Silence.
I didnt think so. Ali? she said, and I knew what she was asking. Did I want her to stay with me?
Im fine, I said, still squeaking. Come on and grow that pair of lady balls Kat thinks you already have. Theres still time to bring home the victory on this one. Id lived through hell on earth. This should be nothing.
Cole returned his attention to me, expectant.
Im fine, I repeated, for my benefit rather than Kats. At least Id sounded halfway normal. I would get this meeting over with, get my questions answered, and boom, everything would go back to normal.
Just remember what I told you. Off she skipped, leaving me alone with Cole.
What had she told me? That he was dangerouscheck. That he still hung out with his excheck. That he liked to body slam and throat smashdouble check.
You have Mrs. Heldermon next, he said, a statement not a question.
Yes. Surprise filled me, and not just because he hadnt cussed, as Id previously imagined. How did you know?
He massaged the back of his neck, just like hed done when hed talked with Mackenzie. Please tell me that wasnt a sign of irritation. My class is in the same building. Yesterday I saw you go into the room.
And yet, Id never seen himand Id looked. Oh, how Id looked. Either my powers of observation were lacking, or his ability to camouflage himself was incredible.
Come on, he said.
We kicked into motion. Everyone who spotted us did a double take. Friends were nudged and heads were quickly turned in our direction. It was like we were on a screen playing the newest reality showSurvivor: Asher Highand they were our trusted viewers.
When we were out of eavesdropping range, Cole said, Whatever youre doing to me each morning a hint of anger bloomed in his tone you need to stop.
My gaze whisked up to his face so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. Whatever Im doing to you? How about what youre doing to me?
What am I doing to you?
Like I was really going to mention my craziness without confirmation of his. You tell me. Because really, he could be talking about something totally different. Maybe he wanted me to stop eye-stalking him, as Id first assumed. Maybe he wanted me to stop conversing with his friends, even when they cornered me like a rabid animal.
We kept walking, neither of us saying anything else. I wanted to wait him out, but I lacked the willpower and ultimately cracked. Sowho did you fight?
There was only a beat of hesitation before he responded, No one youd know.
Annnd more silence.
O-kay. Hed arranged this little meeting, had asked me two questions and now had nothing to say to me. That was arelief. Yes, a relief and not a huge disappointment.
All too soonuh, I mean, a torturous eternity laterwe reached my classroom and stopped. Thanks for the escort, but lets not do this again sometime, I muttered. Forget answers. I could live without them.
He stretched his arm in front of me, flattening his palm against the door frame, preventing my escape. Im sorry about Mackenzie, he said, and some of his animosity had drained. She wont bother you again.
Well, that was something at least. I wasnt worried, I replied honestly.
His lips quirked at the corners, as if he were fighting a smile. You should be worried. She can be a Mean. Very mean.
What had he stopped himself from calling her? A ~bleep~? (Kat would have been so proud. I couldnt even cuss in my mind.) Im still not worried.
His sorta smile stretched wider. Have you ever been in a fight? With his free hand, he pinched a lock of my hair and rubbed the strands together. Because you look like something out of a fairy tale.
The wicked witch? I couldnt help but ask.
Please. The princess.
Uh, had he just given me a compliment? Couldnt have. Thered been something sharp in his tone.
I noticed two kids standing off to the side, wanting into the classroom but not wanting to squeeze between Cole and me to get there. I wrapped my fingers around Coles wrist and lowered his arm. The kids bypassed us, but I didnt return to my place. I was flush against Cole, could feel his heart pounding and couldnt bring myself to move.
Yes, I have been in a fight, I said, recalling what hed asked me. With my dad, during training.
Coles head tilted to the side, that violet gaze intense. A fistfight? he asked.
Uh-oh. Id noticed his eyes. I was well and truly trapped now. So pretty. Is there any other kind?
Many kinds. So whod you fight?
No one youd know, I said, mimicking his answer. If I told him the truth, hed think my dad had let me win or worse, that I was a major witch for fighting my own father. And Id have no defense!
