Lindsay gestured over to one corner of the barn. The central space was set out with chairs ready for the entertainment to begin, and each performer not a word I had dared use to Leos face had been allocated an area to display their work around the sides. Leos table was a shrine to Alice Hornby. The famous picture of her stood on an easel in the centre, surrounded by glass boxes containing replicas of some of her personal items: a tiny pair of outdoor shoes, complete with battens; an ivory fan; a purse embroidered with miniature birds, which we believed Alice had sewn herself. One box held a couple of pages of a draft of her most famous novel, The Gentlemans Daughter; her handwriting was as familiar as my own, and thrilled me every time I saw it. A discreet pile of Leos book lay at the rear of the display, along with postcards and bookmarks bearing some of Alices most beautiful quotations. I had also added some leaflets about the Alice Hornby Society, which Leo and I had started ten years ago in a bid to connect fans of her work and promote awareness of her writing.
Is Leo outside? Lindsay asked, glancing at her watch. Were starting with the rock choir soon, and Leos on after that.
I dont know where he is.
Have you lost him?
How could I reply to that? I had lost him, but in a more permanent way than Lindsay meant. Amazingly, and despite my conviction that the whole world must be talking about us, it seemed that there was one house in Stoneybrook where the gossip had not yet spread.
Were not Above the chatter around us, the clink of my wedding ring against my glass was deafening. I couldnt finish the sentence. I finished my wine instead. Daisy gripped my hand.
Mary and Leo are divorced, she said, leaning towards Lindsay and lowering her voice. Leo lives in Manchester now. He may be delayed by traffic.
She stopped there, giving only half the news; the rest would be obvious soon enough. And the sympathy in Lindsays eyes, when she pulled me into a brief hug, was quite enough to bear without witnessing her reaction to the rest of it. How long would it be before someone looked at me without pity or curiosity? I longed for a life of quiet anonymity again.
The rock choir were halfway through their set of songs by North West artists, and were belting out an arrangement of Elbows Open Arms which moistened even my stubbornly dry old eyes, when Leo sauntered in with Clark. I slipped out of my seat and met them at the back of the barn, horribly conscious that many members of the audience were watching us.
Hello, I whispered, dragging up my public smile, and kissing them each in turn. Leo still didnt smell like my Leo, and he had cut his hair much shorter, losing the fluffiness that had characterised him for the last twenty years. The new look suited him. Youre in perfect time. The choir has one more song after this, and then its your turn. Ive marked the passage that youre reading. I delved into my handbag and pulled out a copy of the book, adorned with Post-it Notes. And try to squeeze in a mention of the Alice Hornby Society. Ive left some application forms on the display over there.
Leo turned in the direction I was pointing.
It looks wonderful, Mary, well done. You never let me down.
Those words, which would have once meant so much, could only ever be bittersweet now. Loud applause for the choir shattered the awkwardness of the moment, and I motioned to Leo to go to the front, while I resumed my seat next to Daisy. Clark remained standing, leaning against the wall, his attention wholly on Leo.
Lindsay welcomed Leo, and then Leo made a few opening remarks and began to read from the book. I had chosen a lively passage, describing a prank that Alice and her sister had played on their hated governess, and which had gone on to form the basis of a scene in her most famous book, and the audience laughed as I had hoped. But I was hardly paying attention to the words, too transfixed by Leo. He didnt smell like my Leo; he no longer looked like my Leo; and he performed for the audience in a way that my Leo would never have done. He was relaxed, smiling, comfortable in himself as he had never been in the days of our marriage. There was no doubting why. Whenever his gaze swept the room, it always lingered over Clark.
The applause when he finished was as rapturous as it had been for the choir, and way beyond anything I had expected. I rose from my seat, propelled by pride, heedless of the fact that no one else was giving a standing ovation until Daisy yanked me back down.
He was great, Daisy said, with undisguised surprise. He made me want to buy the book, and Lord knows there have been times when I thought I might go insane if I heard the name Alice Hornby again.
Youre a philistine. She is the worlds greatest writer.
Dont waste your breath on me. I wont read anything unless it has a glossy cover and celebrity interviews. She looked over at Leo, who had now joined Clark. They were talking, heads bent close together, tightly bound to each other even though they werent touching. Hes changed. He looks She screwed up her eyes, studying him. Free.
That was it, exactly. Perhaps because Daisy hadnt seen Leo for a few months, the alteration was obvious to her. Leo did look free: free of care, free of pretence, free of being someone he was not. Free of me. Our stars had been aligned for so long; but his had now risen to a height that seemed well beyond my reach.
A performance poet came next, entertaining us in a traditional Lancashire dialect, followed by a popular local folk band, before supper was served Lancashire hotpot, served with pickled red cabbage, which was simple but delicious. I was one of the last to be served, distracted by talking to the bookshop owner who had previously promised to attend, and by that time many of the guests had wandered outside to enjoy their food. Carrying my plate of steaming hotpot, I headed the same way, trying to find Daisy. She was never easy to spot in a crowd, but I located her at last, talking to a tall blond man who had his back to me. His head was tilted down towards her, exposing a stretch of tanned skin between the collar of his shirt and his exceptionally neat hairline a perfect horizontal line that my finger itched to trace. I must have drunk more than I thought, because as I stared at his neck, my lips tingled with an inexplicable urge to taste that warm skin.
