But that was part of the problem, wasnt it?
Shed met him at a time in her life when she was overstressed and questioning what she wanted in life, taking a vacation from her South Carolinian life as an advertising executive in Columbia. David was a natural-born leader, evidenced by civic committees hed headed and his volunteer duties coaching touch football in early fall and soccer in the spring. Theyd barely been on two dates before he was encouraging her to let him shoulder her burdens. Hed advised her as confidently as he did five-year-olds who were confused about which goal to kick toward. It had felt like a blessing at the time.
Unfortunately, in simplifying her life and inviting David to gloss over her problems, Rachel had lost herself somewhere along the way. In the past year, shed begun to question whether her husband loved herromantically, not just dutifullybut could she really blame him for not seeing her? She wasnt even sure who she was. Resolution number one for the New Year: find out.
Chapter Two
David was stepping out of the shower that evening when he heard the tentative Hello? from the outer room. Reflexively, he clutched his towel around him, as if the woman on the other side of the door hadnt seen his nude body a thousand times. As if she might accidentally burst in while he was undressed and make the strain between them even worse.
The thought was truly asinine on all levels. When was the last time Rachel had burst in anywhere? Since the miscarriage last spring, it seemed as if even rising from her chair took effort. And how on earth would it be possible for the awkwardness between them to become worse?
In here, he called back.
Okay. Just checking. Her words were followed by retreating footsteps.
He dried off and dressed, keeping his movements slow and deliberate so that he didnt impulsively run after her. The caveman deep inside him seemed to think that tossing his wife onto the bed and making thorough love to her would somehow resurrect what theyd once shared.
Stupid caveman.
The once sexy part of their marriage had long become regulated by ovulation predictor kits, and each fruitless encounter was more perfunctory and less satisfying than the last.
So what now, genius? In school hed excelled at problem-solving. As it turned out, participating in teen extracurricular activities for gifted students and graduating college with honors didnt educate a man on understanding women. Hed tried so damn hard to be the perfect husband, and shed just walked away. Had she really become so numb that she had no feelings left for him?
As he walked down the hall, he heard her in the kitchen, the sound of the refrigerator door opening and closing. Her back was to him as he rounded the corner into the room. She poured herself some tea, presumably to wash down a couple of the aspirin in the big white bottle she held. Her shoulders were slumped in a defeated posture that tugged at his heart.
He used to hug her whenever shed had a bad day, cajole her into a better mood. Cheer up, hed say, you still have me. If he tried to embrace her now, would she stiffen and pull away?
How was the dress fitting? he heard himself ask. Inane small talk as if he were killing time on an elevator with a casual acquaintance.
His wife turned in his direction but didnt quite meet his eyes, addressing one of the light-stained wood cabinets just past his left shoulder. Lilah will make a beautiful bride.
Tanners a lucky man.
She nodded, her fingers trembling a little as she tried to get the lid off the aspirin.
Let me. He walked toward her, palm extended.
She recoiled. I can do it.
Dammit, Rachel Her vulnerable expression quelled the reactionary anger that had been rising in him.
She looked somehow both harder and more fragile than the woman hed once known. Her eyes were shadowed, and there was a chafed spot on her bottom lip. She had a bad habit of chewing on her lip when she was upset. He glanced up in sudden realization that he was staring at her mouth and shed caught him doing it.
Defensiveness made his tone gruff. You look like hell.
Her normally warm gray eyes were the color of cold steel. Thank you so much.
I didnt He ran a hand through his hair. I just worry about you.
Thats not your responsibility anymore, she said with an attempt at a smile, as if she was trying to point out a positive.
His pridehis heartstung. I guess we cant all just turn off our emotions and walk away from vows so easily.
For a second, he thought she might throw the aspirin bottle at him. Instead, she turned toward the counter, dismissing him with her body language.
He clenched his fists at his sides. Hed known this woman for years. Laughed with her, loved her, said things to her he couldnt imagine sharing with another person. Yet the prospect of beating himself upside the head with one of the pots hanging over the kitchen island seemed less painful than a three-minute conversation with her. How had they come to this?
