“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”
“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”
* * *A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep[41] in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.[42] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”
* * *“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”
“Because he had no-body to go with!”
* * *“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says:
“Your blood matches the DNA[44] found at the murder scene.[45]”
“Dammit![46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
* * *“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”
“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach[47] was a pumpkin.”
* * *A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards[48] signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
* * *A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”
“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.
“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.[49] Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden[50] expression on his face.
“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
* * *We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters[51] will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.
* * *“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”
“Finding half a maggot!”
* * *A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
* * *As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets– we’re one short.[52]”
* * *Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
* * *A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”
“What did you do?” the little girl asked.
“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”
“How did you get away?”
“As a last resort,[53] I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”
* * *Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”
“I don’t know,” said the second.
“Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.
“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie,[54] which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.
“Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”
“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”
* * *Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m really getting forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,[55]” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”
* * *Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”
* * *While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”
“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed this is a good idea.
The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
* * *A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.
The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”
* * *When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:
“I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”
* * *“Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”
“Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.[56]”
* * *“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”
“When did this happen?”
“When did what happen?”
* * *The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”
* * *A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “Who’s there?” The robber said. But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name?” the robber asked. “Cocodora?” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora”, said the robber. “The same idiot who named the rotweiler[57] Jesus,” said the parrot.
* * *“Why you are going to marry that police captain?”
“It is against the law, you know, to resist an officer.”
* * *“I hear you are marrying again! But your wife passed away[58] only three weeks ago!”
“I know, but I am not one who holds a grudge long.[59]”
* * *A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.
The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.[60]
As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”
“He’s not really all that smart,” the owner replied. “This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”
* * *A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,“Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns. “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any fresh fruit?”
* * *A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.[61] All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.[62] The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!”
The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”
* * *“I say, madam, your husband has fallen into the well.”
“Oh, that’s all right. We use the city water now.”
* * *A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.. suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
* * *“Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed?”
“I want to see what I look like when I’m sleeping.”
* * *A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone,[63] I’m lost! and need directions!”
* * *A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his dog lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to the dog. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, “Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?” “Yes, I’m trying to break him of this dreadful habit,” replies the blind man. “Well, it’s none of my business, but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!” To which the blind fellow chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass![64]”
* * *A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. “Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn.” The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. “Oh, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer.
“Yes I do,” said the salesman, “and I’ll give you 10,000 for the horse.”
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, “He’s yours.”
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, “By the way, why wouldn’t I want your horse?”
“Because,” said the farmer, “he’s a liar– he hasn’t won a race in his life.”
* * *An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
* * *Charles shouted upstairs to his wife, “Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
“Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
* * *First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.
Second snake: Why?
First snake: Because I bit my lip!
* * *A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said, “Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”
“Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,” said the waiter, “or everyone will want one.”
* * *What’s the worst thing about washing your cat? Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.
* * *The woman came to the zoo with her little son. They came to the cage with a mystery big animal in it.
“Look, son, this is a whale,” said the woman.
“I am sorry, but this is a crocodile,” said the man.
“No, this is a whale,” the woman was very stubborn, as a donkey.
During this time the animal crawled on the land.
“As you see, this is a crocodile,” said the man, “the whales never crawl to the land!”
“Nonsense, you see with your own eyes, that sometimes they do it.”
* * *The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence, “I would like to place an order for two mongooses,[65] to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read, “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”
* * *A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and studying the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man does not want to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador.[66] The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “£650.”
“£650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was for the cat scan and lab[67] tests.”
* * *What is the longest word in the English language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
* * *There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!
* * *What came first, the chicken or the egg?
– I’d have to say it was the rooster!
* * *How do you catch a polar bear?
First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
* * *The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.[68] Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”
* * *The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submitted a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire”.
The French submitted a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant – a Personal Account”.
The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear”.
The Americans submitted an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants – the Perfect Tax Shelter”.
Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry “Elephants – they’re better than People”.
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”.
* * *An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of £5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”
The man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having £10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than two hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100 % profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost £100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to deal with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is surprised, “What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”
“Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making £5.35 an hour.”
* * *Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.’”
* * *Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
* * *A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO[69] of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn[70] and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits’s end,[71] he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.[72]”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
* * *An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem– I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
* * *A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
* * *Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.