Two days ago she got a visit at the shop from a former foster father. He told her that her mother was still alive. In a mental institution in Oklahoma City.
He sat, stunned. Oh my god. She must be gutted. Why didnt she tell me?
Because your daughter was here. Raven wanted you to have that time with Carrie. Erin smiled at him like he was a little slow. And he supposed he was. Of course shed done it for that reason.
Shes in Oklahoma City all by herself?
I offered to go. Brody offered to go. She refused. We have children who need us and she wouldnt take us away from that. The foster parents offered to meet her and go. I dont know if she took them up on it. She wouldnt tell me anything about them. Something happened to her when she was fifteen. Shes mentioned it a few times, but never has told me exactly what happened. Maybe shes told you.
He shook his head. Shes mentioned it. I asked but she said she doesnt speak of it, ever. Shes told me a lot of other stuff. I know why she doesnt sleep over. Im trying to be patient and let her share as she can.
Erin nodded. But she sleeps in your house. Thats huge. She trusts you and she needs you. She needs you now more than ever. Erin turned and dug out a piece of paper, sliding it across the counter. Shes here. Go get her or Ill hate you forever.
He stood, draining the cup. On it. Thank you, Erin.
Dont be mad at her. She does the best she can.
He shook his head. Im not mad at her. He was frantic to get to her.
He rushed out, making a call to his assistant to get him on the next possible flight and a suite at the hotel Raven was staying at. One with a bedroom that had a lock on the door.
20
Shed finally been able to get permission to visit her mother the following day. It had been harder than shed thought, getting that permission. One of her doctors wanted to meet with Raven first, so shed do that first thing. Theyd done a check on her as well.
Bonnie and Mike had offered to come back to be with her when she visited. They only lived an hour from the hospital and had invited her to stay awhile when she was ready.
She might do it.
She did decline their offer to be with her when she visited her mother. She needed to do it alone. She had enough baggage with Mike and Bonnie that she wanted all her energy to be on her mother first. Then shed deal with them.
She picked up her phone and dialed Jonah before she talked herself out of it. Hed left several messages for her. At first shed been too busy to reply, and then Mike had come in and turned everything on its ear. But Carrie had still been visiting and shed be damned if she messed up the visit with all this stuff.
But she knew Carrie was due to go back that day. And God help her, shed become used to him in her life. Needed him.
She got his voice mail this time though.
Im sorry I havent called you back. I hope you got Carrie to the airport and shes back in Italy already. Im away right now. I found out . . . I found out my mother is still alive. I know, right? I cant . . . I dont know much more than that right now. Im in Oklahoma City now. Theyre letting me see her tomorrow. I dont know if Ill have any more information after I see her. Shes mentally ill. After this, Im heading to Happy Bend to confront my aunt about everything. About why they lied. Ill call you when I can. Please dont worry. I miss you.
She hung up and watched television aimlessly for a while as she huddled under the covers. Finally, she headed into the shower to warm up.
She was drying her hair when she heard a knock on the door. She needed to eat, but she hadnt called room service yet.
Pulling her robe on, she headed to the door and looked through the peephole.
Her heart stopped as she yanked the door open and Jonah came into the room, pulling her into a hug, kicking the door closed in his wake.
He smelled good. Familiar. Safe. He held her tight, reminding her she was all right. Everything was fine and she would make it through. He was there for her. Because he loved her.
I dont deserve you, she said as she buried her nose in his neck.
Says you. I think you deserve me just fine. Why didnt you tell me, baby? Youve been alone for two days dealing with this?
Not entirely alone. Erin and Brody know some of it. I flew here with Mike Thompson. Anyway, I didnt want to bug you while Carrie was here. Shes your first priority and thats how it should be. I left a message for you a few hours ago.
I know. I came straight from the airport. Come on. Lets get you packed up. I have a bigger room for us on a higher floor. Its got a separate bedroom with a lock on the door. I can sleep on the couch. But theres no way were not being together tonight.
She swallowed hard. You dont have to sleep on the couch. I want to try. I want you with me. Ive missed you so much.
No pressure. Well take it slow and if you have a problem, well do what we normally do.
He helped as she tossed her clothes back into her suitcase. Hed expected her to argue about it, but she didnt. She looked small and sad and it tore at him. She tossed all her toiletries in the bag as well, which he then took from her.
Leave the robe on, were only going up a few floors.
She nodded and allowed him to shuffle her out, holding his hand.
He nearly drowned in the emotion of seeing her need him so much. The way shed held on so tight, his strong, independent Raven. Pride filled him that he made her feel better. Guilt that shed not come to him, out of her need to protect him and his daughter.
