What are you doing? Morgan asked.
I sighed. Served me right for trying to scan someone as strong as she was.
Feeling your aura, I said, turning on the hot water in the sink. You seem kind of. . tense. Are you okay?
She nodded, not looking at me, and drank the last of her tea. Um, could you leave that till later? she asked, gesturing toward the kitchen mess. I justwant to be with you now. Its our last night, and I want us to spend time together, just us.
Sure, of course, I said, turning off the water. I put my arm around her shoulders and led her from the kitchen.
She leaned against me. Lets go up to your room.
All my senses jumped to full alert. All right, I said, feeling my throat contract. Our chances to be alone and physical were few and far between, and I had been hoping we could take advantage of the opportunity tonight.
We walked upstairs, where Sky had one bedroom and I have the other. As we walked in, I could see all at once how impersonal the room seemed. Even after being in Widows Vale for months, I hadnt spent much time settling in. The room contained my bed, my almost bare desk, and three boxes of books, which remained unpacked. There were no curtains, no rugs, no photographs or knickknacks. It was almost like walking into an abandoned dormitory. I felt a sudden embarrassment at the complete lack of mood.
Morgan left me and walked to the bed, which was still, after months of my living here, just a box spring and a mattress on the floor. She kicked off her clogs, sat down, and leaned back against the pillows. Then she looked at me and smiled. I smiled back.
My nerves jolted awake as desire flared to life. For once we didnt have to worry about Sky coming home; it was a weekend night, so Morgan wouldnt have to leave by nine; we had the rest of the evening together and an empty house with no disruptions. Then we were lying next to each other, and I was kicking off my boots and my hands were reaching around her sides, feeling her curves. The idea that Morgan was lying on my bed went right to my head, and then all thoughts fled as we kissed deeply, our mouths joined, our bodies pressed together. Goddess, she felt good. I have always found her intensely attractive, everything about her: her body, her face, her scent, how she moved against me, the sounds she made as we kissed, tiny whimpers of pleasure. I leaned into her, deepening our kiss.
Hunter, Hunter, she said, pulling her mouth away from mine.
Mmm. I followed her mouth, but her hands pressed against my chest and pushed. I swam toward coherence and looked into her eyes to see her gazing at me seriously. What, love, too much? Please dont say it was too much. What? I asked again.
Hunter, I want us to make love, she whispered, her eyes glancing at my mouth. I love you. Im ready.
My brain struggled to process the words. Had I really heard that, or was this some cruel fantasy? I looked down at her face, her incredible, sculptured face. Was she serious?
I swallowed hard. You want to
Im ready, Hunter, she said, her voice soft but sounding confident. I want to make love with you.
It was as if the entire universe had just dropped literally into my lap. We had come close several times, and I had been keen to since practically the first moment I saw her, but it had never quite worked out.
Are you sure? I felt compelled to ask. Please, please, please.
She nodded, and my heart began to pound. I started taking the Pill.
My eyebrows rose. She was serious; she had thought it out; she was ready. I sent out a huge, silent thank-you to the universe and pressed against her, holding her close.
I really want that, too, I murmured against her hair. Ive been wanting to. I tried to quell the urgent impulse to simply leap on herdont scare her offand instead kissed her gently down the side of her face and neck. She wriggled to give me better access and made little sounds in her throat.
Do you know about conception spells? I asked, stroking her hair away from her face.
Yesbut I couldnt find any, and I couldnt ask Alyce.
When did you start taking the Pill?
This afternoon. I brought condoms, too.
I grinned at her, and after a moment she grinned back. Right. We better do a barrier spell just to be safe, I said, and she nodded, her cheeks flushing a beautiful rose color. Pathetically, it had been a long time since I had needed one, and I had to look it up. In the interests of continuing her education, I explained the basics to Morgan and saw her eyes widen as she grasped the basic image. Let me go do this, and Ill be right back, I said, running the tip of my tongue along the curve of her ear.
Hurry, she said, looking extremely witchy, and I almost raced out of the room and stumbled down the hall to Skys.
