She kept this up for the next half hour, as we toured round the guests, singing the praises of Leo, Alice, and the book. Leo and Clark were circling the room in the opposite direction, but before our paths could cross, Claire from the publishing company tapped her glass for attention, and after a gushing introduction, Leo delivered his speech. He carried it off brilliantly, his lovely mellifluous voice caressing each of the words I had written for him. Everyone laughed, sighed, and nodded at the right moments, and I was about to lead the applause when Leo fiddled with his glasses, a sure sign of his discomfort.
I cant let the moment pass by without acknowledging the contribution of one special person, he said. This wasnt in the speech. Was he going to declare his devotion to Clark, in front of all these people? In front of me?
Audrey and I were lurking at the back of the room. Even so, Leo found me through the crowd of smartly dressed people. He smiled, and I knew that I shouldnt have doubted him.
There is nothing in life so satisfying as a shared passion, he said. Audrey took hold of my hand, clearly having less faith in Leo than I had. This book would not be the success it is without the encouragement of my wonderful helpmeet, Mary Black. Mary, this book is dedicated to you, with eternal thanks.
The second that followed seemed to stretch for hours, as no one knew quite how to react. Audrey saved the moment.
How marvellous! she cried, and raised her champagne glass. To Mary Black!
As the applause died down, Leo made his way towards us and Audrey melted away into the crowd.
You changed the speech, I said.
I only added the words that you were too modest to write.
Too discreet, not modest: we never publicly acknowledged how large a contribution I made to Leos work. Encouragement wasnt the word I would have chosen.
Tonight seems to have gone well, I said. Everyone I spoke to loves the book. There should be some glowing reviews at the weekend.
Im told there will be half a page in The Times. Well convert the nation to Alice lovers yet!
And hopefully make some money in the process, I added, wishing that I didnt always have to be the practical one, keeping a firm grip on the strings of his balloon, stopping him getting carried away with academic enthusiasm. It was the job I had done for years, never questioning our roles. I wondered what it would be like to have someone anchoring my strings, letting me fly high.
Mums enjoying herself, isnt she?
You know she loves seeing your success. And shes thrilled about Ethan coming back.
How do you know about that? Leos voice was unexpectedly sharp. Has he contacted you?
No, why would he? Audrey told me earlier. Shes hoping hell stay until Christmas.
Christmas? No, he wont last so long. He was made to be the single man about New York. You should come round for dinner, he said, unexpectedly changing the subject. Clark is an excellent cook.
Tonight? I had a snack earlier with the children.
No, not tonight. Come round properly, for a dinner party. Clark, Leo said. I hadnt noticed Clark creep up, and forced myself to smile. Tell Mary that wed love to have her over for a dinner party.
Of course we would. Clarks smile was undoubtedly genuine. It was infuriatingly impossible to dislike him. Nothing formal. Supper with a few friends. Why dont you two fix a date and Ill see who else is free?
Marvellous, I said, hiding my true feelings behind Audreys favourite word again. Ill look forward to it.
It wasnt entirely a lie. I was curious to see Leos new home. The children had stayed over, but there was only so much information I could pump out of them. And I supposed I should be grateful now for any opportunity for a night out. An invitation from my ex-husband and his gay lover might be the best offer I had all year. It hit me, as the smartly dressed people swirled around me, the exotic cocktail of perfumes wafted past my nose, and excited chatter swept by my ears, that this might be my farewell performance on this stage. I had always been invited to these events as Leos wife. Where did that leave me now?
As I glanced around the room, searching for Audrey, my eyes were drawn to all the things I had ignored before: the reassuring touch on the small of a back; the secret smile exchanged across the expanse of the room; the speculative wink received with an encouraging blush. My radar was on high alert: I sensed relationships at every stage in all corners of the room. And I had never felt so alone in all my life.
Did Dad say anything last night? Ava asked the next morning, as she waved a piece of toast around, never quite bringing it within biting distance of her mouth.
Yes. He gave a speech about Alice Hornby. It went well.
Ava tutted, rolled her eyes, and dropped the toast onto her plate.
I dont mean about that, she said, fourteen years of accumulated disgust throbbing in every word. Did he mention the sleepover?
