He nodded, but made no comment. He shouldnt be so calm and collected, not when her world was spinning out of her control. She wanted to shake a few leaves off his tree.
Its who I am. She couldnt help the defensiveness in her voice.
A tawny brow arched. Must be very fulfilling.
Whats that supposed to mean?
Anger stirred in his eyes. Nothing. A leaf fell.
Something inside Rachel made her want to pick a fight. Anything to distract herself from what lay ahead with Mom G. You obviously meant something by that remark, Josh. If youve something to say to me, then say it.
Youve changed, he stated matter-of-factly, his gaze assessing.
She almost smiled. Almost. The woman shed become was very different from the young girl whod left. What? Im not mousy like you remember?
You were never mousy.
She chose to ignore the compliment in his tone. My jobs very satisfying. Whats wrong with that?
Nothing. The tension visible in his jaw claimed he was far from the ambivalence suggested in his tone. But it doesnt leave much room for anything else, does it?
Ive never wanted anything else. She narrowed her gaze. Why are you still so angry?
Im not angry. His denial rang false. Leaves fell all over the place.
Yes, you are. She put voice to the suspicion shed always had. Youre angry not because I became a doctor, but because you didnt get what you wanted.
He looked her square in the eye, his expression derisive and taut. Youre right, Rachel. I didnt get what I wanted. I wanted you.
You didnt want me, she scoffed. You wanted a wife.
I wanted you to be my wife.
No, Josh. You wanted a cookie-cutter wife. Someone you could put in a box and mold to your specifications. And it didnt take you six months after I left to find one, did it? Her own anger and pain reared up, making her chest ache. That only proves how deep your undying love went, doesnt it?
He drew back. Hurtdesolate and unmistakabledarkened his hazel eyes. I did love you, Rachel.
He sounded sincere. But then, hed always sounded sincere. Oh, save it, Josh. Im not buying it this time.
What did you expect? You left and made it very clear you werent coming back. The sarcasm in his tone dug at her heart.
But I hadnt given up hope that wed work things out once I finished school. Hurt-filled tears burned behind her eyes, making her more angry that she was losing her control. Shaking her head, she admitted, I lay in my dorm room every night and agonized over my decision. Was being a doctor worth the risk of losing you? She gave a bitter laugh. But I never really had you.
Josh opened his mouth, but no words came. His perplexed expression galvanized her into adding, You never once checked on me. No phone call. No letters. Nothing.
He shook his head. I was hurt and angry, Rachel. You chose your dream of being a doctor over my love. I certainly didnt think you wanted to hear from me. His tone seethed with anger and resignation.
No, you were too busy planning your wedding. Thinking about the blonde whod been after him all through high school made her insides twist withjealousy? No, never. And hows dear Andrea?
A spasm of pain, or perhaps guilt, crossed his features. Andreas dead. He stepped around her and walked toward the elevators.
Shock doused her anger like a swollen rain cloud emptying itself. Oh, no. Sympathy and regret tore through her, and she hurried after him. Wait. Im sorry. I didnt know.
He jabbed his finger on the elevator call button. Not your problem.
She reached out, wishing she could retract her words. Josh reared away as if she were contaminated. Stung, she let her hand drop to her side. Feeling small and petty, she said softly, Im truly sorry.
The elevator doors opened and he stepped in. He turned and stared at her, his eyes cold with fury and his face a hard mask of stone. An oak tree never looked so intimidating.
Josh, please, she implored, wanting somehow to make amends.
He looked away and the elevator doors slid shut in her face, leaving her alone.
Should she go after him?
Rachel took a deep, shuddering breath. Her unruly tongue had caused enough damage for one day. Leaving Josh alone and staying as far away from him as possible while she was in town was the best thing she could do for himand herself.
Andrea was dead.
Compassion filled her heart to overwhelming proportions. She ached for what Josh had lost. His wife, his helpmate, his dream.
How long ago had Andrea died? How did she die? Did they have children? Goose bumps of remorse tightened Rachels skin.
Years ago, shed made it clear to Mom G. the subject of Josh and his bride was off-limits. She hadnt wanted her assumptions of his picture-perfect life confirmed. How arrogant shed been.
