"Thanks for the ride," I said.
It was dark, and leaves were blowing off trees, flitting through the air. One brushed against me, and I flinched.
"You okay?" he asked.
"I think so. Thanks again. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, and got in Das Boot.
I felt like I had lived through my birth mother's story. She had to be the same Maeve Riordan on my birth certificate. She had to be. I tried to remember if I had seen the place of birthif it had been Meshomah Falls or Widow's Vale. I couldn't remember. Did my parents know any of this story? How had they found me? How had I been adopted? The same old questions.
I started my car, feeling anger come over me again. They had the answers, and they were going to tell me. Tonight I couldn't go through another day without knowing.
At home I parked and stormed up the front walk, already forming the words I was going to say, the questions I would ask I pushed through the front door
And found Aunt Eileen and her girlfriend, Paula Steen, sitting on the couch.
"Morgan!" said Aunt Eileen, holding out her arms. "How's my favorite niece?"
I hugged her as Mary K. said, "She said the exact same thing to me."
Aunt Eileen laughed. "You're both my favorite nieces."
I smiled, trying to mentally switch gears. A confrontation with my parents was out for now. And thenit was only then that I realized that Aunt Eileen knew I was adopted. Of course she did. She's my mom's sister. In fact, all of my parents' friends must know. They had always lived here in Widow's Vale, and unless my mom had faked a pregnancy, which I couldn't see her doing, they would all know that I had just turned up out of nowhere. And then two years later she really had had a baby: Mary K. Oh my God, I thought, appalled. I was utterly, utterly humiliated and embarrassed.
"Listen, we brought Chinese food," said Aunt Eileen, standing up.
"It's ready!" Mom called from the dining room. I would have given anything not to have to go in, but there was no way to get out of it. We all swarmed in. White cartons and plastic foam containers filled the center of the table.
"Hi," Mom said to me, scanning my face. "You got back in time."
"Uh-huh," I said, not meeting her gaze. "I was with Robbie."
"Robbie looks amazing lately," said Mary K., helping herself to some orange beef. "Has he been seeing a new dermatologist?"
"Um, I don't know," I said vaguely. "His skin has gotten a lot better."
"Maybe he's just grown out of it," suggested my mom. I couldn't believe she was making polite chitchat. Frustration started to boil in me as I tried to choke down my dinner.
"Can you pass the pork?" my dad asked.
For a while we all ate. If Aunt Eileen and Paula noticed that things were a bit weird, if we were stilted and less talkative, they didn't show it. But even Mary K., as naturally perky as she is, was holding back.
"Oh, Morgan, Janice called," said my dad. I could tell he was striving for a normal tone. "She wants you to call her back. I said you would, after dinner."
"Okay, thanks," I said. I stuffed a big bite of scallion pancake in my mouth so it wouldn't seem weird that I was being so quiet.
After dinner Aunt Eileen stood up and went into the kitchen, returning with a bottle of sparkling cider and a tray of glasses.
"What's ail this?" my mom asked with a surprised smile.
"Well," Aunt Eileen said shyly as Paula got up to stand next to her. "We have some very exciting news." Mary K. and I exchanged glances. "We're moving in together," Eileen announced, her face lull of happiness. She smiled at Paula, and Paula gave her a hug.
"I've already put my apartment on the market, and we're poking for a house," said Paula.
"Oh, awesome," said Mary K., getting up to hug Aunt Eileen and Paula. They beamed. I stood up and hugged them, too, and so did Mom. Dad hugged Eileen and shook Paula's hand.
"Well, this is lovely news," said Mom, although something in her face said that she thought it would be better if they had known each other longer.
Eileen popped the cork on the sparkling cider and poured it. Paula handed glasses around, and Mary K. and I immediately gulped down sips.
"Are you going to buy a house together or rent?" Mom asked.
"We're looking to buy," said Eileen. "We both have apartments now, but I want to get a dog, so we need a yard."
"And I need room for a garden," said Paula.
"A dog and a garden might be mutually exclusive," said my dad, and they laughed. I smiled, too, but it all felt so unreal: as if I were watching someone else's family on television.
"I was hoping you could help us with the house hunting," Eileen said to my mom.
