Rise, the Jade Emperor finally said after an uncomfortable couple of minutes, and both Simone and I pulled ourselves to our feet.
You are ordered to take True Form in the presence of the Jade Emperor, Er Lang said loudly.
Neither Simone nor I said anything or moved.
Take True Form! Er Lang shouted.
These are our True Forms, I said.
Simone Bai Hu began.
Shut up, Bai Hu, Simone said.
There was the very faintest rustle of movement through the hall. Nobody said a word, but they were restless and their slight movements made the silk of their robes hiss.
The Jade Emperors face didnt shift from its expressionless mask. Lady Emma Donahoe.
I saluted him, bowing slightly. Celestial Majesty.
You claim that the form I see here is your True Form?
That I do, Celestial Majesty.
Princess Simone, the Emperor said.
Simone saluted. Celestial Majesty.
You too?
She bowed slightly and saluted again. Celestial Majesty.
The silk rustle in the hall became slightly louder, then faded again.
Er Lang, the Jade Emperor said.
Lady Emma Donahoe is ordered to take True Form, Er Lang said without looking at me.
As the Celestial Majesty wishes, I said, and didnt change. I just stood quietly at the base of the dais.
This is not your True Form! Er Lang shouted.
This is the way I was born. This is the way I wish to be perceived. This is the true me, I said. This is my True Form. Any other form I could take would not be me.
The rustling became louder and a series of hushed whispers rippled through the hall then quickly settled to silence.
Er Lang, the Jade Emperor said again.
Princess Simone, daughter of Xuan Tian Shang Di, is ordered to take Celestial Form, Er Lang said.
Simone hesitated.
Do it, dear, the Jade Emperor said. You have a Celestial Form. You have been ordered. Do it.
Simone made a short, clipped whimpering sound and changed. She gathered all of the darkness in the hall and wrapped it around her, completely hiding herself from view. The darkness grew and became more massive. A spreading, seeping cold emanated from her and the air around her filled with ice. The darkness exploded out from her in a silent eruption and dissipated. Her Celestial Form became visible.
The voices in the hall erupted to a roar, then quickly faded.
Her livery was deep blue, almost black, and shining gold. She was nearly four metres tall, and her golden-brown hair swept around her, so long it lay on the floor. Much of it floated in a breeze that wasnt there. Her skin shone translucent in the light; a delicate honey brown. Her enormous golden eyes glowed with wisdom far beyond her years. She appeared to be about twenty-five years old. Her deep blue robes flowed around her, decorated with a thousand tiny pinpoints of golden light, like stars. She was breathtakingly beautiful, more like a force of nature than a young woman.
Can you call Seven Stars, Simone? the Jade Emperor said.
Simone held out one slim arm and the sword appeared in her hand. The scabbard was black, the hilt was white, and the sword was nearly two metres long. It fitted her perfectly. She lowered her hand and held the sword in front of her. She truly appeared as a goddess with the sword in her hand and an expression of detached ferocity on her face.
Good, the Jade Emperor said. He rose from the throne and stood before us on the dais with his hands clasped behind his back. What is it you have come to see me about?
I bowed slightly. Leo Alexander, Retainer of the Dark Lord, is held in Hell at your pleasure, I said. We would like your permission, Celestial Majesty, to go and talk to him about accepting Immortality and returning to us.
Why should he do this for you when so many of my staff have been unable to convince him?
Because he loves us, Simone said in a voice of sharpened honey.
He smiled slightly. Anything else?
I request the freedom of the Golden Boy, child of the Jade Building Block, and the Jade Girl, eighty-second daughter of the Dragon King.
Simone glanced at me.
And thats all? the Emperor said.
Yep, I said. Uh, yes, Celestial Majesty.
Return to your normal form, Simone.
Simone changed back and we shared a small sigh of relief.
Meet me in the Imperial Private Offices in one hour, together with your sponsors. Concluded. Dismissed. He returned to the throne.
We fell to our knees again. Wen sui, wen sui, wen wen sui.
Supplicants are permitted to depart, Er Lang said.
We backed away for about ten metres, then turned and walked out of the hall with every eye in the place boring into our backs. I could tell from the way Simone walked that she wanted to run out of there as much as I did.