The quirking at the corner of his mouth started up again. I amused him, I guess, and had no idea why. Well, he confused me. Why warn me about his exs cruel streak? Why try to comfort me? Why do nothing else?
I studied his face, searching for answers, finding none.
Ali?
Yes. My attention lowered to his mouth. Up close like this, the split in his lower lip revealed a fresh bead of blood. I bet he could have taken my dad and still had the energy to turn the two visions Id had into a reality.
I asked if your last name is Bell.
This newest topic switch threw me, but I quickly adapted without dying of embarrassment for losing myself to such silly thoughts. Yes. Bell. Why?
Your dad was Phillip Bell. Your mom was Miranda Bradley.
Was, hed said. Not is. He knew. I swallowed my sudden urge to scream, gritting out, Youre right, but how did you know that? Id never even mentioned their names to Kat.
My dad went to school with them.
Someone else had known them, might mourn their loss. How odd to discover that the people Id lived with for most of my existence had had a life before me, without me. On some level, Id realized that, of course I had, but hearing the truth was a different matter entirely. Your dad went to school here?
A hard nod.
I had about a thousand more questions now. Had our parents hung out together? Been friends? Enemies? Had his dad said anything about mine? How had his dad known about mehad Cole mentioned me to him? I didnt ask a single one, though. Asking would have invited him to ask questions of his own, and I wasnt ready to talk about what had happened over the summer.
My dad wants to know
Thanks for the heads-up about your girlfriend, I interjected in a rush, making it clear our parents werent up for discussion. I wasnt sure of my reaction, and I wasnt going to risk it. We should probably say goodbye now.
A knowing pause before he gave another stiff nod. Fine. But just so you know, Mackenzie isnt my girlfriend.
He didnt say anything else, and I had no idea how to reply, so I strode into the classroom. Gold star for meI didnt cast a final glance over my shoulder. I think he watched me, though, because I felt two white-hot pings in my back.
* * *
I made it all the way to last block without any problems and forced myself to listen to the final lecture of the day, this one about equations and how to properly decipher them with minimal brain spasmswithout allowing thoughts of Cole Holland to invade. Go me. Finally, blessedly, the bell rangand I was quite sad to realize I wasnt any smarter.
Kat, whod saved me a seat and wiggled her eyebrows at me every time Id glanced in her direction, grabbed me before I could escape and demanded to know every word that had been uttered between Cole and me.
The self-imposed CH embargo was over, I guess, and I was kinda glad. I needed advice. I relayed the conversation verbatim and her excitement drained.
Okay, I dont know how they judge cool versus lame at Carver Suck It Academyoh, and did I mention that we kicked your butt last year in both football and basketball?but here at Asher we consider that seriously lame.
I wasnt offended. I liked her honesty. What should I have said?
She batted her lashes at me and lowered her voice to a smoky rasp. Cole, you big strong manimal. I know the boogeyman thinks youll jump out of his closet, but I think youre Hey, are you listening to our private conversation, Marcus? she ended in a shout. Yeah, thats right. Run.
I could only blink at her. Never, and I mean never, could I call Cole a manimal.
Where was I? Kat asked me. Never mind. Judging by your expression, youre not ready for flirting lessons. Ill just stick with giving you a pick-me-up. Come on. Lets go to Café Bella and drink so many lattes were peeing coffee for a week.
Suddenly I heard angels singing. I would seriously love that.
She smiled. I always have the best ideas, dont I?
Outside, a gray film covered the sky. Thick dark clouds looked ready to burst at any momentexcept for one. It was white and fluffy, perfect in every wayand shaped like a rabbit in midhop.
Ice chips crystallized in my veins, and I skidded to a stop. The last time Id seen a cloud like that, Id lost everyone and everything I loved.
Logically I knew a cloud did not determine my future, or even predict it, but
The world was suddenly spinning, spinning, round and round. Car after car zoomed beside me, the parking lot writhing and seething with blurry motions and hazy sounds. Someone honked. Someone grumbled. I couldnt force myself to move. Could only stare in horror.
Ali?