Mom smiled, for the first time since yesterday, I realized. "I was already running through possibilities in my head," she admitted. "Can you come by the office soon, and we can set up some appointments?"
"That would be great," said Eileen. Paula reached over and squeezed her shoulder. They looked at each other as if no one else was in the room.
"Moving is going to be insane," said Paula. "I have stuff scattered everywhere: my mom's, my dad's, my sister's. My apartment was just too small to hold everything."
"Fortunately, I have a niece who's not only strong but has a huge car," Aunt Eileen offered brightly, looking over at me.
I stared at her. I wasn't really her niece, though, was I? Even Eileen had been playing into this whole fantasy that was my life. Even she, my favorite aunt, had been lying and keeping secrets from me for sixteen years.
"Aunt Eileen, do you know why Mom and Dad never told me I was adopted?" I just put it out there, and it was as if I had mentioned I had the bubonic plague.
Everyone stared at me, except Mary K., who was staring at her plate miserably; and Paula, who was watching Aunt Eileen with a concerned expression.
Aunt Eileen looked like she had swallowed a frog. Her eyes wide, she said, "What?" and shot quick glances at my mom and dad.
"I mean, don't you think somebody should have told me? Maybe just mentioned it? You could have said something. Or maybe you just didn't think it was that important," I pressed on. Part of me knew I wasn't being fair. But somehow I couldn't stop myself. "No one else seems to. After all, it's just my life we're talking about."
Mom said, "Morgan," in a defeated tone of voice.
"Uh," said Aunt Eileen, for once at a loss for words.
Everyone was as embarrassed as I was, and the festive air had gone out of dinner.
"Never mind," I said abruptly, standing up. "We can talk about it later. Why not? After sixteen years what's a few days more?"
"Morgan, I always felt your parents should be the ones to tell you," Aunt Eileen said, sounding distressed.
"Yeah, right," I said rudely. "When was that going to happen?"
Mary K. gasped, and I pushed my chair back roughly. I couldn't stand being here one more second. I couldn't take their hypocrisy anymore. I would explode.
This time I remembered to grab my jacket before I ran out to my car and peeled off into the darkness.
CHAPTER 9Healing Light
St. Patrick's Day, 1981
Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I'm so drunk, I can hardly write. Ballynigel just put on a St Paddy's party to end all parties. All the townspeople, everyone, gathered together to have a good time in the village. Human or witch, we all agree on St. Paddy's Day, the wearing of the green.
Pat O'Hearn dyed all his beer green, and it was sloshing into mugs, into pails, into shoes, anything. Old Jowson gave some to his donkey, and that donkey has never been so tame of good-natured! I laughed until I had to hold my sides in.
The Irish Cowboys played their music all afternoon right in the town green, and we danced and pinched each other, and the kids were throwing cabbages and potatoes. We had a good day, and our dark time seems to be well and truly over.
Now I'm home, and I lit three green candles to the Goddess for prosperity and happiness. There's a full moon tonight, so I have to sober up, dress warm, and go gather my luibh. The dock root down at the pond is ready for taking in, and there's early violets, dandelions, and cattails, too, ready. I can't drink any more beer until then, or they'll find me facedown in the marsh, too drunk to pick myself up! What a day!
Bradhadair
As I drove it occurred to me that there was nowhere to go at eight o'clock on a Monday night in Widow's Vale, New York. I pictured myself showing up at Schweikhardt's soda shop, on Main Street, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I pictured myself showing up at Janice's the same way. No, Janice had no idea how complicated my life had gotten. Robbie? I considered for a second but shook my head. I hated going to his house, with his dad drinking beer in front of the TV and his mom ail tight-lipped and angry. And of course Bree didn't even enter into itGod, what a bitch she'd been today.
Cal? I turned and headed toward his neighborhood, feeling desperate and daring, brave and terrified. Was I being presumptuous by going to his house uninvited? There was so much going on in my mind: my birth parents' story, my other parents' refusal to tell me the truth about my past, Breeit was all too much to think about. I felt like I couldn't make any kind of decision about anythingeven about whether it was okay for me to show up at Cal's house unannounced.
