Somehow my mom convinced him to release me and brave the terrifying outdoors. All the while people shot us weird looks that I tried to ignore. We walked together, as a family, our feet flying one in front of the other. Mom and Dad were in front, with me and Em a few steps behind them, holding hands as the crickets sang and provided us with an eerie soundtrack.
I glanced around, trying to see the world as my dad must. I saw a long stretch of black tarcamouflage? I saw a sea of carsplaces to hide? I saw the forest beyond, rising from the hillsa breeding ground for nightmares?
Above, I saw the moon, high and full and beautifully transparent. Clouds still puffed through the sky, orange now and kind of creepy. And was thatsurely notbut I blinked, slowed my pace. Yep. It was. The cloud shaped like a rabbit had followed me. Fancy that.
Look at the clouds, I said. Notice anything cool?
A pause, then, Arabbit?
Exactly. I saw him this morning. He must think were pretty awesome.
Because we are, duh.
My dad realized wed lagged behind, sprinted the distance between us, grabbed on to my wrist and jerked me fasterfaster stillwhile I maintained my grip on Emma and jerked her along. Id rather dislocate her shoulder than leave her behind, even for a second. Dad loved us, but part of me feared hed drive off without us if he thought it necessary.
He opened the car door and practically tossed me in like a football. Emma was next, and we shared a moment of silent communication after we settled.
Fun times, I mouthed.
Happy birthday to you, she mouthed back.
The instant my dad was in the passenger seat he threw the locks. He was shaking too hard to buckle his belt, and finally gave up. Dont drive by the cemetery, he told Mom, but get us home as fast as you can.
Wed avoided the cemetery on the way here, toodespite the daylightadding unnecessary time to an already lengthy drive.
I will. No worries. The Tahoe roared to life, and Mom yanked the shifter into Reverse.
Dad, I said, my voice as reasonable as I could make it. If we take the long way, well be snailing it along construction. We lived just outside big, beautiful Birmingham and traffic could be a nasty monster on its own. Thatll add at least half an hour to our trip. You dont want us to stay in the dark, at a standstill, for that long, do you? Hed work himself into such a panic wed all be clawing at the doors to escape.
Honey? Mom asked. The car eased to the edge of the lot, where she had to go left or right. If she went left, wed never make it home. Seriously. If I had to listen to my dad for more than thirty minutes, Id jump out the window and as an act of mercy Id take Emma with me. If Mom went right, wed have a short ride, a short anxiety attack to deal with, but a quick recovery. Ill drive so fast you wont even be able to see the cemetery.
No. Too risky.
Please, Daddy, I said, not above manipulation. As Id already proved. For me. On my birthday. I wont ask for anything else, I promise, even though you guys forgot the last one and I never got a present.
II His gaze shifted continually, scanning the nearby trees for movement.
Please. Em needs to be tucked into bed, like, soon, or shell morph into Lily of the Valley of Thorns. As wed long ago dubbed her. My sis got tired, and she left carnage in her wake.
Lips pursed, Em slapped my arm. I shrugged, the universal sign for well, its true.
Dad pushed out a heavy breath. Okay. Okay. Justbreak the sound barrier, babe, he said, kissing my moms hand.
I will. You have my word.
My parents shared a soft smile. I felt like a voyeur for noticing; used to be, theyd enjoyed these kinds of moments all the time, but the smiles had become less and less frequent over the years.
All right, here we go. Mom swung the vehicle right, and to my utter astonishment, she really did try to break the sound barrier, weaving in and out of lanes, honking at the slower cars, riding bumpers.
I was impressed. The few driving lessons shed given me, shed been a nervous wreck, which had turned me into a nervous wreck. We hadnt gone far or cranked the speed above twenty-five, even outside our neighborhood.
She kept up a steady stream of chatter, and I watched the clock on my phone. The minutes ticked by, until wed gone ten without a single incident. Only twenty more to go.
Dad kept his nose pressed to the window, his frantic breaths leaving puffs of mist on the glass. Maybe he was enjoying the mountains, valleys and lush green trees highlighted by the streetlamps, rather than searching for monsters.
