I never had. He never had.
Now he cast me a sad smile, and I looked away.
When the pastor had finished, when my grandparents had said their piece, everyone stood and gathered in groups, talking, swapping stories. Too many of them congregated around me, patting my shoulders and giving me hugs. Actions I didnt appreciate or return. I just didnt have the strength to put on a dog-and-pony show so that I wouldnt hurt anyones feelings.
I wanted to be in my bed, buried under the covers, pretending I had my old life back.
She was such a happy child, wasnt she? said someone at my side. A woman I couldnt quite place but knew Id seen before was peering at the smallest casket, tears streaming down her red cheeks. Were going to miss her. I remember this one time
On and on she talked. I stood there, suddenly unable to breathe. I opened my mouth to tell her to shut up, but the words wouldnt form. I tried to walk away, but my feet were rooted in place, as if someone had poured concrete over my shoes.
And then there was the time, in class, when she helped
A loud ringing sprouted in my ears and I couldnt make out the individual words. Didnt matter. I knew who she was talking about, and if she didnt get out of my face, I was going to lose it. Already I was spiraling into an abyss, screaming silently.
and the other girls utterly adored her
Argh! Spiralingspiraling out of control
I deserved this, I reminded myself. This was part of my worse. My words, my insistence, had killed my family, had put them in those boxes. Had I done anything differently, a single detail, they would still be alive. But I hadnt, and so here I was. There they were.
her talent, her spirit, were rare and glorious and I
The abyss threw me one way, then the other, cutting me up bit by bit, destroying me. The woman had to shut up. She just had to. Shut. Up. My heart felt pinned against my ribs, warping the beat, and if she didnt shut up I would die. I knew I would die.
used to tell me she wanted to be just like you when she grew up. She admired you so much....
Shut up, shut up, shut up! But she kept talking and kept telling me all about mysister....
about Emma
Emmagonemy lilygone
Id promised to keep her safe. Id failed.
A scream ripped from my throat, followed right on the heels of another and another. I lost track of everything around me, clutched my ears to stop from hearing the utter horror in my voice, and fell to my knees.
No, not just to my knees. I fell down, down, down, the abyss, a never-ending pit of despair, still screaming, screaming, consumed by grief, flooded by sorrow.
Hands patted at me, but I didnt calm. I screamed so loud and so long my voice eventually broke. I gagged and choked, tears pouring down my cheeks, pooling around me, a lake of misery. I cried so hard my entire body shook, and my eyes swelled shut. I couldnt breathe, didnt want to breathe anymore. Dying would have been a relief.
I dont know what happened after that. For the second time in my life, I lost consciousness. Maybe I would never wake....
* * *
But of course, I awoke. In the days that followed, I tried to take comfort in the fact that the worst thing that could ever happen to me had already happened. Big surprise, that didnt help. But at some point, I finally accepted that this wasnt any kind of nightmare. This was my new reality, and I had better learn to deal or the tears would never stop flowing.
Each night I sat on the ledge seat in front of my rooms only window, looking down at my new backyard. There was half an acre of trees, hills and flowers, and a stockade fence that marked the property boundaries. Beyond the fence was a hill spotlighted by a golden sliver of moonlight, but because of the steepness of the incline, I couldnt see anything more than thick, towering trunks.
I was tired, but I wouldnt be sleeping. Any time I drifted off, I dreamed of the accident. I preferred to spend my time searching for my dads monsters, not sure whether I wanted to prove they existed or that they didnt, remembering all the times Id caught my dad doing the same thing.
Dad had carried a gun, though Id never heard him shoot it. Now I had to wonder if a gun would actually help. The monsters had slipped past human skinlike ghostsor the demons Id been so unsure about.
This is ridiculous. The monsters werent real.
And yet, a few times since the accident, I was certain that Id spied one.
As if on cue, the bushes swayed. I leaned forward until my nose pressed into the glass. Probably the wind, I thought, even as I watched tree limbs stretch toward each other. Limbs, not arms, surely. And those were leaves, not hands. Surely.
A flash of white caught my attention, and I gulped. That wasnt a woman with stooped shoulders darting between the trees but a deer. Had to be a deer, but
Deer didnt wear wedding gowns, did they.