By the time I pulled into the long, cobblestone driveway of Cal's big stone house, I felt completely incoherent. What was I doing? I just wanted to drive off into the night forever, far away from everyone I knew. Be a different person. I couldn't believe this was my life.
I cut the lights and the engine and hunched over my steering wheel, literally, frozen with uncertainty. I couldn't even start the car again to get out of there.
Who knows how long I huddled in the darkness outside Cal's home. I finally looked up when strong headlights flooded the interior of my car, reflecting off my rearview mirror and shining into my eyes. An expensive-looking SUV pulled around my car and parked neatly, close to the house. Its door opened, and a tall, slender woman stepped out her hair barely visible in the darkness. The house's outdoor floodlights came on, bathing the driveway in warm yellow light. The woman walked to my car.
Feeling like an idiot, I rolled down my window as Selene Belltower approached. For long moments she gazed at my face, as if evaluating me. We neither smiled nor spoke to each other.
Finally she said, "Why don't you come inside, Morgan? You must be chilled through. I'll make some cocoa." As if it was normal to find a girl in a car sitting in the dark outside her house.
I got out of Das Boot and slammed the door. We walked up the broad stone steps together, Cal's mom and I, and through the massive wooden front door. She led me across the foyer, down a hall, into a huge French country-style kitchen I hadn't seen on my other visit here.
"Sit down, Morgan," she said, gesturing to a ail stool by the kitchen island.
I sat, hoping Cal was here. I hadn't seen his car outside, but maybe it was in the garage.
I cast my senses out, but I couldn't feel his presence close by. Selene Belltower's head snapped up as she poured milk into a pan. Her brows came together, and she looked at me assessingly.
"You're very strong," she commented. "I didn't learn how to cast my senses until I was in my twenties. Cal isn't here, by the way."
"I'm sorry," I said awkwardly. "I should go. I don't want to bother you."
"You're not bothering me," she said. She spooned some cocoa powder into the milk and whisked it smooth on the cooktop across from me. "I've been curious. Cal has told me some very interesting things about you."
Cal talked to his mother about me?
She laughed, a warm, earthy laugh, when she saw the expression on my face. "Cal and I are pretty close," she said. "For a long time it's been just the two of us. His father left us when Cal was about four."
"I'm sorry," I said again. She was speaking to me as if I were an adult, and for some reason this made me feel younger than sixteen.
Selene Belltower shrugged "I was sorry, too. Cal missed his father very much, but he lives in Europe now, and they don't see each other often. At any rateyou shouldn't be startled that my son confides in me. It would be silly for him to try to hide anything, after all."
I breathed in, trying to relax. So this was life in a blood-witch household. No secrets.
Cal's mother poured the cocoa into two brightly colored hand-painted mugs and handed one to me. It was too hot to drink, so I set it down and waited. Selene waved her hand over her mug twice, then took a sip.
"Try this," she suggested, looking up at me. "Take your left hand and circle it widdershins over your mug. Say "Cool the fire."" I did, wondering. I felt warmth go into my left hand. "Try the cocoa now," she said, watching me. I took a sip. It was noticeably cooler, perfect to drink. I grinned, delighted.
"Left hand takes away," she explained. "Right hand gives. Deasil for increasing, widdershins for decreasing. And simple words are best."
I nodded and drank my cocoa. This one small thing was so fascinating to me. The idea that I could speak words, make movements that cooled a hot drink to the right temperature!
Selene smiled, and then her eyes focused on mine sympathetically. "You look like you've had a rough time."
This was an understatement, but I nodded. "Has Cal told you about anything?"
She put her mug down. "He's told me you recently found out you were adopted," she said. "That your biological parents must be blood witches. And this afternoon he told me you thought you were probably the daughter of two Irish witches who died here sixteen years ago."
I nodded again. "Not exactly hereMeshomah Falls. About two hours away. I think my mothers name was Maeve Riordan."
Selene's race became grave. "I've heard that story," she said. "I remember when it happened. I was forty years old; Cal wasn't quite two. I remember thinking that such a thing could never happen to me, my husband, our child." Her long fingers played with the rim of her mug. "I know better now." She looked up at me again. "I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It's always somewhat difficult to be different, even if you have a lot of support. One is still set apart. But I know you must be having an especially hard time."