Yeah. Right.
So howd I do? Emma whispered in my direction.
I reached over and squeezed her hand. You were amazing.
Her dark brows knit together, and I knew what was coming next. Suspicion. You swear?
Swear. You rocked the house hard-core. In comparison, the other girls sucked.
She covered her mouth to stop herself from giggling.
I couldnt help but add, The boy who twirled you around? I think he was considering pushing you off the stage, just so people would finally look at him. Honestly, every eye was riveted on you.
The giggle bubbled out this time, unstoppable. So what youre saying is, when I tripped over my own feet, everyone noticed.
Trip? What trip? You mean that wasnt part of the routine?
She gave me a high five. Good answer.
Honey, Mom said, apprehension straining her voice. Find some music for us to listen to, okay?
Uh-oh. She must want him distracted.
I leaned over and glanced out the front windshield. Sure enough. We were approaching the cemetery. At least there were no other cars around, so no one would witness my dads oncoming breakdown. And he would have one. I could feel the tension thickening the air.
No music, he said. I need to concentrate, remain on alert. I have to He stiffened, gripped the armrests on his seat until his knuckles whitened.
A moment of silence passed, such thick, heavy silence.
His panting breaths emerged faster and fasteruntil he roared so piercingly I cringed. Theyre out there! Theyre going to attack us! He grabbed the wheel and yanked. Dont you see them? Were headed right for them. Turn around! You have to turn around.
The Tahoe swerved, hard, and Emma screamed. I grabbed her hand, gave her another squeeze, but I refused to let go. My heart was pounding against my ribs, a cold sweat beading over my skin. Id promised to protect her tonight, and I would.
Its gonna be okay, I told her.
Her tremors were so violent they even shook me.
Honey, listen to me, Mom soothed. Were safe in the car. No one can hurt us. We have to
No! If we dont turn around theyll follow us home! My dad was thoroughly freaked, and nothing Mom said had registered. We have to turn around. He made another play for the wheel, gave another, harder yank, and this time, we didnt just swerve, we spun.
Round and round, round and round. My grip on Emma tightened.
Alice, she cried.
Its okay, its okay, I chanted. The world was whizzing, blurringthe car teeteringmy dad shouting a cursemy mom gaspingthe car tiltingtilting
FREEZE FRAME.
I remember when Em and I used to play that game. Wed crank the volume of our iPod dockloud, pounding rockand boogie like we were having seizures. One of us would shout freeze frame and wed instantly stop moving, totally frozen, trying not to laugh, until one of us yelled the magic word to shoot us back into motion. Dance.
I wish I could have shouted freeze frame in just that moment and rearranged the scenery, the players. But life isnt a game, is it?
DANCE.
We went airborne, flipping over, crashing into the road upside down, then flipping over again. The sound of crunching metal, shattering glass and pained screams filled my ears. I was thrown back and forth in my seat, my brain becoming a cherry slushie in my head as different impacts jarred me and stole my breath.
When we finally landed, I was so dazed, so fogged, I felt like I was still in motion. The screams had stopped, at least. All I heard was a slight ringing in my ears.
Mom? Dad? A pause. No response. Em? Again, nothing.
I frowned, looked around. My eyesight was hazy, something warm and wet in my lashes, but I could see well enough.
And what I saw utterly destroyed me.
I screamed. My mom was slashed to ribbons, her body covered in blood. Emma was slumped over in her seat, her head at an odd angle, her cheek split open. No. No, no, no.
Dad, help me. We have to get them out!
Silence.
Dad? I searchedand realized he was no longer in the car. The front windshield was gone, and he was lying motionless on the pieces a few yards away. There were three men standing over his body, the cars headlights illuminating them.
No, they werent men, I realized. They couldnt be. They had sagging pockmarked skin and dirty, ripped clothing. Their hair hung in clumps on their spotted scalps, and their teethso sharp as theyas theyfell upon my dad and disappeared inside him, only to reappear a second later andandeat him.
Monsters.