It was he who didnt deserve her. But he wasnt giving her back so that was that. On their floor, he opened the door and ushered her in. The room wasnt bad and hed turned the heat on, knowing she tended to get cold. Outside it was sleeting. Hed white-knuckled it on the way from the airport, praying it would hold off until hed arrived. Thankfully it started just as hed made his way off the highway.
Get some socks on. He put her bags in the bedroom and her toiletries in the bathroom. When he came out he saw shed snuggled up on the couch in the main room.
How about some hot chocolate? Or tea? Have you been sleeping well? Stupid question.
She took a deep breath and blurted out, Do you want to know? The story, I mean?
He sat with her. Saw the strain on her features. He wanted to know so very much, but he knew it was stressful for her to relive it too. Yes. But first, have you eaten? You look pale and a little thin.
Its only been two days.
Dont get peevish with me, missy. Its been four since we connected and two before that since I actually saw you. Im agitated that youve been alone dealing with this as it is. Now, you look pale and if I know you, youve been running yourself ragged. Have you eaten?
She smiled and it made him feel better. I was getting ready to order food up when you came. You came. She blinked away tears and he pulled her legs up into his lap.
I did. I will always be here for you. Get that through your head right now. He leaned to grab the room service menu and flip through it. She needed taking care of and he was going to do just that.
Anything good?
She nodded. Get the pie. I had the lemon meringue last night.
He grinned. All right. What else?
I want the chicken and potatoes. Theyre real, not that powdered stuff. A bowl of soup, whatever they have is fine. And pie.
He called it all up, adding the French dip for himself with some extras and a few beers.
They said about half an hour.
Erin said to me, when she dropped me at the airport, that secrets hurt. And that it was time I let go of the stuff that was hurting me. Youve been patient, letting me tell you on my own terms. You cant know what that means to me.
I love you. Theres nothing else I can do. It means so much that youd share. I know its not easy. He took her hand.
Its not pretty either.
Its not on you. You understand that, right? The stuff that happened to you when you were growing up was not your fault. I dont think that and I want you to stop it too.
Im trying. So when I was ten or so, my mom came back to town and we made a go of it for a while. She had a job at the grocery store. We had a little one-bedroom apartment over the hardware store. It wasnt fancy, but she was with me.
And then she just wasnt. She didnt come home. Two days later she hadnt come home and we were out of food and her boss came over and saw I was on my own and they called child services. Again. They put me in foster care, this time in the next town over, Harperville. A few months later my aunt, my moms sister, came to the school and told me my mother had overdosed and died. I didnt know enough then to ask any real questions. I just knew for sure that Id never have a home. My great-grandmother was too sick to take me in and as I said, my other relatives wouldnt. Later, when I was sixteen or so, I confronted hermy aunt, I mean. I wanted details. It had been a . . . rough time for me. She told me my mother had died after selling herself for a dirty bag of heroin. That theyd found her body in the gutter where shed belonged.
He sucked in a breath, trying hard not to let his rage show. She didnt need that.
So you know, I came out to L.A. that next year after Id saved up every cent I could, believing my mother had abandoned me. Believing no one wanted me. Emotion made her voice thick. He squeezed her hand tight. He wanted her.
So two days ago one of my foster fathers came into the shop. Hed been looking for meand Ill tell you that story after we eat. Anyway, he and his wife had been looking for me. But first, they found my mother. Who wasnt dead at all, but in a mental institution where shed been for years.
Her voice broke.
I thought Id cried it all out of my system. God knows Ive probably gotten dehydrated from it since I found out. Anyway, shes had a lifetime of trouble. They knew it, Jonah. My family knew she was alive and they told me she was dead and had abandoned me. I dont understand why. Anyway, Mike and Bonnie visited her a few weeks ago. They had told her I was dead too. Back when I was fifteen. I cant even tell you. She tried to kill herself then. And several times since. Thats why shes here. Shes a self-harm risk and I guess the usual treatments dont work on her. She asked them to find me and tell me she was alive and wanted to see me.
He blew out a breath. Wow. Thats some soap opera shit right there.
I know. Ive been reeling. Everything I thought about my childhood, well, its not the same. None of it is what I thought and I dont know how to process it. So Ive been avoiding processing it. I feel like if I really face it Im going to fall the fuck apart. What if Im crazy too? Schizophrenia runs in families. Ive got a family full of addicts and fuckups. What if its in me right now, just waiting?
Have you talked with a doctor about it? He kept his voice calm, knowing she was scared.