I pumped a fist into the pane, rattling the entire window, and the womandeerdarted away, swiftly hidden by the trees. I waited several long minutes, but she itnever came back into view.
By the time the sun rose, my eyelids felt like sandpaper against my eyes. I had to stop doing this, had to stop torturing myself. Otherwise, Id have to throw in the towel and admit Id inherited my dads crazy.
And wouldnt that just be irony at its finest?
With that thought, I didnt laugh with bitterness, cry, or even crawl into bed. I began planning the next nights watch.
3Eerily Curiouser and Eerily Curiouser
Summer break passed far too quickly, and the first day of my junior year finally arrived. Asher High was on the outskirts of Birmingham, only a ten-minute drive from my grandparents house. Go Tigers. The bus turned the ten-minute drive into forty. But you know, I was glad for every one of those extra minutes. Like Id told Kat that day at the hospital, my mom and dad had graduated from Asher, and all I could think about was whether their pictures were hanging in any of the display cases.
I wasnt ever going to look. If I saw them, Id probably have a breakdown right there in the halls, something that hadnt happened since the funeral. Yeah, I liked to think I was stronger now, more in control, but I wasnt taking chances.
I sat in front, just behind the driver, and kept my head down during the ride. I spoke to no one, and I was the first to exit, my steps quick as my backpack thumped against me.
I paused in front of the building, my eyes wide and my stomach churning. So. Many. Kids. Some were tall, some were short. Black, white. Boy, girl. Rich, poor. Preppy, stoned. Skinny, not so skinny. Clothed, practically naked. Each one huddled in a group, beyond excited to be together again. Everyone seemed to be talking over someone else and laughing.
The building itself was sprawling and kind of creepy, because wowTigers took their school colors seriously. Never had I seen so much black and gold. Black brick was interspaced with gold brick. There was a wealth of trees, the trunks painted black and the leaves painted gold. There was a cement walkway, and black-and-gold tiger paws led to the front doors, where metal detectors stood guard. Someone had anchored tiger ears on the sides and whiskers in the middle to give the detectors faces.
Note to self: Never talk badly about jungle cats. Id probably get my head dunked in the toilet.
I stopped by the front office and asked for a map, only to be sighed at and pointed to a fat stack of them on the counter. I grabbed one and muttered, Thanks. I had my schedule already, so it was just a matter of finding my way. Id never been good with directions.
As I was walking away, a woman strode out of the back office, spotted me and changed her course, heading straight for me.
She held out a well-manicured hand. Youre Alice Bell.
Ali, I said as we shook. Her grip was strong. Too strong.
Im the principal here. Dr. Wright. And do not think youll get away with calling me Ms. Wright, Wright or Hey Lady. I earned my title and you will use it. Understood?
Yes. I looked her over as discreetly as possible. Dark brown hair framed a pretty face. She had olive-toned skin, brown eyes that practically flashed the words I mean business, and a cupids bow mouth.
If you need anything, she said, already moving off, dont hesitate to let one of my assistants know.
Thanks. I will
She didnt hear me, because she was already gone.
I made my way into a hall that was plastered with Tigers Rule posters and majorly congested, kids rushing in every direction, a (black-and-gold) beach ball being tossed around, laughter echoing. I must have been walking too slowly, because several people tried to mow me down.
In an act of self-preservation, I pressed into a wall of lockers. Soon the crowd would thin and I could navigate my way without incident. As I waited, I tried not to think about my old school and the fact that, after my last class, I wouldnt be walking to the nearest elementary school to pick up
Nope, not going there.
Ali?
My gaze shot from the floor to a beautiful brunette, who stood front and center in a group of girls. Kat! I mean, Mad Dog. I was so happy to discover a familiar face, I did something I hadnt done all summer. I smiled.
She smiled back, looking genuinely happy to see me, and waved me over.
I closed the distance, and she threw her arms around me as if we were long-lost friends. Well, well, look what the Kat dragged in. Get it? Of course you do. I only make awesome jokes. But enough of my brilliant banter. Im so glad youre here! Her gaze slid over me, and she gave me another grin, this one sly. Look at you, total chili pepper hot. I love it!