The resentment shed used to close off the pain of Joshs marriage deteriorated, exposing her to fresh wounds.
Slowly she walked back down the hall, rubbing away the goose bumps from her arm.
How had Josh taken the news of Andreas death? Had he been with her at the end? Or had he been at work and received a call? How had the doctor told him? With compassion? Coldness? Understanding? Detachment?
The questions plagued her mind. And she welcomed them as she stopped in front of Mom G.s door. As painful as it was, thinking about Josh kept her from worrying about Mom G.
Rachel leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.
Lord, why does life have to hurt so badly?
She hoped, when all was said and done, shed have enough mortar left in her to repair the crumbling wall around her heart.
Dr. Maguire?
Rachels eyelids jerked open. She pushed away from the wall. Dr. Kessler?
He smiled kindly, his big gray eyes peering at her through his glasses. Olivias asking for you.
Relief surged in her chest. Howhow is she?
Holding her own for the moment.
Relief gave way to a dull ache at the words meant to give comfort but not false hope. She nodded her thanks and stepped into the room. Her footsteps faltered slightly as she approached the bed.
A nurse hovered over Mom G. For a panicked moment Rachel feared something was wrong, that she wouldnt have a chance to tell Mom G. how much she loved her, how much she appreciated her.
The nurse straightened and moved away, a reassuring smile on her face. Rachel resumed walking, her heart rate slowing to normal. As she reached the bedside, Mom G.s eyes opened and she smiled. Im so happy to see you.
Rachel winced at how weak and breathless her mother sounded. Taking her hand, Rachel held on tight. Im sorry I wasnt here sooner. She wanted to say she should have been called right away but she didnt want to lay guilt on Mom G. It would serve no purpose.
Youre here, now. Theres so much to say before
Dont even go there, Rachel interjected. Were going to make you well. Im going to make you well.
Mom G. shook her head. Im dying, dear. We must accept that.
Nooo! Tears clogged her throat. She didnt like constantly being on the verge of tears. Even when shed bounced from foster home to foster home, shed never been this scared or so close to the breaking point. She wanted to draw into herself as shed done as a child. But she couldnt. Mom G. needed her. And she needed Mom G.
Nooo! Tears clogged her throat. She didnt like constantly being on the verge of tears. Even when shed bounced from foster home to foster home, shed never been this scared or so close to the breaking point. She wanted to draw into herself as shed done as a child. But she couldnt. Mom G. needed her. And she needed Mom G.
Rachel, please, dont cry. Lets use this time as best we can.
Rachel wiped at the tears unceremoniously slipping down her cheeks. She nodded. There was so much to say. I love you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I wouldnt be who I am today if you hadnt taken me in.
Mom G. squeezed her hand. I hadnt ever planned on having kids, but when I was asked if Id take on one childI prayed and God urged me to say yes. I remember the first time I saw you. So skinny and scared. And you tried so hard not to show it. Now look at you. Youre a grown woman and a wonderful doctor. Just like youd planned. Are you happy, Rachel?
Taken off guard by the questionsurely Mom G. knew how much medicine meant to herRachel nodded. Of course.
Mom G.s eyes narrowed. Really? For a long time Ive had the sense that somethings missing from your life. Youve never talked about a man, or friends, even. Your phone conversations are always about your work. Work cant be the only thing in your life, Rachel.
Its not. I But try as she may, she couldnt come up with an example. She worked six, sometimes seven days a week. Her apartment was small and cozy, but not a place shed feel comfortable inviting anyone to visit. When she wasnt working she went to movies by herself or rented videos. She attended a Bible study through her church, but outside of class, she didnt socialize with any of the other participants.
When she wasnt knee-deep in research, sometimes shed go to the library and read the latest medical journals and texts. Occasionally shed dated. Thered been a fellow med student in school and a real nice guy from church a while ago, but over the years she hadnt met anyone she particularly wanted to pursue a relationship with. Besides, she didnt have time for men. Her life was the way she wanted it. No attachments. No hassles. No pain.
Have you seen Josh? Mom G. asked.
Yes. Remembering their meeting made her skin heat with embarrassment. Shed acted very badly, nothing like how shed expected to act. Calm and cool, showing him that he couldnt affect her, which was how shed dreamed their reunion would be. He was here when I arrived.
