Beaumont & Fletchers Works (2 of 10) – the Humourous Lieutenant - Francis Beaumont

Francis Beaumont

Beaumont & Fletcher's Works (2 of 10) – the Humourous Lieutenant

Persons Represented in the Play

King Antigonus, an old Man with young desires.

Demetrius, Son to Antigonus, in love with Celia.

Seleucus, Lysimachus, Ptolomie, Three Kings equal sharers with

Antigonus of what Alexander had, with united powers opposing

Antigonus.

Leontius, a brave old merry Souldier, assistant to Demetrius.

Timon, Charinthus, Menippus, Servants to Antigonus, and his vices.

The Humourous Lieutenant.

Gentlemen, Friends and followers of Demetrius.

_3 Embassadors, from the three Kings.

Gentlemen-Ushers._

Grooms.

Citizens.

Physicians.

Herald.

Magician.

Souldiers.

Host.

WOMEN.

Celia alias E[n]anthe, Daughter to Seleucus, Mistris to Demetrius.

Leucippe, a Bawd, Agent for the King's lust.

Ladies.

Citizens Wives.

Governesse to Celia.

A Country-Woman.

Phoebe, her Daughter.

2 Servants of the game.

The Scene Greece.

The principal Actors were,

Henry Condel. John Lowin. Richard Sharpe. Robert Benfeild. Joseph Taylor. William Eglestone. John Underwood. Thomas Polard.

ACTUS PRIMUS. SCENA PRIMA

1 Usher. Round, round, perfume it round, quick, look ye Diligently the state be right, are these the richest Cushions? Fie, fie, who waits i'th' wardrobe?

2 Ush. But pray tell me, do you think for certain These Embassadours shall have this morning audience?

1 Ush. They shall have it: Lord that you live at Court And understand not! I tell you they must have it.

2 Ush. Upon what necessity?

1 Ush. Still you are out of the trick of Court, sell your place,

1 Ush. Why, whither would ye all press?

1 Cit. Good Master Usher.

2 Cit. My wife, and some few of my honest neighbours, here.

1 Ush. Prethee begone thou and thy honest Neighbours, Thou lookst like an Ass, why, whither would you fish face?

1 Ush. A – upon thee.

2 Cit. Some Musick I'le assure you too, My toy, Sir, can play o'th' Virginals.

1 Ush. What's your business? Who keeps the outward door there? here's fine shuffling, You wastcoateer you must go back.

1 Ush. Death, she is mad.

Cel. And were yourself an honest man? it cannot—

1 Ush. What a Devil hast thou to do with me or my honesty? Will you be jogging, good nimble tongue, My fellow door-keeper.

2 Ush. Prethee let her alone,

1 Ush. The King is coming, And shall we have an agent from the Suburbs Come to crave audience too?

1 Ush. What's that?

2 Ush. You must be modester.

2 Ush. A perillous wench.

1 Ush. Thrust her into a corner, I'le no more on her.

2 Ush. You have enough, go pretty Maid, stand close, And use that little tongue, with a little more temper.

Cel. I thank ye, Sir.

Cel. O very merry.

2 Ush. Only our selves; this churlish fellow shall not know.

Cel. By no means.

2 Ush. And can you love a little?

Cel. Love exceedingly: I have cause to love you, dear Sir.

Cel. Yes marry will I.

2 Ush. And't shall go hard but I'le send ye a Venison Pasty, And bring a bottle of wine along.

1 Ush. Make room there,

2 Ush. Room there afore; stand close, the train is coming.

Cel. Have I yet left a beauty to catch fools? Yet, yet, I see him not. O what a misery Is love, expected long, deluded longer!

Ant. Conduct in the Embassadors.

1 Ush. Make room there.

Ant. They shall not wait long answer— [Flourish.

Cle. Yet he comes not.

3 Em. Choose which you will, or Peace or War, We come prepar'd for either.

Cel. What a brave confidence flows from his spirit! O sweet young man!

Dem. I know this week ye have not; I will redeem all. You are so tender now; think where you are, sweet.

Cel. What other light have I left?

