John Kendrick Bangs
The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces
THE BICYCLERS
CHARACTERS:
MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, an expert.
MR. JACK BARLOW, another.
MR. THADDEUS PERKINS, a beginner.
MR. EDWARD BRADLEY, a scoffer.
MRS. THADDEUS PERKINS, a resistant.
MRS. EDWARD BRADLEY, an enthusiast.
JENNIE, a maid.
The scene is laid in the drawing-room of Mr. and Mrs. Thaddeus Perkins, at No. Gramercy Square. It is late October; the action begins at 8.30 oclock on a moonlight evening. The curtain rising discloses Mr. and Mrs. Perkins sitting together. At right is large window facing on square. At rear is entrance to drawing-room. Leaning against doorway is a safety bicycle. Perkinsis clad in bicycle garb.
Perkins. Well, Bess, Im in for it now, and no mistake. Bob and Jack are coming to-night to give me my first lesson in biking.
Mrs. Perkins. Im very glad of it, Thaddeus. I think it will do you a world of good. Youve been working too hard of late, and you need relaxation.
Perkins (doubtfully). I know thatbutfrom what I can gather, learning to ride a wheel isnt the most restful thing in the world. Theres a good deal of lying down about it; but it comes with too great suddenness; that is, so Charlie Cheeseborough says. He learned up at the Academy, and he told me that he spent most of his time making dents in the floor with his head.
Mrs. Perkins. Well, I heard differently. Emma Bradley learned there at the same time he did, and she said he spent most of his time making dents in the floor with other peoples heads. Why, really, he drove all the ladies to wearing those odious Psyche knots. The time he ran into Emma, if she hadnt worn her back hair that way shed have fractured her skull.
Perkins. Ha, ha! They all tell the same story. Barlow said he always wore a beaver hat while Cheeseborough was on the floor, so that if Charlie ran into him and he took a header his brain wouldnt suffer.
Mrs. Perkins. Nevertheless, Mr. Cheeseborough learned more quickly than any one else in the class.
Perkins. So Barlow saidbecause he wasnt eternally in his own way, as he was in every one elses. (A ring is heard at the front door.) Ah! I guess thats Bob and Jack.
Enter Jennie.
Jennie. Mr. Bradley, maam.
Perkins. Bradley? Wonder what the deuce hes come for? Hell guy the life out of me. (Enter Bradley. He wears a dinner coat.) Ah, Brad, old chap, how are you? Glad to see you.
Bradley. Good-evening, Mrs. Perkins. This your eldest? [With a nod at Perkins.
Mrs. Perkins. My eldest?
Bradley. Yesjudged from his togs it was your boy. What! Can it be? You! Thaddeus?
Perkins. Thats who I am.
Bradley. When did you go into short trousers?
Perkins (with a feeble laugh, glancing at his clothes). Oh, theseha, ha! Im taking up the bicycle. Even if it werent for the exhilaration of riding, its a luxury to wear these clothes. Old flannel shirt, old coat, old pair of trousers shortened to the knee, and golf stockings. Ive had these golf stockings two years, and never had a chance to wear em till now.
Bradley. Youve got it bad, havent you? How many lessons have you had?
Perkins. None yet. Fact is, just got my wheelthats it over there by the doorpneumatic tires, tool-chest, cyclometer, lampall for a hun.
Bradley (with a laugh). How about life-insurance? Do they throw in a policy for that? They ought to.
Perkins. Nobut they would if Id insisted. Competition between makers is so great, theyll give you most anything to induce a bargain. The only thing they really gave me extra is the ki-yi gun.
Mrs. Perkins. The what?
Perkins. Ki-yi gunit shoots dogs. Dog comes out, catches sight of your leg
Bradley. Mistakes it for a bone and grabseh?
