Barlow. Humph! Not very goodbut well try it. Come on. Its getting late.
[They go out. Perkins reluctantly. In a moment he returns alone, and, rushing to Mrs. Perkins, kisses her affectionately.
Perkins. Good-bye, dearest.
Mrs. Perkins. Good-bye. Dont hurt yourself, Thaddeus. [Exit Perkins.
Mrs. Perkins (leaving window and looking at clock on mantel). Ten minutes past nine and Emma not here yet. It does seem too bad that she should worry Ed so much just for independence sake. I am quite sure I should never want to ride a wheel anyhow, and even if I did
Enter Yardsley hurriedly, with a piece of flannel in his hand.
Yardsley. I beg pardon, Mrs. Perkins, but have you a shawl-strap in the house?
Mrs. Perkins (tragically). What is that you have in your hand, Mr. Yardsley?
Yardsley (with a glance at the piece of flannel). That? Ohha-hathatthats aaha piece of flannel.
Mrs. Perkins (snatching the flannel from Yardsleys hand). But Teddyisnt that a piece of TeddysTeddys shirt?
Yardsley. More than that, Mrs. Perkins. Its the greater part of Teddys shirt. Thats why we want the shawl-strap. When we started him off, you know, he took his coat off. Jack held on to the wheel, and I took Teddy in the fulness of his shirt. Onetwothree! Teddy put on steamBarlow let goTeddy went offI held onthis is what remained. It ruined the shirt, but Teddy is safe. (Aside.) Barring about sixty or seventy bruises.
Mrs. Perkins (with a faint smile). And the shawl-strap?
Yardsley. I want to fasten it around Teddys waist, grab hold of the handle, and so hold him up. Hes all right, so dont you worry. (Exit Mrs. Perkins in search of shawl-strap.) Guess Id better not say anything about the Ponds Extract he told me to bringdoesnt need it, anyhow. Mans got to get used to leaving pieces of his ankle-bone on the curb-stone if he wants to learn to ride a wheel. Only worry her if I asked her for itwont hurt him to suffer a week.
Enter Bradley.
Bradley. Has she come yet?
Yardsley. Nojust gone up-stairs for a shawl-strap.
Bradley. Shawl-strap? Who?
Perkins (outside). Hurry up with that Ponds Extract, will you?
Yardsley. All rightcoming. Who? Who what?
Bradley. Who has gone up-stairs after shawl-strapmy wife?
Yardsley. No, no, no. Hasnt she got here yet? Its Mrs. Perkins. Perk fell off just now and broke in two. We want to fasten him together.
Barlow (outside). Bring out that pump. His wheels flabby.
Enter Mrs. Perkins with shawl-strap.
Mrs. Perkins. Here it is. What did I hear about Ponds Extract? Didnt somebody call for it?
Yardsley. Nooh nonot a bit of it! What you heard was shawl-strapsounds like extractvery much like it. In fact
Bradley. But you did say you wanted
Yardsley (aside to Bradley). Shut up! Thaddeus banged his ankle, but hell get over it in a minute. Shed only worry. The best bicyclers in the world are all the time falling off, taking headers, and banging their ankles.
Bradley. Poor Emma!
Enter Barlow.
Barlow. Where the deuce is that Ex
Yardsley (grasping him by the arm and pushing him out). Here it is; this is the ex-strap, just what we wanted. (Aside to Bradley.) Go down to the drug-store and get a bottle of Ponds, will you? [Exit.
Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). She cant be long in coming now.
Bradley. I guess Ill go out to the corner again. (Aside.) Best bicyclers always smashing ankles, falling off, taking headers! If I ever get hold of Emma again, Ill see whether shell ride that[Rushes out.
Mrs. Perkins. It seems to have made these men crazy. I never saw such strange behavior in all my life. (The telephone-bell rings.) What can that be? (Goes to phone, which stands just outside parlor door.) Hello! What? Yes, this is 1181yes. Who are you? What? Emma? Oh dear, Im so glad! Are you alive? Where are you? What? Where? The police-station! (Turning from telephone.) Thaddeus, Mr. Barlow, Mr. Yardsley. (Into telephone.) Hello! What for? What? Riding without a lamp! Arrested at Forty-second Street! Want to be bailed out? (Drops receiver. Rushes into parlor and throws herself on sofa.) To think of itEmma Bradley! (Telephone-bell rings violently again; Mrs. Perkins goes to it.) Hello! Yes. Tell Ed what? To ask for Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins. Whos she? What, you! (Drops the receiver; runs to window.) Thaddeus! Mr. Yardsley! Mr. Barlow!all of you come here, quick.
[They rush in. Perkins with shawl-strap about his waistlimping. Barlow has large air-pump in his hand. Mrs. Perkins grows faint.
Perkins. Great heavens! Whats the matter?
Barlow. Get some waterquick!
[Yardsley runs for water.
Mrs. Perkins. Air! Give me air!
Perkins (grabbing pump from Barlows hand). Dont stand there like an idiot! Act! She wants air!
[Places pump on floor and begins to pump air at her.
Barlow. Whos the idiot now? Wheel her over to the window. Shes not a bicycle.
They do so. Mrs. Perkins revives.
Perkins. What is the matter?
Mrs. Perkins. Mrs. Willoughby HawkinsarrestedForty-second Streetno lampbailed out. Oh, dear me, dear me! Itll all be in the papers!
Perkins. Whats that got to do with us? Whos Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins?
Mrs. Perkins. Emma! Assumed name.
Barlow. Good Lord! Mrs. Bradley in jail?
Perkins. This is a nice piece ofowmy ankle, my ankle!
