Vadim Kucherenko
The Curse of Hermes Trismegistus
Characters:
Golyshkin Stalver Udarpyatovich professor.
Rodion his son.
Myshevskiy Andrey Sigizmundovich a big businessman
Olga a nurse.
Vykhukhole Sergey Yurevich a psychiatrist
Ogranovich Elena Pavlovna a notary.
Act 1
There is an apartment in an old apartment house built yet in the early 20th century. The apartment has many ample rooms with high ceilings. Beside a massive hanger made of oak and a huge mirror of Venetian glass the main decoration of a big hallway is an antique floor clock with a pendulum. The doorbell keeps ringing with some short breaks. Finally, Rodion dressed in a night-suit shows up from the shade of the room and opens the door. Myshevsky comes in. The clock strikes twelve.
Myshevskiy. Good afternoon. Sorry, it looks like I woke you up. But I have an appointment.
Rodion. Is it morning already?
Myshevskiy. I would say noon if one can trust this clock.
Rodion. Oh, I wish this damned pendulum tore off! It just scares buddies Anything to drink?
Myshevskiy. Id rather have some tea.
Rodion. Actually, I mean harder revivers.
Myshevskiy. No, thanks. Besides, there is no reason for it.
Rodion. My grandfather God rest his soul used to say: there is something to drink, there is always a reason. Well, I as you like though
Myshevskiy. So, can I see professor Golyshkin? Stalver Udarpyatovich made me an appointment at twelve. Is he in?
Rodion. He must be in his home office scribbling some book or surfing some porno sites. It depends on whether he is dragging his ass now or cooing some stuff over.
Myshevskiy. Can I see him?
Rodion. My grandfather Udarpyat Rodionovich Golyshkin would answer such a question like that it doesnt hurt to try.
Myshevskiy. Actually, this expression belongs to Stalin. And it is pretty backhanded.
Rodion. My grandfather used to consider Stalin a great man. In all terms.
Myshevskiy. Your grandfather was?
Rodion. He was a State Security General. Does it make you feel uneasy?
Myshevskiy. No, but it makes something clear. My grandfather was just a doctor, but before making a decision he had to think a lot. In return, one could never argue with his diagnosis.
Rodion. It looks like your grandfather was a dull beggar.
Myshevskiy. He was quite a sociable person. Until the day he was condemned. Condemned to twenty five years without a right of correspondence. As a peoples enemy So, will you let me in?
Rodion. If you walk alone it will take you time to find a right way. This apartment is just a maze! There are too many rooms for a philosopher. The old Diogenes would have praised my dad for it.
Myshevskiy. Then show me to his room. If it doesnt trouble you.
Rodion. Well, lets go then. Follow me and dont turn anywhere. If a bat seats on your shoulder dont think that its a pipe dream. After my moms death our house has got quite shabby.
Myshevskiy. I feel quite comfortable here as if I came back home after a long trip.
Rodion. Really, you are not a normal guy. I noticed it right away, when you refused from drinking.
Myshevskiy. It could happen after your mothers death. Sometimes houses get shabby when a brownie leaves them.
Rodion. Whats the rubbish?
Myshevskiy. It looks like you dont know the folklore beliefs. In old times in Russia a good-natured brownie was believed to keep hearth and home. It was the brownie who maintained coziness at home and kept the quite spirit of its hosts.
Rodion. Oh, blimey! Actually, I thought that cats keep hearth and home.
Myshevskiy. Cats get used to people, but brownies to homes. When an old host dies the brownie starts exhausting the new one if he doesnt like him. However, sometimes the brownie just leaves. The house is getting shabby and abandoned.
Rodion. So, you mean, that my dad and me put a slight upon your good guy brownie, huh?
Myshevskiy. Actually, this is your brownie. By the way, how long have you been living here?
Rodion. As long as I remember myself. My father inherited this apartment from my grandfather who used to say that it belonged yet to his grandfather. So, its a kind of family castle devolving by the Golyshkins. I am balling of it! The noble Golyshkins family!
Myshevskiy. Are you absolutely sure?
Rodion. You mean that we are a noble family?
Myshevskiy. I mean that this apartment belonged to your grand-grandfather?
Rodion. Hey, listen, you screw me down with your questions! Why are you stuck in them?
Myshevskiy. Its just curiosity.
Rodion. Its bullshit! Okay, weve come finally
Rodion and Myshevsky enter the room which serves as a working office for Golyshkin. He is writing something on a sheet of paper sitting at a massive antique desk. Along the walls there are book shelves filled with books in golden leather covers. There are a few arm-chairs and chairs, as well as a small coffee table in the corner. All is antique. Only a telephone on a desk indicates the present times. The canvases with portraits of ancient philosophers hang on the walls. Among them there is a portrait of Stalin which is of a little bigger size.
Rodion. Hey, dad, there is a guest for you! You will get along. He is also a weird buddy as you are.