What sleepover? My own toast fell to my plate. I wasnt going to like it, whatever it was; I knew by the way Ava was flicking her mousey hair in an artificially nonchalant way. She might look like a Black, but her character had been cut from the same cloth as mine. I glanced at Jonas, but he had his earphones in, and gave a shrug that either meant he hadnt heard, or didnt want to get involved. He resembled me, but his temperament was entirely Leo. It was hard to say which of them had the better deal.
I thought Id invite a few friends for a sleepover, probably on the Bank Holiday weekend. Chloe can come, Ava said, knowing that I wouldnt disapprove of Daisys daughter, and instantly making me worry who else she might want to invite. Surely not boys, at fourteen? My heart thudded at the very idea.
Thats great! I said, smiling too brightly in my relief that it was nothing worse than a sleepover. We can rent a film and Ill make popcorn and pizza
No need for that. Ava had twisted her hair so tightly round her finger that when she let go, it stayed in a ringlet. We wont be here. Were going to Dads.
Dads?
Yeah, Clark said it would be okay.
Clark?
Its his flat too. They have two spare bedrooms.
So our one spare bedroom was no longer enough. My eyes flicked around the kitchen, taking in the relics of a family breakfast: toast crumbs on the worktop; a sticky trail of honey leading from the jar to the sink where the knife had been dumped; a couple of stray cornflakes on the floor; a puddle of milk on the table. And that was only as far as I could see: if I turned around, I would spot the pile of abandoned shoes, the coats and blazers thrown over the furniture, and the school books in a muddled heap, and not in school bags as I had requested last night. Of course Clarks flat would be preferable to this. But I loved it here, whatever state it was in. My happiest memories were here, papered on the walls and blooming in the garden: memories of my father, before my mother drove him away, and memories of Leo and the children, before I had driven him away. One throwaway remark from Ava had prodded all my bruises: that was life with teenagers. I was a parent, not a human being: I wasnt allowed to feel.
Its a long way for everyone to go, I said, foolishly believing this was an innocuous remark. But that was another reality of living with teenagers: no remark was unarguable.
Its a long way for everyone to go, I said, foolishly believing this was an innocuous remark. But that was another reality of living with teenagers: no remark was unarguable.
No, its not. If you drive us, it will only be an hour. And at least theres something to do there.
At Clarks? What can you do that you cant do here?
We can go shopping, obviously.
Shopping? With Dad?
On our own. We dont want Dad. Hes got less fashion sense than you. We dont want to go to Marks & Spencer or somewhere like that.
I discreetly felt the back of my top, making sure the M&S label was tucked down. It was rare that I had the advantage over Leo, especially where Ava was concerned. But then I stopped the thought, shame prickling across my chest. It wasnt a competition. How could I be so disloyal as to feel a flicker of pleasure that for once I wasnt the most embarrassing parent?
I stood up and began the usual morning routine of nagging and chivvying, in the vain hope that we might leave the house on time. Jonas chucked a few things in his rucksack, picked up an apple, ran his hands through his hair and was ready. Ten minutes later, Ava was still upstairs, titivating as my mother would have said. I bellowed up the stairs, sounding too much like Mum for comfort.
Ava stomped down after the third bellow. Her black eyeliner was so thick it looked like shed applied it with a permanent marker pen, but I knew better than to start that discussion when we were pushed for time.
Ive not finished my hair! Ava grumbled, standing a few stairs up from the bottom so that she could glower down at me more effectively. Look at it! She grabbed a chunk and waved it in my direction. I havent straightened this side. The kink is still there. Im going to look hideous all day and its all your fault!
Ava and her kink were legendary in our house: no one else saw it, but it caused her endless angst. And of course it was my fault, even though my hair was ruler straight, and if Ava did have a kink, it undoubtedly came from her Black genes; everything had been my fault since the day Leo moved out, and most of the time before that. The next stage in the familiar tirade was to blame me that she had inherited Leos mousey colouring, rather than my Celtic black hair and green eyes. Sure enough, Ava opened her mouth to begin the argument, but I bit my tongue, and whisked her and Jonas out of the house without another word.