My throat felt like it was closing again, and I drank my cocoa. I didn't trust myself to agree. I distracted myself with pointless details: If she had been forty sixteen years ago, she would be about fifty-six now. She looked like she was about thirty-five.
"If you want," said Selene, sounding hesitant, "I can help you feel better."
"What do you mean?" I asked. For a wild moment I wondered, Is she offering me drugs?
"Well, I'm picking up waves of upset, discord, unhappiness, anger," she said. "We could make a small, two-person circle and try to get you to a better place."
I caught my breath. I had only ever made a circle with Cal and our coven. What would it be like with someone who was even more powerful than he was? I found myself saying, "Yes, please, if you don't mind."
Selene smiled, looking very much like Cal. "Come on, then."
The house was shaped like a U, with a middle part and two wings. She led me to the back of the left wing, through a very large room that I figured she must use for her coven's circles. She opened a door that set into the wall paneling, so you could barely see it. I felt a thrill of pure, childlike delight Secret doors!
We stepped into a much smaller, cozier room furnished only with a narrow table, some bookshelves, and candelabras on the walls. Selene lit the candles.
"This is my private sanctuary," she said, brushing her fingers over the doorjamb. For a fleeting moment I saw sigils glimmering there. They must be for privacy or protection. But I had no idea how to read them. There was so much I needed to learn. I was a complete novice.
Selene had already drawn a small circle on the wooden floor, using a reddish powder that gave off a strong, spicy scent. She motioned me into the circle with her and then closed it behind us.
"Let's sit down," she said. With us facing each other, sitting cross-legged on the floor, there was very little room inside the circle.
We each sprinkled salt around our half of the circle, saying, "With this salt, I purify my circle."
Then Selene closed her eyes and let her head droop, her hands on her knees as if doing yoga. "With every breath out, release a negative emotion. With every breath in, take in white light, healing light, soothing and calming light. Feel it enter your fingers, your toes, settle in your stomach, reach up through the crown of your head."
As she spoke her voice became slower, deeper, more mesmerizing. My eyes were closed, my chin practically resting on my chest. I breathed out forcing air completely out of my lungs. Then I breathed in, listening to her soothing words.
"I release tension," she murmured, and I repeated it after her without hesitation.
"I release fear and anger," she said, her words floating to me on a sea of calm. I repeated it and literally felt the knots in my stomach begin to uncoil, the tightness in my arms and calves unravel.
"I release uncertainty," she said, and I followed her.
We breathed deeply, silently for several minutes. My headache dissolved, my temples ceased throbbing, my chest expanded, and I could breath more easily.
"I feel calm," Selene said.
"Me too," I agreed dreamily. I sensed rather than saw her smile.
"No, say it," she prompted, humor in her voice.
"Oh. I feel calm," I said.
"Open your eyes. Make this symbol with your right hand," she prompted, drawing in the air with two fingers.
I watched her, then carefully drew in the air one straight line down, then a small triangle attached to the top, like a little flag.
"I feel at peace," she said, drawing the same rune on my forehead.
"I feel at peace," I said, feeling her finger trace heat on my skin. The memory of what had happened to my birth parents receded into the distance. I was aware of it, but it had less power to hurt me.
"I am love. I am peace. I am strength."
I said the words, feeling a delicious warmth flow over me.
"I call on the strength of the Goddess and the God. I call on the power of the Earth Mother," said Selene, tracing another rune onto my forehead. This one felt like half of a lopsided rectangle, and as it sank into my skin I thought, Strength.
Selene and I were joined. I could feel her strength inside my head, feel her smoothing every wrinkle in my emotions, searching out every knot of fear, every snarl of anger. She probed deeper and deeper, and languidly I let her. She soothed away the pain until I was almost in a trance.
Ages later, I seemed to come awake again. Unbidden, I opened my eyes in time to see her raising her head and opening hers. I felt a little groggy and so much better, I couldn't help smiling. She smiled back.
"All right now?" she said softly.
"Oh, yes," I said, unable to put my feelings into words.
"Here's one more for you," she said, and she traced two triangles, touching, onto the backs of my hands. "That's for new beginnings."
