Go back to sleep, you know that tomorrows exam is important, and Dad doesnt want to hear any excuses about why you didnt pass it, she said to the twins.
But its easy Mom, said Tono, the most unruly of the two.
Yes, easy, it will be for you because youre a nerd, Carlitos said.
Get outta here! Mom, he called me a nerd when he doesnt stop studying even on vacation, protested Tono getting cranky because he did not like being called that one bit.
It made us smile once again, and my mother, already adopting a more serious tone of voice, told us:
Right, off to bed all of you, Im staying here. I dont need to hear any more talk, you have to rest so that the night passes quickly, go to bed without complaining.
Down the hall, on the way to our rooms, I told the twins:
Well done guys, you should always protect your sisters.
Yeah, but Carmen is already very big and she doesnt need us, Tono protested.
Look, she thinks she doesnt need you, but women always need a man by their side to defend them and protect them, and who better than a brother? Dont listen to her when she says shes the biggest and doesnt need anyone. Surely shes a little jealous of you guys, not having a sister her age to talk to about things, because Chelito is too little to give her advice. What happens to me is I get bored when Im not sleepy, and youre lucky enough to be able to chat quietly until you fall asleep. When I hear you, it makes me want to take my mattress and come here into this room with you guys.
Are you also afraid about whats happening with Chelito tonight? Tono asked softly.
No, I said with a smile. Come on, lets get some sleep, the time for talking is over. Mom is going to really get angry and shell punish us for not obeying her. Besides now that Dad isnt here, we have to behave better so that Mom is happy with us.
Closing their bedroom door, I went into my own room, that place they allocated to me, saying that I was already big and had to sleep alone because I was almost a man. I still didnt understand, Carmen and Chelito shared a room, although tonight Carmen was on a trip with my father, so her bed was empty. Well, now Mom would sleep in it, but I had to go to sleep in that tiny room where the bed barely fit, to make room for the twins. That didnt matter much, but I felt lonely sometimes and I didnt like that.
Why doesnt he close the door? Dad would ask. Its like hes afraid of how old he is, but no, it was only because I wanted to hear others talk, the twins had more fun from their bunk beds than I did. I knew that there was no room for my bed in that room, but there are reasons that children just dont understand, and this was one of them.
<<<<< >>>>>
As time passed quickly, there was plenty of room in the house before we knew it. Carmen started University, and of course, like all her friends, she left home, It was modern, as my father put it. Even though Mom was opposed to it, she had no choice but to give in, on the condition that she had to come home every Sunday, and she wasnt going to accept any excuses.
If you miss one Sunday, itll be harder for you to come back, my father told her, so, even if youre ill or if you have to study here, I want to see you. Well, if you get ill, then come whatever day it is. That way we can take care of you; just because you leave doesnt mean you stop being a member of the family, nor that were going to stop loving you the same way.
My sister promised very seriously to come home every Sunday and said that we should also call her if anything ever happened and we needed her, that she was not going to stop being our daughter and sister just because she didnt sleep at home.
She was two years my senior, and that was how those two years passed. As I said, the time flew by, and I think it was my good grades that decided my future.
When Carmen left, I asked myself a question, although I didnt share it with anyone. I also wanted to go and live away from home, but I knew it was impossible, that Dad had a secure job and that his salary was good, at least that was what he told us. I never knew how many pesetas he earned, but it would never allow him to have two independent children, since he still had three others at home with their own needs, so I told myself, If I push myself and I get a scholarship, Im sure he wont oppose what I ask him. Thats how the last two school years passed. In addition to attending class like I was part of the furniture, as I had done for a long time, just to listen and take notes, I started to take on extra work and the teachers noticed the change in me straight away, because some of them made comments to me about it in jest.
It seems that you were asleep before and youve finally woken up and youve begun to take an interest in the classes and as the saying goes, Better late than never, at least that way youll leave a little more prepared.
I had finished sixth in my class, with the best grades for that year. Even the teachers had congratulated me. That made the final examination easy for me to take, and in truth I was quite pleased with myself. When Id suggested it, I had succeeded. The pre-university course, the Preu, was very easy for me and that also raised my morale. Everyone in my circle was very afraid of failing at such an important point in our student lives, but none of us had any problems.
It was Carmen, and her example, that made me change. Since she had lived away from home, when she came by, she seemed like someone else, more mature, more interesting. She always had something different to tell us, she shared her ideas with my parents, something that was unheard of before. She seemed like a different person altogether.
My father used to say that, if he had known, he would have sent her away from home earlier. It was a joke of course, just tongue in cheek, because being the eldest, she was His little girl. Well, Chelito too, being the youngest, she was His little one. Everyone could see that the girls were his favorites, although that didnt stop him from being demanding with them like he was with us. They didnt get any bad grades, of course they never brought them to him if they did, but whenever they had an exam, he managed to help them out and explain things to them properly until they understood. That said, he also helped the three of us, I cant complain about that, it was always very important to him for all of us to study, and that we worked toward a good future for ourselves, as he used to tell us, even though we were small and we didnt know what those words meant.
<<<<< >>>>>
Upon entering that place, where there were so many books all over the place, in an order that Im sure the gentleman knew, but which at first glance just seemed like they were all over the place, with books piled up everywhere, I remembered once when I was little, when I went to my grandparents house and they were cleaning. I think it was because there had been a leak and the builders had to fix it, and then paint the room. I was so young that I still hadnt started school and neither the twins nor the little one had been born.