Dem. Prethee Celia, Indeed I'le see you presently.

Cel. I have done, Sir: You will not miss?

Dem. By this, and this, I will not.

Cel. 'Tis in your will and I must be obedient.

Dem. No more of these assemblies.

Cel. I am commanded.

1 Ush. Room for the Lady there: Madam, my service—

1 Gent. My Coach an't please you Lady.

2 Ush. Room before there.

2 Gent. The honour, Madam, but to wait upon you— My servants and my state.

Dem. War, War, my noble Father.

1 Em. Thus I fling it: And fair ey'd peace, farewel.

Ant. You have your answer; Conduct out the Embassadours, and give 'em Convoyes.

3 Em. You will find so hot a Souldier's welcome, Sir, Your favour shall not freeze.

2 Em. A forward Gentleman, Pity the Wars should bruise such hopes—

2 Gent. Never till life leave us, Sir.

Ant. O Leontius, Here's work for you in hand.

Leon. I am ev'n right glad, Sir. For by my troth, I am now grown old with idleness; I hear we shall abroad, Sir.

Ant. Yes, and presently, But who think you commands now?

Leo. Your grace hath made me young again, and wanton.

Ant. She must be known and suddenly: Do ye know her? [to Minippus.

Gent. Char. No, believe Sir.

Ant. Did you observe her, Timon?

Tim. I look'd on her, But what she is—

Ant. I must have that found. Come in and take your leave.

Tim. And some few Prayers along.

Dem. I know my duty, [Exit Ant. You shall be half my Father.

Leo. All your Servant: Come Gentlemen, you are resolv'd I am sure To see these wars.

1 Gent. We dare not leave his fortunes, Though most assur'd death hung round about us.

Gen. We'l attend Sir.

Leo. But I beseech your Grace, with speed; the sooner We are i'th' field.—

Dem. You could not please me better. [Exit.

Leo. You never saw the wars yet?

Gent. Not yet Colonel.

Lieu. Oh Sir, as ill as ever; We shall have wars they say; they are mustring yonder: Would we were at it once: fie, how it plagues me.

Leo. Here's one has served now under Captain Cupid, And crackt a Pike in's youth: you see what's come on't.

Lieu. No, my disease will never prove so honourable.

Leo. Why sure, thou hast the best pox.

Lieu. If I have 'em, I am sure I got 'em in the best company; They are pox of thirty Coats.

Gent. 'Tis strange he should do all this, and diseas'd so.

Leo. I am sure 'tis true: Lieutenant, canst thou drink well?

Lieu. Would I were drunk, dog-drunk, I might not feel this backward?

Gent. I would take Physick.

Lieu. But I would know my disease first.

Leon. Why? it may be the Colique: canst thou blow

Lieu. There's never a bag-pipe in the Kingdom better.

Gent. Is't not a pleuresie?

Lieu. 'Tis any thing That has the Devil, and death in't: will ye march Gentlemen? The Prince has taken leave.

Leo. How know ye that?

Leo. Let's away Gentlemen, For sure the Prince will stay on us.

Gent. We'l attend Sir. [Exeunt.

SCENA II

Cel. Must ye needs go?

Dem. Or stay with all dishonour.

Cel. Are there not men enough to fight?

Dem. Fie Celia. This ill becomes the noble love you bear me; Would you have your love a coward?

Cel. No; believe Sir, I would have him fight, but not so far off from me.

Dem. Wouldst have it thus? or thus?

Cel. If that be fighting—

Dem. Ye wanton fool: when I come home again I'le fight with thee, at thine own weapon Celia, And conquer thee too.

Cel. That you have done already, You need no other Arms to me, but these Sir; But will you fight your self Sir?

Dem. Thus deep in bloud wench, And through the thickest ranks of Pikes.

Cel. Spur bravely Your firie Courser, beat the troops before ye, And cramb the mouth of death with executions.

Dem. I would do more than these: But prethee tell me, Tell me my fair, where got'st thou this male Spirit? I wonder at thy mind.

Cel. Were I a man then, You would wonder more.

Dem. Sure thou wouldst prove a Souldier, And some great Leader.

