We all looked at each other for a minute, letting this sink in. "God, there's so much to learn," said Sharon. "I feel like I'll never be able to put it all togetherherbs, spells, runes, potions."
"Can I talk to you?" Beth Nielson had walked up and now stood in front of Cal, a multicolored crocheted cap covering her short hair.
"Sure," said Cal. He looked more closely at her. She was frowning. "Do you want to go somewhere private?"
"No." Beth shook her head, not looking at him. "It doesn't matter. They can hear it."
"What's wrong, Beth?" Cal asked quietly. Somehow we all heard him, even over the din of the lunchroom.
Beth shrugged and looked away. Glittery aqua eye shadow glowed above her eyes and contrasted sharply with her coffee-colored skin. She sniffed, as if she had a cold.
Across the table I looked at Jenna. She raised her eyebrows at me.
"It's justthe whole thing doesn't feel right to me," Beth said. "I thought it would be cool, you know? But its all too weird. Doing circles. Morgan making flowers bloom," she said, gesturing to me. "It's too strange." She raised her shoulders beneath her brown leather jacket and let them tall. "I don't want anything more to do with it. I don't like it. It feels wrong." Her nose ring twinkled under the fluorescent lights.
"That's too bad," said Cal. "Wicca isn't intended to make anyone uncomfortable. It's meant to make you celebrate the beauty and power of the earth."
Beth gave him a blank look, as if to say, Come on.
"So you want to quit the coven. Are you sure about this?" Cal asked. "Maybe you just need more time to get used to it."
Beth shook her head. "No. I don't want to do it anymore."
"Well, if Wicca isn't for you, then that's your choice. Thanks for being honest," Cal said.
"Uh-huh," said Beth, shifting her weight from one Doc Marten to the other.
"Beth, one thing," Cal said. "Please respect our privacy." There was a serious note in his voice that made Beth look up.
"You've come to our circles; you've felt magick's power," Cal went on. "Keep those experiences to yourself, okay? They're no one's business but ours."
"Yeah, okay," Beth said, looking at Cal.
"Well," Cal said. "It's your decision to go. But just remember that the circle won't be open to you again if you change your mind. Sorry, but that's how it works."
"I'm not changing my mind," said Beth. She moved off without looking back.
For a few moments we all looked around at each other.
"What was that about?" I asked.
Jenna coughed. "Yeah, that was pretty weird."
"Don't know," said Cal. A shadow crossed his face. Then he seemed to shrug it off. "But like I said, Wicca isn't for everyone." He leaned forward. "I thought at our next circle. I could show you guys some more runes and maybe a small spell."
"All right," Ethan said. "Cool." He leaned across to Sharon. "Are you gonna eat that brownie?"
She made a pained face, but I could tell she was kidding. "Yes."
"Halfies?" he asked. Ethan, former pothead, now merely scruffy underdog, grinned coyly at Sharon. It was like watching a street mongrel trying to flirt with a well-groomed poodle.
"I'll give you a tiny bite," Sharon said, breaking off a piece. Her cheeks were slightly pink.
Ethan grinned more broadly and popped the brownie morsel into his mouth.
Around us hundreds of students filed to and from tables, eating, talking to each other, busing their trays. We a small, private microcosm of the school. To me it felt like we were the only ones talking about things that really matteredthings that were far more important and interesting than the latest pep squad rally or prom theme contest. I couldn't wait to be finished with high school, to move on with the rest of my life. I saw myself devoted to Wicca, still with Cal, living a life full of meaning and joy and magick.
Robbie's elbow knocking into me jolted me out of my daydream.
"Sorry," he said, rubbing his temples. "Do you have any Tylenol?"
"Nope, sorry. Your doctor's appointment is today, right?" I asked him, then took a bite of hamburger.
"Yeah."
"Here, take this." Jenna rummaged in her purse and took out two tablets.
Robbie squinted at them, then tossed them down with the rest of his soda. "What was that?"
"Cyanide," said Sharon, and we laughed.
"Actually, it was Midol," Jenna said, turning away to give another cough. I wondered if she was getting sick.
Matt whooped with laughter as Robbie gaped at her in dismay.