I fought for my freedom, desperate to drag Em to safetyEm, who hadnt moved and wasnt cryingdesperate to get to my dad, to help him. In the process, I banged my head against something hard and sharp. A horrible pain ravaged me, but still I fought, even as my strength wanedmy eyesight dimmed
Then it was night-night for Alice, and I knew nothing more.
At least, for a little while
2The Pool of Blood and Tears
They were dead. My family was dead. Gone. I knew it when I woke up in a hospital bed, and the nurse standing over me wouldnt meet my gaze or tell me where they were.
When the doctor came to spill the news, I just shifted to my side and closed my eyes. This was a dream. This was a horrible dream, and I would wake up. Everything would be okay when I woke up.
I never woke up.
Turns out, the car wreck that killed my mom, my dad and mymy I couldnt think about her. I just couldnt. So. Rephrase. The car wreck that killed my family had caused minimal damage to me. A concussion, a few cracked ribs, but that was it. And that just seemed so wrong, you know? I should have been slashed to ribbons, like my mother. I should have needed a total body cast. Something.
Instead, despite some minor aches and pains, I really was fine.
Fine. Yeah.
My grandparents from my mothers side visited several times, crying for the family theyd lost. Id seen them two weeks before, when my mom had taken me and my My chin trembled, but I ground my teeth together to stop it. When shed taken us to visit. Wed stayed only a few hours, though, just long enough to have lunch and a light, fun conversation.
Though Nana and Pops liked me and had always treated me well, Id never been the favorite; I think I reminded them too much of my father, who had never been good enough for their only baby.
Still, they werent going to abandon me in my time of need, they said. I would move in with them, and they would see to everything.
So, I would now be living in a two-story just as unremarkable as my own had been, but one that was mostly unfamiliar to me. One my dad had not builtone that was not reinforced for my protection. But that was no big deal. Id never even stayed the night with a friend, never slept in any bed but my own. But yeah, no big deal.
I should care, wanted to care, but I was tapped outemptynothing but a shell.
The doctors and nurses threw out a thousand Im sorrys and youll be okays. Words like fine. Such meaningless words. They were sorry? So what. That did nothing to bring my family back. I would be okay? Please. Id never be okay again.
What did they know about losing the only people they loved, anyway? What did they know about being alone? When their shifts ended, they would go home. They would hug their kids, share a meal and talk about their days. Me? I would never again enjoy something as simple as that.
I had no mother.
I had no father.
I had no sisfamily.
Heck, I think I was even without my sanity. Those monsters
Cops came by, and so did a social worker and a therapist. They all wanted to know what had happened. The cops, especially, were interested in knowing if a pack of wild dogs had attacked my parents.
Wild dogs. Id seen no wild dogs, but that made a whole lot more sense than what I had seen.
I said nothing, though. Wed flipped and wed crashed. The authorities knew that much, and that was all they needed to know. I would never mention the monsters; there was no reason to. The concussion was responsible for that little gem of a hallucination, surely.
I would never mention the fact that my mom had been in the car with me when I first opened my eyes after passing out. But the next time Id opened them? Her body had been outside the car, the headlights spotlighting her just as theyd spotlighted my dad, her body jerking and writhing as the things dove inside her, disappearing for endless seconds before coming back up for air. Her skin had bubbled up, as if burned and turned black, before finally splitting open and welling with blood.
Though Id tried with all my strength, I hadnt been able to free myself and save her. My belt had been fused to my seat, locking me in place. And when the monsters had next focused on me, evil eyes piercing me, taking one step, two, toward the car, Id panicked, desperate to protect myother family member.
Before either of us could be takenby the wild dogs, I told myself nowanother car had come by, spotted us and sent the beasts running. Though running wasnt the best word. Some had seemed to trip, some had seemed to glide. I dont remember much after that. Just flashes. Bright lights shining in my eyes. Sounds, like metal grinding against metal, and men shouting at each other. Then a pair of strong hands lifting me, something sharp poking at my arm, something being fitted over my nose. After that, nothing.
Hey. Youre Alice, right?
