If hed been around more often, he would have realised that I was only usually out in mid-afternoon when I needed a break, unless I crept out to the church gates for ten minutes for a sneaky wedding fix when I heard the bells peal out
Helping to sort out Blessings is just a temporary thing and were having fun! I said. I rang Sophy Winter up and asked her advice on cleaning and renovating old properties, because shes done wonders with Winters End since she inherited. She was very helpful. And her great-aunt Hebe is a friend of Dorries, so when she heard what was happening she sent Libby a big jar of her home-made beeswax polish. Wasnt that kind?
I cant see the elegant Mrs Elizabeth Cazzini getting her hands dirty. Youll end up doing it all yourself.
There you do her an injustice, I said indignantly, Libbys never minded hard work. She went straight out and bought overalls and ordered the cleaning materials Sophy advised from a specialist firm called Stately Solutions. I didnt mention the several pairs of thin cotton and latex gloves, with which Libby intended to protect her immaculate nails. Dolly Mops, that cleaning agency from Ormskirk, sent a team round to give the modern wing a good going-over, but Sophy advised us to do the rest ourselves. And she knew someone who could come and repaint the plaster walls with whatever authentic gunge they needyou cant just slap vinyl emulsion on them.
Oh, well, I suppose its only a week or two, and I expect youll both have fun doing it up and planning the wedding and everything, he said, his usual good nature returning. Now Ive got this studio space in Camden Im bound to be away more, so it will be good that youve got company.
While I was pleased to see Ben slowly warming to the idea of Libbys permanent presence on the Neatslake scene, this last statement dismayed me.
Away more? I thought the stuido was just for storage, because it would be easier than moving your work up and down between here and London in the van. Are you going to paint there too?
Probably just finishing things off. Ill still do most of it here. But the artists at the studios are forming themselves into a group to exhibit together, the Camdenites, and they want me to join them.
Ben, I said, dismayed, at this rate we might as well both move down there and use the cottage as a weekend retreat!
Dont be silly, you know we both love it here and its where my inspiration comes from. Its only networking, exhibiting and selling my stuff that takes me to London. Now my names really getting known, I have to strike while the irons hot. But this will always be my home, and actually, when Im in London, I love the idea of you up here waiting for me and everything going on just as usual.
I suppose youre right, I said, slightly mollified, and I do see what you mean about striking while the irons hot. But I dont actually hate London and its always nice to catch up with Russell and Mary, so I think, although I got out of the habit of coming with you after Harry had that fall, I should get back into it again!
But thats easier said than done, isnt it? I do understand that you cant leave Neatslake at present. Its not like Harry can be left alone to look after things any more, and the garden would run to seed now hes too frail to do much. Besides, what about the Three Graces, not to mention Josies Weird and Wonderful Cakes?
I sighed. I knowits all so difficult! I love my life here and I dont want to go away. Its just I dont want us to be apart so much, either.
Itll get better soon, youll see, he said easily. When Im a big name, I can paint anywhere and people will come to me to buy my work, not the other way round.
I suppose so, and its some consolation to know we have friends you can stay with. How are Russell and Mary?
In the days when the three of them were at the Royal College of Art and I was looking after us all and working in a nearby florists, learning how to torture innocent flowers into bouquets and wreaths, wed all been good friends and shared seedy digs together. Now theyre married and have a ground-floor flat in Camden, and they put Ben up in the spare room.
Theyre fine, he said, suddenly looking a bit shifty and evasive. After all these years I recognise the signs.
I narrowed my eyes. And?
And what?
And the restwhatever it is that you dont want to tell me.
For a moment he stared blankly at me.
Come on, Ben, tell me the awful truth. You havent fallen out with Russell and Mary, have you? Weve known them so long and its been really useful being able to stay with them.