Golyshkin. Stop scoffing, Rodion! Speak normal language like a civilized person. Get dressed, please! What would other people think of you? Walking in a night-suit in daytime!
Rodion. Dont hand a line on me! Let them think whatever they want. I am at home. I am dressed as I want. If somebody doesnt like my home getup
Myshevskiy. I dont care at all.
Golyshkin. But I am waiting for one person
Rodion. For Olenka?
Golyshkin. Its not your business! Besides, she is not Olenka for you. For you she is Olga Alekseevna, a nurse from a community hospital thats it!
Rodion. As you say, dad. Okay, I get out of this game.
Golyshkin. Such an impudent boy!
Rodion. I am going to put champagne in the fridge. Professor, what do you think, Olenka oh, sorry, a nurse from a community hospital, wouldnt refuse from a glass of champagne? I guess she wouldnt refuse from a glass of awesome champagne!
Golyshkin. Get out of here until I throw this book at your stupid head!
Rodion. I would never think that a book could be such a strong argument. You can be damned persuasive, professor!
Rodion leaves whistling a tune of Marseillaise.
Golyshkin. Such a wretched boy! What can I do with him?
Myshevskiy. You shouldnt love him so much.
Golyshkin. Is my love so obvious?
Myshevskiy. Your intonations reveals you. In such a way a mother speaks to her beloved infant terrible.
Golyshkin. You think that I make harm to my son with my excessive love?
Myshevskiy. All that is excessive is harmful. Absolute power. Blood feud. Blind love. You know what the Bible says about it? «The one who loves his son should often punish him». I often read this book before going to bed. I have two sons.
Golyshkin. When his mother died from a heart attack unexpectedly for everyone I took her death very grievously, but Rodion He quitted the University and locked himself in his room. He didnt come out for almost a year. He had been sitting in the corner crying. He cried in such a mournful way like a scared doggy I was afraid that I might lose him and remain alone. Do you know how frightening loneliness is?
Myshevskiy. My father had seven children. I have five. Beside two sons there are three daughters. How should I know what loneliness is like? Sometimes, I am longing to become alone. But fortunately, this desire leaves me quickly.
Golyshkin. I can only say that you are a happy man Mr.
Myshevskiy. Myshevskiy. Andrey Myshevskiy. I called you yesterday, Stalver Udarpyatovich and asked for an appointment. You invited me at your place.
Golyshkin. Oh, sure! I remember, dear Andrey Excuse me, what is your patronymic name?
Myshevskiy. My fathers name was Sigizmund, so I am Andrey Sigizmundovich. One cant pronounce it in one breath. So, if its difficult for you
Golyshkin. Why should it be difficult for me? My fathers name was also not a simple one Udarpyat. It is a short form of a word, standing for shock worker of a five-year state plan. There was such time: mass enthusiasm, peoples creativity boom and all that stuff
Myshevskiy. You are right. There was cool time!
Golyshkin. So, my father Udarpyat Rodionovich without evasion gave me a name of Stalver. It is a short form standing for I trust Stalin». So, how should I react to all this?
Myshevskiy. Philosophically.
Golyshkin. You are right. Perhaps, only thanks to my name I received a PhD in Philosophy.
Myshevskiy. Following your theory, Stalver Udarpyatovich I became a businessman only thanks to my patronymic name Sigizmundovich?
Golyshkin. Mm-m Anyway, I managed to break this vicious circle. To my son I gave a name in honor of my grandfather, a peasant from a Tambov province. Actually, it was him with his rich imagination and deep trust to the Soviet power who initiated all that. His name was Rodion. Such a beautiful and simple Russian name. But I see, its not interesting for you
Myshevskiy. Well
Golyshkin. Excuse me, the old man, I was carried away with my reflections! As far as I remember, your visit is related to my new book?
Myshevskiy. Yes, you are right, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I got very interested in your Theosophical System of Nature Levels and Existence of Endless Variety of Matter Forms in the Light of Spiritualism. Is it this book you are holding now?
Golyshkin. Hm-m I would put you an excellent mark if you took my exam, Mr. Myshevsky. You pronounced a title of my book without a single stumbling. Its not common, I tell you.
Myshevskiy. No wonder, professor. I have thought a lot about it. You claim that all material phenomena might be turned eventually into spiritual ones
Golyshkin. Well, its not me who claims that. I mean I am not the first and the only
Myshevskiy. Perhaps, it is true professor. But I read about this idea from your book.
Golyshkin. Its nice to hear that, Andrey Sigizmundovich. By the way, which direction of spiritualism does appeal to you more absolute or relative? Do you prefer to follow Berkley or the old Aristotle?
Myshevskiy. Its hard for me to answer your question, professor. Actually, I have rather vague idea about spiritualism. I told you, I am a businessman. I came here not to discuss controversial issues of theosophy but with a specific goal.
Golyshkin. What goal?
Myshevskiy. To turn your abilities into money, Stalver Udarpyatovich. You are my golden mine, professor.
