Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss - Veronica Semenova 4 стр.

Make tea or coffee, sit down with the grieving person, and listen

Let the grieving person talk when they are ready. Dont ask how they feel and dont tell them how they should feel or what they should do. Instead, say: «Would you like to talk?», or just listen. This is what is needed most at this moment: quiet support.

Dont say or pretend that you know how they feel

The truth is, you dont. Comparing losses and tragedies is never helpful. Dont pity the grieving person, but do express sympathy. Being next to the grieving person can make us feel helpless and awkward. It is better if you are honest and say: «I am not sure what to say to you or how to help you, but I want you to know I care. I am so sorry for your loss».

Often, the grieving person will ask: Why?

This is not a question, but an expression of pain. You cant answer that either, so simply reply: «I dont know».

Do not use formulated statements

Statements like Its all in Gods hands or It is Gods will or You will be alright soon are not helpful. They cant console, they sound fake, and they can be alienating. Better say nothing or offer a hug instead.

There is no schedule for grieving

There is no timeframe of how long the mourning and grieving will take. Be patient. Stand by the grieving person. Be there to listen to them. Share fond memories of the deceased. Most grieving people will find relief by talking about the deceased, and they love to hear stories about their lost one. Do not try to change the subject, but encourage these conversations. They are truly healing.

Respect all feelings the grieving person expresses

Encourage them to cry or vent out anger. Never say «You shouldnt feel like that». Feelings are neither right nor wrong: they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

Remember: a grieving person may have low self-esteem and may blame themselves

This blame may apply for events leading to the death or for their relationship with the deceased. Encourage them to discuss this.

Help the grieving person take good care of themselves

Cook and eat together, go for walks, and encourage exercise. Rest, diet, and exercise are critical to restoring physical and mental well-being.

Do not offer tranquilizers or sleeping aids without a doctors advice

Much like alcohol and drugs, they may offer temporary relief, but will usually only hinder the healing process.

Chapter three. Stages of Grief

Stages of grieving, as suggested by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, are known to many as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In 1970, Bowlby and Parker suggested that the stages of grieving should be described as numbness, pining, disorganization, and reorganization. Whichever model of separating the stages is examined, it is important to know that the duration and intensity of each stage may vary greatly, that stages can overlap or occur together, and that a grieving individual can miss one or more stages altogether.

It is also not unusual for someone to go back and forth between the stages as important pieces of information about the nature or causes of death, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, and events in the family can newly aggravate grief symptoms and re-launch a grief stage from the past. Getting stuck in a stage or a major variation in the process may be considered pathological and would require a call for action, such as consulting a therapist for help.

Stage 1  Denial

Loss is always a shock, so the first reaction that follows the death of a loved one is denial of the fact that the loss has occurred. The loss seems unreal. The griever thinks he could turn back time, wake up, and everything will be as it was before the loss. It seems impossible that the person loved and lost could be no more. You know you sound irrational, but you still believe things could go back to how they were before, and that what you lost will return. It may be a way for your brain to shut down in an effort to self-preserve and block the first wave of pain. Thoughts like He has not died, She will be back, or He could not have left me are common in this stage.

Denial is also associated with isolation, where the grieving person will insist on being left alone and will require time to process what happened. This is absolutely normal. Give the person as much space and time as they need. A couple of days or weeks would be enough for this stage, but watch out if it lasts longer than a month. Make sure the person knows you are there for him or her, if they need to talk or just want «silent company». Suggest that you could go for a walk, drive around, visit the cemetery, or go to church together. Any shared activity could help the grieving person feel that life has not stopped and that they need to process their loss. Usually the stage of denial and isolation ends by itself as the grieving persons mind tapers into the «unsafe» territory of loss and begins to embrace it.

Stage 2  Anger

After you realize that you have lost something or someone who was dear to you, it is normal to start feeling angry. It is the first realization that the loss is real. When you start looking for something or someone to blame for the loss, you may feel guilty for not protecting your loved one or not being there when they died. Intense emotions enter, and you start to blame everything around you  God, the Universe, your job/or responsibilities that kept you away, doctors, the healthcare system, people who were with the deceased at the time of death  anyone or anything that could have contributed to the death or who, in your opinion, were not good enough to save your loved one. Questions come to your mind: Why me?, How could this happen to me?, Why would God not protect me and my loved one?. Anger and rage are normal at this stage; however, anger in grief is not akin to anger in ordinary daily life. The cause of this anger cant be undone: no one can make it right. Anger in grief is not directed at anyone in particular; therefore, it can involve anyone around the grieving person, even the grieving person him/herself.

If you are dealing with someone in the anger stage of grief, let the person vent their emotions, listen to him/her, and do not advise them to calm down or control themselves. Just be there and support them while looking after them to ensure they are safe and are not contemplating hurting themselves or others.

Stage 3  Bargaining

This stage comes when you start pondering if there was anything that you could have done differently to prevent the loss. You begin reflecting about how things could have been different: «This would not have happened if I did not do this or did not say that» or «If only we had gone to see a doctor earlier». It is a typical cognitive discussion, and in a way it is even helpful in reconstructing the events and causes leading to the death of a loved one. Often such bargaining processes help the grieving person receive approval from those around them, along with the reassurance that they could not have changed what happened, they did all they could, and that the loss was not their fault. This is one of the most critical stages of grieving and requires the most support from others. Listen to the person in the bargaining stage. Let them tell you all of their conditional thoughts, including what they think could or should have happened. Make sure to encourage them to share as much as possible, but do not interrupt them or tell them that their thoughts are irrational. Be gentle, take time to talk about everything, and reassure them that certain events in life are beyond our control. Suggest undertaking some activity that the deceased enjoyed, or always talked about experiencing, in the future. Be there when emotions start pouring out.