Kats voice sounded far away, as if she stood at the end of a long, narrow tunnel. Would I cause Kat to wreck her car today? Would she die in front of me? Would I walk away without a scratch?
Finally, motion on my part. I backed away from her.
Ali? she said again.
I jerked my gaze in her direction. Her frown of concern nearly leveled me. I cant, I said, shaking my head. I just cant. Im sorry. Fog filled my head, making me dizzy. I spun and ran, just ran, arrowing toward the building.
I heard her calling for me, knew she was chasing after me. A back door blew open and closed in the wind. I shot through on its next opening and sprinted down the hall. I didnt see Dr. Wright but I heard her shout for me. I ignored her, too, and found a bathroom (for boys) where I shut myself inside one of the stalls. Panting, I sat on the lid of the toilet, drew my knees up to my chest and fought the sting of tears in the back of my eyes.
Minutes, maybe hours, passed but neither Kat nor Dr. Wright ever found me.
What should I do? What should I freaking do? Id already missed my bus, and I refused to call Nana to ask her to pick me up. I justI couldnt get in a car today. With anyone. If someone died because of me, I would never be able to shake the guilt.
You realize youre being irrational, right?
Yeah, I did. But did that help me? No.
My house was only a few miles away. I could walk, I decided. Yeah, that was the perfect solution. No cars would be involved, and Id get some much-needed exercise. Finally I calmed.
The storm would break at any moment, and Id probably be soaked to the bone by the time I got home, but everyone would be safe. That was all that mattered.
6Advice from a Dying Caterpillar
Dinner that evening proved to be a horribly tense affair. Nana had come home early and I hadnt been there. She had worried. Shed called my cell a dozen times but I hadnt answered. I had known she would insist on coming to get me, and my protests would have fallen on deaf ears. So Id sent her straight to voice mail, listened to her messages and texted her back each time, telling her I was on my way and fine.
Whats the point of having a cell phone if youre not going to use it, she muttered now.
I did use it, I said, my voice nasally. My nose was cold, wet and stuffed, and if I sneezed one more time, Id hopefully blow the thing off my face. I texted you. Multiple times.
Her lined face scrunched in distaste, making her appear older than she really was. And I had no idea how to respond! Ive never typed anything but a number into my phone.
Ill teach you the basics, I said, the thought alone enough to make me nervous. I could already tell: thered be lots of adjusting her reading glasses, repeating my instructions as if Id spoken in Greek, until she finally asked me to write everything down in a language she could understand. But there wasnt a language she would understand, so wed never get anywhere.
Youll teach me? Nana asked.
See? Repeating me already. Yes.
You, a girl who doesnt even have enough sense to stay out of the rain until I can come and get you?
As if to emphasize my own stupidity, I sneezed. Yes.
Thats it. Im taking you to the doctor. She tossed her napkin on the table. Youve probably given yourself pneumonia!
Im not sick, Nana. Honest. Wasnt like Id gone to a medical lab, asked for a dish of their tastiest virus and feasted.
She drew in a deep breathreleasedthen picked up her napkin. All right. If youre without a fever tomorrow, Ill allow you to teach me how to text.
Gee. Thanks. So what did you do when Mom was late? I pushed my peas around my plate with the prongs of my fork. She never had a cell.
Pops frowned at me. Is that what today was about? Scaring us so that well never take away your phone? Really, Ali. That was unnecessary. We wouldnt do something like that to you.
That wasnt what happened at all, I said. I just felt like walking. And that was one hundred percent the truth. With the thunder and the wind and the rain, I knew you wouldnt be able to understand me if we spoke. Also, I was afraid Id be struck by lightning and, if the phone was at my ear, electrocuted. Texting was the best option. Again, truthonly stretched thin with the more pertinent details omitted.
Well, dont walk home again, Pops said in that scolding voice. Scolding, and worried. Over the past few days, his comb-over had lost a few valiant soldier-strands desperately holding on to his scalp. Because of me? Im not trying to What do teenagers say nowadays? he asked my grandmother.
Get all up in her biznez, Nana said. Without cracking a smile.
