Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” said the boss. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
“What and ruin my vacation?” she whined.
* * *A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I’m not. I am claiming for lead poisoning.
* * *A boss had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.
* * *Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.” Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit’s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback[73] by one of the Rockettes.” “You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
* * *Employer to applicant. “In this job we need someone who is responsible.” Applicant, “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
* * *Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.
Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!
* * *There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I’m headed for the bar anyway… it never hurts to be safe.
* * *Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office boss called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with, “Miss Smith, I really don’t know how we’re going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we’re going to try.”
* * *In the beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied[74] with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative.
Then God said, “Let there be light.” Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that He would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.” The EPA[75] agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation[76] and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10–12 months before…
At this point God created Hell.
* * *A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
* * *Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
* * *“I made it all right” small boy was invited to have dinner at the home of a famous professor. When he returned, his mother asked him, “Are you sure you didn’t do anything that was not polite?”
“Why, no, nothing to speak of.”
“But did something happen?”
“Well, while I was trying to cut the meat, it slipped off to the floor. But I made it all right,” said the boy.
“What did you do?”
“Oh, I just said carelessly, ‘That’s always the way[77] with tough meat.’”
* * *A man was having breakfast in an English hotel. He took a drink from his cup and then said to the waiter, “Is this tea or coffee?”
“Can’t you tell the difference, sir, by the taste?”
“No,” said the man. “I can’t.”
“Well,” said the waiter, “if you can’t tell the difference, what does it matter which it is?”
* * *“Now, little boy, stick out your tongue.”
“No, I shan’t. My mother always punishes me when I stick out my tongue at home.”
* * *“Why are you crying, Bobby?”
“I cleaned the bird cage and the bird disappeared.”
“How did you clean it?”
“With a vacuum cleaner.”
* * *“You hammer nails like lightning.”
“Do you mean that I’m fast?”
“No, you never strike twice in the same place.”
* * *ASSISTANT: This machine will do half your work.
CUSTOMER: All right, I’ll take two!
* * *“You must always eat a good breakfast, so you’ll grow up quicker.”
“Not for me. If I grow up faster, I’ll get older sooner, and then I’ll have to die young.”
* * *“I spent ten hours over my history book last night.”
“Ten hours?!”
“Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.”
* * *“I’m not going to school any more.”
“Why?”
“On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday, she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today, she said 7 and 1 is 8. I’m not going back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind.[78]”
* * *“Willie, how do you define ignorance?”
“It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.”
* * *“If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the four parts into two parts, what shall I have?”
“Potato salad.”
* * *“And has your baby learned to talk?”
“Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now.”
* * *A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”
“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”
* * *“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”
“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”
* * *“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”
“The first cow, of course.”
“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”
* * *Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.
* * *“I can write! I can write!”
“What did you write?”
“How can I know? I can’t read.”
* * *A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.
“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.
Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.
“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.
* * *“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”
“Why not?”
“I never put them up[79] in class.”
* * *“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”
“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”
* * *MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?
SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.
* * *“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring?[80]”
“Leave it in the cow.”
* * *LADY (seeing tug-of-war[81] for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?
* * *When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.
“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.
“Three months,” answered the mother.
“My, but you’ve kept her nice![82]” exclaimed the little girl.
* * *“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”
“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”
* * *“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”
* * *Teaсher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?
Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.
* * *Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?
Master: at 3 p. M.
Man: and the next eastbound train?
Master: at 4 p. M.
Man: and the next northbound train?
Master: arrives at 6 p. M.
Man: and the southbound train?
Master: oh, it left two hours ago.
Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.
* * *“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”
“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”
* * *A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:
“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”
A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought:
“Oh! What a memory you’ve got!”
* * *“I remember when I was young,” the old gentleman said to little Bobby, “I had to fight for my life against sixteen cannibals, and only one ran away.”
“But,” said Bobby, “last year you told me there were eight cannibals.”
“Yes,” said the old gentleman, “but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.”
* * *“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”
“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”
“Thank you, Mama.”
“Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?”
“I think I’d better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.”
* * *“Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?”
“What can I do?”
“You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.”
* * *“Isn’t it wonderful how little chicks get out of their shells?”
“What puzzles me is how they get into them.”
* * *“How is your little brother, Johnny?”
“He is in bed. He hurt himself.”
“That’s too bad. How did he do it?”
“We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.”
* * *“Is your dog clever?”