When I came back a few minutes later, Morgan was under the covers up to her shoulders. I took in the sight of her skirt, jumper, camisole, and her socks on the floor. Oh, yeah, I thought, yanking my shirt over my head and unsnapping my jeans.
Come here, come here, she said, smiling and holding out her hands, and I almost tripped getting out of my pants. Then I was sliding under the covers, feeling her skin against mine, her knickers against me, and I practically lost my mind. At last, at last, at last. I held her head in my hands and kissed her deeply, again and again until we were both breathing fast and Morgans eyes were glittering, her pupils wide and dark.
This was something I had been dreaming about for months. Her arms were clasped around my back, holding me close, pressing her small, beautifully shaped breasts to my chest. Our legs were tangled together, hers long and smooth.
I love you so much, I whispered, stroking her, caressing her, watching her eyes unfocus as she moved under my hands. I knew she hadnt done this before, and I wanted to make sure this was fabulous for her, that she was comfortable and happy.
I love you, too, she said, her voice sounding tight. She moved against me restlessly, twining closer to me as if she had been doing this all her life. Her hands moved over my skin, over my chest, around my back, stroking my face. . I held my breath as her hand tentatively touched me, and I leaned closer to touch her in the same way. Morgan gave a little gasp and stilled, her eyes locked on mine. I could hardly breatheit was incredibly exciting, incredibly sexy, like falling off a cliff, falling down endlessly and being able to see only Morgans eyes, her soft mouth.
Oh my God, she breathed, moving so I could touch her more.
Yes, I said, lost, leaning in to kiss her neck.
Hunter, she whispered back. Yes.
This is so right, I muttered, kissing her. Youre everything to me.
She made an indistinguishable reply and hooked one leg over my side, curling around me. I never dreamed my last night here would end so perfectly, I thought dimly. Morgans eyes were closed; the only sounds she was making were anxious little mm, mm, mms. Tonight we were going to make love.
I couldnt believe this was actually happening, that Morgan had decided she was ready. What timingthis would be the perfect memory to have when I was far away in. . uh, far away in. . Canada.
Morgan clutched my arm hard and pushed herself against me, and I thought, Yes, this is going to work, this is fantastic. . I will miss this so much when I am. . in Canada. Far away in Canada. Tomorrow. Uh. . I quickly tried to push away those bothersome thoughts. Focus, I ordered myself. Concentrate. You have Morgan close to naked in your bed. Get it together. Youre almost home.
Ill think about this the whole time youre gone, said my loves voice, and I felt her breath against my cheek.
The whole time youre gone. Mmm, I breathed as I felt her tongue tickling my ear. Goddess, this was fun, this was perfect; I was here with Morgan, Morgan, whom I loved and wanted so much. So much for having an early nightI wanted to do this all night long until the sun came up and
Oh, bloody hell. When the sun came up, I would be taking off. I didnt know how long I would be gone. I didnt know what I was going to find. I could find something that would change my life forever. My parents had been on the run from Amyranth for eleven years. I could be heading into serious danger. Or I could be heading into having a family for the first time in eleven years. A family I wouldnt want to leave.
And then where would I be? Away from Morgan. And who would I be? Someone who slept with his girlfriend right before leaving her.
Damnation.
Hunter? She sounded worried, and I looked down and touched her face.
Its nothing, I told myself as much as her. I closed my eyes and kissed her again, feeling how right it was, how incredible. What was I doing? Should I be doing this? Was this a good idea?
It was a fantastic idea, and I pulled her against me more tightly, feeling sweat break out on my forehead. Morgan had thought about this, had decided she was ready, and Goddess knew I was. We were going to do this tonight. How could I possibly stop now?
I couldnt; there was just no way. Tonight was all about Morgan and me. Morgan, who trusted me. Trusted me not to hurt her. Oh, no. No. I pulled my weight back onto my arm. Morgans eyes were wide. Did Iis something wrong?
The insecurity in her voice made me jerk my head down to look at her. No! I said strongly, holding her closer. No, of course not.
Then whats going on? She snuggled closer to me, and once again I had to fight a vicious battle between the top half of my body and the lower half. The top half, which included my barely functioning brain, won, but only by a minuscule margin.