Thats right, he replied. Were not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.
Oh, wow. Okay. They were trying to relate to me right now. Had probably watched a news program about how to communicate with a teenager or something, and Id bet theyd later spent hours in front of a computer screen, studying urban slang, muttering together as they deciphered words and discussed the best way to use them.
Howsweet.
Dang it! Their sweetness made me feel all kinds of guilty.
Those woods are dangerous, Pops continued. Predators of the four-legged variety roam freely, and animal carcasses are found all the time.
I recalled the Bride and Groom of Gore Id seen. Or might not have seen. Whatever. They were predators of the two-legged variety, definitely, and I never wanted an up-close-and-personal meet and greet with them without my baseball bat firmly in hand.
Im sorry, I said after another sneeze. I really am.
Nana muttered something else about pneumonia.
I missed my bus, I added, and I didnt want to bother you. Another stretched truth. It wont happen again. I promise. And that was the Gods honest truth, with no evasion. Id never put them through a worry-wringer again.
You arent a bother. Nana reached over and patted my hand. We love you and just want By then her chin was quivering too much for her to continue. Tears filled her eyes, but she swiftly wiped them away with the back of her hand. She cleared her throat. Now, then. Sniff, sniff. You asked about your mother. Once she started dating your father, she stayed in most nights. And if they went out, he always had her home before dark. We were always so impressed by that and failed to realize Well, never mind.
Did they know why? Had Mom? Or had Dad waited to tell her until after hed bagged and tagged her?
Oh, gross. Thinking of my parents that wayick, just ick.
Did Mom ever mention a friend whose last name was Holland? I asked, recalling what Cole had said to me. Or had tried to say to me.
Nanas lips pursed as she pondered my question. HollandHollandno, that name doesnt ring a bell.
Your mom was terribly shy. Didnt make friends easily, truth be told. Didnt date much, either, Pops said, after swallowing a bite of roast. In fact, your dad was the first boyfriend she ever had.
My mom? Shy? To me, shed always been effervescent, full of life. Just like Emma.
Your dad made her laugh and was always convincing her to do such silly things, Nana said with a soft smile. One day, they dressed in the most hideous outfits Id ever seen and went out to lunch. Im sure people stared, but when they came back, they were laughing so hard your dad actually threw up.
I could not imagine it. To me, hed always been serious, a little too driven, even in his drunkenness.
We finished our dinner in silence, then I trudged to my bedroom. It was the only room on the second floor, and I had a bathroom of my own. My mom had spent her teenage years up here. How had she decorated the place? I wondered. After shed moved out, Nana had boxed up her things and turned the space into first a playroom, then a sewing room and now a guest room.
Me, I hadnt done any decorating at all. The walls were as bare as when Id first moved in. Id stashed the boxes of family pictures Nana had given me in my closet. I hadnt opened them, hadnt hung a single frame. Heck, I hadnt even glanced at them. The most Id done was go through my moms old things, and only because Nana had dug them out. I think shed been trying to reconnect with the child shed lost.
Reconnect. Something Id never truly tried, the sadness that came with such an attempt overwhelming me, stopping me. But I should push through that sadness, shouldnt I? Otherwise, I would forever be a bad daughter and a terrible sister. I mean, Id built my new life around the concept that my mom, dad and sister had never existed, yet they so deserved better. At the very least, they deserved recognition, a place of honor.
Time to pull on those big-girl panties.
I flopped in front of the closet, and with blind eyes and hands no longer operating under my control I burrowed through the box closest to the door. As I withdrew a stack of frames, dust wafted and had me sneezing all over again. But no, I did not have pneumonia or even a cold. And okay, yes, my body grew warmer with every second that passed, as if I was indeed developing a fever, but that stemmed from emotion not a virus.
Tears I hadnt realized had formed trickled down my cheeks, and my vision finally cleared. And there was my mother, looking adorable in a metallic gold dress with her hair teased into what could only be called the Rats Nest look. But what a lovely, glowing smile she had. And there was my dad, cute and lanky in a black tux, with a spray-painted-gold flower hooked to his lapel, his arm wrapped around Moms waist. He had a fierce, get me out of here frown.