What in Heaven possessed you two to do something like that? the Tiger shouted. He paced in front of us with his hands clasped behind his back.
Ms Kwan had also returned to human form. She sat at the dining table, as serene as ever. She waved one hand and summoned a pot of tea. Sit. Drink tea. All will be well, Ah Bai.
The Tiger stopped and glared at her. Dont encourage them. He turned his attention back to me. What if youd been ordered to take demon form? What would you have done then?
Refused again.
The Tiger paced once more. Im glad you werent ordered to then. Defying an order from the Celestial once is bad enough; twice would have got you executed. And you. He rounded on Simone. You should have refused. Or at least taken something less impressive. God, Simone, what a stupid thing to do.
That is less impressive, Simone said. Thats the smallest one I can do. In the full version, Im more than three metres tall, as big as Daddys biggest Celestial Form. The robes appear like space; the gold stars really are stars. My eyes are even bigger and freaking black. And the yin hangs around my hair like some sort of freaking cloak, freezing the air wherever I go. Its huge.
Shit. The Tiger began pacing again. You sure your mother was human? Every Immortal in Heaven is going to be after your hand, my girl. If I saw you like that, and I didnt love your father like a brother, Id be after you in a second myself. He shook his head. What a fucking disaster.
Mr Wong tapped on the door and came in. He smiled like a kindly grandfather and we all glowered at him.
Well done, ladies. But you should have taken the full version, Simone. Maybe later, eh? Come on up and have some nice tea with me, and well talk about it.
Bai Hu stood threateningly over Mr Wong. Dont you dare let anybody grab this little girl, Ah Ting. Shes just a child.
Calm down, Ah Bai, dont get your whiskers in a twist. Ill protect them, dont worry. I know what Im doing. He glanced at me, his eyes sparkling. Come on up to my apartment and well have a little chat.
Its about time someone reminded that bunch of stiffarsed old farts exactly what it means to pursue the Tao, the Jade Emperor said amiably. He poured the tea and we all tapped the table in thanks. See? You show respect in exactly the right amount required, at the time it is required, and not more. And when the order is a stupid one, you make your feelings clear. The most senior Celestials are aware of your serpent form, Emma. They were fully expecting you to take it, even though you made it clear that you regard your human form as your True Form. He sighed with feeling. So many blindly follow orders purely to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Lazy. Now. He picked up his teacup, brushing his long sleeve out of the way. Leo Alexander. Stupid bastard. Entirely much more trouble than he is worth. I know why you did it, Lady, but he has still been a massive thorn in my side for many years.
Kwan Yin nodded silently.
He sipped his tea. You certainly have my permission to try your best to pull Leo out. Go for it. If you can persuade him out of Hell, Id be very happy indeed.
I wasnt expecting this to be so easy after all the bureaucracy weve had to go through, I said.
The Emperor smiled slightly. We thought we would be able to fix this without the intervention of a mortal such as yourself. It makes us look very, very bad to have to call you in on this. The Celestial should be able to handle this type of thing.
Leos very stubborn when he wants to be, I said.
The Emperor raised his teacup to me. That he is. And thoroughly Worthy. I am looking forward to seeing him take his place here among the Immortals.
Hes black and gay, Ah Ting, Bai Hu said.
We all stared at Bai Hu with astonishment, even the Jade Emperor.
Im just saying, Bai Hu said with a shrug. Hed be the first.
I turned back to the Jade Emperor. Hed be the first gay Immortal? Is it allowed? I know the tradition
Humankind is very fond of rules, the Jade Emperor said. Very fond of putting things into little boxes and sticking labels on them. Yang is masculine; yin is feminine. Therefore all males must be yang and be attracted to females. Despite the fact that the universe is obviously not built that way, humans insist on creating their little boxes and pushing things into them even when its quite plain that they dont fit. He poured more tea. The nature of the Tao is the true nature of all. If a man is attracted to other men and that is his nature, then how can he pursue the Tao without pursuing that nature? Ridiculous.
So its not an issue? I said.
Of course not, the Emperor said. There are plenty of gay Immortals, there always have been. The minute you stick a label on something it loses its true nature and you move further away from the Tao, which is nameless.
But hes black, Bai Hu said.
I have the sudden urge to rap you sharply across the nose, cat, the Emperor said.