A lie, surely. I had on ratty sneakers, ripped jeans and the oldest tee I owned. The fabric was so frayed, I looked like Igagwore fringe. I just hadnt felt like getting dressed up, as if I had something to celebrate.
The therapist my grandparents had made me see would have said I was punishing myself for living when the rest of my family had died. (If she had uttered those words just one more time, I would have hacked off my ears and left them with her.) Id already figured that out on my own, thank you. That didnt change how I felt.
Well? Kat prompted. Arent you going to tell me how good I look?
My gaze roved from top to bottom. You dont look good. You look amazing, I added before she could pout. She wore glittery shoes, Miss Me hip-huggers and a skintight black top. Dark hair fell in pretty waves over one shoulder.
Gold star for Ali, she said. Now, then. Allow me to make introductions. Ladies, this is Ali, a very special friend of mine.
I stiffened, thinking she meant to tell them where wed met, but she didnt and I could have hugged her all over again.
Ali, this is Reeve, Poppy and Wren.
O-kay. No Janes, Beths, or Kellys here. Hello, I said, sounding as lame as always. The girls were as flawless as Kat, with stunning faces youd usually find only in magazines. They wore drool-worthy outfits, also found only in magazines.
Magazines. Yeah. Thats the only thing that made any sense. Kat had picked each girl out of Flawless Friends Forever, Im sure. In comparison, I felt frumpy and way outclassed, like Id been selected from Homeless Dogs Weekly.
Nice to meet you, said Wren, a gorgeous black girl with the most amazing caramel eyes.
Any friend of Kats said Poppy, a freckled redhead surely destined to marry a prince or something.
Im throwing a party this weekend. Reeve flicked her dark hair over one shoulder. Her features were striking, bold, and her skin the most beautiful sun-dusted color of bronze. Just a little get-together to celebrate surviving our first week of school. Well, our first three days.
Why did school always start in the middle of the week?
You have to come, she added.
I, uhhmm.
Id never been to a party, but Id certainly heard a lot about the ones my friends had attended. Therefore I knew that 1) Id be stuck in an overcrowded house with people I barely knew, 2) Id be stuck in an overcrowded house with drunk people I barely knew, because there would be drinkingnot only had my friends told me about that part, but my mother had forced me to watch enough after-school specials to fry a thousand brain cellsand 3) it would take place at night.
Once, all Id wanted was to go out at night. I would have given anything for a simple moonlit stroll. Arm? Leg? Why not my soul?
Now? Even the thought terrified me.
Shell definitely be there, Kat said. Ill make sure of it. Now, get, get. Ali and I need private time to catch up. She kissed each girl on the cheek and sent them all on their ways before returning her attention to me. So, you received your schedule, yes?
I ignored the fact that she had just guaranteed my party attendance. No reason to hurt her feelings with a belligerent (and childish) never, ever, you cant make me go! Yes. Having memorized the blocks, I rattled off my classes and prayed we had at least one together.
Rock on! Well have lunch and last block to plan our takeover attempt on the school. Ive already decided. Me and my girls are ruling. Now, Ill walk you to first period. Youre two buildings over so its gonna be a hike.
Are you over there, too?
Nah. Im here. She hitched her thumb at the door only a few feet away.
I glanced at the clock at the far end of the hall. We had six minutes until the tardy bell rang. Wont you be late to your own class?
Yeah, but dont worry. Grinning that sly little grin of hers, she twined her arm through mine. This is my humanitarian deed of the day. Besides, youll owe me. And yes, I always collect. Ask anyone. Theres not a single person in this school who doesnt owe me a favor. True story.
As tiny as she was, she had no problem pushing her way through the crowds, telling people off or flipping them off when they did or said something she didnt like. But she kept up a steady chatter with me, telling me everything I needed to know to survive.
Shes a skank. Hes a player. Hes cute but almost ODd last year, so hes a bad bet. Shes a two-faced, lying, cheating witch. Thats right, Trina, Im talking to you, she shouted. By the way, she added just for me, Trina cusses, which means cussing is trashy, which means my golden rule is to never cuss. I have class. Unlike Trina, the skank of Birmingham. That last part was, of course, shouted.
