MICHAEL ALEXANDER
Confessions of a School Nurse
The Friday Project
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
This ebook first published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2015
Copyright © Michael Alexander 2015
Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2015
Michael Alexander asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
FIRST EDITION
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
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Source ISBN: 9780007586424
Ebook Edition © April 2015 ISBN: 9780007586417
Version: 2015-04-30
To Mum and Dad
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Disclaimer
PROLOGUE
A Taste
The first day
Marcuss jewels
Chapter One: The Transition
Luke
Learning the basics
Agent trouble
Taking the lead
Basketball
Checklist
Chapter Two: Sex and Education
The talk
Girl talk
Teaching the teachers
Kurt and Rachel
Night-time wanderings
The sex side of things
The crush
Using your assets
Long weekends
Veronika
Consent
Dilemma
Chapter Three: School Nursing
Itch
Sores
The real deal
Parents worst nightmare
Type I
Gravity
Breathless
Francesca
Break-a-bone season
Caio and Celeste
Igor
The staff
Foodies
Priorities
Payback
When the fun goes bad
Chapter Four: The Internet
Swine Flu
The Iliac Crest?
Reply all
Freddy
Electric friends
Chapter Five: Drugs
Getting your buzz on
A testing time
Jimmy
Rubens demons
Kate and Kelly
Chapter Six: Counselling
Ameena
Rocket man
Niko
Celine
Girlfriend woes
Chapter Seven: In Loco Parentis
Naif
David
Edward
Rich personalities
Expulsion
Maria
Enrolment by default
The Ivan effect
Fun in the sun
EPILOGUE
Graduation
The grand finale
Acknowledgements
Confessions of a School Nurse is part of the bestselling Confessions series.
About the Author
Also by Michael Alexander
About the Publisher
Disclaimer
The stories described in this book are based on my experiences working as a school nurse in boarding schools over the past ten years. To protect confidentiality, some parts are fictionalised and all places and names are changed, but nonetheless they remain an honest reflection of the variety and crazy goings-on witnessed during a decades worth of school nursing surprising as that might come to seem!
PROLOGUEA Taste
Marcus made sure no one was sitting near the door before closing it.
Its really personal, he whispered to me over his shoulder.
It has to be a guy, hed insisted when he arrived at the bustling nurses office. Most requests of this nature are girls asking to see a female nurse; though this was only my first week in the role, Marcus was the first student to ask to see a man, so my mind went into overdrive imagining the ways in which I could impart my knowledge in a reassuring, helpful manner to a young man in obvious need.
As Marcus turned from the door to face me, his hands delved into the front of his pants. He wasnt in uniform; he wore loose track pants instead. I got the feeling than an inspection of that area was on the horizon. He refused a seat, so I asked him what the problem was.
You wont tell anyone? he answered.
Of course I wont tell anyone, just explain whats wrong.
Theyre sore. My nuts are sore. And the left one seems bigger.
Ah!
I could either take a look at Marcus now, or wait for him to be seen at the local doctors office. I chose the latter. There was no need for the poor lad to be exposing himself more than necessary. Its not that Dr Fritz wouldnt have trusted my judgment, but theres more to feeling someones nuts than the average guy thinks. Is there a lump? Does it move freely? Is it attached to the testicle? Is the spermatic cord twisted? It would be up to Dr Fritz to decide what to do whether it would require an urgent scan today or was something that could wait so he would need to examine the lad properly. And besides, this environment wasnt ideal for an intimate examination; the south wall of my office was made of glass, a window that looked out upon the mountains and a large terrace a window with no curtain.
But Marcus was too quick for me.
You have to see them, he declared, whipping his pants down. Looking up, he gave a short scream.
No students were on the terrace, but Mrs Driscoll, the headmasters wife, was there with what looked like a prospective family admiring the view.
Despite the incident, the prospective girl did enroll. Rumour has it she insisted.
Now dont worry, Ill get back to Marcuss nuts in a minute, but before I do, let me tell you how I came to be here on this snowy mountain.
The first day
Why did I become a school nurse?
At the age of 32, I was a skilled professional with more than ten years experience working in England and New Zealand. I was a highly trained emergency specialist, who had worked in some of the biggest hospitals and busiest departments in the world, and the money wasnt too bad. Why would I leave all of that? At that time, school nursing didnt even seem like real nursing to me.
But, I needed a healthier lifestyle. Thirty pounds an hour sounds great at first, but the irregular night shifts one on, one off, two on then one off it ruins you. Thats what temp or agency nursing is about in London; you take the work when you can, even if that means spending your weekends with a bunch of drunks, dealing with abuse and violence, as well as the two-hour commute to and from the hospital. Id chosen that life, but its not doable long term, and besides, there was a much bigger factor at play. My partner and I were expecting our first child, and I wanted a safe, healthy environment in which to raise my family.
My choice seemed simple, go back to my homeland, New Zealand, and get my old job back, or find work somewhere in Europe that had regular hours, no drunks, no night shifts, no underground and clean air. I didnt feel that going back to New Zealand to work in a regular ward or a small emergency department was right for me, especially as my partner had never even been to my hometown, and we both wanted to stay close to her family for our first child.