No, sorry, I was using partner in its old pre-permissive sense. Their union has much to do with Mammon and nothing at all with Hymen.
No need to talk dirty. Any road, I owe him twenty quid. Mebbe if I gave it to you, you could pass it on?
Happily. But better still, Im having a little get-together tomorrow lunchtime. Tom Parker has persuaded me that the Avalon ought to play a major role in this Festival of Health hes organizing to launch the hotel. Were meeting together, some of my staff and his alternative therapists, to make sure we all understand our roles. Afterwards therell be drinks and snacks and therell be a few other people there to help things swing along. Id be delighted if you could join us, and if you did, then you could repay your own debt, couldnt you? Im a great believer in a man repaying his own debts; that in some ways is what my work is all about. So, wont you come?
Ill think about it.
Excellent. Nice to talk with you, Mr Dalziel. About one oclock. Petula will show you the way.
Handy little gadget this. Didnt realize Id left it running when I shoved it in my pocket after Festerwhanger tapped at the door. Its picked up every word him and me said.
Dead sensitive, like me!
Not that hiding it fooled old weasel-eyes. I reckon hed been listening at the door for a couple of minutes afore he knocked. Played it back to be sure and there it was, red meat on my plate. Coincidence? Mebbe. But Ill take more care from now on. Simplest would be to toss the bloody thing into the sea. But, fair dos, it could be the buggers on to something with this talking to myself thing. Admit it, Dalziel, your bollocks might be back to twitch mode, but youre still not right in your head, not while you keep having these funny dreams about talking to God!
Mebbe its that post-menstrual traumatic sin thing they go on about these days. Likely theres a lot of it about in a place like this, so no wonder if Ive caught a dose.
Any road, if yakking about it helps, nowt wrong with yakking. But Im definitely not going to spill my guts to yon Yankee wanker!
Jesus, there it goes again. Knock knock knock. Whos there, in the name of Beelzebub? All right, Im coming. Thered be less traffic living on Scotch Corner roundabout.
Oh, hello, matron.
Sorry to disturb you, Mr Dalziel, but Dr Feldenhammer said you were having some problem with your diet.
Only problem is seeing it, luv. Im a growing lad. I need fettling.
I wont argue with you there. Can I be frank with you, Mr Dalziel?
Long as it dont involve dressing up in leather.
You have a large frame, and I can understand your desire to fill it again. But this might be a good time to take stock and ask yourself if you really want to put back on all the weight you lost during your recent unfortunate experience.
How do you know how much I weighed before?
We have your medical records. No one comes to the Avalon without a complete legend.
So Im a legend, am I? Ill tell you what, luv. You fatten me up till I reach what you think is my legendary shape, then well see how we get on from there, OK?
That sounds reasonable. Now I gather Im to escort you to Dr Feldenhammers lunch meeting tomorrow.
If youre Petula, thats right, matron.
Yes, that is my name. My title incidentally isnt matron. I am Head of Nursing Care and usually Im addressed as Mrs Sheldon.
But I bet youre undressed as Pet, right? Nay, dont look offended, not when youve got such a bonny smile. Thats better. Lets start again. If were going out together, Im going to call you Pet. And if youre going to get me back to my proper shape, you can call me Adonis. But Andy will do if youre worried about folk talking.
Andy it is. Will you be up to walking to the clinic, Andy? Or shall I bring a chair for you?
Ee, I do love a cheeky woman. Now, if youll excuse me, I fancy a shower. Dont suppose youd like to come in with me? Ive got these muscle pains when I try to scrub my back.
Im sorry to hear that, Andy, but it would be more than my jobs worth.
Oh, I think I could guarantee that, Pet.
Whos a big mouth then? One little twitch when the beautiful Stiggis straddling your bum and youre making like Don Juan! And it were only a few days back you were thinking that lass would have made a good concentration camp warder! Funny how feeling better changes your view of folk. Reminds me of summat Pete Pascoe once said when I wanted to haul someone into the Factory for questioning. Lets start him off at home, he said. Once you feel like a prisoner, everyone looks like a guard.
Clever clogs were right, as per usual! I dont feel like a prisoner any more and I can see yon Pets not a bad-looking woman, specially now Ive got her to crack her face.
Time for that shower. Whats that, Mildred? Better make it a cold one?
Just for that youre going back in the cistern!
Over and out!
14
FROM: charley@whiffle.com TO: cassie@natterjack.com SUBJECT: the hunk & his handle!Hi!
Really pleased to hear from you was getting worried but not as worried as I would have been if Id known! No nothing on the news here small African hospital under mortar fire no one dead doesnt hit the headlines. Just as well maybe for mum & dads sake I mean saves a lot of brick walls from being banged!
Anyway I feel real guilty lounging around here in what must be the safest healthiest place in the world boring you with my rustic rollickings! But you say it helps keep you on an even keel knowing theres still places like sleepy little Sandytown in the world so heres the next exciting episode!
Or rather the next several episodes each centred on a man just so you dont get the impression youve got exclusive rights!
First Teddy the hunk with the handle literally! as I have seen & you will hear!
Weather was so warm today I thought Id head for the beach see if it had improved since the famous trip!
Tom was too busy to join me thank heaven I wanted to swim not talk or rather listen! He said this was the day hed fixed for Mr Godley the healer to drive over & take a look at the set-up in Sandytown & he hoped Id be back in time to meet him as he knew how it would help with my study which Im finally making a bit of progress with. Remembering how Godly Gordon took against me first time we met I dont anticipate much encouragement there but of course I said I hoped so too.
