You should ask the doctor.
She bristled. I am a doctor.
But not her doctor, he gently reminded.
She couldnt refute that, though she was licensed to practice in the state of California as well as several other states. Her teaching schedule required traveling and being hands-on in other E.R.s around the country. But out of respect for Mom G.s doctor, she said, Ill go find Dr. Kessler.
Josh stepped around the bed and placed a hand on her arm. You stay. Ill go find him.
Moved by his thoughtfulness, Rachel stared at his big, tanned hand where it rested against the lightweight blue fabric of her suit coat. Through the thin material, his warmth seeped into her skin. The touch evoked memories of younger days. Days when theyd been happy and in love, walking the school halls, side by side, Joshs arm casually draped about her shoulders or their fingers intertwined.
Days long gone.
All right. Anything to create distance between them.
Josh moved past her. His long legs carried him with confidence. As the door swung shut behind him, the room suddenly seemed lonely and cold even though the warmth of the sun streamed through the window. She rubbed her arm where his touch lingered and went to the chair where hed sat. Mom G. still slept. Rachel gathered one of the older womans hands in her own and with the other hand smoothed back a faded blond curl. Oh, Mom G., Im so sorry this is happening to you. But Im here now. Ill take care of you.
Oh, God. Please show me how to help her.
Unlike the doctors who couldnt save her mother, Rachel would do anything for Mom G. Even if that meant dealing with Josh, who was the last person she needed in her life. She had no intention of allowing the pain of the past to repeat itself.
Sure thing, Josh. Dr. Kessler set the chart in his hand down on the counter of the nurses station. Ill speak with her right now.
Thank you, Doctor. Josh liked the man and Mrs. G. trusted him.
Dr. Kessler stuck a pen into the breast pocket of his white coat. Are you coming?
No. Im going to get some coffee. He wasnt ready to see Rachel again just yet. Being near her, able to touch her, hear her voice after all these years had brought back so many memories of when they were teens. It was too much to deal with in such a short time.
As Dr. Kessler disappeared into the elevator, Josh headed for the hospital chapel. He slipped into a pew. The quiet serenity of the room eased some of the turmoil within.
Almost twelve years. Twelve years since shed walked out of his life, choosing her career, her dream of being a doctor, over their lovehis love.
I love you, Josh, but I cant stay. I have to do this.
As he ran a hand through his thick hair, jagged pain engulfed him. Pain as fresh now as it had been then. As it had been when he was fourteen and his mothers words to his father mirrored Rachels.
Sharon Taylor had decided being a mother and wife wasnt fulfilling enough. Shed left to pursue a career in the art world and never came back. Shed tried to contact Josh, had wanted to see him, but at fourteen, hed been too hurt, too angry to welcome her overtures. Hed hardened his heart to her and refused to listen when his father tried to talk to him about her. Josh could never accept his fathers claim that hed loved her enough to let her go. After a time shed stopped trying. And Josh tried to forget her.
It seemed the Taylor men were under a curse. Destined to love women who had no use for marriage, commitment or family.
Josh prayed fervently that when the time came, his son would find love with a woman committed to her family. A woman passionate about marriage and motherhood.
A woman nothing like Rachel Maguire.
He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead.
Hed forced his feelings for Rachel aside and moved on with his life. Hed married and had a son whom he loved beyond anything he thought possible.
Josh opened his eyes and glanced at his watch. School would let out soon. He hoped Griff remembered Grandpa was picking him up today. If he took the bus home, no one would be there. Thankfully Mrs. Gs surgery and subsequent critical condition hadnt happened a week later since summer vacation would start on Monday.
Until her sickness, Mrs. G. had watched Griff after school. But when Mrs. G. had gone into the hospital, Josh had made it a point to be home from work when his son got there. But today, with Mrs. G.s condition so critical, he needed to be at the hospital.
And now Rachel was here, too.
So much the same, yet so different. The once-pretty teen had grown into a beautiful woman. Her shoulder-length ebony hair framed her face and made the most of her startling blue eyes. He drew in a deep breath and could have sworn her scent clung to his clothes. She still smelled of a flowered meadow on a summers day. Fresh, alive and invigorating.