I blinked out of the hated memory fog and turned my head toward the rooms only door. A pretty girl, probably my age, stepped inside. She had straight dark hair, large hazel eyes framed by spiky black lashes, and skin the perfect shade of sun-kissed. She rocked a long-sleeved pink T-shirt that read Im With Genius with an arrow pointing up, and a micromini that barely wrapped around her waist. Actually, bathing-suit bottom might have been a better description.
Needless to say, my ugly paper-thin gown with uneven ties did not compare.
Im Ali, I said. They were the first words Id uttered in what seemed forever. My throat was raw, my voice hoarse. I just couldnt let her call me Alice again. The last person who had wasnever mind. I just couldnt let her. Im Ali, I repeated.
Cool. Im Kathryn, but everyone calls me Kat. And do not make any cat jokes or Ill have to hurt you. With my claws. She waved the long, blunt tips of her fingers at me. Truth is, I stopped speaking meow a long time ago.
Speaking meow? Im guessing calling you Pretty Kitty is out. I dont know where my burst of humor sprang from, but I wasnt gonna fight it. All of my energy was needed fighting everything else. But what about Mad Dog?
Her lips twitched into the semblance of a grin. Har, har. But now Ill be disappointed if you dont call me Mad Dog. She shifted back on her heels, the movement graceful, fluid. So, uh, yeah. About my visit. Lets get the info exchange out of the way first. My mom works here, and she brought me with her today. She said you could really use a friend, or something equally tragic like that.
Im fine, I rushed out. There was that stupid word again. Fine.
I know, right? Thats what I told her. Kat sauntered over, pulled the only chair in the room next to my bed and plopped down. Besides, people dont open up to strangers. Thatd just be weird. But shes my mom, and youre clearly in need of a shoulder to cry on, so what was I supposed to say? No? Even Im not that cruel.
Her pity wasnt something Id accept. You can tell your mom I was rude and kicked you out.
Also, she continued as if I hadnt spoken, lifes way too short to wallow in sorrow, I know. Anyway, as Im sure youve already deduced, Im stellar company. Oh, oh. And guess what? Theres an opening in my Fave Fivenot those old lame phone commercials, but my actual inner circleand Im actively looking to fill the top spot. Well just consider this your interview.
Somehow, her little speech caused that flicker of good humor to stir back to life. I couldnt help but say, Your top spot is a job, then?
Of course. She fluffed her hair. I dont want to brag, but Im very high maintenance.
Uh, I think low maintenance is whats desirable.
Low maintenance is whats forgettable. You might want to write that down, underline it, circle it and put a star by it. Its golden. With barely a breath, she added, Now lets find out if were compatible, shall we?
O-kay. We were gonna do this thing, then. We were gonna go all the way. See Alice pretend everything is beyond peachy. Sure. We shall.
Soyou lost everyone, huh? she asked.
Talk about kicking things off with a bang. But at least she hadnt offered platitudes or tiptoed around the subject. Maybe thats why I responded to her with a croaked Yeah. It was more than Id offered anyone else.
Bummer.
Yeah.
You gonna eat that? She pointed to the vanilla pudding someone had brought me earlier.
Nope.
Awesome. Im starved. With a wide, white grin, she confiscated the pudding and the spoon and settled back in her chair. One taste left her moaning with satisfaction. So check this out and tell me if you agree.
Uh, okay. I had a feeling Id be uttering uh many more times before this conversation ended. Even sitting there, she was like a whirlwind of energy I had no idea how to contain.
After another bite of the pudding, she said, Here goes. See, my boyfriend and I decided to stay together for the summer, you know, even though he had to go visit some family in nowhereville. At least, thats what he told me. Anyway, everything was fine at first, because you know, we talked every night, and then boom, he just stopped calling. So I called and texted him like the good girlfriend I am, and it wasnt stalkerish, I swear, because I stopped after, like, the thirtieth time. A week goes by before he finally hits me back, and he was totally drunk and all, hey, baby, I miss you and what are you wearing, like no time had passed, and I was all, you so do not deserve to know.
Silence.