"It'll really help," Jenna insisted. "It's what I take for my headaches."
"Oh, man." Robbie shook his head. I was almost doubled over with laughter.
"Look at it this way," said Cal brightly. "You won't get that awful bloated feeling."
"You'll feel pretty all day," suggested Matt, laughing so hard, he had to wipe his eyes.
"Oh, man," said Robbie again as we cackled.
"Well, this is nice," came Raven's snide voice. "Everyone all happy and laughing together. Cozy, huh, Bree?"
"Very cozy," said Bree.
I stopped laughing and looked up at them, standing by our lunch table. People streamed by in back of them, making Bree edge closer to me. I still felt profoundly relaxed, thanks to Selene, and as I gazed at my former best friend, I couldn't help missing her powerfully. She was so familiar to meI had known her before she was beautiful, when she was just a pretty little girl. She'd never gone through an awful awkward stage, like most kids, but when she was twelve, she'd had braces and a bad haircut. I had known her before she liked boys, while her mother and brother still lived at home. So much had changed.
"Hi, Raven, Bree," Cal said, still smiling. "Grab some chairswe'll make room."
Raven took out one of her foul-smelling Gauloises and tapped it against her wrist. "No, thanks. Did Beth tell you she was ditching the coven?" she asked, her voice seeming harsh and unfriendly. I glanced at Bree, who was keeping her eyes on Raven.
"Yes, she did," Cal replied, shrugging. "Why?"
Raven and Bree looked at each other. A month ago, Bree and I were making fun of Raven together. Now they acted like best friends. I tried hard to hold on to my feelings of calm and peace.
Bree gave Raven a tiny nod, and Raven's lips thinned in what could pass for a smile.
"We're leaving, too," she announced. I know my surprise showed on my face, and when I quickly surveyed the table, there was no mistaking that it was shared. Next to me Cal was suddenly alert, frowning as he looked at them.
"No," said Robbie. "Come on."
"Why?" Jenna asked. "I thought you were both so into it."
"We are into it," Raven said pointedly. "We're just not into you." She tapped her cigarette harder, and I could practically feel how much she wanted to light it up.
"We've joined a different coven," Bret announced. The expression on her face made me think of a kid I had baby-sat once. He had once thrown a live lizard onto the dining-room table, during a meal, just to see what would happen.
"A different coven!" exclaimed Sharon. She twitched her short suede skirt down, bracelets jangling. "What different coven?"
"A different one," said Raven in a bored tone. She raised one shoulder and let it drop.
"Bree, don't be stupid," said Robbie, and his words seemed to hurt her.
"We've started our own group," Bree told Robbie, and Raven glanced at her sharply. I wondered if Bree had been supposed to keep that secret.
"Started your own?" Cal said, rubbing his chin. "What is wrong with Cirrus?"
"To tell you the truth, Cal," Bree said coldly, "I don't want to be in a coven with backstabbers and betrayers. I need to be able to trust the people I do magick with."
This was aimed at me, and possibly at Cal, and I felt heat rise in my cheeks.
Cal raised his eyebrows. "Yes, trust is really important," he said slowly. "I agree with you there. Are you sure you can trust the people in your new coven?"
"Yes," said Raven, a bit too loudly. "It's not like you're the only witch in town, you know."
"No, no, I'm not," Cal agreed. I heard a hint of annoyance in his voice. He put his arm around my shoulders. "For example, there's Morgan here. Does your new coven have any blood witches?"
All eyes turned to me.
"Blood witch?" asked Bree, derision in her voice.
"You said that on Samhain," remembered Raven. "You were just yanking our chains."
"I wasn't," Cal said. I swallowed and looked down, hoping this conversation would stop before people followed it to its logical conclusion.
"If she's a blood witch," Bree all but snarled, "then so are her parents, right? Isn't that what you told us? I mean, am I supposed to believe that Sean and Mary Grace Rowlands are blood witches?"
Cal went silent, as if he just at that moment realized what this could lead to. "Whatever," he said, and I leaned against him, knowing he was trying to protect me.
"Anyway," said Cal. "Let's not get off the subject. So you really want out of the coven?"
"Out and about, baby," said Raven, putting her unlit cigarette in her mouth.
