Audrey! I called, as I pushed open the door with my shoulder, balancing the plate of food in my hands. Its only me! One of the old dears went out shopping and forgot I was coming, so I have
The plate fell to the ground, bouncing on the lino and sending vegetables rolling. Audrey was lying on the floor, half in the kitchen, half in the hall. She was wearing her pyjamas and slippers; a mug lay on its side on the hall carpet beyond Audreys head, surrounded by a brown stain; there was another stain on the kitchen lino, spreading from beneath Audreys legs. The smell of rich morning urine filled the room.
Dont come in, Mary. Audreys voice was faint, weakened by fear. A sheen of sweat shimmered on her face, around eyes that were enormous and terrified. Audrey, my lovely, lively Audrey, looked as if every second of her sixty-five years had stamped their mark on her all at once, adding ten more years for good measure.
Whats happened? I asked, stepping over some stray broccoli, and kneeling at her side. Her left arm was tucked underneath her at an awkward angle. I took her right hand, rubbing it between mine, trying to add warmth. How long have you been here? Since breakfast?
I tripped over the door plate
The door plate between the kitchen and the hall had been loose for months. I had told Leo before Christmas, and he had promised to fix it but as usual, I hadnt wanted to nag. Why hadnt I pressed him? Why hadnt I fixed it myself? Was it because somewhere in my head, I hadnt accepted that this post-Leo world was real?
Where are you hurt? Can you tell?
My arm. Mainly my wrist. I cant lean on it to get up.
Dont try. Im calling an ambulance.
I started to stand, but Audrey clutched my arm. Her grasp was as feeble as a childs.
No. I cant go in an ambulance like this.
I nodded, understanding exactly what she meant. I ran upstairs to her bedroom and picked out a fresh pair of knickers and pyjamas. It was an effort to put them on, as I feared exacerbating injuries or causing Audrey pain; she closed her eyes when I inched down her knickers, and I stopped, terrified I might be damaging a broken hip, but she insisted I carry on. It never occurred to me to be embarrassed. I would walk on hot coals rather than undress my own mum, but this was Audrey. Nothing was too much for her.
I couldnt change her pyjama top, as I couldnt risk disturbing her arm.
I dont match! she said, with a hint of her normal self.
I dont expect the paramedics will mind, I replied, putting down the phone after calling for an ambulance. Well tell them that its the latest fashion: mismatched pyjamas as daywear. In fact, if Im quick, I could go and put on some random nightwear too, to establish the trend.
That raised a weak smile, which was better than nothing, and while we waited for the ambulance I followed Audreys instructions and washed her face, applied lipstick, and spritzed her with perfume. I tried ringing Leo, but he was on voicemail, so I left a message. Then all I could do was wait.
We seemed to spend hours in A&E, but at least when Audrey was finally seen, the news wasnt as bad as it might have been. Audrey had suffered a Colles fracture, which meant that shed broken the bone in her left arm just above the wrist. It was a clean break, and didnt need surgery, but she would be in a plaster cast for up to six weeks, and she could have residual stiffness for up to a year. For a fiercely independent woman, who was prone to think herself half her actual age, it was hard to accept, and I turned my back, pretending to read a poster while Audrey shed some discreet tears.
Has Leo not telephoned? she asked, while we waited for confirmation that she could go home.
Not yet. Ive left a couple of messages.
What about Ethan? Have you let him know that Im fine? I would hate for him to be anxious.
I havent told Ethan. It hadnt crossed my mind. What use would he be, in New York? I dont have his number.
What time will it be over there? About lunchtime? Do call him. Hell tell me off if he finds out days after the event. Take my phone and give him a ring. Make sure he knows that Im right as rain, and theres no cause for panic.
Reluctantly, I took Audreys phone and went outside, squeezing past the smokers balancing on crutches at the entrance of the hospital, to find an empty bench. Ethans number rang out, and I scuffed my feet under the bench, hoping for voicemail.
Hello, Mum! I wasnt expecting to hear from you today. What are you up to?
I had to lift the phone away from my ear: the love that poured from it, coupled with that familiar Lancashire accent with a New York twist, caught my breath in a way I hadnt expected.
Mum? Are you there?
Its Mary.
