Conversations with the Psychologist
Veronica Semenova
© Veronica Semenova, 2020
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Important Note
This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
Any person with a condition requiring medical attention should consult a qualified medical professional or suitable therapist.
Veronica Semenova, Ph. D. is a private practicing psychologist, a psychotherapist, and is a member of the American Psychological Association, Psi Chi International Honor Society in Psychology, and the Association for Psychological Therapies.
Dr. Semenova is the author of numerous articles and several books (Faces of Grief; Learn How to Cope with Death, Loss, Grief, and Bereavement Helpful Tips from the Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy). She is a regular guest on a weekly radio program on psychology and a member of the editorial board of the peer-reviewed journal Journal of Social, Behavioral, and Health Sciences (JSBHS).
Visit Dr. Semenovas website at www.vsemenova.com for more information.
Chapter one. Problems of a Personal Nature
Irritation, Anger And Rage: How To Break The Vicious Circle?
Question: Recently, I get irritated with everything. I get mad with everyone around me, and I yell and insult those who upset me. I even fought with my boyfriend. At the moment of anger, I feel that I cannot control myself. After an outburst of anger I feel better but then I feel ashamed and guilty for my behavior and for upsetting those close to me. What can I do? How can I learn to deal with anger and control myself?
Irritation, anger, and rage are links in one chain emotional reactions to the environmental discrepancies between a persons inner requirements (that is, the discrepancy between the desired) and the reality (the actual). We expect that we will be treated fairly. For example, we expect that our relatives will respect us and listen to our opinion. We expect that government employees will do their work correctly and in the specified time.
Every time our expectations fail, the gap is filled with irritation and anger. Every time someone breaks our rules and the terms of our agreements, or acts against our will, we are challenged to react and show irritation. We may accept this challenge or we can reject it. The choice is ours.
The intensity of irritation can also be estimated on an emotional scale from 1 to 10:
1. Light irritation
2. Irritation
3. Discontent
4. Disappointment
5. Unwillingness to accept the situation
6. Anger
7. Resentment
8. Hatred
9. Rage
10. Fury
When we accept that the outside world can control our emotions, we allow for a very easy and convenient excuse not to assume responsibility for our own actions and reactions.
Ive had enough! He drives me mad! I cant take it any longer! This is how we often summarize the unpleasant experience of our own anger.
When you accept that other people have the power to influence the situation and your emotions, you are not only shifting the blame onto them, but you waive your right to influence the situation and have a choice of how to react. You put yourself in the position of being a victim.
We must avoid feeling like we are victims of external factors. Of course we cant influence what other people are doing, but it is within our power to control how we react to events, and what decisions are made. So, freedom lies within this small space between the stimulus (the event) and our reaction to it. We should not surrender this freedom to those people or events that irritate us.
Next, I will describe how we can work with anger problems using cognitive-behavioral therapy.
PREPARATION: Weighing the Pros and Cons
The main thing to realize when dealing with anger is that you have the right to choose. In our lives, there are a huge range of things and events that we can not control. These include the weather, the past, other people, intrusive thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions.
But there is something that we can control-our ability to make choices. We choose what to do in bad weather (for example, take an umbrella with us); we choose what lesson to learn from the past; and we decide how to respond to other people and what to do with intrusive thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions. The main idea is that we can either choose to focus on what is beyond our control, or on what we do control.
I guess that you, like me, will choose the second option.
We may not be able to control anger, but we have full control over what we do with it. We can be angry and passive, angry and aggressive, or angry and assertive in our actions. The choice is ours. Anger speeds up our reactions and can give the illusion that there is no choice involved. But there is always a choice, and when we recognize our right to make a choice, we become stronger.
1. Destruction of the Rules Should/Must
The first step is to recognize that the rules should and must should be destroyed. We apply these rules to our own reactions as well as to the behaviors of others. We also try to comply with other peoples rules. For example, we demand: He must listen to my opinion, or They should not interfere in my life, or I must control the situation. But in reality, people dont listen. They often interfere in our lives, and we dont control situations and the results of our actions.
To begin with, we can acknowledge circumstances as they are, accepting reality rather than fighting against it, trying to change it, or denying its existence. We do not control other people, but we do control our choices.
Furthermore, based on our values, we choose the direction in which we will move. How do we understand our values? Values are the basis of the rules should/must, the breaking of which angers, frustrates, and enrages us. Ask yourself: What positive value was included in my rule?
He must listen to my opinion may imply the importance of communication, understanding, and cooperation. They should not interfere in my life may imply the importance of values such as freedom, respect, and self-development.
We are not in a position to control or force other people to follow our rules. We only control whether we do.
And, finally, we begin to act according to our values. Ask yourself two questions: 1) What do I want to get in the long run? and 2) What constructive steps can I take towards this direction?
People can ignore your demands and wishes and violate your rules. What can you do when this happens? You can continue to adhere to your values, respecting your own rights and principles and cultivating honesty in dealing with other people. Thus, you will be part of the solution, not the problem.
2. What Causes Pain?
The second step is to analyze what hurts when your rules are violated. Breaking some rules directly hurts self-esteem, affecting ones sense of self-worth and worldview. For example, when your rule is violated, you may think: I am a victim, or I am helpless in this situation, or The world is unjust.
And, of course, most of all, we are hurt by our inability to change the behaviors of other people.
