Yes, I mumbled softly, but in reality, what had I answered? That I had spent the day sitting or that my bones were already beginning to claim my attention? In my younger days, I would play sports practically every day, now I had to take a pill some days to be able to withstand the pain, especially in the knees, which I think wasnt due to a lack of walking, but rather the endless hours I spent sitting.
She was right, what she had said was correct. I forced myself to follow her without protesting again, when I suddenly thought that I had been sitting the whole time, looking for information in those books that Id taken from the shelves that she had indicated, but from there I could see her back at her work station, where I had noticed that there was nowhere for her to sit. Shed been standing the entire the time.
What strength! I thought. I would not have endured it. Well, I reasoned as an excuse, shell be used to it; a specific result of the years shes been doing this kind of work.
Since I was distracted by my thoughts, and as she continued on in silence, I hadnt realized where we were, nor the streets wed passed. That usually happens when youre driving, if youre alone you have to pay attention to everything to get to the place you want to go, but if someone next to you is giving you directions, when you arrive, you realize that if you had to go back, you wouldnt know where to go, since you didnt pay attention to where you had come from, you had only relied on the person who was guiding you and following their instructions. That was what had happened to me and I almost missed the place, when I heard:
Here it is! Weve arrived. Now youll see how to find what youre looking for. I think its the place where they have the most material on that subject in all of Santiago.
Shed stopped, and I hadnt heard, but when I did, I quickly stopped and looked at the window. It was a very old bookstore. She went in right away, and before I could reach her, she was already greeting an old man who was seated and who I took to be the owner. When I got close to them, I heard the man as he got up from his seat and greeted her.
Hello Pilar, how long has it been without seeing you? I thought youd forgotten the address of this place, or have you been so busy that youve not had time to come visit an old friend?
She said to him softly in apology:
Im sorry, I dont get much spare time as you know, but youre right, its been too long since the last time and it shouldnt have been so. How is everything?
Good! As always! As for my ailments, you know, fine! So what brings you here today? I see youre in good company, said the man, whom I could see as he winked at her while he said it.
Sorry! Sorry! she said as she turned to me. Let me introduce you to, and looking at me she said:
How scatterbrained of me! I dont even know your name.
As scatterbrained as ever, you havent changed a bit, the old bookseller said and laughed. I remember that first time we met, the shy curious girl who needed to ask something, but her shame kept her from even speaking. How I asked you to write it down for me so I could find out, because your words came out so broken that there was no way to understand you. Do you remember what you wrote? the old man asked leaning into her ear.
No, she replied, a little surprised by the unexpected question.
Well I do, I havent forgotten it, despite all the time thats gone by. You wrote on that paper in big letters, so I could read it properly, Everything you have about the Virgin and the Apparitions of Fatima. Yep, thats right, thats what she wrote for me on that piece of paper, the man said looking at me. I, a communist recognized by everyone, let out a huge laugh that was heard throughout the store, and you tearfully asked me for forgiveness. I still dont know why, because you hadnt done anything to offend me.
Well, lets get back to today, as Im an old man, I live more and more in the past and in my memories, which are certainly more fun than daily life, where nothing different ever happens. Every day is the same, nobody comes in here and I spend the morning with the duster, going over the old books so that the dust doesnt accumulate too much. It cant be left even for a single day, and in the afternoon sitting in the doorway enjoying a coffee and taking a little sun, if the sun has deigned to visit us that day, and if not, I drink my coffee sitting by the heater so that these old bones dont protest too much, if thats even possible. And how are things in your life? he asked her suddenly, as if he were just realizing that she was still there.
Pilar, you didnt get married, right? Do you still have that little gray kitten that gave you such good company, and that kept ruining that cushion you were so fond of?
That was a hundred years ago, how can you remember all that? she asked laughing.
Come on, youre exaggerating! he answered. Yes, its true that the years have indeed passed. You had pretty brown braids back then, and now I see some gray hair in there, which you surely havent colored yourself, he said quietly.
No, theyre natural, she replied with a sad smile, how time flies!
Okay, okay, lets leave this melancholy behind and you told me you had come with this young man but I havent let you tell me why, he added, looking at me.
Well, its almost the same as that first time, she responded, to learn everything you have about The Apparitions of Fatima, which seems to be something that interests him, and as you know, thats my area. I was very happy that someone had reminded me of this, and I told him that I would help him find that information, some of which Im sure he can find around here somewhere.
Young man, the old man said suddenly, are you a believer?
Surprised by his question, I answered him haltingly:
No, but does that matter?
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It was a subject that was very clear in my mind and that I had discussed for a long time with family and friends, but when I arrived at University, the belief that you can be a good person without believing in anything became stronger, and that was my philosophy of life.
It was hard for my mother to understand, because she had always been very involved within the parish and had tried to get the five of us to continue with those religious beliefs and practices.
Let the kids find their own way, theyre honest and good people, and theyll learn their beliefs over time and make their own decisions, said my father.
He always accompanied her to mass, but he didnt get involved in anything else, leaving us with freedom and decision-making power, which my mother told him was not good for our future.
One day, knocking on the door of my room, asking for permission to come in, my older sister Carmen told me shed been talking with Don Ignacio, the priest at our parish, who had known us since we were little, who had baptized us and with whom we had made our First Holy Communion.
What happened if you didnt believe in anything? That was the question she told me she had asked. What you had to do was look for answers, those that would convince you and dont let yourself be swayed by the impositions of others. That was the response that the priest had given her, and Carmen added, But I didnt say anything to him about you, I made it out as though it was a doubt that I was having.
I thought about it for a few days, and those words from the priest helped me to have a talk with my mother, because the subject had caused some friction between us from time to time.