"Thank you," I said, awed by her power. "I feel much better."
"Good." We stood, and she dissolved the circle and blew out the candles mounted around the small room. As we passed through the larger coven's room I saw a reflection of Selene's face in a huge, gilt-frame wall mirror. She was smiling. Her face was bright, almost triumphant as she led the way back to the foyer. Then the image was gone, and I thought I must have imagined it.
At the front door she patted my arm, and I thanked her again. Then I practically floated to my car, not feeling the slightest bit of November wind, November chill. I felt absolutely perfect all the way home. I didn't even wonder where Cal had been.
CHAPTER 10Split
August 14, 1981
The coven over at Much Bencham has three new students, they tell us. We have none. Tara and Cliff were the last to join Belwicket as students, and that was three years ago. Until Lizzie Sims turns fourteen in four years, we have no one. Of course, at Much Bencham they take almost anyone who wants to study.
I say we should do the sameif we could even convince anyone to join us. Belwicket chose its own path a long time ago, and it is not for everyone. But we must expand. If we stick to only blood-born, clan-born witches, we will surly die out. We must seem out others of our kind, mingle clans. But Ma and the elders have shot me down time and again. They want us to remain pure. They refuse to let outsiders in.
Maybe some in Belwicket would rather die.
Bradhadair
When I got home that night, my parents' light was already out, and if my car's rumbling engine woke them up, they didn't show it. Mary K. had waited up for me, listening to music in her room. She looked up and took off her headphones when I poked my head in.
"Hi," I said, feeling a deep love for her. After all, she'd always been my sister, if not by blood, then by circumstance. I regretted hurting her.
"Where did you go?" she asked.
"To Cal's. He wasn't there, but I talked to his mom."
Mary K. paused. "It was awful after you left, I thought Mom was going to burst into tears. Everyone was really embarrassed."
"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "It's just that I can't believe Mom and Dad kept this to themselves my whole life. They lied to me." I shook my head. "Tonight I realized that Aunt Eileen, and our other relatives, and Mom and Dad's friends all know I'm adopted. I just felt so stupid for not knowing myself. I was just furious that they never told me when all these other people know."
"Yeah, I hadn't thought of that," said Mary K., frowning slightly. "But you're right. They would all know." She looked at me." I didn't know. You believe that, don't you?"
I nodded. "There's no way you'd be able to keep a secret like that." I smiled as Mary K. aimed her pillow at me.
The blanket of peace, forgiveness, and love that Selene Belltower had wrapped around over me was still cocooning me in its comfortable embrace. "Look, it's going to be pretty awful for a while. Mom and Dad have to tell me about my past and how I was adopted. I can't stop till I know. But it doesn't mean I don't love you or them. We'll get through it somehow," I said.
Uncertainty played across Mary K.'s pretty face. "Okay," she said, accepting my word.
"I'm happy about Aunt Eileen and Paula." I said, changing the subject.
"Me too. I didn't want Aunt Eileen to be alone anymore," said Mary K. "Do you think they'll have kids?"
I laughed. "First things first. They need to live together for a while."
"Yeah. Oh, well. I'm tired." Mary K. took off her headphones and dropped them on the floor.
"Here, let me do this." Reaching over, I gently traced the rune for comfort on her forehead, the way Selene had showed me. I felt the warmth leave my fingertips and stood back to see Mary K. looking at me unhappily.
"Please don't do that to me," she whispered. "I don't want to be part of it."
Stung, I blinked, then nodded. "Yeah, sure," I mumbled. I turned and fled to my own room, feeling dismayed. Something that had given me joy was only upsetting to my sister. It was a pear sign of the differences between us, the growing space that pushed her in one direction and me in another.
That night I slept deeply, without dreams, and woke up feeling wonderful I put my hands together as if I could still see the sigil traced there: daeg. A new dawn. An awakening.
"Morgan?" Mary K. called from the hallway. "Come on. School."
I was already shoving my feet into my slippers. No doubt I was running late, as usual. I rushed through my shower, threw on some clothes, and pounded downstairs, my wet hair practically strangling me. In the kitchen I grabbed a breakfast bar, ready to dash out the door. Mary K. looked up calmly from her orange juice.