I sighed. MorganIm wondering. . is this the best idea? The words caught in my throat, but I forced them out, feeling like I should be awarded a big medal for valor and chivalry.
Whaaat? she said, drawing back from me. I felt her aura, her vibrations instantly change. They had been incredibly strong, vibrant, involved, excited. Now they were cooling, stilling rapidly as she retreated. No, no, no, I wanted to howl.
Talk fast, Niall. Morgan, I said, still trying to hold her close. ListenI want to make love with you practically more than I want to breathe at this very moment. But is this really the best thing? I mean, Im leaving tomorrow; I dont know when Ill be back; I dont know what Ill find or what will happen to me while Im there. Im saying my future is somewhat up in the air at the moment. It seemsirresponsible for me to make love with you now.
Irresponsible?
I winced at the cool tone in her voice, and she pulled away from me physically and emotionally while I swore to myself in four different languages, including Middle Gaelic, which isnt easy.
Love, this is killing me, I said with complete sincerity. I want this very much. And here you are, giving yourself to me, and its our first time, and its incredible. I absolutely dont want to hurt you. Butwhat if something happens that keeps us apart? I dont want to do this just once and then forget about it. I want our first time to be only the first in a long, long series of us being together.
I dont understand.
Waitstop. She had scooted to the side of the bed, and the sight of her bare, beautiful back, stiff with anger and hurt, pained me almost as much as the athame she had once sent into my neck a long time ago. Please, Morgan, wait. Hear me out. I lunged and grabbed her around the hips, my cheek pressed against her back as she tried unsuccessfully to get up. Im dying to sleep with you! I said. Im mad with wanting you! Theres nothing more that I want than to be in bed, making love, all night long!
Except to be responsible.
Morgan! Just think for a minute. Do you really think that the night before I leave for Goddess knows how long is the best time for us to sleep together for the first time? I mean, if we had been sleeping together for a while, this would be fine. But this is our first time together. It should be perfect. It shouldnt be part of a good-bye.
Her jaw barely moved. In your opinion. Icicles dripping. She took advantage of my momentary appalled shock to leap out of bed. I scrambled after her, wondering where the hell I had thrown my underwear. In seconds she had pulled on her camisole with the lace and was reaching for her sweater and socks.
Morgan, Morgan, I said, looking desperately around the floor. This isnt my decision alone. We need to agree on this. I mean, I hate this. All I want to do is make love with you. But can you try to see where Im coming from, a little bit?
The look she gave me was distant, and my heart dropped down to my bare knees. She shrugged and sat on the bed to pull on her socks. I dont get it. You want to, but you wont. You love me, but you wont sleep with me. I feel like a leper.
I ditched all thoughts of underwear and pulled on my jeans, being careful with the zipper. Morgan, I want you more than Ive ever wanted anyone in my whole life. And Im ecstatic that you feel ready for us to go to bed. Thats what Ive wanted ever since I met you. I knelt down in front of her and looked up into her eyes, her shuttered face. I love you. Im so attracted to you. Please believe me. I mean, you felt it. This has nothing, nothing to do with how much I want you or how sexy you are. Its just about timing.
Timing. She sighed and lifted her long hair away from her neck, then let it fall. I thought of it spread over my sheets, over my pillows, and began to think I was completely mad.
Morgan, I dont want to hurt you. But either option is bad: if I ask you to wait for the next time we can be together, it hurts your feelings and makes you think I dont want you. Which isnt true. But if we go to bed tonight and then something happens and were apart for a long time, would that be better?
She glanced away, seeming for the first time to examine the state of my room. Great. I saw her gaze trace the bare floor, the gutted candles on my desk, the boxes still unpacked. With no warning, an image of Cal Blaires bedroom came to mind. I had seen it when Id been in Selenes house, undoing spells, setting other spells. Cals bedroom had been huge, quirky, and romantic. His bed had been an antique, hung with mosquito netting. Everything in that room had been beautiful, luxurious, interesting, seductive. Feeling bleak, I rested my face on my outstretched arm, wondering if I had just buggered things up in a really huge way.