"Bree, think about what you're doing," Robbie urged her, and I was glad he was trying to talk her out of it since I couldn't.
"I have thought," said Bree. "I want out."
"Well, be careful," said Cal, standing up. I stood up, too, grabbing my purse and my lunch tray. "Remember, most witches are good, but not all of them. Make sure you haven't left the frying pan for the fire."
Raven gave a short bark of a laugh. "How pithy. Thanks for the advice."
Cal gave them a last considering look, then nodded at me. We walked away from the group. I dumped my tray at the bus bin, and we left the lunchroom, heading for the main building.
Cal walked with me to my locker. I spun the combination and opened the door while he waited.
"If they make a new coven, will it affect us somehow?" I asked, my voice low.
Cal brushed back his dark hair and shrugged. "I don't think so," he said. "It's just" He pinched his lip with two fingers, thinking.
"What?"
"Well, I wonder who they're working with," he said. "They're obviously not doing this by themselves. I hope they're being careful. Not every witch is benign."
I felt tension weave its way into my short-held peace and looked at Cal. He kissed me, warmth in his golden eyes.
"See you later." A flashing grin, and he was gone.
CHAPTER 11Connected
January 3, 1982
Old Jowson lost three sheep last night. This is after all the ward-evil spells we've been doing for the past month. Now most of his flock if gone, and he's not the only one. He said today in the Eagle and Hare that he's wiped outdoesn't have enough ewes left to start over. There's nothing for him to do except sell out.
I feel like all I do is go around doing warding spells. We're all paranoid and living under a dark shadow. For the past week I've been spelling Ma's leg after she broke it, bicycling to the village. But even with my spells she says it's hurting and not healing properly.
I want to get out of here. Being a witch is doing no one good nowadays and is doing a bushel of harm. It's like a film is over us, lessening our powers. I don't know what to do. Angus doesn't, either. He's worried, too, but he tries not to show it.
Damnation! I thought the evil was behind us! Now it looks like it was only sleeping amond us, in our beds. Winter has awoken it.
Bradhadair
On Wednesday morning, when I was toasting two Pop Tarts for breakfast, I heard footsteps overhead.
"Mary K.!" I said. "Who's upstairs?"
Mary K. blinked. "Mom," she said, turning back to the comics. "She's staying home sick today."
I looked at the top of my sister's head. Mom never stayed home from work. She had been known to show houses in a snowstorm when she had the flu.
"What's wrong with her?" I asked. "She was fine last night, wasn't she?" She and my dad had had dinner out alone, something they almost never did. I had figured they were avoiding me, and I had waited up for them, but at eleven-thirty I had given up and gone to bed.
"I don't know. Maybe she just wanted a day off."
"Huh." Maybe this was my chance: I could go upstairs right now and get her to answer all my questions.
On the other hand, I would be late for school. And Cal was at school. Besides, if she wanted to tell me anything, she'd have told me by now. Right?
I sighed. Or maybe the truth was, now that the chance was staring me in the face, as it were, I was afraid to seize it. Scared of what I might learn.
My Pop-Tarts leaped energetically out of the toaster and broke on the kitchen counter. I gathered up the pieces in a paper towel and gave my sister a gentle kick.
"Let's go," I said. "Education awaits us." Mom would be home when I got out of school. I could talk to her then.
Mary K. nodded and got into her coat.
As it turned out, my big confrontation didn't work out the way I'd planned. When I got home from school, I'd worked myself up for a real scene. I went up to Mom's room, threw open the door and found her sound asleep. Her red hair lay across her pillow, and once again I noticed the silver strands in it. Was it my imagination, or were there more of them than even a couple of days before?
She looked so tired. I didn't have the heart to wake her.
I crept out like a mouse. Then Tamara called and asked if I could come over and study with her for a calc test. So I went. Anything to get out of the house.
I had dinner at Tamara's, and when I got home, Mom and Dad had both gone to bed.
I went into the study and switched on the computer. I wanted to go to one of the on-line Wicca sites and see if I could find out the meaning of the runes on Selene Belltower's door frame. I could still picture at least five of them in my mind. I also wanted to look up Maeve Riordan's family tree again. Maybe there was some link I hadn't noticed or some other information I'd missed.