One day I was able to catch her alone at home, a rare thing! It was a rainy afternoon. I had organized to go out with friends for a game of soccer, but the rain was so intense that they told me on the phone that they had suspended it. My father was traveling; he had needed to go to Madrid for work. Carmen, my older sister, had gone with him, because she wanted to see some friends who lived there. She knew them from the beach at Sanxenxo and they had invited her on several occasions to visit the capital.
She had taken advantage of my fathers trip, and that way He didnt have to go alone, as she put it, of course to justify them allowing her to go. I say that, but the truth is my father was grateful to have some company in the car, so he could chat with someone and the trip would not be so boring.
The twins had an important exam, so even though it was raining when it was time to go, they couldnt stay at home, and Chelito, the little one, was in bed with the flu, and was sleeping after having taken her medicine.
Mom, we have to talk, I said, facing her, taking advantage of the fact that everything was quiet at home.
I still remember her face, as if I were seeing it in front of me now, her pretty brown eyes looked at me with interrogation, penetrating, wanting to guess what I wanted to say to her, like so many times before. I dont know how she did it, but before I opened my mouth, she was already giving me answers for whatever it was I wanted to ask.
Whats wrong? Are you sick? Have you caught the flu from Chelito? Have you been suspended? she asked nervously, with such speed that before finishing a question, she already had the next one on the tip of her tongue and she wouldnt let me say a word.
No, wait, wait, lets sit down for a little bit and chat, I said taking her by the shoulders to reassure her a little.
Well, before that Ill prepare you a glass of warm milk, so you can energize your body, she told me and before I could respond, she had already gone into the kitchen in two strides and put the pot on the stove with milk. She waited a little while for it to warm up, brought it to me, and told me while she handed it to me, Take it warm, Ive thrown in a little honey, just the way you like it.
With the glass in my hands, feeling the warmth of the milk comfort me on that bleak afternoon, and being sat on the sofa next to her, which was strange in itself because the sofa was always full to watch the television and she normally had to sit on a chair, we now had the entire thing just for the two of us.
I dont remember the last time we had a moment alone, she was always doing something.
Well, tell me, you have me on tenterhooks, she told me, what do you want to talk about?
I tried to find the words. I would use gentler words, so that she would not misinterpret them and they would not hurt her. I started by asking:
Mom, do you love me?
Oh son, what a question, do you doubt it? she asked, looking at me with great surprise.
No, I answered resoundingly, listen to me, its very important, I said.
It already seems that way to me, youre kidding me, right? she said more calmly, with a smile.
No Mom, Im being serious.
Me too, she said.
Do you think I love you? I asked her, looking her straight in the eye to see her expression.
Well of course, Ive never doubted it, but youre acting strangely today. Tell me whats wrong with you, youre starting to worry me, she said shifting restlessly on the sofa.
Mom, Im an atheist, I said after taking a long drink from the glass of milk as if to draw strength from it and tell her what it was that was so difficult for me, because I felt it was now or never.
Whaaat? What do you mean? Dont talk nonsense, she said very seriously.
Look, Mom, Im not going to go to church anymore, and I started to explain but I couldnt add anything further, she wasnt listening anymore.
Son, Im sure you have a fever, go to bed right now, Im going to get the thermometer that I left on the nightstand in Chelitos room where I put it earlier.
Jumping up, she got up from the sofa, as if launched by an invisible spring, and boldly moved down the hallway without giving me time to react.
Come back, we have to talk, Im not ill, calm down, I was saying walking behind her, trying to convince her and continue the conversation.
But turning a deaf ear, she kept moving forward, almost forcing me to run to catch up to her. I reached her when she already had her hand resting on the door handle of the room where my little sister slept peacefully. Putting a finger to my mouth I said:
Shhhhh! Youll wake her up, and I added quietly, now that it seems the fever has gone down and she can rest easy, after the bad night has passed, dont go waking her up by making noise.
<<<<< >>>>>
What would I see? Why was she screaming like that? We were all woken up and frightened and we went to her room. Mom had arrived first and was already comforting her. Asleep, Chelito cried inconsolably, and between screams said things we didnt understand.
Calm down little one, youre not alone, Im here with you and nothing is going to happen to you, Mom was saying from there beside the bed, while she was gently stroking her head.
It seemed that Chelito was not listening, until Carlitos came running in and lying on the bed, hugged her and said:
Here I am to defend you, dont be afraid, I wont leave you alone.
At that moment she woke up and was surprised to see everyone around her bed, and in her feverish eyes I could see how confused she was, but she couldnt say a word, all she could do was stare at us, from one to the next.
Its okay, its over now, you see? Youre not alone, were with you little one, dont be scared, nothings going to happen to you, Mom was saying to her, while she hugged her and gave her an affectionate kiss.
Why dont you call the doctor Mom? I asked worried about what was happening, because I didnt understand it, it was the first time Id saw my little sister that way.
But son, am I going to bother him at this hour for a cold? Ive been through this situation many times before, she answered more calmly.
But Mom, I protested, its not even like Dads here to take her to the hospital if we need to, I insisted, and what if she gets worse, what will we do with her?
Thats not going to happen, calm yourself and dont be a child, youre already a man, and now that Dads not here youre the man of the house, look at how Carlitos has managed to face the situation.
Yes, but its woken her up and I dont know if shell be alright, I said a little embarrassed.
At that moment, Tono came into the room with a glass of water, and told Chelito:
Take it, this will help the fear pass, for sure.
We all laughed, this pair of twins certainly never failed to surprise us. The situation changed, and despite her fever, Chelito was calmer, so Mom sent us all to bed.
Go back to sleep, you know that tomorrows exam is important, and Dad doesnt want to hear any excuses about why you didnt pass it, she said to the twins.