She watched me, expectant, as she took another bite of pudding. I was tempted to search the room to make sure shed directed the information overload at me. The few friends Id made over the years had shared stories about their lives and their boyfriends, of course, but none had ever done so at minute one or with such a flare for detail.
Well? Kat prompted.
Oh, right. This must be the part where I render my verdict. Agree or disagree. Iagree?
Exactly! And get this. He called me by the wrong name. Not during sex or anything like that, because if that had been the case, I would have killed him, and he would have been too busy being dead to try and explain, but on the phone, during our last conversation.
Took me a minute of mind-mapping to wade through everything shed said and find the X that marked the spot. That sucks? Id meant to make a statement, but again I ended up asking a question.
I knew youd get me! Its like we were separated at birth. So, anyway, he and I had just hung upwell, Id hung up on him, a real nice slam Im still patting myself on the back for deliveringand my phone rings again, and hes all, hey Rina. Im like, Rina? What are you doing calling Rina? He stumbles around for a lie, but I knew. Hes a dirty man-whore cheating he-slut and Im done with him.
Good. Well, well. What do you know? I was capable of making a statement. Cheaters are scum.
Worse than scum. When school starts back up, Im throwing down with that boy, and not in a good way. He promised to love me and only me forever and ever and even after forever ended, and he needs to pay for lying. Rina can just suck it raw and hopefully die of some terrible disease. She doesnt deserve my precious time.
School. Ugh. Here was another aspect of my life that would change. Where do you go?
Asher High. You know, best school ever.
My parents went there. Ugh again. Whyd I have to bring them up? I fisted the sheet, wishing I could snatch the words back. I could pretend to be normal, but only if the discussion stayed away from everything personal.
How about you? she asked, not pursuing my slipup.
Good, that was good. Carver Academy. Not anymore, though. My grandparents lived inthe Asher High district, I realized. Guess Id be seeing a lot more of Kat after summer break. I opened my mouth to tell her, but just as quickly closed it. No reason to light that particular fire.
An Astro Jet, huh? she said. We kicked your butt last year on the field and the court. Go Tigers! Im sure you cried about it, so heres your warning for this year. Youre gonna lose again, and youre gonna cry again. Sorry. The sooner you get used to the idea, the faster youll heal. She finished off the pudding and claimed my cup of water, tossing my straw aside and drinking from the rim. So, do you have a boyfriend?
No.
One dark brow arched, and lips that were coated with a clear, glittery gloss pursed. Girlfriend?
No.
Too bad. Not about the girlfriend, though that would have been cool because you would have been my first lesbian friend and I would never have to worry about you stealing my man like that hobag Rina, but about the boyfriend. You could have set me up with one of his friends and I could have texted my ex pictures of our fake, steaming-hot love affair. So, hey, do you want me to steal a wheelchair and spring you? We can head down to the cafeteria and grab a burger. They arent the best, but after my pudding appetizer, I really need a meal. And, just for future reference, hunger makes me mental.
Leave the room? Enter the world? No, thanks. I settled more firmly against my mound of pillows, forced a yawn. Im kinda tired.
She held up her hands, palms out in innocence and understanding, reminding me ofno oneand stood. Say no more. I feel you. Ill take off and let you rest. A few steps brought her to the door, where she paused to look back at me. You know, I think Im gonna like you, Ali Bell. Ill need a few more visits to help me decide for sure, but yeah, I think well be tight and youll soar to the top of my Five. And then she was gone.
* * *
As it turned out, I stayed at the hospital only one more night. I didnt see Kat for the rest of the summer, which was probably for the best. She was a nice girl, and I was bad company, and if shed spent any more time with me she might have changed her mind about my acceptability. Tight would have become please, please, please, never come near me again. I doubted I would have even made her Fave Fifty.
Can you tell I was a depressed, neurotic mess?
To my consternation, my grandparents saw right through my Ill be okay murmurs and spent hours, days, weeks, trying to cheer me up. They were wonderful people, they really were, but I know I frustrated them.
I should be crying, they said. Id feel better. What I couldnt bring myself to tell them was that my tears were on lockdown. Every day I could feel the burn of them behind my eyes, but the droplets never formed, never fell. And to be honest, the lack didnt bother me. I didnt want to cry. Deep down I had accepted the fact that I deserved to sufferto seethe on the inside.