Not yet. I had to go through a background check to see her. Im meeting with her doctor first, before they let me meet with her. But I dont know that itll be the right time to ask about that. Or even if Im ready to know yet.
A knock sounded the arrival of the food, which was set up quickly. He pointed a finger at the table and she rolled her eyes, but got up and moved over, settling as she sipped the tea and began to eat.
When I was fourteen Id been placed, temporarily, in a far-removed family members home. It was through family court. They really only wanted me for the money and, well, apparently for other things. Thats where . . . well, the place I got the worst of the bad dreams from.
Where you were raped.
She flinched but nodded. A teacher at school noticed the big change in my behavior and called my case worker. They removed me the next day and put me in a halfway house.
He knew enough about the system to know quite often halfway houses were the last resort placements for older kids who had been in the system long term and for kids with criminal and severe behavioral issues.
And then the Thompsons came along. I was sent there and they gave me my own room. They had a daughter who was nearly two years older than I was. They were so good to me. Bonniethats Mrs. Thompsonwas a nurse. She had this way about her. They left me alone when I needed it. Let me lock my door when I went to bed. After eight months there, the longest placement Id ever had, they asked me if I wanted to live with them permanently. I was going to have a family. My god. You have no idea what that felt like. I had a family. People who wanted me. So they started the process. My biological family were pretty much like yeah whatever, take her off our hands. But its a long process. My grades improved. I made friends. I had a cat named Ginger. For the first time in my entire life I was happy every single day.
She ate for a while as dread tore at his insides.
You dont have to say anything else.
Yes, yes, I do. So Missy, that was their daughter, she was a cheerleader and had convinced them to let her go to cheerleading camp at a nearby private college. It was a summer program, the students slept in the dorms with their teammates. She had classes and stuff on tumbling and that cheerleadery jazz.
And one day she didnt come back from dinner. They ate in the residential dining halls but it wasnt that far from their dorms or practice field.
For two weeks they combed the area. They waited for a ransom call. They went on television begging for her safe return. They found her body. It was bad. Shed been tortured. She had to stop, putting her fork down and mopping her face with her napkin. What had been done to her, well, no one should have to have endured it. The Thompsons just sort of checked out. One day, a month after they found her, Mrs. Thompson picked me up from school, took me to the hospitals social worker and said the state had to take me back. They werent going to adopt me. They werent going to keep me as a foster placement. She gave me all the money in her wallet, hugged me and walked away.
He had to stand, the rage pulsing through him was nearly too much. He clenched and unclenched his fists.
These people are scum, Raven. They had no right!
No, they didnt. But they lost a child. I heard over the next year that their marriage had broken up and theyd lost their home and had moved away. Id heard here and there that Mike had developed a problem with alcohol. That next placement was my last. Id been saving up money since I got my first job at fifteen. I was going to buy a car with it. Such a normal thing and something else that Id never have in Happy Bend or anywhere else in Arkansas. A few months later I packed up everything I owned, which filled one suitcase. I left my sketchbooks in my great-grandmothers garage and she sent them to me a year later. I never looked back. Except for when I came back to her funeral. When my aunt told my mother I was dead, she used the story of Missys death. She didnt just tell my mother I was dead, Jonah, she told her Id been tortured, raped and murdered. I will not rest until thats been dealt with.
Jesus, baby. Im so sorry.
She shrugged. Ive never told that story to anyone. Its been like a sore in my belly for so long its been what I thought was normal. But Mike Thompson came to me at the shop. He apologized. He and Bonnie have been looking for me for ages. I have closure on that. I needed that. And I have it and its been important. He flew out here with me. They live just about an hour away. They invited me to stay with them. But I had to do it without them. But thank God I dont have to do it without you. That is if youre still, you know, if you still want to be with me after I told you all that stuff.
He knelt in front of her chair and hugged her, his face buried in her chest. I love you so fucking much it should be scary. I wanted to be with you before I knew this. I want to be with you now. I want to make this better for you and I cant. I want to punch people and sue them and make them sorry they treated you so poorly.
She hugged him back, her heart pounding against where he laid his head on her chest. Im a terrible person, but that makes me feel better. Jonah?
He pulled back and looked up into her face. Yes, baby?
She smiled. I love it when you use endearments. If you tell anyone, Ill only deny it. I love you too. I dont know that youre getting as good a deal as I am. But there is it. Im so weary. You make me less so.
He grinned. Thats a pretty damned good deal. Ill take it.