Morgan, please, I said. When I raised my head, she was examining me calmly, and I damned her ability to rein in her strongest emotions. I covered her hand with one of mine, and she didnt flinch. Please dont be angry with me or hurt. Please dont leave like this. Please lets have tonight be a good thing for both of us. I dont want this to be the moment we both look back on while Im gone.
My words seemed to reach her, and I felt the sharp edges of her anger soften. A tiny bit. Then her face crumpled, and she said, Hunter, youre leaving tomorrow. I want us to be joined together in a real way before you go. Here I am, Im seventeenshe threw out her arm in a disgusted, disbelieving gestureand youre nineteen and can be with anyone you want, and I want you to feel connected to me! Her voice broke and she clenched her fists, looking embarrassed and angry with herself for seeming weak.
Her words completely threw me, and I gaped at her. One of my favorite Tynan Flannery quotes came back to me: Women are impossible, witches are worse, and women who are powerful witches are going to be the death of me.
I reached up and enfolded her in my arms, resting my head against her chest just under her chin. Love, we are joined together in a real way because I love you, and you love me. Were mùirn beatha dàns, I said quietly. You say I can be with anyone I wantwell, you can be with anyone you want, too. I choose to be with you. Who do you choose? I tilted my head back and looked up at her.
I choose you, she muttered ungraciously, and I wanted to laugh but had enough sense left not to.
I feel connected to you, I went on. And it doesnt have anything to do with us having sex. Not that I dont want to have sex! I added hastily. I definitely want to have sex! Make no mistake! The second I come back, Im going to jump you, wherever you are, and initiate you into the sublime joys of womanhood.
She burst into laughter, and I grinned. My mother will be thrilled, she said dryly.
Me too, I promised with intense sincerity, and she laughed again.
We sat there, hugging, for a long time. I hoped that we had somewhat mended our earlier rift, and I again started to question whether or not I should just go for it. Hell, Morgan wanted to, I wanted to, it would make us happy. . for the next couple of hours. What about after that? I was conducting a debate within myself when Morgan gently disengaged from me.
Its late. I better go.
Uh. .
She kissed me, holding my face in her strong hands. Drive carefully tomorrow. Call me when you can. Ill be thinking about you.
Then she stood up and left, her clogs loud on the stairs. I trotted after her, still trying to figure out what I wanted. She turned and gave me a last, wistful smile, and then she was gone. I sat down on the steps, unsure of what had happened between us, unsure if I had done the right thing, unsure about everything.
4. The Journey
February 1992
Today the world seems like a different place than it did yesterday. Ive always loved the winters here, but now the sky seems cold an pitiless. The beauty of our world seems to have dimmed a little. Yesterday Mama and I were calm and sage, secure in our lives and mist especially in our magick. But last night Mama got a witch message from Aunt Celine. A Seeker had come to «investigate» her library, and he found some dark spells she had written-a weather spell and a spell for bending another's will, spells Mama says she never even used. But according to the council-the idiot council, Mama calls them-just writing these spells shows a leaning toward dark magick that can't be tolerated. And Aunt Celine committed what Mama calls the cardinal sin: she argued with the Seeker, tried to make it seem like the spells aren't all that dangerous. Mama says the Seeker couldn't accept another point of views, he thought it was dangerous. And Aunt Celine was stripped of her powers today.
Oh, Goddess, it is such a horrible ceremony, but Mama insisted that we scry to watch it all. She says that I am old enough to see such things, that I have a duty to make myself aware of abuses of power that are committed in our world. Aunt Celine cried and shook, and when she was finally stripped, she looked like a broken bird: no longer able to fly, only half the person that she was before. Mama says that the council is corrupt and stupid, that they dont understand the value of knowledge. I don't know what to believe. I only know that what happened to Celine was terrifying. I can't imagine anything she could have done to deserve such a terrible fate.
J.C.
After Morgan left, I felt sad and wished I could have the whole evening to live over again. When would I ever learn?
I awoke at six in the morning, in the dark and inhospitable dawn. The house seemed empty and too quiet, and once again I missed Skys presence. I hoped she was feeling better in France.