Cel. Sure I should do somewhat; And the first thing I did, I should grow envious, Extreamly envious of your youth, and honour.

Dem. And fight against me?

Cel. Ten to one, I should do it.

Dem. Thou wouldst not hurt me?

Cel. In this mind I am in I think I should be hardly brought to strike ye, Unless 'twere thus; but in my mans mind—

Dem. What?

Cel. I should be friends with you too, Now I think better.

Cel. No, I confess, I am a fool, a woman: And ever when I part with you—

Dem. You shall not, These tears are like prodigious signs, my sweet one, I shall come back, loaden with fame, to honour thee.

Dem. Prethee, No more of this, I cannot find her.

Cel. That shews as far beyond my wither'd beauty; And will run mad to love ye too.

Dem. Do you fear me, And do you think, besides this face, this beauty, This heart, where all my hopes are lock'd—

Cel. I dare not: No sure, I think ye honest; wondrous honest. Pray do not frown, I'le swear ye are.

Dem. Ye may choose.

Cel. But how long will ye be away?

Dem. I know not.

Cel. I know you are angry now: pray look upon me: I'le ask no more such questions.

Dem. The Drums beat, I can no longer stay.

Cel. They do but call yet: How fain you would leave my Company?

Dem. I wou'd not, Unless a greater power than love commanded, Commands my life, mine honour.

Cel. But a little.

Dem. Prethee farewel, and be not doubtfull of me.

Dem. I will Celia, I will be carefull.

Cel. My heart, that loves ye dearly.

Dem. Prethee no more, we must part: [Drums a March. Hark, they march now.

Cel. Pox on these bawling Drums: I am sure you'l kiss me, But one kiss? what a parting's this?

Cel. I have done: farewel Sir, Never look back, you shall not stay, not a minute.

Dem. I must have one farewel more.

Cel. No, the Drums beat; I dare not slack your honour; not a hand more, Only this look; the gods preserve, and save ye.

ACTUS SECUNDUS. SCENA PRIMA

Ant. What, have ye found her out?

Char. We have hearkned after her.

Ant. What's that to my desire?

Char. Your grace must give us time, And a little means.

Tim. She is sure a stranger, If she were bred or known here—

Ant. Your dull endeavours Enter Menippus. Should never be employ'd. Welcom Menippus.

Men. I have found her Sir, I mean the place she is lodg'd in; her name is Celia, And much adoe I had to purchase that too.

Ant. Dost think Demetrius loves her?

Men. Much I fear it, But nothing that way yet can win for certain. I'le tell your grace within this hour.

Ant. A stranger?

Men. Without all doubt.

Ant. But how should he come to her?

Men. There lies the marrow of the matter hid yet.

Ant. Hast thou been with thy wife?

Men. No Sir, I am going to her.

Ant. Go and dispatch, and meet me in the garden, And get all out ye can. [Exit.

Men. I'le doe my best Sir. [Exit.

Tim. Blest be thy wife, thou wert an arrant ass else.

Char. I, she is a stirring woman indeed: There's a brain Brother.

SCENA II

Dem. I will not see 'em fall thus, give me way Sir, I shall forget you love me else.

Dem. I have lost my self.

Leo. You are cozen'd.

Dem. And am most miserable.

Leo. There's no man so, but he that makes himself so.

Dem. I will goe on.

Dem. Charge but once more Leontius, My friends and my companions are engag'd all.

Leo. Nay give 'em lost, I saw 'em off their horses, And the enemy master of their Arms; nor could then The policie, nor strength of man redeem 'em.

Dem. And shall I know this, and stand fooling?

Leo. By my dead Fathers soul you stir not, Sir, Or if you doe, you make your way through me first.

Dem. Thou art a Coward.

Dem. Pray do not kill me, These words pierce deeper than the wounds I suffer, The smarting wounds of loss.

Lieu. I know not: I am mall'd: we are bravely beaten, All our young gallants lost.

Leo. Thou art hurt.

Dem. All the young men lost?

Leo. Now Sir, Do you find this truth?

Dem. I would not.