Thats what had first alerted him to her presence in the hospital room. The familiar and alluring scent of Rachel.
Contrary to what hed said, hed known she would return. He just hadnt realized how hard seeing her again would be. All the agony of having loved and lost, which hed hidden away, was simmering and working its way through his heart. He didnt like it one bit.
He didnt need to remind himself that he wasnt enough, that his love wasnt enough. The knowledge was branded across his soul.
Yet this Rachel was different. As a teen shed been warm and lively, full of laughter. Now she was so calmly cool and in control. She was like an exquisitely designed ice sculpture. Each angle and curve perfectly cut, the sleek and smooth surface beckoning to be touched. Yet to the one who dared, the scar of freezer burn would be their reward. This Rachel wasnt the woman hed fallen in love with all those years ago. He took comfort in that. Finally something that didnt remind him of the past.
Staring up at the window, he watched sunlight splinter through the various colors of the beautiful stained-glass cross. He wanted to pray for himself, wanted to lay his troubles at the feet of Jesus. But he couldnt. Oh, he could pray for othersMrs. G., Griff, his dad. Even strangers. But not himself.
Anger lay between him and Jesus like a desolate wasteland. No way around it, no way across it.
Abruptly he stood and walked away, leaving behind the chapel and the peace that God could offer.
He wound his way through the hospital to the cafeteria where he ordered two cups of coffee to go. Not knowing how Rachel took hers, he stuck packets of sugar and cream in his pocket. As the elevator doors opened and he stepped into the hall, he saw Rachel and Dr. Kessler talking outside Mrs. G.s door.
Josh walked forward, sympathy stirring as he watched Rachel pace, her arms wrapping and unwrapping about her middle. Her normally creamy complexion had gone pasty white and the small splattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose stood out in stark contrast. The agitation so obvious in her posture belied her coldness, and Josh fought the urge to enfold her in his arms. He approached, stopping a few paces away.
You cant rule out NDGA. Thereve been tremendous results with the use of chaparral tea in persons with cancerous tumors.
Im not denying that, Dr. Maguire. But I dont believe it will help Olivia.
Rachel stopped her pacing and glared at Dr. Kessler. But it could help. We have to at least try.
You cant rule out NDGA. Thereve been tremendous results with the use of chaparral tea in persons with cancerous tumors.
Im not denying that, Dr. Maguire. But I dont believe it will help Olivia.
Rachel stopped her pacing and glared at Dr. Kessler. But it could help. We have to at least try.
The best we can do for Olivia is make her comfortable.
The best we can do is make her better.
Shes entered the last stages. Even the chemos questionable at this point.
Sharp, ugly pain gripped Rachels insides. It was her mothers plight all over again. Everything they knew to do was being done, but they held little hope. Helplessness clawed its way to the surface. She wanted to cry, to find a dark place and curl into a tiny ball to escape this nightmare. She gritted her teeth and fought for composure. Mom G. needed her to be strong and she would be strong, because the alternative was breaking down in hysterics and that was unacceptable. There had to be hope. But youll continue with the chemo?
For now.
Then the tea could make her more comfortable.
A sad, patronizing smile touched Dr. Kesslers lips. Rachel wanted to scream. The man didnt get it. They couldnt just give up on Mom G.
All right, Dr. Maguire. Ill see what we can do about getting some chaparral tea.
The small victory did nothing to dispel the ache in Rachels heart. Deep down, she knew he was agreeing for her sake, not Mom G.s. But she didnt care if it meant Mom G. had a chance to live a little longer.
Now, if youll excuse me. Ill go check on Olivia. Dr. Kessler retreated into Mom G.s room.
Rachel stared at the closed door, feeling as though her universe had been knocked off-kilter. She should be the one checking on the patient, the one in control. But here, in this hospital, she was a loved one, not a doctor.
Rachel.
She braced herself and turned to find Joshs expressive hazel eyes regarding her with compassion. Her arms dropped to her sides and she resisted clenching her fists. She wouldnt let him see how scared and uncertain she felt. She didnt need his pity.
And his comfort would ultimately only harm her.
He held out a steaming cup of coffee and she relaxed slightly.