While the computer booted up, I sat there, biting my thumbnail and thinking. Part of me was getting more and more wound up, the longer my parents avoided answering my questions. But I also had to admit that part of me was almost happy about these delays. I was honestly afraid of how painful and ugly the whole scene might be.
I logged on and entered in the html address that I remembered from before. But instead of Maeve's family tree a message popped onto the screen:
The page cannot be displayed. The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings.
I frowned. Had I entered the address wrong? I typed in Maeve Riordan and ran a search. Twenty-six matches popped up.
Last time there had been twenty-seven.
I scrolled rapidly down the list. No html. Was the genealogy site gone?
I tried running a search for Ballynigel. That took me to a map site and opened a window with a map of Ireland. Ballynigel was a dot on the west coast. I couldn't zoom in on it.
I typed in Belwicket and clicked the search button. I got no hits.
I slapped the keyboard in frustration. The site was gone. Just gone. As if it had never been there.
I told myself not to get too worked up. Maybe it was being upgraded or updated or something. If I just tried it again in a couple of days, it might well be back.
Closing my eyes for a moment I tipped back my head and breathed deeply. Then, feeling calmer, I entered a Web address I'd gotten from Ethanan address for a site about rune magick.
In a moment the home page opened, and mysterious symbols glowed before my eyes. I leaned closer, my worries fading to the back of my mind as I began to read.
It was nearly an hour later when I finally logged off and shut down the computer. When I closed my eyes, runes still danced across the insides of my lids. I'd learned a lot tonight.
I picked up a pen and traced my new favorite rune on a scrap of paper that sat by the keyboard. Ken: It looked like a V turned on its side. It stood for fire, including inspiration and passion of spirit. It was so simple, yet so strong.
Underneath it I traced my other new favorite rune, Ur, strength.
I sighed. I needed a lot of that right now.
On Thursday afternoon I was startled when Mom came into the family room. I was watching Oprah and doing my American history homework.
"Hi, Morgan," she said, sounding tentative. Her hair was brushed and held back from her face by two combs. She wore no makeup, but she had on a sweat suit embroidered with leaves. "Where's Mary K.?"
"I dropped her at Jaycee's," I said.
"Oh, all right," Mom wandered over to the far wall and picked up a clay pot that I'd made in third grade, then set it back down on its shelf. "Hey, how come I haven't seen Bree round this week?"
I swallowed hard, replaying the scene yesterday in die cafeteria, when Bree and Raven had announced they were starting their own coven. I didn't think Bree would be spending a whole lot of time with me anymore.
But I didn't have the strength to get into it with Mom right now. So I just said, "I guess she's been pretty busy."
"Mmmm." To my surprise, Mom let it go at that. She prowled around the room some more, picking things up and putting them down. Then she said abruptly, "Mary K. says you have a boyfriend."
"Huh? Oh, yeah," I said in surprise, realizing she wasn't up on the whole Cal thing. Of course. How could she have been? Cal and my discovery about my birth happened at almost the same time.
"His name is Cal Blaire," I explained, feeling awkward. First of all, we'd never talked about boys before. There had never been anything to discuss. Second, why was I obligated to tell her anything? She obviously had no problem keeping secrets from me.
But still, I'd had sixteen years of thinking of her as my mom. That habit was hard to break. "He and his mom moved here in September," I added.
Mom leaned against the doorjamb. "What does he think of witchcraft?"
I blinked and flicked off the TV. "Um, he likes it," I said stiffly.
Mom nodded.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that I was adopted?" I said, the words rushing out now that I had my chance.
I saw her swallow as she searched for an answer. "There were some very good reasons at the time," she said finally. The silence of the house seemed to underscore her words.
"Everyone says you're supposed to be open about it," I said. Already I could feel my throat getting tight, and suddenly my nerves felt like thorns.
"I know," Mom said quietly. "I know you wantneedsome answers."
"I deserve some answers!" I said, raising my voice. "You and Dad lied to me for sixteen years! You lied to Mary K! And everyone else knew the truth!"
She shook her head, an odd look on her face. "No one knows the whole truth," she said. "Not even your father and me."