Actually, I deserved worse.
When the day of the funeral dawned, I stunned everyone, including myself, by asking to skip it. I justI couldnt stand the thought of seeing where my family would spend the rest of eternity, rotting for years before disappearing altogether. And even though that would have counted as the worse, I still wanted to remember them as theyd been: alive and vibrant. But of course, my grandparents denied my request.
On the drive over, I sat in the backseat of their sedan. Today they were dressed in head-to-toe black, as was I. Theyd bought me a fancy new dress. I really wish they hadnt gone to the trouble or the expense. I would have rather worn a potato sack. This was a terrible day, and I would have liked my clothing to reflect that.
Anyway. I didnt want to think about me. Nana had styled her shoulder-length brown hair into a loose bob that hid the paleness of her cheeks. She clutched a tissue in her shaky fist and continually dabbed at her watery eyes. Shed lost family, too, I reminded myself. I wasnt the only one suffering. I should try to help her with her loss, should act the way she wanted me to act, butI just couldnt.
Do you want to say a few words honoring the, uh, deceased? Pops asked after clearing his throat. His graying hair had receded so much at the sides that he had a major widows peak. The rest was thinning and yes, he sported a cringe-worthy comb-over. How my mom had loved to tease him about that. Ali?
I didnt need to think about my reply. No, thank you.
Nana twisted to face me. Her eyelids were puffed, the skin underneath splotched with red and her makeup streaked. I had to look away. Those golden eyes were too familiar, the pain inside them tooreflective.
Are you sure? she asked. I know your mother would have wanted
Im sure, I rushed out. Just the thought of standing in front of everyone and sharing my favorite memories caused a cold sweat to break out on my skin. No way. Just no way.
Her tone gentled as she said, This is your chance to say goodbye, Alice.
Gonna be sick. Call me Ali. Please. And II cant say goodbye. I wasnt ever going to say goodbye. Part of me still clung to the idea that there was a chance Id wake up and discover all of this was simply a bad dream.
A weary sigh left her, and she returned her attention to the front. All right. I dont think what youre doing is healthy, but all right.
Thank you, I said, relief causing me to wilt against my seat belt.
The rest of the drive passed in silence, only the occasional sniffle to be heard. What I would have given for my iPod. Id play Skillet or Red and pretend I was dancing withmyself. But I hadnt gone home to pack my things. I hadnt wanted to go home. Nana had done that for me, and technophobe that she was, shed probably had no idea what that little Nano could do.
At last we reached our destination and walked to the grave sites. There would be no church service. Everything was to be done here. Which wasnt right. My mother had loved to go to church, and my dad had hated cemeteries, had died at the edge of oneof this one, to be morbidly specificand they were going to bury him here? That was wrong on so many levels, and ticked me off.
He should have been cremated. But what did I know? I was just the daughter whod helped kill him.
Now, in the daylightor what should have been daylightI studied the place that had destroyed my life. The sky was dark and drizzly, as if the world wept for what it had lost. While I was right on board with that, my dad wouldnt have approved. Hed loved the sun.
The hilly stretch of land was treed up just right, with a few bushes growing around some of the headstones and flowers of every color thriving in every direction.
One day there would be bushes and flowers around my familys headstones. Right now, there were just three big, empty holes, waiting for those closed caskets to drop.
Once again I found myself the recipient of too many Im sorrys and youll be okays. Screw them all. I retreated inside myself, tuning out everything that was spoken during the ceremony, simply looking around.
People around me wept into their tissues. There was Mr. and Mrs. Flanagan, my former neighbors, and their son, Cary. He was a cute boy, a little older than me. I cant remember how many times Id thought that if I was a normal girl, with a normal life, Id be sitting at my window, staring out at his house, imagining him closing the distance and asking me out on a date. Imagining wed go to dinner, hed walk me to my door, and kiss me. My first. Imagining hed tell me that he didnt care how crazy my family was, that he liked me no matter what.