Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss - Veronica Semenova 3 стр.

Funerals and rituals are socially required: they play no role in accepting death or helping us heal

Cultural and religious traditions in memorial services and funeral arrangements serve a great purpose of providing a safe and calming environment allowing the relatives and friends of the deceased to mourn their loss. They instill order in the face of shock and overwhelming pain and serve as an important step in the process of grieving. The denial of loss will usually be resolved after the funeral, as obvious facts of saying good byes and burying the body make the reality of loss hard to avoid. And finally, even though we dont like doing things that are socially required, knowing that the memorial service was attended by all those close to the deceased and the family of the deceased, who expressed condolences and grieved together with the family, also provides a soothing effect of knowing a family is not alone in its grief. The family also finds comfort in knowing that the deceased would have approved of the ceremony held in his/her memory and would have been touched by such an outpouring of kind words and memories and the support for his/her loved ones.

If you are a strong person, you will keep yourself collected, in control, and not show how upset you are by crying. Crying doesnt help.

The days are long gone when crying in public or displaying emotions was considered to be embarrassing or a sign of weakness. Today we know that even the strongest of us cry: it takes strength to express emotions, and crying holds a therapeutic effect by relieving the pressure of internal pain and releasing it through tears. Cry if you feel like crying, and dont hold back. Crying is healing, revealing that you are human, too, and that your heart is not made of stone. Allow yourself the luxury of being weak when being strong serves no purpose. Crying helps, and should never be considered a sign of weakness.

You will cry, mourning the loss of a very special person in your life: but remember that its the life that was lost; not the relationship. Your relationship with the person will continue no matter what, through memories and keeping that person in your heart.

You may mourn the loss of your hopes for the future with this person, but remember that you can go on in the future and do things you were planning to do together in the memory of your loved one.

Going on with your life means putting behind you the memories of your loved one and your life together

Moving on with your life means processing loss and focusing on major tasks that need to be completed in order to emerge from grief. These include accepting the reality of a changed world, taking time off from the pain of grief, adjusting to a world that doesnt include the deceased, and developing a different connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. The deceased will not (and should not) be forgotten in order to emerge from grief. Quite the contrary: incorporating loss and memories of the loved one into ones new life after loss helps grievers move on. It may be helpful to remember the deceased by engaging in activities that help commemorate a loved one. Examples include attending religious services, visiting the gravesite, praying, creating a memory book with photos and stories, or assembling a memory box with the belongings of the deceased, or giving to a good cause such as medical research, a scholarship fund, or charity.

You need to keep yourself busy and distract yourself with other activities, rather than actively grieve your loss

Grief is a process that requires a lot of work from the bereaved. Avoiding dealing with grief will only extend a cycle that needs to be completed in order to emerge from grief. Take time to grieve your loss, and dont be hard on yourself. The grief process may turn into a roller coaster with many ups and downs if you dont process and come to terms with your feelings. The feelings you will experience are yours and yours alone. They are neither right nor wrong; they just need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

I could continue this list, but I think you understand that most things that we hear when someone passes away are dysfunctional and negative beliefs that often dictate our behaviors and lead to a worsening of bereavement in grief. I hope that, with time, these negative beliefs can be left in the past where they rightly belong.

How to Help Yourself in Grief

One of the strongest reasons for writing this book was to provide enough information to put the myths about grief to rest and assure grievers that everything they feel is normal, and that they have a right to behave as they feel. Holding on to myths can hinder the healing process and lead to depression and frustration. It is very important to have realistic expectations of what you may and will experience in grief.

These true expectations are:

Grieving is a natural process

It leads slowly from the pain of loss to a new life without the deceased. You dont get over it: you learn to live with it.

Your grief will change with time

It does not always decrease intensity. The grief process is much more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs happening at times when you least expect them.

You are the expert about your own grief

No one can understand your grief better than you do.

When you grieve, you grieve not only the person you have lost

You also grieve all the hopes and dreams you held for a future with the person who died.

You have the right to your own feelings

No feelings are right or wrong: they just are, and you and other people around you need to respect that. Give yourself permission to feel and express all the emotions you are experiencing.

Crying is one of the ways of coping with grief

Tears help us release the pain and pressure from within. Crying doesnt mean that you are weak or cannot control yourself. Tears mean that you have loved. Crying helps you heal. So go ahead and cry.

You will experience physical problems as you grieve

Our immune system is strongly influenced by our emotions. In times of acute stress, our bodies defenses are focused on restoring emotional and physical balance, and the immune systems ability to fight bacteria, viruses, and cancer cells is impaired. Loss of appetite or overeating, lack of sleep or lethargy, and lack of physical activity are just a few critical symptoms of grief. Therefore, when in grief, it is very important to take care of yourself. Fresh air, walks, rest, physical activity, and good food are essential to keep the body functioning and the immune system strong. Try to stay away from drugs, alcohol, or tranquilizing medications as these can delay your healing. Be good to yourself.

Grief brings despair

You may feel you have nothing to live for. Sometimes you might wish your life would end, to stop the pain. Please remember that you are not alone. Many people feel and think this way, but over time their pain lessened and they found a sense of meaning and went on living. Time may not heal all wounds, but it helps.