Hes not Eastern, I meant, Bai Hu said. Its not the colour, its the location. I mean, weve had Westerners gain Immortality here before His voice trailed off. He raised his hands in defeat. Okay. I just made my own point. Shutting up now.
You arent just a sexist pig, youre a racist one as well, I said with wonder.
The hell I am, the Tiger said. He doesnt belong to this Corner of the World. He should be Raised to Immortality in the United States, his home. He should reside on his own Celestial Plane.
What about me? I said.
You too. If you were to gain Immortality, you should do it in the South, where you belong, and live in the Southern Celestial Plane.
What about me? Simone said.
The Tiger opened his mouth and closed it again.
Oh, very well, the Emperor said. But this is strictly for your ears only, you are not to share it with anyone. The Elder of the Southern Shen and I have been in contact for about ten years. Were arranging a conference in a neutral territory, probably Antarctica. As soon as we contact the Western, African and North and South American Shen well start making arrangements. Well probably do it when Ah Wus back and he can do the security in conjunction with each groups people. Well thrash out a reciprocal agreement.
Not North, South, East and West Shen? I said.
No, the Eastern and Western thing is just for convenience, the Jade Emperor said. Actually, each continent has its own Shen, divided by the ocean or desert. So there arent actually any Northern Shen, unless you count Ah Wu who is the essence of the North itself. He shrugged. Hardly anybody lives up there anyway people there fit into their own region. So basically it will be a meeting of Shen from the six continents, and when we get together well probably start formal naming and reciprocal diplomatic arrangements.
What, Shen UN? I said.
The Jade Emperor made a soft sound of amusement. Yes. Now that travelling between the Corners is becoming common, we need to deal with the matter of mortals attaining Immortality in a Centre outside their own. If they choose to reside in a different Celestial Plane, the option to do so should be open to them. Leo is a classic example of this; he is in the first hundred or so black people who have been through our Hell, and the first to gain Immortality in our Centre. Until now, we have had very little contact with other Celestials. The time has come that we should make an arrangement for free movement between the Planes.
The demons are moving as well, I said. Look at these stone things.
Precisely, the Emperor said with feeling. Mixing Western mystical stones with Eastern demons. And the biotech that One Two Two was experimenting with He glared at the Tiger. Absolutely not acceptable.
I dont do anything like that, the Tiger said. My kids are just studying them. Just having a look. Working out what makes them tick.
As long as thats all it is, the Jade Emperor said. Supervise your scientists closely. Interfere with the demons true nature and Er Lang will land on you so hard youll think your nose is your tail.
Bai Hu saluted. Celestial Majesty. I agree with you anyway.
Jade and Gold, I said.
Ah. The Emperor leaned back. Do you know why they are bound into servitude?
No, I said. Theyre both obviously embarrassed about it, and I havent pushed the point.
They deserved it, the Tiger said. They should have spent the time in Hell.
I didnt see you charging out of the West to defend the honour of the Qing, the Emperor said.
You issued the goddamn edict telling us not to interfere yourself, Ah Ting, the Tiger said.
The Jade Emperor thumped his hand on the table. That is the third time you have called me that, Bai Hu. Call me Ah Ting again and I will have you executed! I gained this appointment through cultivation and merit and that story is a lie! You are walking a very fine line!
The Tiger grinned and saluted.
The Jade Emperor turned back to us, serene again. In 1843, a young man by the name of Robert Fortune sneaked into China. He wanted to free our nation from the scourge of the opium trade. You know about that?
Both Simone and I nodded.
The Jade Emperor continued. The opium trade was purely because of the tea. Young Robert thought that if he could grow tea in a territory of the British Empire, then the traders would no longer need to sell the opium in China to pay for the tea.
He stole the tea, I said. There was a show on the History Channel a while ago.
I saw that too, it was very good, the Jade Emperor said. Anyway, he travelled the tea plantations looking for owners who would be patriotic enough to help end this destructive trade. He was aided by a young woman who was both powerful and naïve.
Not Jade, Simone said.
Yes. Jade took the young man to a plantation owned by a Shen. You might say the Shen had inherited the plantation when his demon master was destroyed. The Shen, being just as naïve as the young lady, provided Mr Fortune with seeds, plants and tame demons to cultivate them in the British Imperial Territory of India.