They were so young. Was this prom? If so, that would mean my dad had gone out at night. No wonder he was frowning. But then, Nana had said hed never taken my mom out after dark. Somaybe hed refused to take her to prom but had taken her somewhere else, during the day, to make up for his failure.
Why had I never asked them about their teenage years? Now, it was far too late.
I continued searching and at last found a picture of Emma. That mass of dark hair hung in silky waves because Id spent hours curling each individual lock, all because shed always wanted hair that looks like yours, Alice. Somehow shed convinced my mother to buy her a flower girl dresswhen she wasnt a flower girl. The monstrosity was fluffy, white and belled at the waist, with more lace, ruffles and ribbons than could usually be found under a Christmas tree. But then, Emma could sell the devil a vacation stay in the fiery tropic of Hades.
Smiling, I traced my fingertip over the glass. I miss you so much, Em. My vision blurred a second time, new teardrops trickling down and landing on the bow at her waist.
So badly I wanted her to appear. Just one more time. I met this boy, I told her photo. I even talked to him a little without sounding completely idiotic. Hes beautiful and tough andand I kind ofimagined kissing him.
I knew she would have said something like: Oh, gross. Did he slip you the tongue?
And I would have laughed and told her that yes, he had, and that Id liked it way more than a lot, and she would have said, Double gross! And I would have laughed again.
Now she would never experience her own first kiss. Would never go on a date. Would never drive a car. Never ask me about sex. Id never get to lecture her the way Mom had lectured me. Make sure you pick someone really special. Someone you love, who loves you in return. Your virginity is a gift, and you cant give it away twice. And, sweetheart, make sure you wait until youre absolutely ready, and not just because youre curious or because the boy will leave you for someone else if you dont. Heres a newsflash. If hell leave you over something like that, hes using you and hell eventually leave you anyway.
In the next box, I found a journal, bound by scratched black leather. There wasnt any writing on the outside, but I knew it had belonged to my mother because her perfume wafted from it. Were her secrets hidden on the inside? Reverently I cracked open the binding and read over the first page.
The battle has begun. The handwriting was neat, but not something I recognized. Maybe not my mothers, after all. Evil is here, it is real, and if we arent careful, well be consumed by it. But it doesnt have to be that way. We can win. We should win. But too many people are ignorant of the truth and without the truth, we will perish.
What is the truth? We are spirit beings, those spirits our source of power, and we have a soulor our logic and emotions, and we live in a body. Evil lurks in that spiritual realm. Some people can see it while theyre still in their body. Most cannot.
Ugh. I didnt want to think about the world at work around me, not when I was dealing with so much nastiness in my own. And why did my all-love-all-the-time mother have this, anyway? I closed the book with a snap.
As I reached into the box to pull out something else, my phone beeped. I propped the journal and the picture of Emma against the wall, gave her one more smile, then strode to my desk. A text from Kat had come in. And, okay, I admit it. Id dubbed her Meow.
I read, WTF happened 2 U 2day? A load of dill wrap, thats what!
Dill wrap?
A second text came in. Stupid autocorrect. Bull crap!
Any other time, that would have amused me. Gulping, I plopped into the chair and typed, Sorry. Went mental.
Duh! But why??
How should I respond to that? There was no way to explain the rabbit cloud or my paranoia without sounding, well, paranoid. Just didnt feel like being in a car.
Several seconds passed before her response came in. Ah, carsUR fam. I get it now. U OK?
After my chat with Nana and Pops? Im better. And how wonderful to have a friend like Kat. She saw past the surface and liked me anyway. She knew a little about what had happened, but didnt try to press for more. Didnt pretend it hadnt happened, and didnt heap on the platitudes.
Good. So check this. I ran in2 Cole after U ditched me.
What! AND??
He went after U 2. I take it he didnt find U either?