A hot shower revived me, and I finished loading the car, seeing my breath come out in dragon puffs. I decided to have breakfast on the road and set off for the highway. Just before leaving Widows Vale, I pulled over and performed one last spell, sending it out into the world, knowing it would come to fruition about twenty-four hours from now.
Then I headed north, toward Canada and my parents.
A room! I bellowed into the barely functional intercom. Do you have a room!
I rubbed my bleary eyes and waited for the crackly response, hoping they spoke English. For the last sixty miles every sign had been in French. I dont speak Frenchnot well, anyway. I was forty minutes away from Quebec City, had been driving for hours, and was starting to nod with tiredness, though it wasnt much past seven. I needed food, another hot shower, and a bed.
My parents town, Saint Jérôme du Lac, was only about four hours away, and the temptation to press on was strong. But that would involve crafting wake-up spells for myself or drinking a hell of a lot of coffee, and it meant I would get to my parents house after ten oclock at night. A worrying thingI had been unable to reach them by phone or scrying or witch message. I doubted they knew I was coming. If I was going to show up unannounced after eleven years, it should probably be in the daytime.
The intercom crackled back at me, and I took the garbled response to be an affirmative. Twenty minutes later I was tucking into some jambon and oeufs, washing them down with bière, in the tiny restaurant next door. Half an hour after that, I was facedown on the bedspread in my small, cinder-block room, dead out. I didnt wake up till nine the next morning.
On Sunday the first thought I had, after Where the hell am I? was about Morgan. I pictured her slowly coming to recognize the spell Id crafted before I left. I pictured her eyes widening, a smile softening her mouth. It had been hardly more than a day, but I missed her, ached for her, and felt lonely without her.
But today was the day. I was within four hours of seeing my parents, and the thought shook me to my very bones. This was the day I had been waiting for for more than eleven years. My heart sped up in anticipation.
I leaped up, showered, and hit the road by ten. Id bought a road map of Quebec Province back in New York. Now it led me up Highway 40, around Quebec City, then off to a smaller, two-lane highway, number 175, that would take me north to Lac Saint Jean, a big lake. Saint Jérôme du Lac was about forty minutes from there, from what I could tell.
This far north, any signs of approaching spring were wiped out. Trees were still bare and skeletal, patches of crusted snow lay everywhere in shade; no crocuses or snowdrops bloomed anywhere. Springs warm tendrils had not yet touched this country and wouldnt for some weeks, it appeared.
Following my map carefully, I turned off onto Highway 169, still heading north. I knew I had to go about 120 kilometers to reach Saint Jérôme du Lac and, with any luck, could do it in about an hour. Now that I was so close to my parents home, a strange, quivery feeling was beginning in my stomach. My hands felt sweaty on the steering wheel; my pulse quickened; my gaze darted around the scenery surrounding me, attuned to any movement. I was nervous. I hadnt seen my parents in eleven years. What would they be like?
Eleven years ago, I had barely come up to my das breastbone. Now I was probably as tall as he. The last image I had of my father was that he was big, stern, and invincible. He hadnt been scared of anything. Sometimes I had seen a deep sadness in his eyes, and when I had asked about it, hed replied that hed been thinking about the past. I didnt understand it then but now knew that hed probably been thinking about his life before he married Fiona, my mum. Hed been married before, to Selene Belltower, a fact that still stunned me. Hed had another son, a few months older than I, whom hed abandoned. That had been Cal Blaire. Now both Cal and Selene were dead, and people were glad of it. I wondered if Da knew. Probably not.
My mum was Das perfect counterpart: soft, smiling, feminine, with a ready laugh, a sense of mischief that delighted us kids, and an easy, immediate ability to show emotion. It was Mum who explained Das moods, Mum who comforted us, cheered us on, encouraged us, loved us openly. I had been desperate to please both of them, for different reasons. Childishly, as I drove closer to them with every mile, I felt a barrage of different emotionsloss, anger that they had been gone, a quickening sense of anticipation. Would I, when I saw them, be once again able to lean on my da, to rely on his strength? Would I feel that he would protect me still, though I was now grown and come into my full powers? Hell, I was a Seeker for the councilthe youngest ever. Yet I was still a nineteen-year-old kid, and the thought that I could abandon the weight of being a Seeker, even if just for a short while, was very seductive.