Perkins. WellI fancy thats about the size of it. You cant very well get off, so you get out your ki-yi gun and shoot ammonia into the beasts face. It doesnt hurt the dog, but it gives him something to think of. Ill show you how the thing works. (Gets the gun from tool-box.) This is the deadly weapon, and Im the ridersee? (Sits on a chair, with face to back, and works imaginary pedals.) Youre the dog. Im passing the farm-yard. Bow-wow! out you springgrab me by the boneIahI mean the leg. Pouf! I shoot you with ammonia. [Suits action to the word.
Bradley (starting back). Hi, hold on! Dont squirt that infernal stuff at me! My dear boy, get a grip on yourself. Im not really a ki-yi, and while I dont like bicyclists, their bones are safe from me. I wont bite you.
Mrs. Perkins. ReallyI think thats a very ingenious arrangement; dont you, Mr. Bradley?
Bradley. I do, indeed. But, as long as were talking about it, I must say I think what Thaddeus really needs is a motormangun, to squirt ammonia, or even beer, into the faces of these cable-car fellows. Theyre more likely to interfere with him than dogsdont you think?
Perkins. Its a first-rate idea, Brad. Ill suggest it to my agent.
Bradley. Your what?
Perkins (apologetically). Well, I call him my agent, although really Ive only bought this one wheel from him. He represents the Czar Manufacturing Company.
Bradley. They make Czars, do they?
Perkins (with dignity). They make wheels. The man who owns the company is named Czar. I refer to him as my agent, because from the moment he learned I thought of buying a wheel he came and lived with me. I couldnt get rid of him, and finally in self-defence I bought this wheel. It was the only way I could get rid of him.
Bradley. Aha! Thats the milk in the cocoanut. eh? Hadnt force of mind to get rid of the agent. Couldnt say no. Humph! I wondered why you, a man of sense, a man of dignity, a gentleman, should take up with this
Perkins (angrily). See here, Brad, I like you very much, but I must say
Mrs. Perkins (foreseeing a quarrel). Thaddeus! Sh! Ah, by-the-way, Mr. Bradley, where is Emma this evening? I never knew you to be separated before.
Bradley (sorrowfully). This is the first time, Mrs. Perkins. Fact is, wed intended calling on you to-night, and I dressed as you see me. Emma was in proper garb too, but when she saw what a beautiful night it was, she told me to go ahead, and sheBy Jove! it almost makes me weep!
Perkins. She wasnt taken ill?
Bradley. Noworse. She said: You go down on the L. Ill bike. Its such a splendid night. Fine piece of business this! To have a bicycle come between man and wife is a pretty hard fate, I thinkfor the one who doesnt ride.
Mrs. Perkins. Then Emma is coming here?
Bradley. Thats the idea, on her wheelcoming down the Boulevard, across Seventy-second Street, through the Park, down Madison, across Twenty-third, down Fourth to Twenty-first, then here.
Perkins. Bully ride that.
Mrs. Perkins. Alone?
Bradley (sadly). I hope sobut these bicyclists have a way of flocking together. For all I know, my beloved Emma may now be coasting down Murray Hill escorted by some bicycle club from Jersey City.
Mrs. Perkins. Oh dearMr. Bradley!
Bradley. Oh, its all right, I assure you, Mrs. Perkins. Perfectly right and proper. Its merely part of the exercise, dont you know. Theres a hail-fellow-well-metness about enthusiastic bicyclists, and Emma is intensely enthusiastic. It gives her a chance, you know, and Emma has always wanted a chance. Independence is a thing shes been after ever since she got her freedom, and now, thanks to the wheel, shes got it again, and even I must admit its harmless. Funny she doesnt get here though (looking at his watch); shes had time to come down twice.
[Bicycle bells are heard ringing without.
Mrs. Perkins. Maybe that is she now. Go and see, will you, Thaddeus? [Exit Perkins.
Perkins (without), That you, Mrs. Bradley?
[Mrs. Perkins and Bradley listen intently.
Two Male Voices. No; its us, Perk. Got your wheel?