“Very. When I say to him: come here or don’t come here, just as you please, he comes or he doesn’t come, as he pleases.[83]”
* * *A father took his young daughter to the cinema. He took a seat in the middle of the hall while his daughter sat down in the front row to join some other children. The film was showing a forest fire which frightened the little girl very much and she came back to take a seat beside her father.
“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Did the fire frighten you?”
“Oh, no!” she answered. “The smoke got in my eyes.”
* * *“What is the difference between lightning and electricity?”
“Well, you don’t have to pay for lightning.”
* * *“So, Joe was the life of the party?[84]”
“Oh, yes. He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio.”
* * *“That letter is too heavy,” said the clerk in the post office, after weighing the letter.
“You’ll have to put another stamp on it.”
“What’s the good of that?” said the boy. “If I put another stamp on it, that will make it still heavier.”
* * *“It was so cold where we were,” said the Arctic explorer, “that the candle froze and we couldn’t blow it out.”
“That’s nothing,” said another man. “Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we fried them to see what we were talking about.”
* * *“Is it bad luck when a black cat follows you?”
“That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.”
* * *An American and a Scotchman were walking near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard in that place. When the echo was clearly heard after almost two minutes, the proud Scotchman, turning to the American, exclaimed, “You cannot show anything like that in your country!”
“Why,” said the American, “in my camp in the Rockies,[85] when I go to bed, I just call out, ‘Time to get up; wake up’, and eight hours afterwards the echo comes back and wakes me up.”
* * *Robert smiled when the teacher read the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.
“Do you doubt that a trained swimmer could do that?” asked the teacher.
“No, sir,” answered Robert, “but I wonder why he didn’t make it four times and swim back to the side where his clothes were.”
* * *“Tom, your hands are very dirty. What would you say if I came to school with dirty hands?”
“I should be too polite, sir, to mention it.”
* * *“I can’t think why they make so much noise about Miss Smith’s voice. Miss Jones has a much richer voice.”
“Yes, but Miss Smith has a much richer father.”
* * *“Have any of your childhood hopes been realized?”
“Yes. When Mother used to pull my hair, I wished that I didn’t have any.”
* * *A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?[86]”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another.
After a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up.[87] Where’s the boat?”
* * *“I’m really worried about my wife. She drives like lightning.”
“Do you mean that she drives too fast?”
“No, but she always strikes trees.”
* * *“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
* * *There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”
* * *“Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache,” said Nelly, a little girl of six.
“That’s because you’ve been without lunch. Your stomach is empty. You would feel better if you had something in it.”
In the afternoon the minister came to see Nelly’s mother. While they talked, the minister remarked that he had been suffering all day with an awful headache.
“That’s because it’s empty,” said Nelly. “You would feel better if you had something in it.”
* * *“What do you love most about me,” a husband asked his wife. “My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”
“What I love most about you,” responded the man’s wife, “is your enormous sense of humour.”
* * *“What has 24 feet, green eyes and a black body?”
“I don’t know – what?”
“I don’t know, either, but you’d better pick it off[88] your neck.”
* * *Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,[89] you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot,[90] you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!”
* * *A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five pound bill to a bum.”
“You gave a bum five whole pounds?[91] That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”
“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”
* * *A woman was leaving a cafе` after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.[92]”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.[93]”
* * *Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”
* * *Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise,[94] you didn’t have to keep yours.
* * *Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.
* * *One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the way.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot[95] on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square.[96] I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The magician says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”
The golfer says, “It’s great! I always win.”
“I did that for you,” responds the magician. “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”
“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill,” he replied.
The magician smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?”
Now the golfer looks at him and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”
Floored[97] the magician stammers, “Once or twice a week?”
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”
* * *“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.[98]”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook[99] made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ “
Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don’t know much about history.”
* * *The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking[100]…”
* * *The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous ballplayers are up here.”
“How can I lose?” answered Satan. “All the umpires are down there.”
* * *One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.
Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.
When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil’s screen was black.
Satan says, “How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!”
Then God says, “No, Jesus saves.[101]”
* * *Teacher: If you had one pound and you asked your father for another, how many pounds would you have?
Little Johnny: One pound.
Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
Little Johnny (sadly): You don’t know my father.
* * *The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. “I’ve made up my mind,” she declared firmly, “we’ll call her Penelope.” The husband didn’t like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.[102]