They talked for a while longer. He watched her while she ate, making sure she cleaned her plate. Though she was nauseated from the telling, she had been letting herself get run down and she needed the energy and calories. It also made her feel better that he was there to frown at her and tip his chin at the next bite to be taken.
Im going to take a shower. Why dont you get snuggled into bed?
Sadly, these showers are of the very small variety or Id offer to get your back.
Youre here. Im here. Thats what matters. Ill let you get my back when we get home. Ill join you for a snuggle when Im done.
She went into the bedroom adjoining the smaller common space and pulled the blankets back. Two weeks ago, while staying at his house, shed stopped locking the door. The first night shed been awake pretty much the whole time. Dreams intruded when she did get to sleep. But the next night she was there, she tried it again and that time she slept.
She hadnt told him because she didnt want to get his hopes up that shed be able to transition into his room soon. And she was tired of it. Tired of the things that had sort of frozen her life into a ball of anxiety. She wanted to be with him and so she pushed herself bit by bit, and the last time shed stayed at his house, right before Carrie had come, shed slept with her door open a crack.
And shed slept all night long.
So when he came out of the shower, she patted the mattress as she drank in the sight of him. So masculine, even in sleep pants and a T-shirt. He smiled and slid in with her, pulling her close.
Thank you for coming. I know I said it before, but I want to say it again. It means so much to me.
Im here for you. Carrie would have wanted me to come to you, you know. She likes you. Shed be heartbroken to imagine you were here alone all so I could have taken her out to dinner and a movie or whatever.
Family is important, Jonah. Carrie doesnt need to know about this. All she ever needs to know about me is that I value your commitment to her and that I will always expect you to put her first. Thats your job. And memories are made from dinners and movies. Thats more important and you cant say a damned thing that would make me disagree.
Stubborn. He ran his fingertips over her collar.
I have to be to keep up with you. I had to take it off. At the airport I mean.
The collar?
Yes. Im sorry.
He laughed, pulling her even closer, which was just fine with her. He gave off heat like a furnace and he made her feel safe. Plus he smelled good.
Dont apologize. Its not because I think you need it to remember what we have. Also its the airport, you have to do it and I certainly dont expect you to do otherwise.
It helped. The collar, I mean. When I felt alone or overwhelmed Id touch it. Or when I was lost, it would be there against my skin. Reassuring. Strong. Like you.
He hummed, kissing the top of her head. I like that. You should sleep. Ill leave when you fall asleep and lock the door. Theres a bed in the couch. Ill be fine.
The last eight times I slept at your house I started experimenting. At first Id unlock the door when I woke in the middle of the night. Then I left it unlocked, which was hard, I admit. But then I left it unlocked and slept just fine. The last time I left the door open a crack. I want you in here with me. I cant promise Ill be able to do it, but I want to try. I want to sleep next to you. I need that. Especially tonight.
He moved so that she was on her back and he loomed over her. Really? He kissed her softly.
Yeah.
Then Ill have to make you nice and tired, good and relaxed, so youll sleep well. The flash of that grin made things tighten up. Her nipples, her clit. Her skin was extra sensitive with him so close.
Yay.
He kissed her again. A slow, deep, meandering kiss. His tongue slid over her bottom lip just before he nipped it. She moaned and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Holding on.
He slowly unbuttoned her shirt, petting over her skin, bringing her to life in a way only he could. She gave over to him immediately because things were better when she did. Because he took away all the anxiety and worry and he made it all right.
Love these tits. He pinched her nipples, tugged at the hoops in them until she writhed into his touch.
She managed to get the muscle control to grab the hem of his shirt and pull it off, tossing it away somewhere. She hissed when she rose up and they were skin to skin. The heat of him was so good.
She licked over his chest. I can pierce you. If you like. She ran the edge of her teeth over his left nipple, the one he favored. The one that made his cock jump in her hand where shed shoved it down the front of his sleep pants.
Yeah?
Mm. Yes.
She ran her nails down his sides. She still had one last session to do on his back to finish up the shading and hed be done. She was careful not to dig her nails into the muscles there, though she wanted to. Though he made a rather delightful groan when she did. He needed to be totally healed first.
Then shed scratch her nails down his back so hed know he was all hers.
That smile youre wearing strikes fear in my heart.
She laughed, her head tipping back, exposing her throat to his hot, openmouthed kisses. I was just thinking about how Im going to mark your back up with my nails so no other ladies can get a taste. Youre all mine.
He laughed, nipping the delicate skin of her neck. Im all yours already. Not like any other ladies will be around me with my shirt off to see anyway.
Oh, well done. I like that answer.