Hed gone after me? Why? Dazed, I stood, walked to my window and settled onto the cushion Id rigged on the ledge. The storm had passed and the sky had cleared. The sun was in the process of setting, the sky a haze of pinks, yellows and purplesmy new favorite color. Because Bridezilla had shown up last night, she would not reappear tonight. She never came two nights in a row, or even three, four or five days after a sighting.
He didnt, I told Kat.
2 bad. I think he would have offered U a ride w/him. Bet U would have been all over THAT. :)
Maybe. Yes. No. Definitely not. I would have turned him down. He might be as tough as nails, but I still wouldnt have wanted to put him in danger. Stupid rabbit cloud that probably meant nothing.
Sohow would someone with Coles forceful personality have handled a rejection? He was used to getting his way. One glance at him, and anyone with half a brain could figure that out. (I barely qualified, Im sure.) Would he have tried to talk me into accepting? Or just tossed me over his shoulder fireman-style and carted me to his car?
Better question: Why did that second option make me want to smile?
Another beep sounded. Or should I say, U would have been all over HIM? Kat had typed.
No way, I replied. Even if Id wanted to throw myself at him, I would have resisted.
Good girl. Make him work 4 it. Oh! Game on Fri & party on Sat. I have idea Cole will show up 2 both just 2 C U. See ya!
I hit her back with a quick, Really?
Nothing. No response.
Kat?? WILL HE BE THERE??
Again nothing.
If U dont answer, Mad Dog, Ill tell every1 UR nickname is PRINCESS FLUFFY.
Still nothing.
We will have serious beef 2morrow! I told her.
Annnd still nothing.
Smart girl that she was, shed probably realized a beef with me was more likely to be mashed potatoes. I was mush where she was concerned.
Distraction time. Sighing, I logged on to my computer, searching for any and all references to Cole Holland.
During the ensuing hour, I learned that Cole did not have a Facebook or Twitter page. Or, if he did, he hadnt used his real name. None of the girls had sent me that link to YouTube, so I could only surmise the body slam was another true story. The only articles that mentioned him were those about the deaths of his friends, the ones whod died from the disease Kat had mentioned. Antiputrefactive Syndrome, it was called. There were no mentions of him on the school webpage. He wasnt part of any clubs, teams or committees.
Nothing on his ex, either. And Id tried every avenue available to find something, anything.
I didnt know Frostys or Bronxs real names, so searching for them was out.
On a whim, I searched my own name, just to see what others could learn about me if they did a little recon for themselves. First thing to pop up? Articles about the accident and the tragic teenage girl whod lost everything.
With far more force than necessary, I shut the computer down. I hated that anyone in the world could read those things and pity me.
Now, needing a distraction from my distraction, I showered, dressed in a tank and cotton shorts and dried my hair. The girl staring at me from the mirror surprised me.
There were bruises under her too-bright blue eyes. Her cheeks were hollowed, though flushed. Her lips were puffed from being chewed so often. She looked fragile. Breakable. Suddenly Coles words about the fairy tale made sense. He hadnt been complimenting me. He thought I was a Cinderella in need of a fairy godmother and couldnt hold my own against Mackenzie. And he might be right. A strong wind might break me in half.
I had to start exercising. I had to start sleeping. Something. My mom would have been horrified to see me like this. My dad wouldnt have noticed unless someone told himhe would have been too drunkbut he would have sat me down at the dinner table and lectured me. If you dont keep your strength up, how can you protect yourself from the monsters? would have been the first words out of his mouth. Emma would have worriedhad worried, in my vision of herand more than anything in the world, I had hated worrying her.
I stalked to my window to close my curtains. No watching the forest tonight, I decided. No jumping at every eerie whistle of wind, every writhing shadow. Id say my prayers and try to sleep. If bad dreams tried to consume me, Id read.
Before I could fit the dark material together, my skin began to tingle and burn, the fine hairs on the back of my neck risingas if someone was watching me. My heart drummed erratically as I peered out, frantically searching.
There was no sign of Bridezilla and the Groom of Doom. No sign of life whatsoever, in fact. Shaking now, I sealed the crack, blocking out the night completely. But I didnt walk away. I stood there for one minute, two, trying to get my body under control.