No, I havent fallen out with them, but they may not be able to put me up much longer because theyll want their spare room themselves. He got up and put his arms around me. Marys expecting. She says its all due to some herbal stuff shes been taking, but I suspect its more because they ran out of money for further IVF treatment, and the pressure was off a bit.
Expecting? I held him off, gazing up into his face, which looked anxious and concerned. You mean, it worked?. What kind of herbal stuff?
Something she got from a Chinese practitioner, though I really dont see how a few dried plants brewed up into a tea could make any difference, Josie.
Well, something obviously did! How pregnant is she?
About three months. I only just found out, but I didnt want to tell you because I knew you would be upset.
Im not upset, I lied, since I certainly was. And also, I was ashamed to find, jealousplus deeply hurt that Mary hadnt told me about the Chinese herbalist, when she knew how desperately I wanted a baby, too. Im really pleased for them, but surprised Mary didnt phone and tell me herself.
I expect she wanted to wait a bit before she told anyone this time.
Mary had been pregnant twice after IVF treatment and lost the babies at the twelve-week stage, so that would be quite understandable.
This Chinese medicineI wonder where she I began.
Bens arms tightened around me. Forget it, Josie. Whats meant to be, will be.
I held him off and snapped, Thats all very well, but maybe it was meant to be that I consult a Chinese herbalist too! Had you thought of that?
Now, darling, dont start getting upset about it. I knew this would rake it all up again, he said, stroking my back in a would-be comforting way that didnt quite cut the mustard this time. My biological clock had been ticking so loudly lately that he must have felt he was being followed around by the crocodile in Peter Pan.
Were happy just as we are really, arent we? he added soothingly.
Yes, but that doesnt mean we cant make the attempt to have a family, does it, Ben? I mean, without getting obsessed by it, we could at least explore all the avenues before giving up!
Not for the first time I suspected that, whatever he said, Ben liked being the centre of my world and didnt want to share it with anyone, even children (or my one close friend, Libby). Like a big cuckoo chick in a nest, really
I wondered if all hugely talented artists were that egocentric.
Not for the first time I suspected that, whatever he said, Ben liked being the centre of my world and didnt want to share it with anyone, even children (or my one close friend, Libby). Like a big cuckoo chick in a nest, really
I wondered if all hugely talented artists were that egocentric.
Ben gave me another squeeze and then, obviously considering the matter closed, sat back down in the rocking chair, his long legs stretched out in front of him. Changed back into old, worn jeans and sweatshirt, his light brown hair tousled, he was the Ben I knew and loved, rather than the distinctly smarter London version who had returned to me earlier that day, but it still didnt stop me feeling exasperated with him.
Its so good to be home, he said with a sigh. Im shattered. At least here no one expects anything of me and I can just sink back into my groove. But then he sat up again as a thought struck him. UnlessLibbys not staying with us, is she?
No, she moved into Blessings the day after the viewing.
He subsided again. Thats what I saidfast worker!
Of course, I phoned Mary as soon as I had a minute to myself, to congratulate her and, if truth were told, to find out all about the Chinese herbalist.
This is such great news, Mary! I dont know how you managed to keep it to yourself for so long.
Well, I would have told Ben sooner only
I know, I broke in sympathetically, you wanted to hug it to yourself for a while, make sure everything was going well, didnt you? I suppose that explained why shed been a bit distant and reluctant to talk to me for ages too.
Yes, there was an element of that until I was at the three-month stage, she admitted, but also I felt so sick all the time, which was a bit distracting, though thats better now. Just as well, because Ill have to go on teaching as long as I can. The two courses of IVF we paid for meant we had to increase our mortgage, so we still need my income coming in. But afterwards, Russell and I will have to arrange our classes so that one of us can baby-sit while the other is teaching.
They both lecture part time and since Marys are mostly evening classes, that should work well.
I bet Russells delighted!
Ohyes. And relieved, I think. She gave an embarrassed laugh. Its only now it actually looks as if I will have this baby that I realise quite how obsessed Ive been with it. Its lucky weve managed to come through it all as a strong couple.