Hello, Mary Black! What are you doing brightening my day? And then his tone changed as realisation dawned. Mary? Is something wrong?
Its all fine, but Audrey wanted me to let you know that she fell over today
How bad is it? Ethan interrupted. His voice was raw with fear. I wished this job hadnt fallen to me. Leo should have been the one to tell him if only Leo had returned my calls. No varnish, Mary. Is she okay?
She will be. Shes fractured her wrist her left one, so shell still be able to use her right hand. Although not for a few days. Shes bruised her knee, so will need a stick for a while until that settles.
Can I talk to her?
Ring her in a couple of hours. Ill have taken her home by then.
You will? Wheres Leo?
It was an innocent-sounding question, and I had an innocent answer ready. But I kicked at the gravel under my feet, reluctant to give it.
I havent been able to speak to him yet. Hes probably at work.
The silence stretched until I thought we might have been cut off. That probably wouldnt have convinced Ethan; he must know that it was after five over here.
Will you look after her? Ethan said at last. I know Ive no right to ask now, but
You dont need to ask. Shes my friend. Of course Im going to look after her.
Let me know if she needs anything. He paused. Youre a star, Mary Black. You know that, dont you?
I didnt; I lived with two teenagers. Far from being celestial, most days I felt as important as something theyd trodden in. But Ethan had a way of making the mundane sound extraordinary, and the extraordinary sound magnificent. I had forgotten quite how potent he could be.
We had been home for a couple of hours before Leo called back, and then, at least, he drove straight over. Audrey had fallen asleep, lying on the sofa in front of the television, worn out by the drama of the day and the drugs given to her by the hospital.
Where have you been? I hissed at Leo, as he hovered in the doorway, looking at Audrey. The irony wasnt lost on me, that I sounded more like a jealous wife than at any time during our marriage.
I had no university work today, and Clark took the day off, so we
I held up my hand; I didnt want to hear what they had been up to.
Didnt you have your phone? What if there had been an emergency with the children?
He had the grace to look guilty, but I was too highly wound today to let it go.
You cant cut us off completely, Leo. Youve only loosened the strings, not untied them. You still have a family, and sometimes we need you.
You cant cut us off completely, Leo. Youve only loosened the strings, not untied them. You still have a family, and sometimes we need you.
I appreciate that. Im not trying to cut you off. When I made plans with Clark, I couldnt have known there would be an emergency today.
There could be an emergency any day. Thats the point. Theyre unscheduled. You need to keep your phone on when youre not teaching, or at least check your messages occasionally. If youre so keen not to be disturbed, I promise Ill only ever ring if its a matter of life or death.
Life, death, or literature. He smiled, trying to make amends by resurrecting an old joke we had shared, but I wasnt ready to soften yet.
Audrey needed you, Leo. She wanted to see you. The fall has shaken her more than you realise. I had no trouble contacting Ethan, and hes on a different continent and time zone.
Ethan? Audrey snuffled and stirred as Leo raised his voice. When did you speak to Ethan?
This afternoon.
Do you often ring him?
No. Why would I? I sat down, across the room from Leo, confused by the look he was giving me and the sudden interrogation. I dont even have his number. I called him because Audrey asked me to. Whats the problem?
There isnt one. Leo sat down next to me. His hair was soft and fluffy, as if hed recently had a shower, but there was no smell of Johnsons baby shampoo. Instead, when I leaned closer, pretending to adjust the cushion behind me, I was struck by an exotic aroma that made me think of expensive hotels not that I had much experience of those. But youre clearly wound up, Leo continued. I hope he hasnt said anything to aggravate or upset you. At least you wont have to see him again. Dont they say that one of the greatest advantages of divorce is being able to drop the in-laws?
I wouldnt blame him if Leo thought that: Id often be happy to drop my mother, preferably from a great height. But while I had rarely seen Ethan over the years of our marriage, it was painful to think that rarely might turn to never. Our connection went beyond my marriage; Ethan had been a good friend, an integral part of my growing up, as essential as Leo, in a different way. We had been in the same year at school, and had almost gone to the same university until Leo had proposed when he graduated from Oxford and persuaded me to change to Manchester so we could stay close together.
