I picked up my notebook again, I started writing there:
I cant throw anything up because I dont have anything inside me, or have you forgotten, since they dont want to feed me here? Theyll be waiting for me to go home so I can eat there.
That made everyone laugh, which I did not like and I got very angry, and I even started crying. Nobody understood the big problem that I had, the hunger that would not leave me in peace.
Well, thats pretty much it, then one day I was eating just a puréed meal. It was an awful meal, but because I was so hungry, I said to myself:
If I dont eat this, they wont want to bring me anything else, and when I finished it, and it really wasnt easy for me to swallow it, I remember being surprised. I said to myself, Given how hungry I am, the fact that I cant swallow it means it must be really bad.
Well, after all that I did get better, the doctor discharged me, not that I knew what that meant, and he told me:
You have to be careful for a few days not to eat anything hard. I remember it very well because when I heard it, I thought about nougat, that very hard sweet my grandmother used to buy for Christmas, and I was about to write it in my notebook, but nougat was the last thing I wanted to eat at the time, so I left it because he said goodbye and left the room in a hurry.
Something else I havent forgotten is that my parents took me somewhere when we left. It was a coffee shop or something similar, I dont know exactly, but they invited me to have ice cream. My mother told me when we entered that it was, Everything you could want. Naturally, I chose a very large chocolate ice cream, and while I was eating it, I asked my father, very surprised and very quietly, because although the doctor had already told me I could talk now, I didnt dare to, I was afraid that my throat would hurt:
And why am I getting this?
Because Manu, youve behaved like a man, he replied smiling.
Right, well, now that youve told us your story, we should also eat this chocolate cake, which I think we deserve for having listened to the whole thing, and laughing, we all ate our slice of cake that they had brought us, and it really was delicious.
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Poring over my memories, because there had been a lot of changes, I finally found the place where I had stayed that first time I came. Several years had passed, I didnt remember how many exactly at the time. I had some difficulty parking, because the whole place was packed with cars, and taking my travel bag, I headed for the door.
I went in and taking a look at the place, I thought, Everything has changed so much! I saw new faces; could I be in the wrong place? I turned around to leave, when a person who was entering just then said:
Its been such a long time!
I gave him a good look and since I found it strange, because I didnt think Id ever seen him in my life, I asked him:
Do we know each other?
Sure, the man said smiling, well, Ive not forgotten you at least, but I see youve forgotten me.
Faced with what must have been an expression of surprise, he told me:
Seven years have passed, but I still remember when you arrived that night and asked me if we had any rooms.
Suddenly I remembered, the man I had met the first time I came, at least I assumed it was him, because the truth was that now I didnt quite recognize him as he was. Could I be so clueless? I thought at the time, and to be polite I said:
Yes! Its been so long.
It was a horse caper, the man told me smiling and raising his hand to his face.
I didnt understand him, what would a horse have to do with anything? But I looked at him and suddenly saw a big scar that crossed his face. Was that why Id not recognized him? Trying to be considerate, I asked:
How did it happen?
Well, she got scared, forgot she wasnt alone and she stopped suddenly and I got tossed over her head and I landed on my face. The poor animal wasnt to blame, but my life changed at that moment, the man was saying to me with a sad tone.
How did it happen? I pressed again. When I heard myself say it, I said to myself, Manu, what a gossip you are, what do you care?
Grateful to be able to chat a little about it with someone, something that was obvious from the outset, he thanked me for asking and told me:
Well, you see, the truth is that I didnt really know what had happened. What I do know is that the horse showed up back here on its own and some of the neighbors were surprised, so they went out to look for me. When they finally found me, Id lost a lot of blood and my recovery was slow, but what it comes down to in life is that we dont know what might happen to us when we go out into the street in the morning, whether or not were going to return in one piece. That being said, we can also have some mishap at home, who knows.
Seeing that he was a little sad, I encouraged him by saying:
Well, at least thats all in the past now. I see youre alright now, and thats what matters.
Well son, youre right, yes, but I can get by, the man told me and as if remembering himself at that moment, he asked me, And do you want a room?
Of course! I answered, if theres one free, because I see there are cars parked everywhere out there, it seems business is doing well.
Therell be something free, he said smiling, theres always room for old guests. Whats more, you brought us luck and Ive not forgotten that.
How so? I asked, in surprise. What do you mean?
Yes, since you were here, weve not been closed for a single day, weve always had pilgrims, he was saying, already with another more cheerful tone in his voice.
Pilgrims? I asked a little surprised, and what did I have to do with that?
Yes, I looked it up, precisely on the day you left, talking to my wife, I said, Look, lets keep the prices affordable, and youll see, we wont lack for guests, and thats how its been. There have been other folk whove opened up their own places after us and theyve been adding luxuries to their places, even televisions in the rooms and I wonder to myself, does someone who comes to pray for two or three days really need that? Cant they go without it?
You see? And another thing I dont understand, he went on telling me, is that eagerness to put armchairs and carpets in the rooms. Places that people only come to lie down and rest. Of course thats their justification for putting up the prices, but thats what they do. Then when the good weather ends, they have to close, because nobody comes to them, and folk know theyll always have a comfortable bed to sleep in here and a nice dish of warm soup. Even in January, we have no lack of visitors who come here to Spend some quiet days in prayer, as they say, that solitude is what theyre looking for.
I was already starting to feel a little restless, because the truth is that the journey had been pretty rough, and because I didnt want to get here too late, I had only stopped when the car needed some gas, so I said:
Excuse me, Im just going to see if they can give me a room.
No, sorry for keeping you, you must be tired, he said and went through that front door that I remembered from the last time, although they had painted it differently.