His square, blunt fingers engulfed the disposable cup and thin white scars stood out against his tanned skin. As she took the drink she noticed her own hand, the skin pale and smooth from years of being scrubbed and encased in rubber gloves. How different their lives had become.
The brush of his fingers scorched her skin. A splash of coffee wouldnt have been as hot. Or as painful. She steadied herself. Thank you. That was very thoughtful.
Just as she feared, his presence was comforting. Like a solid oak tree in a windstorm. Able to sway and bend but never break.
Youre welcome. He stuck his hand into the pocket of his casual khaki slacks and pulled out packets of sugar and cream. I didnt know
Black, she said, moved by his concern.
Josh returned the items to his pocket.
Rachel took a fortifying swig from the cup and savored the robust flavor, until the hot liquid hit her empty stomach with an acidic thud. She grimaced. Shed forgotten to eat again.
That bad, huh? Josh asked, his expression softening as he gave a small laugh.
She sucked in a quick breath and could only stare. This man standing before her may be the boy shed loved in high school but hed matured into an appealing man she didnt know. A man who made her want to believe a dancing hot flame could heal as well as harm.
And she had no intention of playing with fire, no matter how fascinating the blaze.
The moment stretched to an almost unbearable ache, then abruptly Josh asked, So, whats chaparral tea?
Rachel blinked, but took her cue and slipped easily into her professional demeanor. The tea leaves come from the creosote bush, which is found in the southwestern states. The healing properties of the tea have been used by Native Americans for centuries.
And the ND?
NDGAnordihydroguaiaretic. Its the proponent in the plant that seems to help in reducing cancerous mass.
You think this tea will help Mrs. G.?
Her poise slipped a notch as she stared down at her coffee. She wanted to believe it would help, but the doctor in her knew the chances at this point were slim to none, just as Dr. Kessler had said. But she refused to give up and reject anything that might help. She hated this feeling of helplessness.
She shrugged. At this point, its hard to know what will help and what wont.
Thats a typical doctor answer, he said with the slightest trace of teasing in his tone.
She glanced up. Pretty vague, huh?
The corners of his generous mouth tipped upward and he sipped from his coffee.
Habit, I suppose. As a doctor, you try not to give false hope or bad news before youre absolutely sure.
Rules of the trade, he remarked dryly.
I suppose.
They lapsed into silence again. Rachel drank from her cup and watched Josh. She tried to view him objectively. Adulthood had etched lines around his eyes, and the outdoors had weathered his skin to a burnished sheen. His broad shoulders looked as though they could carry heavy burdens. Sometimes she wished she had someone to share her load with, but her life didnt have room for sharing.
So, Rachel Josh broke the silence I hear you recently got a promotion.
She met his gaze, expecting to be assaulted by the disdain shed seen earlier, but his expression was curiously friendly, as if hed just asked if she liked rainbows and sunshine instead of probing at an old wound. A wound inflicted by the choice shed had to make.
Josh had offered her a different path, one so inviting that shed begun to doubt Gods plan for her life. But, no matter how tempting, it would have been selfish of her to choose Josh over what she knew to be her purpose. No matter how much it hurt.
Chapter Two
Yes. Yes, I did, Rachel replied, proud that her voice didnt betray her feelings.
Good for you.
Uncomfortable with the thought that hed discussed her with Mom G., she wondered what else he knew about her. He certainly didnt know what was between her and God. No one knew how emotionally crippled she was because of the way her mother had died. If anyone found out then she would be perceived as weak. And if she were viewed as weak then she wouldnt be able to achieve her goal of making sure her mother hadnt died in vain. No one would take her seriously. Ive worked extremely hard to get where I am.
The fast track to success, he stated, his voice devoid of inflection and his eyes now remote.
She narrowed her gaze. Im on the fast track. This recent promotion will be one of many. But its not about success. Its about changing the way things are done so no one else needlessly dies. My ultimate goal is to be chief of staff in a prestigious hospital where I can further the research in new and innovative triage techniques.
Thats certainly ambitious.
Thats the only way things get done.
He shrugged. Is being a doctor everything you thought it would be?
Irritation flared at his casually asked question. Shed had to make a tough choice all those years ago. Hed forced her to make the choice. It was all or nothing with him. Yes, I love being a doctor.