"What does that mean?" I crossed my arms over my chest I tried to hold on to my anger so I wouldn't cry.
"Your dad and I have been talking," she said. "We know you want to know. And we're going to tell you. Soon."
"When?" I snapped
Mom gave an odd smile, as if at a private joke. She was being so calm and yet looked so fragile that it was hard for me to stay angry. There was nothing here to fight against, and that pissed me off even more.
"It's been sixteen years," she said gently. "Give us a few more days. I need time to think."
I stared at her in disbelief, but with that same odd smile she brushed her hand lightly against my cheek, then left the room.
For some reason, the memory of my sneaking into my parents' bed at night, when I was little, came into my mind. I used to worm my way in between them and go right to sleep. Nothing had ever felt so secure or so safe. Now it seemed strange. My childhood memories were being revised every day.
The phone rang, and I seized it like a lifeline. I knew it was Cal.
"Hi," said Cal, before I could speak, and a warm sense of comfort passed over me. "I miss you. Can I come over?"
I went from utter despair to pure joy in one second. "Actually, could I come over there?" I asked.
"You don't mind?"
"Oh, God, no. I'll be right there, okay?"
"Great," he said.
I flew from the house, rushing toward happiness.
Cal met me at the front door of his house. It was already almost dark, and the air felt heavy and damp, as if it might snow early this year.
"I can only stay a little while," I said, my breath puffing slightly.
"Thanks for coming," he said, leading me inside. "I could have come to your house."
I shook my head, taking off my coat. "You have more privacy here," I said. "Is your mom home?"
"No," said Cal as we started up the stairs to his room. "She's at the hospital with someone from her coven. I have to go over later and help her." It occurred to me that the two of us were alone in his house. A little shiver of anticipation went through me.
"I forgot to ask Robbie today," Cal said, opening the attic door to his room. "Is he getting new glasses?"
"I don't know. They're going to do more tests." I rubbed my arms as we walked into Cal's room, even though it was toasty warm. I felt comfortable here, with Cal. The rest of my life might be in turmoil, but here I knew I had power. And I knew Cal understood. It gave me a wonderful feeling of relief.
Looking around Cal's room, I remembered the night we had done a circle here and I had seen everyone's auras. It had been so seductive, being touched by magick. How could anyone not want to pursue it?
Behind me Cal touched my arm, and I turned to him. He smiled at me. "I like having you here," he said. "And I'm glad you came. I wanted to give you something."
I looked up at him questioningly.
"Here." Reaching up, he untied the knot in the leather string around his neck. Its silver pentacle dangled, catching the lamplight and shining. This necklace had been one of the first things I'd noticed about him, and I remembered thinking how much I'd liked it. I stepped closer, and Cal fastened it around my neck. It fell to a point above my breastbone, and he traced around it on my shirt.
"Thank you," I whispered. "It's beautiful." Reaching up my land, I curled it around his neck and pulled him to me. He met my kiss halfway.
"How are things at home?" Cal asked a moment later, still holding me.
I felt like I could tell him anything. "Strange," I said. I pulled myself out of his arms and walked around his room. "I've hardly seen my parents. Today Mom was home, and I asked her about being adopted, and she said she needed more time." I shook my head, looking at Cal's tall bookcase, its rows of books on witchcraft, spell making, herbs, runes. I wanted to sit down and start reading and not get up for a long time.
"Every time I think about how they lied to me, feel furious," I told Cal, my hands clenching into fists. I let out a breath. "But today my mom lookedI don't know. Older. Fragile, somehow."
I stopped next to Cal's bed. He walked over to me and rubbed my back. I took his hand and brought it to my cheek.
"Part of me feels like they're not my real family," I said, "And another part of me thinks, of course they're my real ramify. They feel like my real family."
He nodded, his hand stroking up and down my arm. "It's strange when people you think you know really well feel suddenly different somehow."
He sounded like he was speaking from experience, and I looked up at him.
"Like my father," he said. "He was the high priest of my mom's coven when they were married. And he met another woman, another witch, in the coven. Mom and I used to make mean jokes about how she had put a love spell on him, but really, in the end, I think maybe he just loved her more."