The place had changed. I didnt remember it being painted like that the time before, nor that it had such beautiful plants. I dont pay much attention to details, but I have always really liked plants, I must get it from my mother, who has the balconies full of them.
I saw a very pretty young lady at the reception desk, which hadnt been there last time either, and when I approached her to ask about the room, the man came back through the door again and said:
Its all sorted! Give him the key to 203.
The young lady approached me with an odd look on her face, and when the man saw her, he said:
Yes dear, hes been here before, a long time ago.
Is it the same room as last time? Youve no idea how much Id appreciate that, I said smiling.
Sure, I remember commenting when you left about how well-behaved youd been there, no noise or distractions, just the view of the countryside and also that youd risen to see the sunrise.
What a memory you have, with all the guests that must have passed through here since then, I commented.
Yes, thats true, but you also told me something that Ill never forget. We were chatting, because I saw that you were very curious and interested in a lot of things, you answered a question Id asked you, I dont remember what it was now, but you said, Im an atheist, and thats now etched on my memory. Why was an atheist going to bother coming to this place and ask all those questions that you were asking me? I remember that from that moment, when you asked me something, I was very careful of the answer I was going to give you. I didnt know if you had any police friends and perhaps there would be consequences later.
I was very surprised, I did remember at that moment that there had been a change in his attitude and it felt like this friendly gentleman, who always had a little time to chat with me and clear up any questions that I had, had been avoiding me after a certain point, as if he didnt want to speak with me anymore, and I hadnt known why.
Id attributed it to the fact that every time I saw him I detained him with all my questions. I was sure I was keeping him from any work at hand and that he was too polite and wouldnt tell me, I cant help you just now. Still, what I was hearing in these moments surprised me and I had to say:
What are you saying? You thought I had a police friend and I was going to say something to him? About what?
I dont know, the man said, shrugging, because you asked so many questions, I wondered why you wanted the information. Ending the conversation, he said, Ive already said to my wife to prepare something for your dinner for when you freshen up a little.
Its alright, dont trouble yourself, I said, I see its already too late and the kitchen must be closed.
Yes, he said, laughing, but my wife has the key and doesnt have to bother anyone. Shes the one who makes it and shes very happy to do so, youll see later when she tells you the same thing.
I climbed the steps, remembering the first time I had climbed them and everything that had happened there. Now that I was remembering, it seemed like a movie I had watched sitting in a movie theater, and not my own experiences, and I said to myself, So now, what will happen to me? Because I really dont know why I came.
I left those thoughts for another time. I was too tired; with two strides I was in front of the room I knew so well.
The door had been changed. It was made of a better quality of wood than the one I remembered. Theyve really made a lot of renovations. Its natural I suppose, time spoils everything, I thought standing there, as I inserted the key into the lock.
I opened it slowly, with curiosity, remembering what had happened to me inside those four walls, those experiences that had changed my life, and I looked around after turning on the light. My lamp had been taken away, the one that made me dream so much.
Well this one is fine, too, I told myself, the other one must have broken or been replaced by a more modern one.
How silly I was to hope that everything would still be the same as when I left it. I passed in front of the closet mirror, which was still there in its place, facing the foot of the bed, reflecting my image as I passed.
I looked at myself, how I had changed and How skinny I was! as my mother would tell me. She was right, I had to put on a little weight so that my bones wouldnt be quite so visible.
Just fill out those bones, Mom would say, insisting that I eat a little more.
Leave him be, hes an adult now, Dad would say, he knows how to look after himself.
I went over to look out the window. My window was still there. Of course it was, as much as they might change a room, its not as if theyre going to move the window from where it was before.
What they had removed were the curtains. Now it had some modern Persian blinds and some net curtains that I didnt remember from before. Theyd also removed the table that Id once used to take notes in my notebook about what had happened to me on that day so as not to forget it.
I remember the times when I wrote down the conversation Id had with the owner and the amount of information he had given me.
Now, next to the closet was a desk. It was a modern piece of furniture with a drawer on runners and a modern looking chair in front of it. I left the bag there and went to wash my hands. I could tell that there was also something here that had changed, but I didnt pay it much attention. I finished up quickly and went downstairs to the dining room. I didnt want to make them wait, since they had been so kind as to prepare me something for dinner in spite of how late it was.
The lady was sitting a steaming plate down on a table. The rest of the dining room had been cleared. It was empty, clean and lonely at that time, although they had turned all the lights on. I smiled at her from the door, she looked the same, it seemed like time hadnt passed for her, and I told her so.
Youre very kind to say so son, but time doesnt forgive anyone, and Im not what I used to be, if you saw how my knees are getting, she said smiling.
Thatll be because you dont rest all day, I said.
Thats true enough, but I dont know how to be still, so many years doing the same thing but lets not talk about me, what about you? What is it that made you decide to come back? she was saying slowly, almost with an air of confidentially. What? Are you back at your research again?
I watched her closely, and said:
What do you mean? I dont understand, its just a trip to remember old
Yes, old what? she interrupted, because youre not going to tell me that nothing happened to you. You cant tell me that. I know something happened to you, right?
Wait, what are you referring to? I asked in surprise.
Its alright, I understand if you dont want to tell me. Dont worry, the day you want to share it, you know who you can talk to in confidence, she was saying softly.
I didnt quite understand it. Yes, something had indeed happened to me, but I wasnt going to tell a stranger, I couldnt even imagine doing that.
I took the spoon and began to fill it with the soup that she had brought me, which smelled so good, so I could eat it and finish up.
Son, there are some things in this life, she was saying, that get easier when you share them, dont you forget that.