Ethans not the problem, I muttered, but Leo was watching Audrey and didnt appear to be listening.
Dont worry about Ethan, he said, patting my hand as if I were his maiden aunt. Ill speak to him and make sure he leaves you alone.
Chapter 7
Audrey was a terrible patient, every bit as bad as I expected: not because she was demanding, but because she refused to make any demands. I had to go round earlier and earlier each morning to try to catch her before she attempted to dress herself; if it carried on, there would barely be a gap between putting her to bed and getting her up.
Leo came over on the Friday afternoon following Audreys accident, and worked in the study so that I could have the afternoon off to visit a couple of bookshops. I had compiled a list of shops within a thirty-mile radius, and intended to visit them all over the coming weeks to see if any would be interested in an author event with Leo to promote the Alice Hornby biography. My enthusiasm was trampled when the first shop turned me away almost immediately, but the owner of the second shop agreed to attend the Foxwood Farm event the following weekend and meet Leo before deciding whether to invite him to hold a signing. Now I had to hope that Leo rose to the occasion.
Neither of the children would agree to come to the Foxwood Farm Lancashire Evening, and as I still wasnt used to appearing anywhere on my own, I invited Daisy to join me. The rain of the morning had finally broken to reveal a dazzling blue sky, and the temperature had risen from coat to cardigan warmth, so I walked through the village to collect Daisy at her house. She opened the front door before I was halfway up the path, and quickly pulled it shut behind her.
You cant come in, she said, dispensing with the customary hello and starting up the path with her bag in tow. The house is a tip. Chloe is at her dads this weekend, so Im having a sneaky sort out of all the old clothes and toys that shed never let me throw away if she was here.
You should have said. I would have offered to help.
I know you would. Daisy followed me through the gate and left it swinging at a forlorn angle. I went back and closed it. But I only really wanted to clear out a few things. Youd have blitzed the house like a military operation. Youd have shot me at point blank range for suggesting something had sentimental value.
Thats unfair. I would have tried diplomatic negotiation first. I smiled, but Daisys words stung. The efficient and capable label was so firmly sewn onto the back of my neck that I couldnt imagine the world held a pair of scissors sharp enough to cut it out.
Foxwood Farm was situated at the southern edge of the village, a pleasant stroll away in the spring sunshine. The farm was looking magnificent, decorated for the event with flags and bunting showing the red rose of Lancashire. It was too early in the year for real roses, but tubs and flowerbeds filled the farmyard and pansies, tulips, and azaleas danced in a brilliant display of colour. As the weather had turned fair, the cobbled courtyard outside the main barn where the event was taking place had been scattered with bales of hay covered in furry sheepskin rugs to make benches, and old crates covered in crisp white cloths provided makeshift tables. Large braziers stood around the edge of the area, already flickering with flames that would light up the area as darkness crept in. Although we were on time being efficient and capable, I was never wilfully late a decent crowd was already milling around in the evening sunshine, colouring the air with conversation and laughter. I reached out and grasped Daisys arm, sent off-balance by an unexpected shot of loneliness.
Lets get a drink, Daisy said, and dragged me inside. It was quieter here, apart from a small group gathered in front of a table that was set out as a bar. There was an impressive display of Lancashire drinks: real ale with weird and wonderful names from a micro-brewery a few miles away; sloe gin and blueberry vodka from a farm in a nearby village; and a delicious selection of soft drinks from Fitzgeralds, the famous temperance bar. I picked up a glass of wine.
Thats French. Daisy pointed disapprovingly at my glass. She had chosen a pint of beer, an incongruous sight in her dainty hands, but she carried it off; she was one of those naturally pretty women who could carry off anything. Beside her petite blonde figure, I looked like the Grim Reapers warm-up act. If we werent such friends I would never have stood within ten feet of her. Youre not being loyal to the spirit of the evening.
The glass hovered halfway to my lips, as my values battled with my need for wine. Luckily Lindsay, who had organised the event, was nearby and solved my dilemma.
We used a Lancashire wine merchant, she said. It was the closest we could get. I drank half my glass, conscience clear. Lindsay smiled, and leaned across to kiss my cheek. You deserve that wine after your hard work this afternoon. The display looks great.