Its true. He reared up long enough to pull her pants and underwear off and kick his own free as well. When he returned he lay on her, all his weight for a short period of time. Skin to skin. Both groaned at how good it was.
I never understood what it was to be like this with anyone. I heard people talk about the deep connection they had while they were having sex and I thought it was bullshit. Sex is great and you can feel close to your partner, sure, but this? What I feel every time I touch you? Nothing else compares.
He kissed her long and slow again, seducing her as she let herself fall under his spell. She was safe with him. No matter how much he excited her or stoked her desire, she could trust him with the barest parts of herself.
He licked her nipples and she sucked a breath, arching into his mouth as his hands found her hips and held her just where he wanted her to be.
He nibbled and licked as she was helpless to do anything but hold on. So she did.
I need you a whole lot right now, she managed to say. I want you inside.
He pulled back enough to look into her face. Hands and knees.
She rolled and got into position. Once he got behind her, she leaned into his thighs because thats how he liked it. He thrust into her pussy so fast she nearly choked when she sucked in a breath.
He kept a pace that pleased him. He wanted to pull out and make her suck his cock before he let her come. He wanted to come on her tits and make her finger herself to orgasm. So much. But shed opened herself up, told him some things that left him sure he needed to keep those things on deck for another time. That night he wanted to possess her, to let her know she was his to protect and cherish. Its what they both needed.
She was so tight and wet around him as she thrust back in the small amount of space the position allowed. She essentially bounced back on his cock, her ass against his thighs.
Youre so sexy. He ran his hands all over her back and hips before he reached around to take her breasts in his hands. Pulling and pinching those nipples wearing the hoops hed given her.
Mmmm.
He smiled as he leaned forward to kiss her shoulder. Make yourself come around my cock, he whispered against her skin.
She whimpered, changing her balance to slide a hand between her legs. He felt the brush of her fingertips where he thrust into her cunt. A feather of a touch before her hand moved up to her clit. She tightened around him, making him see stars for a brief moment.
He nibbled over her back. Nipping here and here. Hard enough to leave a mark where only he would see. Their secret. She arched on an indrawn breath.
Greedy.
She raced to climax as he tried to hold his own back. He wanted a long slow fuck but she took it to a frenzy because he needed her with such an intensity he couldnt see straight. He sped up his thrusts and she pressed back against him, taking him even deeper.
Her inner walls began to ripple around him, her cunt squeezing, super heating, so fucking wet as she finally exploded. There was nothing he could do but go with her, follow her into climax as he whispered her name and took her to the bed, wrapping his arms around her and whispering that he loved her.
21
She hated the way the hospital smelled. It was more than the general antiseptic of a regular hospital. There was something else. It made her sad.
They had gone through two doors, acquired special visitor passes, had emptied their pockets and their belongings had been placed in a plastic bag to be kept at the nurses station. Theyd told her the day before to leave her purse at home, so she had.
Her hands shook, but Jonah just reached out and took one. You okay?
Raven shook her head. No. But Im better off than she is.
They went through another set of doors and were led into a room with a few pieces of furniture. There were big windows, but they were safety glass and bars held anyone several inches away from their surface.
Im going to go get Lena. Do you have any questions before I go? The orderly whod accompanied them was a pretty big guy, probably in his forties.
Is there something I should avoid talking about? I dont know what to say.
He smiled. Youre her daughter. Shes been talking about it all day long. Shes having a good day today. Just tell her about your life. Everything will be all right. Ill be here the whole time. Over in that corner. If she gets excitable, and I dont think she will, but if she does, Ill step in and if we cant get her calm again, Ill take her back to her room. He paused. The medications shes been on . . . shell most likely be heavier than you last remember her. She also has some tremors in her face. Namely her mouth. The older drugs had more side effects than they do now. I just wanted to let you know. Shes not in pain or anything.
They sat at a table, Jonah at her side, and they waited.
It wasnt long before the door on the far side of the room opened and the orderly led her mother in. Raven hoped she hid her shock well. Her mother was still recognizable, but she was heavier, yes. Her once glorious deep black hair was short now, shot with gray.
Raven stood and moved toward her mother.
Beautiful Raven-Haired Baby Girl. Her mother used Ravens full, given name and then she opened her arms. Got a hug for your momma?
She went into the hug and tried very hard not to cry. And failed.
Shhh. Everythings gonna be all right now. Lena patted her arm and they walked over to the table together. Sit now and introduce me to your young man.
Jonah stood and took Lenas hand, kissing it in chivalrous fashion. Lena blushed.
Maam, Im Jonah Warner. Not so young, but certainly Ravens. Im very pleased to meet you.