I heard the hurt in his voice and rested my head against his chest, my arms going around his waist.
"They live in northern England now," Cal went on. His chest vibrated against my ear as he spoke. "She had a son, my age, from her first marriage, and they've had, I think, two more kids together."
"That's awful," I said.
He breathed in and out slowly. "I don't know. Maybe I'm just used to it now. But I just think that's how it goes. Nothing is static; things always change. The best you can do is change along with them and work with what you have."
I was silent, thinking about my own situation.
"I think the important thing is to get through the anger and negative feelings because they get in the way of magick," Cal said. "It's hard, but sometimes you just have to decide to let those feelings go."
His voice trailed off, and we stood there comfortably for a while. Finally, reluctantly, I glanced at my watch.
"Speaking of going, I have to go," I said.
"Already?" Cal said, leaning down to kiss me. He murmured something against my lips.
Smiling, I wriggled out of his grasp. "What did you say?"
"Nothing." He shook his head. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"What?" I asked again, concerned now. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," he said. "It's just suddenly I thought of muirn beatha dan. You know."
I looked at him. "What? What are you talking about?"
"You know," he said again, sounding almost shy. "Muirn beatha dan. You've read about it, right?"
I shook my head. "What is it?"
"Um, soul mate," said Cal. "Life partner. Predestined mate." My heart almost stopped beating, and my breath froze in my throat. I couldn't speak.
"In the form of Wicca that I practice," Cal explained, "we believe that for every witch, there's one true soul mate who's also a full-blooded witch; male or female, it doesn't matter. They're connected to that person, and belong together, and basically will only be truly happy with that person." He shrugged. "It sort of came into my head just now, when we were kissing."
"I never heard of it," I whispered. "How do you know if it happens?"
Cal laughed wryly. "That's the tricky part. Sometimes it isn't that easy. And of course, people have strong wills: They can choose to be with people, insist on believing that this person is their muirn beatha dan when they're wrong and just won't admit it."
I wondered if he was talking about his mother and father.
"Is there any surefire way to tell?" I asked.
"I've heard of spells you can do: complicated ones. But mostly witches just rely on their feelings, their dreams, and their instincts. They just feel this person is the one, and they go with it."
I felt exhilarated, like I was about to take off and fly. "And do you think maybe we're connected that way?" I asked breathlessly.
He touched my cheek. "I think we might be, yes," he said, his voice husky.
My eyes felt huge. "So what now?" I blurted out, and he laughed.
"We wait we stay together. Finish growing up together."
This was such an amazing, wonderful, seductive idea that I wanted to shout, I love you! And we will always be together! I'm the one for you, and you're the one for me!
"How do you say it again?" I asked.
"Muirn beatha dan," he said slowly, the words sounding ancient and lovely and mysterious.
I repeated them softly. "Yes," I said, and we met again in a kiss.
Long minutes later I pulled away from him. "Oh, no, I've really got to go! I'm going to be late!"
"Okay," he said, and we headed out of his room. It felt so hard to leave this place where everything felt so right. Especially when I knew I had to go home.
Again I thought about the first time I'd been in Cal's room, when the coven had met there. "Are you upset that Beth and Raven and Bree have quit?" I asked as we headed down the stairs.
He thought for a moment "Yes and no," he said. "No because I don't think you should try to keep someone in a coven against their will or even if they're not vary sure. It just makes negative energy. And yes because they were all kind of challenging personalities, and they added something to the mix. Which was good for the coven." He shrugged. "I guess we'll first have to wait and see what happens."
I put on my coat, wishing I didn't have to go out into the cold. Outside the trees wore almost bare, and the leftover leaves were a faded brown everywhere I looked.
"Ugh," I said, glancing out at Das Boot.
"Fall is trying to turn into winter," said Cal, breathing steam in the chilly air.
I watched his chest rise and fell, and a bolt of desire ripped through me. I wanted so badly to touch him, to run my hands through his hair, down his back, to kiss his throat and chest. I wanted to be close to him. To be his muirn beatha dan.
Instead I tore myself away, fumbling in my coat pocket for my keys, leaving Cal standing in the light from his door. My heart was full and aching, and I felt heavy with magick.