It was no surprise that by the time we turned up at Broadholme, there were only a couple of minutes left before registration.
We were never late when Dad brought us, Ava pointed out. That was too much. Leo had done nothing but drive the car, oblivious to everything I had done to get the children from their beds to the car door. But before I could retaliate, Jonas patted my arm.
Chill, Mum, he said. Were here now.
I nodded in response to these wise teenage words, and to make up for my near grumpiness, I used my pass to enter the teachers car park: the pass was a perk of being on the PTA, although we were only meant to use it when we attended meetings. While the children took forever to gather their stuff, I loitered in the disabled space, engine running like a furtive getaway driver. Three loud knocks shook my window. I pressed the button to open it.
Mrs Black, you know I should give you detention for abusing your PTA pass. Owen Ferguson peered in at my open window, a warm smile making a joke of his words. I hope you have an excellent excuse.
Can I blame the dog? Thats the traditional excuse, isnt it?
It is. Whose homework has Dotty eaten? Owen smiled across at Jonas, who shrugged, and at Ava in the back, who flushed pink and avoided eye contact. Id love to hear how missing homework can explain your presence in the teachers car park.
I laughed. Okay, youve rumbled me. Dotty is innocent. We were running late, thats all. Theres no hope of escaping that detention, is there?
Oh, I dont know about that. Perhaps we could discuss it over an after-school drink?
An after-school drink? What on earth did that mean? An instant coffee in the staff room with a borrowed mug, or a proper drink in the pub in the evening? Did he mean just the two of us? Alone? A date? Id never been on a date in my life. The moment stretched. Embarrassment stole over Owens face. Jonas and Ava were staring at me; I didnt need to see them to know that. The ghost of Leo hovered over my shoulder. Owens head was framed in the rectangle of the window, gentleness and kindness engraved on every feature. How could I be anxious about anyone who reminded me so much of Leo?
A drink sounds great, I said. Let me know when youre free.
Owen looked surprised, but then smiled with more pleasure than my agreement could possibly deserve.
I will do. He tapped his watch. Come on, you two, time for registration.
He wandered off, but despite his warning, there was no movement from within my car.
Mum! I turned to see Avas wide-eyed, stricken face. What are you doing? You cant go for a drink with Mr Ferguson.
Why not?
Hes a teacher! Ava said this with the expression and tone of voice that might have been justified if she was outing Owen as a cannibal. But I could still feel the warm glow from his smile, making me defiant.
So what? Im pretty sure hes a man as well.
Urgh, thats just gross.
What is?
You and Mr Ferguson kissing.
Were not kissing. Of course, I immediately started thinking about kissing. Could I kiss Owen? His lips were plumper than Leos. Would that feel odd? The whole idea of kissing other lips seemed odd. I had never expected to do it, had never wanted to do it, except once, in one mad, extraordinary moment Heat rushed across my skin. Lets see how the drink goes first.
Jonas pulled out one earphone, and grinned.
Go on, Mum, he said. Hell be lucky to have you.
Ava reached across from the back seat and punched him on the shoulder.
Shut up. Its embarrassing. Shes too old for all that.
Im only thirty-eight.
Exactly!
Dads forty-two.
But hes not going out with one of my teachers! What will my friends say? It will be so embarrassing. I cant believe youre doing this to us. Youre so selfish.
Ava got out of the car, slammed the door, and stomped off without saying goodbye. Jonas loitered, passenger door open.
Its okay, he said, gazing at me with eyes that were just like mine, only without the bags and wrinkles. You deserve some fun. Shell get used to it.
I didnt believe either statement, but leaned across the handbrake and kissed his cheek. He submitted before pulling away and strolling into school. I waited in the car park until he was out of sight, grateful that while I had lost so much, I still had my lovely, peace-keeping boy.
Chapter 6
A few years ago I set up an informal meals on wheels service for the older residents of the village, so early the next week, when I was left with an extra meal at lunchtime, I dropped in at Audreys house to see if she wanted it.
Audrey! I called, as I pushed open the door with my shoulder, balancing the plate of food in my hands. Its only me! One of the old dears went out shopping and forgot I was coming, so I have