Im sorry, he said. He rarely lost his temper, and he needed his composure now more than ever. That was uncalled for.
Youre entitled to your anger. With an audible pop, the lid finally came off the bottle. Itll be easier when Im at Winnies. Im supposed to go over tonight to spend time with the animals and look over all the instructions with her.
Yeah, she phoned to say she was in for the evening and any time was good with her. And your sister called. Thats what I came in here to tell you. Probably he should have led with that rather than You look like hell. She said it was important, but not bad news.
Considering the massive heart attack that had threatened Mr. Nietermyers life the year David met Rachel, and the two lesser cardiac episodes that had followed, urgent messages from home tended to make her nervous.
Thanks. She washed down two pills with a gulp, placed her cup on the counter, then turned, clearly ready to take her leave of him.
He didnt move aside. Did you grab a bite with the ladies?
No, Lilah had dinner plans, and everyone else went shopping. I didnt feel up to it.
Ill fix you something. You should
David. She smiled tiredly. Thank you, but Im a big girl. Im capable of opening my own aspirin and cooking my own meals.
Of course she was. He was just so desperate to do something. For most of his life, hed enjoyed a sense of purpose. His mom had raised him with the notion that he could do anything he set his mind to, and for nearly thirty years, that had held true. Then thered come the infertility problems, which had made him crazy because there was nothing he could do to help Rach, and then her announcement that she was leaving. Hed been so dumbfounded, so struck by the unfamiliar sensation of being out of control, that hed just let her go.
Part of himif he were being brutally honestmight even have been relieved by the time apart, but only as a stopgap measure, not as a permanent life change.
When you call your sister back, you arent going to tell her about us, are you? It sounded autocratic even in his own ears, a demand. He couldnt bear anyone knowing that his marriage had failed. Every person who found out would be one more severed tie cutting him adrift.
When you call your sister back, you arent going to tell her about us, are you? It sounded autocratic even in his own ears, a demand. He couldnt bear anyone knowing that his marriage had failed. Every person who found out would be one more severed tie cutting him adrift.
Rachel glared, exasperated. I dont know. I agreed with you that this is a special time for Lilah and Tanner, the whole Waide family, and I didnt want to ruin it. But dont you think I deserve a friendly ear? Someone to talk to?
Why hadnt she tried harder to talk to him? Hed always listened, always offered suggestions and attempted to soothe the problems away. Rachel. You know that if it were in my power to
I know. She surprised him by reaching out, brushing her hand over the arm of his long-sleeved T-shirt. Then she passed by, not looking back as she added, But its not.
BECAUSE a chilly December rain had started to fall, Rachel drove to Winnies on the other side of the subdivision rather than walk. When the windshield wipers did nothing to clear her view, she realized the spots blurring her vision were tears. This was ridiculous. Separating was her decision, yet shed cried every day since shed told David that they didnt belong together.
Despite what logic and intellect told her, on some level she felt shed failed by not getting pregnant. Why couldnt her body accomplish what some teenagers achieved unintentionally? When shed suffered a firsttrimester miscarriage last spring, it had devastated her, yet shed tried to see it as a sign that at least she could conceive. But month after month, hope waned. As did her and Davids tenderness with each other. She could admit that there had been some hormone-triggered mood swings on her part and that shed been difficult to live with. Hed been patient at first, but no sooner had she lost a child than he began touting adoption as the reasonable solution. His seemingly just get over it attitude trivialized everything shed experienced and made her feel alone even when he was holding her which was less and less.
David liked to tell people what course of action they should take, whether it was customers at his familys store, his newly returned brother or councilmen at town meetings. Almost everyone valued his input; Rachel herself had sought his opinion in the early days of marriage. It had taken her until this year to realize how aloof he could be when people didnt follow his advice. She hadnt been able to shake the feeling that he didnt view her as an equal partner.
Tonight was one example of how an endearing habit could turn grating. Shed once found it charming that he would remind her to eat or do little things to take care of her, but lately his suggestions had begun to sound slightly condescending.