They would have changed in the past eleven years, I knew. Of course I knew it. I had changed, too. But we were still family, blood family, still father and mother and son. Somehow we would make those relationships fit us once more. And soon I would contact Alwyn, too, and the four of us could be a true family again.
The small turnoff road to Saint Jérôme du Lac was clearly marked. Suddenly I was bumping down a road that hadnt been retarmacked in what looked like twenty years. Huge potholes caught me off guard, and I bottomed out twice before I wised up, dropped down to about twenty miles an hour, and drove like an old lady.
The farther off the main road I got, the less prosperous the land felt. I went through several tiny, poor-looking towns, each with a petrol station that might or might not function. I also saw a lot of Canadian Indians, who called themselves First Nations people, and signs for First Nations crafts and displays.
I had no idea how far down this road I was supposed to go; after that first sign, I hadnt seen any more indications that I was heading in the right direction. Finally, when it seemed that I had gone impossibly far, I gave up and pulled over to get petrol. After I had filled the tank, I went into the small store attached to the station to pay. The storekeeper had his back to me; he was on a small wooden ladder, stocking packages of sandpaper. I hoped he spoke English.
Excuse me, I said, and, when he turned around, I saw that he must be part Indian.
Yes?
I put in ten dollars of regular petrol, I said, laying the Canadian money on the counter.
Okay. The cash register was beautiful: an old, manually operated one.
A sudden thought struck me, and in desperation I said, Do you by any chance know of any English or Irish people who live around here?
He thought for a moment. You mean the witch? he said, and I gaped at him.
"Uh. .
The only English I know around here is the witch, he said helpfully. He moved here two, three months ago.
Um, all right. My mind was spinning. It was unheard of to be known so casually in a community. Even witches who werent hiding from Amyranth were always very circumspect, very private. We never would have identified ourselves as witches to anyone. Why did this man know? What did that mean? And why did he only mention a he?
Could you tell me where they live? I asked, with a sense of dread. Surely if this man knew about them, knew where they lived, then Amyranth did, too. What would I find when I got there?
Sure. Let me draw you a map.
I watched in a daze as the man quickly sketched a rough map. I thanked him and headed back to my car. I didnt know what to think, so I started the engine and set off. The crude but accurate map led me down back roads that were even more bumpy and ill kept than the access road had been. I wished I had rented an SUV and hated the thought of what my cars undercarriage must look like.
I was hungry, thirsty, and exhausted. I began to wonder if this whole trip had been an unworkable spell. Then I came upon a little wooden shack, the first building Id seen in ten minutes, set back from the road. A battered Ford Escort minus its wheels stood on cinder blocks in the yard. Dead ivy vines clung to it. The yard was a wintry messuntidy, overgrown, littered with trash. It didnt look like anyone lived here. Obviously this wasnt my parents house, though it seemed to be in the correct place on the map. I must have gotten it wrong. No witch would live in a house in this condition, with this kind of general air of neglect and poverty. A glance around the back confirmed my suspicions: Even in Canada, in winter, I should have been able to detect a cleared plot for an herb garden. But there was nothing, no sign of one. I sighed and rubbed my cold hands together.
Finally I decided to at least knock and try to get directions. I climbed up onto the porch, pulling my coat around me. This close, I felt I could detect the presence of a person, though it wasnt strong or clear, which was unusual. I knocked on the rough, unpainted door, wincing as my cold bare knuckles rasped the wood.
Inside, there was a slight shuffling, then silence, and I knocked again. Come on, I thought. I just want directions. With no warning I felt something touch my presence, as if someone had cast their senses to identify me. My eyes widened in surprise, and then the door slowly creaked open, admitting dim light into the dark interior. My eyes instantly adjusted, and I saw that I was standing before Daniel Niall, my father, for the first time in eleven years.