Bradley and Mrs. Perkins. Where can she be?
Enter Perkins with Barlow and Yardsley.
They both greet Mrs. Perkins.
Yardsley. Hullo, Brad! You going to have a lesson too?
Barlow. Dressed for it, arent you, by Jove! Nothing like a dinner coat for a bicycle ride. Your coat-tails dont catch in the gear.
Bradley (severely). I havent taken it upfact is, I dont care for fads. Have you seen my wife?
Yardsley. Yessaw her the other night at the academy. Rides mighty well, too, Brad. Dont wonder you dont take it up. Contrast, you knoweh, Perk? Fearful thing for a man to have the world see how much smarter his wife is than he is.
Perkins (turning to his wheel). Bradleys a little worried about the non-arrival of Mrs. Bradley. She was coming here on her wheel, and started about the same time he did.
Barlow. Oh, thats all right, Ned. She knows her wheel as well as you know your business. Cant come down quite as fast as the L, particularly these nights just before election. She may have fallen in with some political parade, and is waiting to get across the street.
Bradley (aside). Well, I like that!
Mrs. Perkins (aside). Whyits awful!
Yardsley. Or she may possibly have punctured her tirethat would delay her fifteen or twenty minutes. Dont worry, my dear boy. I showed her how to fix a punctured tire all right. Its simple enoughyou take the rubber thing they give you and fasten it in that metal thingumbob, glue it up, poke it in, pull it out, pump her up, and there you are.
Bradley (scornfully). You told her that, did you?
Yardsley. I did.
Bradley (with a mock sigh of relief). You dont know what a load youve taken off my mind.
Barlow (looking at his watch). Hm! Thaddeus, its nine oclock. I move we go out and have the lesson. Eh? The moon is just right.
Yardsley. Yeswe cant begin too soon. Wheel all right?
Perkins. Guess soIm ready.
Bradley. Ill go out to the corner and see if theres any sign of Mrs. Bradley. [Exit.
Mrs. Perkins (who has been gazing out of window for some moments). I do wish Emma would come. I cant understand how women can do these things. Riding down here all alone at night! It is perfectly ridiculous!
Yardsley (rolling Perkinss wheel into middle of room). Czar wheel, eh?
Perkins (meekly). Yesbest goingthey tell me.
Barlow. Cant compare with the Alberta. Has a way of going to pieces like the one-hoss shayeh, Bob?
Yardsley. Exactlywhen you least expect it, toothough the Alberta isnt much better. You get coasting on either of em, and half-way down, bang! the front wheel collapses, hind wheel flies up and hits you in the neck, handle-bar turns just in time to stab you in the chest; and there you are, miles from home, a physical, moral, bicycle wreck. But the Arena wheel is different. In fact, I may say that the only safe wheel is the Arena. Thats the one I ride. However, at fifty dollars this one isnt extravagant.
Perkins. I paid a hundred.
Yardsley. A whaaat?
Perkins. Hundred.
Barlow. Well you are aagood fellow. Its a pretty wheel, anyhow. Eh, Bob?
Yardsley. Simple beauty. Is she pumped up?
Perkins. Beg your pardon?
Yardsley. Pumped up, tires full and tightready for actionsupport an elephant?
Perkins. Guess somyI mean, the agent said it was perfect.
Yardsley. Extra nuts?
Perkins. What?
Yardsley. Extra nutsnuts extra. Suppose you lose a nut, and your pedal comes off; what you going to doget a tow?
Barlow. Guess Perkins thinks this is like going to sleep.
Perkins. I dont know anything about it. What Im after is information; only, I give you warning, I will not ride so as to get round shoulders.
Yardsley. Then wheres your wrench? Screw up your bar, hoist your handles, elevate your saddle, and youre O.K. What saddle have you?
Perkins (tapping it). This.
Barlow. Humph! Not very goodbut well try it. Come on. Its getting late.