Lieu. Pox upon it, They have such tender bodies too; such Culisses, That one good handsom blow breaks 'em a pieces.

Leo. How stands the Enemy?

Lieu. Even cool enough too: For to say truth he has been shrewdly heated, The Gentleman no doubt will fall to his jewlips.

Leo. He marches not i'th' tail on's.

Lieu. When shall I get a Surgeon? this hot weather, Unless I be well pepper'd, I shall stink, Colonel.

Leo. Go, I'le prepare thee one.

Lieu. If ye catch me then, Fighting again, I'le eat hay with a horse. [Exit.

SCENA III

Leu. Have ye written to Merione?

1 Ma. Yes, Madam.

Leu. And let her understand the hopes she has, If she come speedilie—

1 Ma. All these are specified.

Leu. And of the chain is sent her, And the rich stuff to make her shew more handsom here?

1 Maid. All this is done, Madam.

Leu. What have you dispatcht there?

2 Maid. A letter to the Country maid, and't please ye.

Leu. A pretty girle, but peevish, plaguy peevish: Have ye bought the embroydered gloves, and that purse for her, And the new Curle?

2 Maid. They are ready packt up Madam.

1 Ma. I have wrought her.

Leu. You know for whom she is?

1 Ma. Very well, Madam, Though very much ado I had to make her Apprehend that happiness.

Leu. These Kind are subtile; Did she not cry and blubber when you urg'd her?

1 Ma. O most extreamly, and swore she would rather perish.

Leu. Good signs, very good signs, Symptoms of easie nature. Had she the Plate?

1 Ma. She lookt upon't, and left it, And turn'd again, and view'd it.

Leu. Very well still.

1 Ma. At length she was content to let it lye there, Till I call'd for't, or so.

Leu. She will come?

1 Ma. Do you take me For such a Fool, I would part without that promise?

Leu. The Chamber's next the Park.

1 Ma. The Widow, Madam, You bad me look upon.

Leu. Hang her, she is musty: She is no mans meat; besides, she's poor and sluttish: Where lyes old Thisbe now, you are so long now—

2 Ma. Thisbe, Thisbe, Thisbe, agent Thisbe, O I have her, She lyes now in Nicopolis.

1 Ma. An ancient woman, with a maid attending, A pretty Girl, but out of Cloaths; for a little money, It seems she would put her to your bringing up, Madam.

Leu. Let her come in. Would you ought with us, good woman? I pray be short, we are full of business.

Wo. I have a tender Girl here, an't please your honour.

Leu. Very well.

Wom. That hath a great desire to serve your worship.

Leu. It may be so; I am full of Maids.

Wom. She is young forsooth— And for her truth; and as they say her bearing.

Leu. Ye say well; come ye hither maid, let me feel your pulse, 'Tis somewhat weak, but Nature will grow stronger, Let me see your leg, she treads but low i'th' Pasterns.

Wom. A cork Heel, Madam.

Leu, We know what will do it, Without your aim, good woman; what do you pitch her at? She's but a slight toy—cannot hold out long.

Wom. Even what you think is meet.

Leu. Give her ten Crowns, we are full of business, She is a poor Woman, let her take a Cheese home. Enter the wench i' th' Office. [Ex. Wom. and 1 Ma.

2 Ma. What's your name, Sister?

Phe. Phebe, forsooth.

Men. Prithee, good sweet heart, I come not to disturb thee, nor discourage thee, I know thou labour'st truly: hark in thine ear.

Leu. Poor, weak man, I have a thousand eyes, when thou art sleeping, Abroad, and full of business.

Men. You never try'd her?

Leu. No, she is beyond my level; so hedg'd in By the Princes infinite Love and Favour to her—

Men. She is a handsome Wench.

Leu. A delicate, and knows it; And out of that proof arms her self.

Men. Come in then; I have a great design from the King to you, And you must work like wax now.

Leu. On this Lady?

Men. On this, and all your wits call home.

Men. As we go in, I'le tell ye. [Exeunt.

SCENA IV

Soul. Faith neither great, nor out of indiscretion. The young men out of heat.

Leo. No, no, by this hand, Sir, We fought like honest and tall men.