"No hurry," she said. "I got you up early for once. I've been late twice in the last month."
Mouth open, I looked at the clock. School didn't start for almost forty-five minutes! I sank into a chair and waved incoherently at the fridge.
Taking pity on me, my sister reached in and handed me a Diet Coke, I gulped it down, then stomped back upstairs to untangle my hair.
Somehow, we were late anyway. At school I parallel parked my car with practiced efficiency. Then I spotted Bakker coming toward the car to meet Mary K. My mood soured.
"Look, there he is," I said. "Lying in wait like a spider."
Mary K. punched my leg. "Stop it," she said. "I thought you liked him."
"He's okay," I said. I've got to chill, I thought. I'd be so peeved if anyone tried to pull the big-sister routine on me. But I couldn't help asking, "Does he know you're only fourteen?"
Mary K. rolled her eyes. "No, he thinks I'm a junior," she said sarcastically. "Don't let the cat out of the bag." She got out of the car. As she and Bakker kissed, I slammed my car door shut and hitched my backpack onto my shoulder. Then I headed toward the east door.
"Oh, Morgan, wait!" someone called. I turned and spotted Janice Yutoh, her hair bouncing as she hurried toward me. WhoopsI'd totally forgotten to return her call the night before.
"Sorry I spaced on calling you," I said as she caught up to me.
She waved a hand in the air. "No biggie. I just wanted to say hi," she said, panting slightly. "I haven't seen you at all lately, except in class."
"I know," I said apologetically. "A lot of stuff's been going on." This was such a lame representation of the truth that I almost laughed. "My aunt Eileen is moving in with her girlfriend," I said, thinking of one bright spot.
"That's great! Tell her I'm happy for her," said Janice.
"Will do," I said. "What'd you get on Fishman's essay test?"
"I somehow pulled an A out of my hat," she said as we walked toward the main building.
"Cool. I got a B-plus. I hate essay tests. Too many words," I complained. Janice laughed. Then we saw Tamara and Ben Reggio heading into the main door just as the bell rang.
"Gotta catch Ben," said Janice, moving off. "He's got my Latin notes."
"See you in class." I went in through the east door, where the coven had started to meet in the mornings, but the cement benches were empty. Cal must have gone inside already. My disappointment at not seeing him was almost equaled by my relief at not having to face Bree.
By lunchtime it was drizzling outside, with sullen rivulets tracing lines on the windows. I filed into the lunchroom, for once grateful for its warm, steamy atmosphere. By the time I collected a tray and looked around, most of the coven was sitting at a table closest to the windows. Raven and Bree weren't there, I saw with a lift of relief. Neither was Beth Nielson, I made my way over and sat down next to Cal. When he smiled, it was like the sun coming out.
"Hi," he said, making space for me on the table. "Did you get here late this morning?"
I nodded, opening my soda. "Just as the bell rang."
"Can I have a fry?" he asked, taking one without waiting for my answer. I felt a warm glow at his easy familiarity.
"Mom told me you dropped by last night," he said. "I'm sorry I missed you." He squeezed my knee under the table. "You okay?" he asked softly.
"Yeah, your mom was really nice. She showed me some rune magick," I said, dropping my voice.
"Cool," Jenna said, leaning over the table. "Like what?"
"A few different runes for different things," I said. "Like runes for happiness, starting over, peace and carton."
"Did they work?" asked Ethan.
"Yes!" I said, laughing. As if a spell by Selene Belltower wouldn't work. "It would be great if we could start learning about runes, everything about them."
Cal nodded. "Runes are really powerful," he said. "They've been used for thousands of years. I have some books on them if you want to borrow them."
"I'd like to read them, too," said Sharon, stirring her straw around in her milk carton.
"Here's a rune for you guys," said Cal. He cleared a space in the center of the table and traced an image with his finger. It looked like two parallel lines with two other lines crossed between them, joining them. He drew it several times until we could all picture it.
"What does that mean?" asked Matt.
"Basically it means interdependence," Cal explained. "Community. Feeling goodwill toward your kinsmen and kinswomen. It's how we all feel about each other, our circle. Cirrus."