Stage 4  Depression

This stage is really the time to say good-bye. You have exhausted your anger, bargaining has led nowhere, and you realize the lost loved one is not coming back. There is nothing you can do, no one you can blame, and no reasons, excuses, or negotiations that can bring the lost person back. It is the feeling of sadness, of actual irreversible loss, that is embraced during this stage. According to clinical science, depression can be categorized as low mood, insomnia or hypersomnia, fatigue, feelings of guilt, sadness, hopelessness, diminished interest in usual activities, irritability, or lack of concentration. All of these feelings are normal for grief; however, the major difference between grief and depression is that the above symptoms in grief focus on the absence of the loved person, while in depression they focus on ones self and feelings of helplessness or hopelessness about current or future situations.

What can you do when someone close to you is suffering from depression? The first rule is to not tell them that you know how it feels. The truth is  you dont. Everyone carries their own cross, and everyones sadness is different. The best you can do is be there, silent or talking, and make your presence felt. Cook a meal, make a cup of tea, and take care of the person going through this stage. Ensure that they feel listened to and that they can talk to you about anything. Watch out for suicidal thoughts  you need to get help, in that case. Often you will hear thoughts like Ive lost any meaning in life: acknowledge that, but be firm in reassuring the person that life also can continue with the memory of the late loved one. Ask the grieving person how their loved one would have liked to have seen them at this moment, and what would they have wanted them to do.

Dealing with depression is not an easy task. There are specific chemical processes happening in the brain and body of a depressed person which are difficult to reverse. In depression, the interaction of the endocrine system with the immune and the nervous systems is altered, as neurological processes activated by chronic stress and by depression are similar. During depression, the levels of catecholamines  serotonin, noradrenaline, dopamine drop, and glutamate  raise.

Depression has been associated with the weakening of the immune system. Depressed individuals suffer from impairments of the sleep cycle such as insomnia, further reinforced by the lack of physical exercise and an alteration of eating patterns. Therefore, the critical task in this stage is to encourage the grieving person to take care of themselves and pay attention to their own health by maintaining a well-balanced diet, taking the necessary medications, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and avoiding excessive alcohol, smoking, drugs, or other self-destructive behavior. Exercise is particularly important as it helps restore the chemical balance in a persons brain by adjusting the levels of neurotransmitters and hormones.

Stage 5  Acceptance

This stage is the trickiest stage of all. People may think they have accepted their loss, when really they havent. In fact, every big milestone and every major event in life will trigger grief again, over and over. This is normal, as it is hard (or even impossible) to accept that someone so important and dear to you is gone. Some people will claim that they have accepted the loss immediately after their loved one has passed away, while others will come to this stage only after passing through all the other stages first. No matter what the timing, the real manifestation of acceptance is the calmness a grieving person will experience as they move on with their life, discovering meaning in continued living and finding the strength and motivation to move on. Acceptance of loss does not mean forgetting the person who passed away or changing your life to avoid any reminders of the loss. Acceptance is more about integrating the loss into your life and moving on while holding onto the heritage of the person you lost and using this as your strength.

Death is a given from the moment we are born. It is the one sure thing that will happen to every one of us, no matter our social position, health status, education, or political values. Grief is strengthened by the realization that we are not immune from death. Awareness of ones mortality is a conscious perception; an anticipation of the inevitable, which human beings often fear to embrace.

Integration of our own and our loved ones mortality is a very important step in achieving psychological wellness and avoiding living in fear. The time of death is beyond our control, much as the time of birth is beyond our control before we are born. Thus, acceptance is a truly powerful and important stage in the grieving process, allowing the person to grow stronger, value life more, and honor the memories of a lost loved one by continuing this life journey.

Chapter four. Types of Losses

Some losses may be easier to come to terms with than others: for example, the death of elderly family members. Other losses, such as losses of children or young adults to accidents, illnesses, or wars, are far harder to process. When an elderly person dies, I often hear people saying that he or she lived a good and long life. That doesnt mean that the spouse or the children will not grieve their loss. Every death takes away a part of the life of the grieving person, as well as reminding them about their own mortality and awakening the fear of death.

In general, the death of a child and the death of an elderly person have a lot of similarities and differences as far as the grief process and adapting to the loss are concerned. Due to the nature of the loss and the expectation that parents are expected to die before their children, the loss of a child is an unexpected event; while the loss of an elderly person, in contrast, is usually an expected one. This, however, does not mean that the loss of an elderly person will not evoke emotional distress and grief. The disruption of the child-parent bond causes emotional upset and bereavement irrespective of timing, when it dissolves.

In the following chapters we will look at the differences that the loss of a spouse, parent, child, or sibling bring with them. No loss is easy, so by no means should one consider that it may be easier to cope with one type of loss over the other. As we discussed before, our grief depends on the level of attachment and on the type of the relationship we had with the deceased. So the more you cared for the person while he or she were alive and the more you felt attached to and depended upon the person, the more you will grieve the loss of the attachment bond and the more difficult learning to live with that loss will be. One of the further chapters will also talk about the loss of a loved one through suicide.

Anger, despair, emptiness, and being haunted by question «why?» are some of the difficult feelings the loved ones of the deceased go through as they cope with their sudden loss.

Chapter five. Loss of a Parent