At this point, it is useful to think about the following: There is no reason to believe that I can change the behavior of other people. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and beliefs. Everyone has their own values and rules. Perhaps the behavior that I regard as violating my rules is actually an attempt to help me, from this persons viewpoint.
Then I can consider myself not as a victim, but as a person who is offered help.
3. Negative Automatic Thoughts
The third step is to develop answers to negative automatic thoughts arising when anger strikes through the formulation of more rational, balanced arguments.
Negative: How dare he!
Rationality: He thinks he can help me.
Negative: He must be so stupid.
Rationality: We are all people, and no one is perfect.
4. Anger
The fourth step is to respond to the anger arousal itself. We can practice relaxation (progressive muscle relaxation, visualization, and music relaxation). Or we can change the meaning of anger for ourselves, perceiving anger as an energy useful for problem-solving. It is the energy to achieve the right result and to do the right thing that corresponds to our values and principles.
Anger becomes a problem if we use it in violation of these principles. It is a problem if we use this energy to treat people other than we would want to be treated. It is a problem if this energy fuels aggression. Anger can be used for creative purposes and for positive and principled actions.
5. Moral Reinforcement
The fifth step is to analyze what beliefs turn your anger into aggression. This rationalization justifies destructive behavior. He deserved it, I want them to be hurt as much as they have hurt me, This is the only way they will understand that they cant do this to me, To hell with them-Ive had enough, or I do not care are examples of these rationalizations.
We must admit that these beliefs are counterproductive and contrary to our moral values as they involve threats, sarcasm, accusations, and insults. We can remind ourselves of the costs of such strategies and turn to others (such as patience, understanding, compassion, and tact) which reflect our values and beliefs more accurately.
6. Aggression
The sixth step is to analyze the individual types of behavior that arise with anger. It is important to understand that by allowing ourselves to act aggressively, we violate the rights of others. We can change this by trying to empathize with those who cause our irritation and anger.
Put yourself in their place and imagine what they think and feel, then try to understand their point of view.
This will help:
1. To reduce anger.
2. Reduce the anger of the other person.
3. Increase the possibility that we will be heard.
4. Increase the possibility that we will be able to enter into a rational and reasonable discussion about the situation or behavior causing our anger.
7. The Result
The seventh step is to reduce feelings of shame and guilt. Many people consider every episode of anger as a recurring failure, a defeat, and an inability to cope and control themselves. But every episode of anger can be turned into a step towards victory over failures if we analyze and change our non-productive should/must rules, anger-supporting beliefs, and the negative automatic thoughts and behavior we use when we feel anger. Thus, the episodes of anger will occur less often and become less intense.
This seven-step program is a mechanism for dealing with aggression. Anger is usually perceived as an instant reaction and loss of control. But we can learn to see anger as the energy arising when our expectations are not met, when they conflict with reality. This energy can help correct the discrepancy. Thus, the most important decision that we need to make is how to use this energy.
Separating the work with anger into step-by-step process will help you realize that you choose to not lose control, and are able to cope with anger episodes to prevent future outbursts.
Even a very conscious person sometimes falls into the trap of his own anger. How he then feels will depend on his ability to use special tools.
Self-development and understanding how to control anger and how to keep your cool will be achieved gradually, step by step, year after year. Practicing anger management gives us the experience to effectively manage our emotions.
Good luck!
Life Revision
Question: Recently, I heard that in order to attract success in your life, you need to get rid of all thats unnecessary to clear the space for new and better things in your life. Its easy to do that in a house by clearing the clutter and making space for new things. But how can I make a revision of life? When should it be done? And what if the results are still not satisfactory?
Our lives are hectic. Days pass with routines, vanity, and haste. We have so many commitments and tasks to complete that we hardly ever get to think about our own lives. But the truth is: we only have one life. Today is not a dress rehearsal for tomorrow, which means that we must live well, happily, and in love and joy, today. In order for this to happen, it is useful to periodically conduct a so-called revision of life, asking yourself a series of questions aimed at identifying problematic aspects in this or that area of life.
Here are the areas that I recommend you analyze.
Relationships With Oneself
We can analyze how we care for ourselves and our health, our self-satisfaction, and the presence of fears and anxieties, personal goals, aspirations, and motivation. Here is a recommended set of questions that you can ask yourself to help analyze your relationship with yourself.
Am I comfortable being alone with myself? Do I know my real self, hidden under many layers of habits and psychological defenses?
Does the image of myself that I demonstrate to the world suit me? If not, why am I afraid to show my real self? Is it the fear of being judged? Or is it a fear of being rejected?
With whom is it easy or difficult for me to be sincere, and why?
How do I take care of myself (eating, sleeping, walking, exercising, medical checkups, beauty treatments, shopping, talking with friends)? Can I allocate more time to doing things that are good and useful for me, and less to things that bring no value or which dont benefit my health and wellbeing?
To live a full life, you need to discover a true self. To live happily means to be who you really are, not what you or someone else would like to see in you. We all have fears. We often deceive ourselves and not accept who we are. But harmony and happiness come when inner tension from rejecting ones self is replaced by an understanding of ones own characteristics and awareness of ones uniqueness.
Having understood your self, you can evaluate what aspects of your life suit you and how to change your life so that your outer self corresponds better to the inner self.