I half expected the pretty but, well, somewhat masculine Trina to fly across the hall and introduce Kats teeth to her fist, but Trina just fronted and moved on with a glare that promised vengeance.
O-kay. New note to self: never mess with Trina. Her tank was regulation, but still managed to show off her muscular arms and tats. Her hair was chopped to just below her ears, and there were scars stretching across the back of her neck. Like, scars that resembled teeth marks.
And I really needed to stop rubbernecking, or Id paralyze myself.
Hes gay but in denial, Kat continued, as though nothing had happened, so just a heads-up not to try and tap that. Now his friend over there is loaded, but hes a total douche. Oh, and shes so snotty youll need Kleenex just to talk to her. Actually, just pretend that entire group has the plague, and youll be the better for it. Shes not bad. Hescrap! She ground to a stop, forcing me to do the same. Laugh like I just said something amazingly hilarious.
Laugh? Seriously? Did I even remember how?
She slapped my arm and whispered fiercely, Laugh!
Okay, so I forced out a laugh. Im embarrassed to admit I sounded like a frog had jumped into my throat and played bongos on my voice box. Even Kat was horrified, her mouth hanging open so wide that I could see her tonsils.
She recovered quickly and tossed her hair over her shoulder, throwing off her own magical laugh. It was like an angel played the harp on top of a rainbow. So not fair!
Why are we doing this? I asked quietly.
Dont look now, but thats my ex over there.
Surely Im not the only one who takes dont look now as theres no better time than now. I looked.
Bad Ali! Another slap to my arm. Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self-control?
Sorry. I rubbed away the sting. Did I stop looking, though? No. I stared. Hard.
To the right of us was a group of eight boys. If Id ever needed a visual definition of serial criminal, I now had one (or eight). They were tall, all of them, and they were stacked with muscle. Most sported tattoos on their arms and piercings on their faces. A few wore chains around their waists, as if the metal links were belts, but on those bodies they could only be weapons.
Proof: two of them had house-arrest anklets on display over their dirt-caked boots.
They were shoving one another, laughing and punching each other on the arms. One of them even rubbed his fist into anothers hair, holding the guy by the waist and forcing him to stay hunched over and take the abuse while others pointed and called him the worst kind of names.
There used to be more of them, Kat said. Two died last year from some disease that turns your blood into a toxic sludge, basically causing you to rot from the inside out. Its not contagious or anything like that, or so the proverbial they saypamphlets were sent out to all the students because everyone was totally panickingbut its weird that two guys got it at the same time, you know.
I caught a note ofsomething in her voice. Did you know them?
Yeah, and I thought Id cry forever. And this might be horrible to say, but Im kinda glad they went together. They were best friends and you never saw one without the other. And wow, this little chat became morbid. My apologies.
No worries, I saideven though I was worried. I never wanted to think about death and blood again, much less talk about them. So which one is yours? I asked, changing the subject back to the living boys.
She snorted with disgust. The blond, and he was mine. Was. Hes not anymore and wont ever be again.
I scanned the crowd. Two were black, one had a shaved head, two were brunettes, one had jet-black hair and two were blond. I wanted to look over the blonds, I really did, but once I spotted the one with hair so black it was almost blue, I was stuck.
He wore a bright red baseball cap. There was writing in the center, but I couldnt make out the words. He was the only one not horsing around. With his back pressed into the lockers and his arms folded over his chest, he watched his friends with lazy amusement.
He was gorgeous, and I absolutely, no question, had to be drooling. After a quick and hopefully stealthy checkbig shock, I wasnt!I found myself wondering what color his eyes were. Brown maybe. Or even hazel. Either waywow, just wow. Deer? Headlights? Hi, Im Ali.
Yo, Kitty Kat, someone called. I forced myself to stop staring at Red Hat and glancedat one of the blonds. Come over here and give me a proper hello. You know you want to.
What I want is for you to go to hell, she called back.