My mother took me to my grandparents house, because she had to help Grandma with all that clutter, as she put it. Well, that was what came to mind now, because it was the only time Id seen so many bits and pieces accumulated, there were boxes everywhere.
What struck me the most though was that my grandfathers books, which were always so well positioned in their place, were now in heaps on the floor, yes, on the floor. How could that be? And there were so many of them, so many, why would he want so many? Would he have read them all? Well, I dont know if I had that thought at the time, or if it had come to me later, when I was a little older.
Every time I entered his office I would ask:
Grandpa, have you read all these books? All of them? Every one? There were books almost as far up as the ceiling and I was sure he couldnt even reach up there.
Yes, young Manu, and many more, he replied cheerfully, and Im sure youll do so too when youre older, because Im going to let you read all of them if you want to.
I was elated just looking at them, such colors, so thick, so many of them, and all placed there on their shelves. What patience he must have had to be able to have everything in order. He never let me touch them when I wanted to take one to see the pictures.
Little one, he told me, thats not to be touched. When youre older, if you behave yourself, Ill let you see them.
Now, looking distractedly at all these piles in front of me, I thought about how difficult it must have been for my grandfather to place his books on the shelves again, and to leave them all in place following that cleaning of the room. Yet my grandfather continued with his order and his readings, which years later he shared with Carmen, who was interested in the same subject, because she studied law just as he did.
<<<<< >>>>>
The owner of the bookstore had moved slowly, because he could barely walk. He assisted himself with an old cane, and still talking to us, he moved between the tables full of stacks of books to one in particular. With a trembling hand he pulled out two or three books from a stack and told me:
Here is everything you need young man, but I have to warn you about something. Using a mysterious voice, he asked me softly, his piercing eyes fixed on mine, So, if youre not a believer, what are you?
Im an atheist, I said very quietly, fearing his reaction, because I didnt know how else I could answer.
But, a real atheist? Or one of those whos just saying so because its fashionable? he asked me.
A real one, what do you think? That its like a sweater that I can put on or take off when it gets stained? I said a little seriously, because his observation had not gone down too well with me.
Alright, an atheist. You wont like hearing this, but I dont believe you are, he said seriously.
I really am, Im not deceiving you, I told him softly, although I dont know why we were talking quietly, only the librarian was there and she could hear us anyway.
Look young man, an atheist as I understand it, is someone who doesnt want to know anything about anything, he said very seriously, and even less so when it comes to these matters. Im not fooled, Im already too old and Ive seen many things, I can identify those people as soon as they open their mouths.
Yes, youre not wrong sir, I said, but were not all the same, Im not searching for anything else, only the answers, scientific ones if possible, to some events that happened in one place, nothing more.
As the conversation appeared very tense, the librarian, Pilar, as I had heard her being called earlier, subtly asked:
Do you have anything new that would interest me?
I always have something new, you know that, youre the one who doesnt want to visit me.
While they went on talking, I took a look at the books he had suggested to me. There were several, and I said to myself: Why so many on the same topic? I think one will be enough. Of course I didnt realize that the subject was important enough to warrant so much being written about it, and I wasnt aware that I was delving deeper and deeper into it.
Pilar approached me, because the old man had gone to the door as the postman had arrived and from there we heard him say:
Hello, did you bring me something today? he asked in a jolly tone.
Some document or other, its in here somewhere, the postman answered.
Its a good thing that at least someone remembers I exist, because if it werent for you, I wouldnt talk to anyone for days on end, the old man told the postman from the doorway of the bookstore.
That being said, I see you have lots of company today. Ill leave you to it, it seems that everyones decided to write today and I have a lot of work to be getting on with, said the postman leaving.
When he was alone, the gentleman slowly approached us again, while Pilar had begun to leaf through one of the books piled up in front of us.
I dont know this one, she said surprised, when did it arrive?
Exactly, I told you I had new material, the man answered smiling, because its been here, waiting for you to remember yes, I think a few months back.
I took a look at the book she had in her hands, it was in English, and it surprised me that she knew it, given how difficult it was. That language was my torment, French had been easy, but one day my father asked me:
Son, why dont you study English? just like that when he came into the house.
What for? Im never going to England, I said with wide eyes.
Well, you dont know that, and its always good to learn new things, he replied.
But Dad, I already have enough to deal with in my study books, I protested to get out of it, and I dont have much spare time, do you really want to complicate my life further?
Look, no more talk, Ive seen an academy where theyre going to start teaching classes in that language and I thought it was interesting. Ive been thinking about it on the way home and I think it would be good for you, he responded, answering the question definitively in that way he did when he didnt want to continue talking about something.
My grandparents were eating at our house that day, and my grandfather intervened immediately, agreeing with my father saying:
These boys never want to make any effort, with the beauty of studying and a language is always interesting.
Grandpa, said Chelito, beauty, beauty, sometimes its very difficult and boring what you have to read, and then theres all the work they give you, why is it needed? I dont get it.
Listen child, Im sure that, even though you dont understand it right now, when you grow up youll understand, and youll thank your parents who have made you study.
But why dont you study as a grown-up? Thats when you need it, she insisted.
Look, what would you think if your Mom only gave you food when you were older? How would you grow? Grandpa asked her.
But its not the same Grandpa, otherwise I would get very hungry and I would surely even die, said Chelito very seriously.
Well, its the same thing with your studies, you have to start them when youre young and build upon them as you grow up. Look, young Manu, he said looking at me.
Grandpa, Im older now, please call me Manuel, I said, half angrily.
But why do you want me to call you that? Then what do you have to call me? he said in a surprised tone.
Everyone at the table laughed and he went on.