[Enter Bradley and Yardsley at same time, Bradley with bottle of Ponds Extract, Yardsley with glass of water.
Bradley. Where the deuce did you fellows go to? Ive been wandering all over the square looking for you.
Perkins. Your wife
Bradley (dropping bottle). What? What about herhurt?
Mrs. Perkins. Worse! [Sobs.
Bradley. Killed?
Mrs. Perkins. Worsel-lol-locked upin jailno bailwants to be lamped out.
Bradley. Great heavens! Where?when? What next? Wheres my hat?whatll the baby say? I must go to her at once.
Yardsley. Hold on, old man. Let me go up. Youre too excited. I know the police captain. You stay here, and Ill run up and fix it with him. If you go, hell find out who Mrs. Hawkins is; youll get mad, and things will be worse than ever.
Bradley. But
Barlow. No buts, my dear boy. You just stay where you are. Yardsleys right. It would be an awful grind on you if this ever became known. Bob can fix it up in two minutes with the captain, and Mrs. Bradley can come right back with him. Besides, he can get there in five minutes on his wheel. It will take you twenty on the cars.
Yardsley. Precisely. Meanwhile, Brad, youd better learn to ride the wheel, so that Mrs. B. wont have to ride alone. This ought to be a lesson to you.
Perkins. Bully idea (rubbing his ankle). You can use my wheel to-nightII think Ive had enough for the present. (Aside.) The pavements arent soft enough for me; and, O Lord! what a stony curb that was!
Bradley. I never thought Id get so low.
Yardsley. Well, it seems to me that a man with a wife in jail neednt be too stuck up to ride a bicycle. Butby-byIm off. [Exit.
Mrs. Perkins. Poor Emmaout for freedom, and lands in jail. What horrid things policemen are, to arrest a woman!
Bradley (indignantly). Served her right! If women wont obey the law they ought to be arrested, the same as men. If she wasnt my wife, Id like to see her sent up for ten years or even twenty years. Women have got no business
Barlow. Dont get mad, Brad. If you knew the fascination of the wheel you wouldnt blame her a bit.
Bradley (calming down). WellI suppose it has some fascination.
Perkins (anxious to escape further lessons). Oh, indeed, its a most exhilarating sensation: you seem to be flying like a bird over the high-ways. Try it, Ned. Go on, right away. You dont know how that little ride I had braced me up.
Barlow (wish a laugh). There! Hear that! Theres a man whos ridden only eight inches in all his lifeand he says he felt like a bird!
Perkins (aside). Yeslike a spring chicken split open for broiling. Next time I ride a wheel itll be four wheels, with a horse fastened in front. Oh my! oh my! I believe Ive broken my back too. [Lies down.
Bradley. You seem to be exhilarated, Thaddeus.
Perkins (bracing up). Oh, I am, I am. Never felt worsethat is, better.
Barlow. Come on, Brad. Ill show you the trick in two jiffiesitll relieve your worry about madam, too.
Bradley. Very wellI suppose theres no way out of it. Only let me know as soon as Emma arrives, will you?
Mrs. Perkins. Yeswe will.
[They go out. As they disappear through the door Thaddeus groans aloud.
Mrs. Perkins. Whywhat is the matter, dear? Are you hurt?
Perkins. Oh nonot at all, my love. I was only thinking of Mr. Jarleys indignation to-morrow when he sees the hole I made in his curb-stone with my ankleoh!ow!and as for my back, while I dont think the whole spine is gone, I shouldnt be surprised if it had come through in sections.
Mrs. Perkins. Why, you poor thingwhy didnt you say
Perkins (savagely). Why didnt I say? My heavens, Bess, what did you think I wanted the Ponds Extract forto drink, or to water the street with? O Lord! (holding up his arm). There arent any ribs sticking out, are there?
Barlow (outside). The other waytherethats ityouve got it.
Bradley (outside). Why, it is easy, isnt it?
Perkins (scornfully). Easy! That fellowd find comfort in
Barlow (outside). Now youre offnot too fast.
Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). Why, Thaddeus, hes going like the wind down the street!
Perkins. Heaven help him when he comes to the river!
Barlow (rushing in). Here we are in trouble again. Brads gone off on my wheel. Bobs taken his, and your tires punctured. He doesnt know the first thing about turning or stopping, and I cant run fast enough to catch him. One member of the family is in jailthe other on a runaway wheel!
[Yardsley appears at door. Assumes attitude of butler announcing guest.
Yardsley. Missus Willerby Awkins!
Enter Mrs. Bradley, hysterical.
Mrs. Bradley. Oh, Edward!
[Throws herself into Barlows arms.
Barlow (quietly). Excuse meahMrs. HawkinsahBradleybut Im notIm not your husband.
Mrs. Bradley (looking up, tragically). Wheres Edward?
Mrs. Perkins. Sit down, dearyou must be completely worn out.
Mrs. Bradley (in alarm). Where is he?
Perkins (rising and standing on one leg). Fact is, Mrs. Bradleywe dont know. He disappeared ten minutes ago.
Yardsley. What do you mean?
Mrs. Bradley. Disappeared?
Barlow. Yes. He went eastat the rate of about a mile a minute.
Mrs. Bradley. My husbandwent east? Mile a minute?
Perkins. Yes, on a bike. Yardsley, take me by the shawl-strap, will you, and help me over to that chair; my back hurts so I cant lie down.
Mrs. Bradley. Nedon a wheel? Why, he cant ride!
Barlow. Oh yes, he can. What Im afraid of is that he cant stop riding.
Bradley (outside). HiBarlowhelp!