Aw, come on. Dont be that way, baby. He was the taller of the blonds, with cold brown eyes and a face that would have made the devil hide in a shadowed corner, sucking his thumb and crying for his mommy. Even though I couldnt imagine him winning a girl like Kat, I could imagine him cheating. He had to be the ex. You love me, cause you just cant help yourself.
I hope Rina gave you an STD.
The boys around him snickered, and the fact that he maintained his grinrather than murdering Katsurprised me.
Thats harsh, baby. I was just teasing when I called you by her name.
Both times?
Yep. The ex. Sooo Trina the two-faced, lying, cheating witch had to be the very same Rina hed messed around with over summer break. And, honestly? That totally blew my mind. Kat was one of the prettiest, most feminine girls Id ever met, while that Trina person was hard-core.
Although, so was the ex. Besides that Im-totally-a-serial-killer face, he had black bands tattooed around his wrists and brass knuckles tattooed over hiswell, knuckles.
Im not mad, though, Kat said. You lied to me, and I lied to you. Were even.
Finally he lost the grin. When did you lie?
She gave him a SweetN Low smile, as if his amusement had been poured into her. Every time we messed around. I didnt actually enjoy myself, if you know what I mean.
Burn, one of his friends said.
He shoved the boy away. Dont be that way, he pleaded to her, and I would have bet he was only halfway kidding. There was a desperate gleam in those dark eyes.
Dont tell me what to do. And by the way, Im not teasing when I do this. Kat flipped him off times two, and all of his friends erupted into a fresh round of snickers.
His confident facade faded, but still he said, Ill change your mind and Ill win you back. Its just a matter of time.
Actually, its just a matter of time before I feed your balls to my dog. In an aside to me, she said, Remind me that I need to buy a dog.
The black-haired one finally glanced over at usyeah, Id returned to staring at himand I forgot all about Kat and her problems. Violet, I realized. Those eyes of his were the most amazing shade of violet. Id never seen so beautiful a color.
Had to be contacts. Right?
He gave Kat a once-over and grinned a hello. I barely stopped myself from chewing on one of my nails, a disgusting nervous tic Id broken years ago. Would he look directly at me?
Answer: yes.
The moment our eyes met, the moisture in my mouth dried up and I lost focus of my surroundings. He was all that I could see, all that I wanted to see. And in the span of a single second we were no longer across the hall from each other
we were pressed together, his arms wrapped around me, my arms wrapped around him, and we were kissing. Miracle of miracles, he was five inches taller than me, practically dwarfing me. I loved it! And oh, glory, I loved what we were doing....
I had never been kissed before, but his tongue was definitely in my mouth, and my tongue was definitely in his, and we were practically eating each others faces.
Ali, he breathed as he drew me closer, squeezed me tighter.
Cole, I breathed back. I couldnt get enough of him and never wanted to stop. He was so warm. So very warm, when Id been so cold all summer. No matter how many blankets Id piled on top of me, Id been cold. I wanted to stay here, just like this, forever.
My fingers tangled in his hair, knocking off his cap. He angled his head, taking my mouth deeper, harder.
You taste good, he rasped. He smelled of sandalwood and something fruity, like a strawberry lollipop just freed from its wrapper.
Talk later. Kiss now
Ali. Ali! Kat stepped in front of me. She was frowning, waving. Hello? Anyone home?
I blinked and realized I was in the same spot Id occupied before. And with that realization came another. Id never crossed the hall, never met the boy in the hat halfwayCole, Id called himnever plowed my fingers through his hair. Never touched him, and absolutely never kissed him, yet my lips tingled and I was having trouble drawing air into my lungs.
You okay? Kat asked, her concern evident.
She was so short I had no trouble peeking over her shoulder at the group of boys. Nearly everyone else had abandoned the hallways. Maybe because the tardy bell had been ringingand was only now fading. Crap. Crap, crap, crap. How long had I been staring at that boy?
At least he was staring at me, too. Or maybe that wasnt such a good thing. He was scowling at me, and it was the kind of scowl you saw on a guy in a dark alley just before he crunched your face into the dirt and stole your purse. One of his friends was tugging on his arm, trying to get his attention.