Mom G.s expression became wistful. It seems like only yesterday I was watching you go off to the prom with him. You two made such a handsome couple.
A shiver of vivid recollection raced through Rachel. Her beautiful dress, Joshs tux. The excitement, the anguish. I havent thought about that night in years.
The king and the queen of the ball, Mom G. teased lightly.
Rachel laughed, remembering the almost giddy feeling shed had when theyd placed the gold crown on her head. It was a perfect evening. At first.
That was the night Josh proposed.
Rachel slid her gaze away from the intense look in Mom G.s eyes. Her mind burned with the unwanted memories of that night. Josh had looked so handsome wearing that crown. Theyd been dancing when hed pulled her out onto the balcony and asked her to be his wife.
Shed been torn between her love for him and the path God had chosen for her. At the time she naively thought she could have both. Shed asked Josh for time, for him to be patient. Had expected theyd find a way to work it out that she could become a doctor and his wife.
But when it came down to accepting his proposal and his condition of staying in Sonora or the full scholarship to Northwestern, shed chosen medicine because her soul would die if she didnt.
At that moment shed known that Gods plan for her didnt include the kind of love shed have only with Josh.
That was a long time ago and has no bearing on my life now.
Sadness filled Mom G. eyes. Ive respected your wish not to talk about him. But, dear, we need to have this talk.
Why?
Because I love you both.
Rachel drew in a deep breath. Shed learned long ago it was better to meet a challenge head on rather than flee from it. All right, if thats what you wish. She didnt want to have this conversation while standing. She sat down. I know about Andrea.
Mom G.s eyes widened. Then youve talked with Josh.
A little.
Mom G. shook her head; her wispy blond hair stuck to the pillow. Such a waste.
Howhow did she? Rachel wanted to know, yet she knew sometimes there was protection in ignorance.
Mom G. pursed her lips. An awful, awful car accident.
Rachel winced in sympathy. She shuddered slightly and suppressed the image of the last car accident victim she hadnt been able to save. It must have been hard on Josh.
Oh, honey, it was in so many ways. Mom G. stared into space for a heartbeat then turned to Rachel. Do you have someone in your life?
She blinked. Uhyou mean a man?
Are you involved in a relationship?
No.
I didnt think so. Good. Mom G. seemed to relax.
Rachel narrowed her eyes. What do you mean good?
Mom G. gripped Rachels hand tight. Is your hope still in Jesus?
Rachel gently patted the frail hand encased within her own. Yes, my hopes in Jesus. Hes my strength. You showed me thatyou and Josh.
Mom G. nodded. God loves you.
I know. Hes blessed me greatly. He brought me to you. Without Him and you in my life Idbe lost. Im doing what He wants with my life.
Mom G.s brows drew together. But He wants so much more for you.
More? Shed tried to have more once and shed ended up with nothing but pain. Loving was a risk she was no longer willing to take. She shook her head. I have everything I need. There couldnt possibly be more.
What about love? Arent you lonely?
Mom G.s words struck a cord within Rachel. She tugged at her bottom lip, loath to admit that there had been times over the years shed watched couples, families, and felt an ache she couldnt explain. Was it loneliness?
Maybe.
But loneliness was a small price to pay to fulfill Gods plan and to protect her heart.
My lifes very full. I might not have as many friends as I could Rachel frowned at the direction of her thoughts. Friends couldnt help in her quest to change emergency room procedures. I just dont have time for relationships.
Dont grow old alone. Believe me, its not fun.
Guilt reached up and slapped Rachel. Im sorry I havent been here for you.
Mom G. touched Rachels cheek. No, honey, you had to do what you needed to do. I regret that I never remarried after Frank died. I dont want you to make the same mistake.
Rachel nuzzled into the touch. She hadnt known Mr. Green. Hed been gone long before shed come to live with Mom G. His picture graced the nightstand in Mom G.s bedroom. Ill be fine, I promise, Rachel assured her.
Dont you think youd be better with Josh in your life?
Rachel schooled her features. She didnt want Mom G. to know how upsetting she found the subject of Josh. She didnt want her to know she still hurt deep inside her heart, in a far corner she pretended didnt exist.