddenly turn into something elseand make up a past for me.
I dont think either Miles Bovey or Miss Baines would make up a past for you. And above all, it wouldnt be an emotional pressure, as it might be if you went home too soon.
I dont know why I can never make you understand. I can get Violet to understand everything I say.
Are you sure shes not behaving as a small girl would playing at grownups?
I am sure sometimes, yes. But she is not just a small girl, Doctor Y. Emotionally yes, of course. But in other ways she understands things you dont.
Well, Im sorry. What do you want me to do? I can say to you that I agree it might help both you and Violet to spend a period of convalescence together. I could say that. But I am sure there would be other opinions. Not least from her parents. All four of them.
Shes twenty-one.
Legally.
So thats that.
If you and Violet left tomorrow and set up a ménage together you wouldnt be stopped physically. But I guarantee shed come running back to us inside a week.
To be protected from me?
From her feelings about you, first of all. And mostly because of her family.
But why should they know?
Its extremely easy to find out where people are these days. There is an industry to do just that.
All right Doctor. Then I have one choice the less. And the one that Ill end up with is my wife and family.
In the end, yes. Because thats where you belong.
Tell me, was there a point in your life that was a real turning point? You could have chosen to do something else?
No, I think my life has been pretty mapped out for me by circumstances.
But when you think of yourself, you dont think of yourself as your circumstances, surely.
I could have done other things, of course. But Ive been the same person.
Then why do I have to be Professor Thingabob? And Im not Felicitys husband and the father of James and Philip. Suppose I had gone back to Yugoslavia after the war and married Vera? She was Konstantinas close friend.
Look Professor, whether I understand you or not doesnt make any difference, you know. There are certain roads open to you. I want to list them again right?
Why dont you see?
You can go home. Your wife says shell be happy, any time you decide to go home. We think this would be a mistake as you are now. We dont know but we think it is possible that your home or your wife or your children set you off in the first place.
It was nothing to do with Felicity. It was to do with
Go on, catch it to do with what?
It went. How can I not remember? How? Its just there, always. I feel I could catch it by suddenly turning my head, its so close. Like a shadow out of the corner of my eye.