Red Hat snapped his teeth at me and turned away to stomp out of the hall. His remaining friends traveled after him, one of them muttering, Mind telling us what that was about, my man?
I leaned against the lockers to find my balance. Only then, with distance between us and his gaze unlocked from mine, did I manage to catch my breath. The one with the hat, I said to Kat. Whats his name? I probably should have assured her of my mental competence first, but I craved info about him too badly. And really, could I assure anyone of my mental competence just then?
Kats head fell forward, as if suddenly too heavy to hold up, but her penetrating stare remained on me. Why? Are you interested in him?
My mouth floundered open and closed. I was interested in knowing what had just happened. How I had justenvisioned kissing him. How that vision had seemed so real that Id felt his heat, his strength. So real that my body had reacted physically.
Just curious, I finally said, trying for a nonchalance I didnt feel. But my words were the straight-up truth. I was curious.
She wasnt buying. Thats Cole Holland, and girl, you so dont want to date him. Trust me.
Shock blustered through me. His name really was Cole? Buthow had I known that?
You heard someone else call him Cole, thats all. A subconscious thing.
Maybe. Probably. Why? I croaked.
Because Im totally trustworthy. Hello, youve met me, right?
If I hadnt been in such a state of upheaval, I would have rolled my eyes. Not why should I trust you. Why dont I want to date him?
Oh. Well, for starters, because youre intimidated by him.
Im not intimidated by him.
She rose on her tiptoes to pat the top of my head, and said, Since you wont admit that little truth, how about this one? Because hes the leader of that rabid pack of animals and hes totally dangerous.
Dangerous. Yeah, I got that. You dated one of his friends.
She spread her arms, as if Id just made her point for her. And look where I ended upcheated on and brokenhearted. The soft snick of closing doors filled the hall, and she glanced around. Come on. Lets finish this on the way to your class.
Now that the halls were deserted and I could move freely, I should have relaxed. But I felt like Id been plugged into something. A battery, maybe. I had energy. And there was a soft buzzing sound echoing in my head. Even the lights in the hallway seemed brighter.
Coles, like, the worst of the lot, Kat said. He speaks, and the rest of them jump to obey. They skip school a lot, and dowell, your guess is as good as mine. No, probably not as good, but close. And yeah, youd think Id know for sure, but Frosty was stellar at keeping secrets. Obviously. Anyway, theyre always wounded, so you know they like to throw down in the nastiest way possible. And did I mention that theyre secretive? Cole is the worst, but Frosty is second in line for the title of The Vault, I promise you.
Frosty?
My ex.
I got that, but his name is
A nickname, yes. He accidentally locked himself out of his house one winter. By the time he was found he was covered in ice and completely frostbitten. They nearly amputated all of his limbs. True story.
Really? Because I hadnt noticed anything missing, and if theyd nearly amputated all of his limbs, surely they would have taken a few of his fingers, the most vulnerable part of the hand.
Fine, he only lost a toe, but frostbite is treacherous. Anyway, the only girls who get to hang with them on their private little adventures are Mackenzie LoveColes exand Trina, who you had the misfortune to meet earlier.
Cole still hung out with his ex? That had bad news written all over it. Not that I cared. Or wanted to, I dont know, go on a date with him, marry him and have his babies. I just wanted answers. Really.
What had happened in that hallwayor rather, what had not happenedwas freaking me out. I mean, Id always had a strong imagination, as evidenced by the monster in the wedding dress I was convinced Id seen, but this little mind-vacay of making out in the hall with a strange boy I hadnt officially met far surpassed anything else Id ever thought up.
Just a warning, Kat said. If you hang with them, Mackenzie will corner you and threaten your very existence. Oh, and your friends will drop you and youll be known as trouble.
I could handle the name Trouble. Again, not that I was considering doing anything with Cole. Were you dropped when you dated Frosty?
For a moment, only a moment, she radiated sadness. Then she flipped her hair over one shoulder, grinned and said, Ive always been known as big-time trouble, and though no one has yet realized, Im more trouble now that Frosty and I Or is it Frosty and me? I cant ever remember. Whatevs. Im more trouble now that weve spilt, but youll learn to appreciate that part of me, Im sure.