You will experience physical problems as you grieve

Our immune system is strongly influenced by our emotions. In times of acute stress, our bodies defenses are focused on restoring emotional and physical balance, and the immune systems ability to fight bacteria, viruses, and cancer cells is impaired. Loss of appetite or overeating, lack of sleep or lethargy, and lack of physical activity are just a few critical symptoms of grief. Therefore, when in grief, it is very important to take care of yourself. Fresh air, walks, rest, physical activity, and good food are essential to keep the body functioning and the immune system strong. Try to stay away from drugs, alcohol, or tranquilizing medications as these can delay your healing. Be good to yourself.

Grief brings despair

You may feel you have nothing to live for. Sometimes you might wish your life would end, to stop the pain. Please remember that you are not alone. Many people feel and think this way, but over time their pain lessened and they found a sense of meaning and went on living. Time may not heal all wounds, but it helps.

You may blame yourself for your mistakes

Some mistakes may be real, while others are imaginary. Talk about your thoughts with others: it helps. Find a therapist who works with grief if you feel that self-blame and guilt are hindering your healing. It is possible to find forgiveness and restructure even the heaviest guilt.

It is normal to feel angry when grieving

You may feel angry at the person who died (or left you alone), at other family members, at doctors or anyone who didnt save your loved one or did not do enough to help, at other families who have not lost their loved ones  even at God and the whole Universe. Releasing your anger and working with it helps you heal. Suppressing anger leads to depression and harms you physically.

The death of a loved one can challenge your beliefs

These beliefs may be in God, in your religion, or in the justice of the Universe. There is nothing wrong with it. Many people find answers in their religion during times of grief: they find a deeper meaning of life, their faith, and overall philosophy.

The loss of your loved one may trigger grief for earlier losses that you had not resolved at the time when they occurred

Unresolved losses, guilt, and self-blame will need to be resolved as part of confronting your current loss. Think of this as a chance to heal your old wounds; to become free from carrying heavy old luggage.

Grief will evoke your own mortality issues and force you to re-evaluate your identity

Give yourself time to process these important aspects. Seek help, if necessary.

Give yourself permission to grieve

Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

What Not to Say to a Grieving Person

Many grieving individuals are even more hurt by the sayings and meaningless phrases that are commonly said to someone who has lost a loved one. One of the most common is I know how you feel, my mom/dad/cousin/friend died last year. However, comparing tragedies and losses is never helpful. It is NOT what a grieving person needs to hear at the time of loss.

Below is a list of hurtful and damaging sayings that bring no relief to a grieving person. Some people dont even know why they say those things. Often the situation is awkward, and these words come to mind because we heard them from others, or heard our parents saying them in response to loss. Most of these sayings refer to getting over the loss quickly and offer advice on how to avoid the pain. But as I explain in this book, avoiding the pain and skipping the grieving stages (or going through them too quickly) is not a realistic expectation.

Trying to avoid the pain or reminders of loss is unhelpful, will backfire at a later stage, and will only cause more pain and destruction. Please consider avoiding common platitudes and click phrases and think about offering more thoughtful and meaningful support to a grieving person.

Platitudes and sayings to avoid include:

1. I know how you feel.

2. God has a plan for all of us.

3. Just look at all the things you have to be thankful for.

4. He is in a better place now.

5. God needed another angel.

6. At least he is not suffering anymore.

7. She is at peace now.

8. Everything is for the best.

9. Thank God, you/others are still alive. It could have been worse.

10. You still got your other kids/spouse/other parent.

11. Dont cry it will not change what happened, and will only upset you.

12. This, too, will pass.

13. He lived a full life.

14. God never gives you more than you can handle.

15. You need to get on with your life.

16. You are strong, you can handle this.

17. You must be strong for the kids/for others.

18. You will get over it in time.

19. Time heals all wounds.

20. In a year everything will be ok.

21. Youll be fine, just give it some time.

22. You are young, you could always have more children.

23. You need to be a man in the house now/you need to take over his/her duties now.

All of the above phrases are not helpful, can cause further pain and demonstrate to the person that the feelings of grief he/she experiences are not valid, should not be expressed or felt. Instead of saying these, please consider helping the grieving person by offering support from the examples listed below.

How to Help a Grieving Person

When you find yourself next to a grieving person, do not be afraid. The death of a loved one is a natural event in life, and can happen to any of us. There are some basic rules on what to do and say. As we discussed, many of them will depend on the stage of grief a person is going through and the type of loss experienced. Here are some common tips on what to do or say to help someone in grief.

Be present

Just be there. Give the grieving person a hug or a kiss, hold their hand, and offer them a shoulder to cry on. Say «Im sorry», «I am here for you», «I care». Even if you dont know what to say, your presence provides comfort, and so is helpful.

Acknowledge the loss in an honest way

Do not avoid the words «died» or «killed», and do not substitute them for euphemisms like «passed away». Say «I heard that your father died. I am so sorry for your loss».

Make your presence felt by offering practical help

Do not say «Call me if there is anything I can do». Instead, say «Im going shopping. I can bring you bread, milk, or fruits. Is there anything else you need from the store?» Volunteer to take the children to school or take care of them at your house. Come and make lunch, or help with laundry and water plants. Make your presence felt.