I thought youd given up any thought of getting pregnant after the last attempt.
Oh, no! I had to give up the IVFit was way too expensive and the whole regime of drugs and stuff very invasivebut I never gave up hope.
Ben said you were taking a kind of herbal medicine? I prompted.
Yes, she said eagerly, about a year ago Olivia told me about a Chinese herbalist who specialised in infertility problems, so we went together, for courage.
Olivia?
There was a pause, and then Mary said, Oh, shes a fairly new friend you havent met. But shes in her early forties so she was getting even more desperate than I was. Anyway, we were given this rather foul concoction to take three times a day, plus recommendations to balance our yin and yang and stuff like that.
And do you think thats what did the trick?
I honestly dont know. It might have been just the relaxing part of it that was crucial, though, goodness knows, we were relaxed enough when we were first married and nothing ever happened thenand we were both younger, so it should have been easier to get pregnant.
And what happened to your friend? Did it work for her too?
Well, thats the amazing thing. She fell pregnant about a fortnight after I did! But again, who knows whether it was because she stopped trying so hard or due to the healthy regime and the medicine?
Who knew, indeedbut it sounded at least worth a try!
Mary, do you think you could give me the contact details for this herbalist? Its all natural, isnt it?
I havent got them by me, but you can look her up on the internet, she said, and I jotted down the name.
Thanks, Mary.
Are you sure you want to try it? she asked. Its very expensive, though not on the scale of IVF treatment, obviously. And pregnancy does change things. Ben said to me once that he really didnt mind that you hadnt had children because he liked you just to himself, the two of you, and having a family would have changed the dynamics of the relationship.
Ben said that? I thought about it. Hes always gone along with me when Ive said I wanted children, but youre right, hes never actually been bothered by them not coming along, except on my account. But then, I suppose Ive always gone along with things hes felt strongly about in the end, like his going all anti-marriage, even when it upset Granny. She would have loved to have seen me married.
Ben does dig his heels in about things sometimes, Mary agreed, and then he never changes his mind. Not that Ive seen much of him the last few months. I She broke off. Sorry, thought I heard Russell come in. What was I saying?
That youd hardly seen Ben lately, but I suppose hes pretty busy when hes down, especially now hes taken on studio space. I take it you are one of the Camdenites too?
Yes. Some of my big sculptural ceramic pieces are going into the first exhibition. Its all looking very promising, though in a way were all currently riding on the coat-tails of Bens success.
I dont think he sees it that wayweve all been friends so long. And its been kind of you to let us use your spare room. I know I havent visited for ages, but its a relief knowing that Bens staying with friends when hes down in the Big Smoke. But I expect youre going to turn it into a nursery soon, arent you, so hell have to find himself another place to stay?
Iyes, she said, and then added hurriedly, Look, Ive left something on the stove, Ill have to go. But its been lovely talking to you, Josie.
Yes, we really should I began, but I was talking to empty air.
What shed said about Ben not being that keen on the idea of children really crystallised what Id long suspected myself. He would have accepted it, had it happened, but that was as far as he was prepared to go. And that wasnt far enough.
It would be terribly devious if I did something about it behind Bens back, but it didnt stop me looking up that website. Mary was right about the expense, but then, we had money in the bank, some of it earned by my cake business, not just from Bens work. And the regime seemed to involve a healthy diet and destressing more than anything, which could only be good.
It was surely worth a try? And if babies changed the dynamics of a relationship, it was in a good way, so if anything came of it, I expected Ben would get used to it. Hed have to.
As I started to bake the first in a series of small, round dark fruitcakes from which to construct the wedding cake of Libbys dreams, I kept wondering if the Chinese medicine had really been what had made the difference to Mary, or if it was just coincidenceor even hope and positive thinking?
It was an exciting prospect, though. All aspects of my life seemed to be exciting lately!