Golyshkin. Excuse me, but me and money are two incompatible things. Havent you read my book? Perhaps, you noticed that its too far from materialism. Yes, I admit that a human body requires its special living conditions. However, I consider the body to be a product of spiritual activity of a human being. I doubt that one can make money out of it.
Myshevskiy. What if you are mistaken, professor?
Golyshkin. Then do persuade me, Mr. Myshevsky! I would be even glad. But before taking this Sisyphean labor would you like a cup of tea?
Myshevskiy. I would prefer black coffee with no sugar, no milk.
Golyshkin. As for me, I prefer green tea with jasmine. It smells marvelous!
Myshevskiy. I heard that jasmine has a smell of disease. And black coffee smells like revenge.
Golyshkin. Oh, I would never think of that! Okay, let it be your way, Mr. Myshevsky. Drink your coffee enjoying the idea of revenge. Meanwhile I will be diving into disease. Then you will tell me what brought you here.
The doorbell is ringing at the entrance hall. Rodion having changed his pajamas for jeans and shirt opens the door. Olga comes in with a medical case in her hands. She comes up to the mirror patting her hair. The young lady is dressed modestly wearing a cheap skirt and a blouse.
Rodion. Hello Olenka! Wow! Hotcha! You look more and more irresistible each day!
Olga. Oh, here you are, Rodion How is Stalver Sigizmundovich doing? Dont see me off, I know the way to his room.
Rodion. Olga Alekseevna! Maybe I am goofy but I cant understand what is my fault.
Olga. How should I know? Ask your father about it.
Rodion. I cant. He is talking to a very cool buddy now. They are bouncing off some cool stuff. So, Olenka, you will have to wait. There is vodka and coca-cola Would you like a cocktail of Jim Morrison?
Olga. Listen, Rodion, it looks like you have nothing to do, is that right? Are you hanging around doing nothing or is it your work?
Rodion. What are you talking about Olga Alekseevna? Please, do explain for me, stupid guy!
Olga. Each time when I come to see Stalver Udarpyatovich I see you at home. So, my conclusion is that you are either an absolute idler living on your fathers means or a sheik.
Rodion. Actually, I am like pants without a shirt. I am living free life with no responsibility.
Olga. Dont waste your time then. I dont care about men of such type.
Rodion. Whatever what machos do you care about?
Olga. Speaking your slang I like hot and pricy machos.
Rodion. Oh, such a pain
Olga. All women are like that! Why would I be an exception? Am I a fright? Am I stupid?
Rodion. Oh no, Olenka! You are a pussy cat. Sweet pussy cat!
Olga. Thats it, my little boy!
Rodion. Oh shucks! I am not a little boy. If I have no bucks its not the reason to call me sucker.
Olga. Take it easy, cowboy! Only boiled eggs are harder than you and only stars are higher. However, I call a boy any man not capable to fulfill my dream.
Rodion. Whats that shit? Dont make pickle-puss, tell me! Olya! Please tell me!
Olga. Well That shit as you, dude, called it are the Iguazu Waterfalls.
Rodion. Holy cow! Where is it?
Olga. Its in Brazil. Nothing in the world could be as beautiful as the Iguazu Waterfalls. Just imagine: more than three hundreds flows are simultaneously cascading from the towering height. And there is an internal rainbow created by a billion of water drops and the sun. I saw it on TV.
Rodion. I thought that all pussy cats dream of Paris.
Olga. You mean to see Paris and die at the top of the Eiffel Tower? This is really a bullshit!
Rodion. But Brazil is too far! I guess the antipode people must live there
Olga. Thats right, smart cookie! When it is winter at our country they are enjoying summer. When we are crying they are singing. Is that enough or should I go on?
Rodion. Enough.
Olga. So, when will I see the Iguazu Waterfalls?
Rodion. Such a prick!
Olga. Now you see, why you are just a boy?
Rodion. I see, pussy cat
Olga. Come on, dont be sulky! You are a very good boy, Rodion. But I am not going to try this temptation any more.
Rodion. So, what if?
Olga. What do you mean?
Rodion. I am not a dude, Olya. Okay, lets a assume that you will have these waterfalls. Will you look at me another way then?
Olga. The Iguazu Waterfalls first and then we will see.
Rodion. Olya, please do answer. Its very important for me!
Olga. My good little boy! I think I could really love you
Rodion. Go on!
Olga. Rodion, please set my hands free! Otherwise I am going to complain your father and he will punish you.
Rodion. You are laughing at me, Olya!
Olga. Should I cry? Oh, no way! Such times had passed long ago. Once upon a time, at one apocalyptic day of my life I was lying on a hospital bed bowelled and devastated and I swore. Oh, that was a terrible vow! From now on I will never take trust any man in the world. I am not going to break my vow even for the sake of such good little boy as you are.
Rodion. Go on laughing at me! But believe me once everything will change.