Her heart rate kicked up suddenly, her pulse pounding in her ears so loudly that she couldnt hear her own thoughtsnot an altogether bad thing considering their dark tone. Her vision swam. What the hell? Fingers clenched on the steering wheel, she hurriedly parked at the curb. Then she waited, taking deep breaths.
Was she being melodramatic, or had she just almost fainted? Shed never passed out in her life. Though her headache remained in full force, her pulse slowed enough that she could walk to Winnies front door and ring the bell without worrying that she looked like a deranged escapee from the nearest hospital.
Winnie Brisbane, receptionist for the town veterinarian, was one of the softest-hearted people in the county. Her two lab mixes had been with her for years; a three-legged cat named Arpeggio and a lop-eared rabbit were more recent additions. Winnie had been negotiating with local pet-sitter Brenna Pierce to care for the menagerie when shed found an abandoned puppy in a November storm. Though shed placed a poster in the vets office, most people were too preoccupied with approaching holiday chaos to take on a gangly puppy with a nervous bladder and no obedience training. By Thanksgiving, Winnie had named the mutt Hildie.
Short of Winnie canceling the cruise she and her cousins had been planning for over a year, having someone house-sit seemed the only sensible solution. Brennas client schedule was too full for the constant care a puppy required, not to mention how much the extra professional visits would stretch Winnies modest budget. Shed laughingly told Rachel that shed blown this years mad money on cruise wear and was making up for it with peanut-butter-sandwich lunches and macaroni-and-cheese dinners.
The dogs are officially eating better than I am, shed admitted when Rachel offered to puppy-sit.
As Winnie ushered her into the house, Rachel had a twinge of guilt over the womans outpouring of gratitude. Though there was no good way to explain it to sweet-natured, freckle-faced Winnie, who blushed when David so much as smiled, Rachel had taken the house-sitting gig for selfish reasons. Tonight it had hit home how impossible it was for her to be under the same roof with her husband and not just because their exchanges deteriorated into sniping or unproductive regrets.
When hed walked into the kitchen earlier, shed been overwhelmed, out of the blue, by the sandalwood scent of his shampoo. Her sense of smell seemed abnormally strong, maybe because of the headache. Shed read about people with migraines having heightened sensitivities. Whatever the cause, shed had a nearly visceral memory of him washing her hair once, the feel of his hands across her scalp, the rich lather of the shampoo, his soapy skin sliding against hers as they leaned together for a kiss, the water sluicing over both their bodies.
Rachel? Are you okay?
Good heavens, shed completely forgotten about Winnie sitting across the table, summarizing pet routines that were written in a spiral notebook.
Sorry. Rachel swallowed. I got a little overheated for a moment. Can I trouble you for a glass of water?
Winnie made a sympathetic noise. Those medications, I expect.
One of the positives of living in a small town was that people caredwhen they asked how you were doing, they wanted an honest answer, not a rote fine, thanks. Susan Waide, strongly in favor of becoming a grandmother, had asked for prayer support among her friends at church on David and Rachels behalf. The OBs office staff knew Rachel by name and were all pulling for her. Sometimes, having everyone within shouting distance knowing the details of her life and cheering her on was nice.
This was not one of those times.
So she kept it to herself that she wasnt even taking the drugs anymore; shed emptied her last prescription just prior to Halloween. The doctors had warned then that potential long-term dangers of the hormones were starting to outweigh the possibility of conception. Theyd broached the subject of in vitro procedures, but shed decided against it pretty early in the discussion process. It was expensive, offered no guarantees, and frankly, her relationship with David had cooled so much by then that she wondered if it would be fair to bring a baby into their home.
Home. Glad Winnie stood at the sink with her back turned, Rachel surreptitiously wiped away tears. When David had surprised her late in their engagement with the key to the brick house two streets over, shed thought it was her dream home. Now it stood as a museum of their disappointments and mistakes.
The sooner I get out of that house, the better. She found herself reciting the mantra several times a day. She just wished she could convince herself it was true.