One other thing Tom said rather awkwardly for him was re the meeting at the Avalon Charlotte as it is mainly nay solely concerned with the alternative therapists we that is Lester Feldenhammer & myself deemed it unnecessary to invite Lady Denham so should you chance into her company it might be diplomatic not to say anything about it!
Playing with fire there Tom I thought. But I was rather flattered to find myself part of a Sandytown conspiracy so I said no bother! & my reward was that big boyish smile.
The kids were off doing their own thing somewhere so I didnt have to offer to take them which was a relief. My dip in the hotel pool had whetted my appetite for a real swim not paddling around in the shallows keeping an eye on young Parkers.
So off I went cozzie on under a wrap towel over my shoulder.
Only a fifteen minute walk down into the village might take a bit longer coming back up the hill I thought but sufficient is the evil remember?
Met quite a few people who said hello more than Im likely to meet in Willingden being Tom Parkers guest gets you on the social register big time!
The beach was pretty crowded. School hols lots of families an ice cream van a burger stall deck chairs all the usual stuff for screwing money out of people. I guessed the Hope & Anchor was doing pretty good business too. All in all Sandytown looks like its booming. Good news for the Consortium Tom delighted because the prosperity gets shared around Lady D because she sees her investment paying out big.
Mary in her oblique way has made it quite clear that civic responsibility doesnt figure large in Lady Ds world view. Profits the thing. With her own family money plus the Hollis fortune she could lounge her life away in luxury. But a lots never enough for the rich. She wants even more!
Sorry boring!
But you can wake up now. Im getting close to the beach & the hunk!
Like I say it was crowded so I wandered along to the furthest extreme of the bay marked by a rocky outcrop running out into the sea from the foot of North Cliff. You could probably get round the end of this at low tide but now with the tide well up tho retreating it created a bit of a barrier reinforced by a sign on a steel post driven into the rock which warned NO PUBLIC ACCESS PRIVATE BEACH.
This was just the kind of thing the HB would have erected! So naturally I went scrambling up there without a moments hesitation!
From the top of the outcrop I found myself looking down on to another bay much smaller than Sandytowns but also a lot emptier. In fact there were only four people there & I wasnt too surprised to see they were Lady Denham Teddy & his sister & Clara Brereton.
The younger ones were wearing swimming costumes Clara a polka dot bikini that showed her boobs & bum to advantage slender she might be but even malice couldnt call her skinny. Lovely pale skin dont know what sunblock she uses but its worth every penny to keep that lovely pearly glow probably bathes in asses milk every morning. Stopped feeling sorry for her even if she does have to skivvy for Lady D!
Esther was in a black one piece revealing she was no frump either though while Claras charms asses milk apart look all natural I guess Ests are the best money could buy.
Miaow!
Mind I had to look at her twice because sitting at Lady Ds feet looking up at the old bat & listening to her with every sign of interest & pleasure it was hard to recognize the sourpuss Id encountered the previous day no once again I was put in mind of the sweaty laughing girl Id seen at the Bengel-bar disco.
Her ladyship was naturally enthroned in a canvas directors chair with the others naturally occupying rugs on the sand.
Teddy yes Im getting to the meat of my tale was sprawled alongside Clara almost but not quite touching looking up at her with what even at a distance I recognized as hot bedroom eyes. She was sitting on her haunches holding her two yards of shapely leg close to her body as if scared any relaxation would invite an immediate assault on her pudenda though whether it was concern for her honour or awareness of Lady Ds proximity that kept her virtuous I couldnt tell.
& Teddy the bart? Im happy to say he isnt one of those prezzies where the wrapping promises more than the gift. Long lean as beautifully brown as Clara is gorgeously white all of his contours muscle enough hair on his chest to be interesting but well this side of apish in short or indeed at length a dish.
I was going to beat a retreat but drinking in Teddys delights objectively! kept me there longer than I meant & suddenly Lady Ds beady eyes clocked me.
Theres someone there she boomed damn cheek!
They all looked then Teddy rose to his feet one movement like a panther except they dont stand on the hind legs do they? but you know what I mean! He cried out its Charley! hey Charley come on down here & join us!
Might have made an excuse & left but I saw Sister Esthers face congeal from dimpling attentiveness to pack-ice mode & that did it!
Hi I said scrambling down didnt mean to intrude but the beach back there is absolutely packed
Bit of an exaggeration but without thinking Id pushed the right button for Lady D to whom bodies on the beach ultimately translates into boodle in the bank & she said never mention it my dear any friend of Toms is always welcome here
Clara smiled up at me while Esther gave me a twitch of a nod then unfreezing her face turned back to Lady D & said now auntie you mustnt lose your thread not when you were telling me the fascinating story of your plans for the estate
I was trying to work out how to sit close to Teddy without drawing too much attention to the contrast between my kitchen table legs & Claras works of art when he solved the problem by saying youve obviously come to swim ready for a dip now? come on!
He grabbed my hand & started leading me down the beach.
I said what about Clara? & he said oh shes all right needs to stick close in case auntie needs her back scratched or something fetched from the Hall
I glanced back & up. The cliff rose steep & bare for about 80 feet with a zig-zag path marked by a guard rail & then for the next 40 or 50 feet the incline became easier with lots of greenery now till presumably it flattened into the grounds of the Hall. Quite a trip to send someone to fetch the hankie youd forgotten! Dont expect that would worry Lady D though & to give her her due it was quite a climb up & down for someone her age. Must be fit as a butchers dog as the HB likes to say!
I said must be nice to have your own private beach
He said strictly speaking its not aunties at all. Anything between the high tide & low tide marks belongs to the Crown & the spring tides here reach several feet up the cliff but it would take a bold trespasser to argue the point!
I couldnt argue with this. We soon reached the edge of the water where he paused staring out to sea & said something I didnt catch.