Heat raced through my blood, carrying with it the echo of a long-forgotten memory. My feet wouldnt move, either forwards or backwards. And then Daisy glanced in my direction, waved, and her companion turned and smiled. My lungs seized with horror, shame, and sheer wrongness as I realised that the stranger who had stirred the unfamiliar desire, reminded me of the passion that I had chosen to live without, wasnt a stranger at all. It was my brother-in-law, Ethan.
In my frantic haste to return to the barn, I crashed into a man in the doorway, sending a lump of red cabbage somersaulting onto his pale shirt. Efficient and capable? I had never felt less.
Mary? The man took hold of my arm and steadied me. It was Owen. I hadnt known he was coming tonight. He smiled and I relaxed. Whats the matter? You look like youve seen the proverbial ghost.
Sorry, I said, fighting to return to normal. Look at your shirt. I picked off a clinging shred of cabbage. A pink stain remained. I have something that will get that out, if you let me have it.
Now? Youd like me to take my shirt off here?
Now? Youd like me to take my shirt off here?
No, of course not It took me a moment to realise he was joking.
Dont worry. I can wash my own shirt.
Can you? Leo had never touched a washing machine, as far as I knew.
Shall we start again? Owen let go of my arm. Hello, Mary, its good to see you. Come and sit down and eat your hotpot.
There was something so gloriously mundane about that sentence, that I let him steer me over to some empty chairs. He chatted about Lucilla and school, and the brilliance of the rock choir, while I picked at my food. I thought Id lost my appetite, but Owen was such restful, easy company that my plate soon emptied. He took if off me and stood up.
Another wine or would you like a coffee?
Wine, please.
He threaded his way to the bar, squeezing past people with polite diffidence. There was something solidly reassuring about his broad back and sturdy waist. Light brown hair lapped over his collar; no sliver of exposed neck there to catch women unawares. Panic fluttered in my chest. It hadnt been Ethan, surely? He was in New York. Audrey had mentioned him yesterday, doing something or other in New York. He wasnt supposed to be in the country until July, so he couldnt be here, right now, at Foxwood Farm, and I couldnt be fantasising about his neck. It was impossible, and it was wrong. Unnatural. Undesirable. Undesirable desire. I was in danger of becoming hysterical.
This isnt what I had in mind when I suggested we should have a drink together, Owen said, handing over my wine. Were under scrutiny.
Are we? I looked around, expecting to see Daisy watching, but instead found Leo gazing our way.
Your ex-husband? Owen indicated Leo, and I nodded, unable to say the word that would acknowledge that ex. Youre still on good terms?
Yes. Well always be friends.
Friends? I frowned, unable to read Owens tone, and wary of making a wrong assumption about what he was asking. This was a whole new world to me: men had only ever been men, not potential boyfriends or partners. I didnt know the rules of this game, or understand the language in which it was played. Owen helped me out. Im a simple soul, Mary. I like you. I dont like complications. If it may prove to be a temporary split
It wont. No one could see Clark and Leo together and have any doubts about that.
And that other man?
I turned to where Owen indicated, assuming he was referring to Clark. My stomach heaved, and not in reaction to the hotpot. It was Ethan. Ethan was here, tonight, in Stoneybrook, not in New York. So that reaction earlier had been to Ethan I applied my mental blinkers, shutting out that thought.
Ethan. Leos brother.
I suppose it will take time for them to accept you have separate lives now. Not just them. I smiled, an automatic rather than meaningful gesture, but Owen leant forward. Are you still up for that drink? Perhaps without the minders?
Even I couldnt misunderstand that. I hesitated, feeling as if the room had fallen silent, and every pair of eyes and ears were waiting for my response including mine. My gaze wandered over Owens face, past honest brown eyes, a straightforward smile, and on to a delightfully ordinary neck.
Yes. What about Tuesday?
Are you trying to get squiffy, Mary Black? The music isnt that bad.
Warm breath blew against my ear, and I turned to face Ethan. He still wore the smile of the thirteen-year-old boy I had first met: confident, cheeky, effortless.
I love the music. The arrangements are amazing.
A trio of young men were playing jazzed-up versions of old Lancashire songs with extraordinary energy and vigour. It was a mesmerising performance, and had drawn in most of the people who had remained outside after supper. I had been queuing at the bar when they started, and had been too entranced to move away.
The arrangements? Or the handsome young men in dinner jackets? Ethan laughed. You always were much more cultural than me.
Surely not even you can have lived in New York for so long without some culture rubbing off. You have Broadway, the Met, the MOMA
And the New York Yankees. Much more my thing. Theres more drama in a baseball game than in any Broadway play.
Have you ever been to a Broadway play?
Yes. Dont look so surprised. I made it all the way through The Phantom of the Opera, and Id only had two beers. I needed more than two to recover afterwards.
He laughed, and it was impossible not to join him. This was good; this was normal. I hadnt looked at or thought about his neck once.
What are you doing here?
Mum gave me her ticket. She thought one of the family should support Leo.
Did you hear him?
I arrived just in time and lurked at the side.
I didnt notice you.
No. You never did notice anyone else when Leo was around.
That was true; or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I had chosen not to look. Except once but I mustnt think about that.
I actually meant what are you doing here, in England. Audrey said you were coming over in the summer.
I brought it forward. I wanted to see how she was.
And how is she? I asked, poised to be offended if he suggested in any way that I wasnt looking after her properly.
Shes great. He smiled, reading me far too well, even after all this time. I knew youd care for her. But you shouldnt have to. Shes our responsibility.
Briefly he rested his hand on my arm, softening the rejection that his words might have given.
I dont give a stuff about whose responsibility it is, I said. I do it out of love. You wont stop me.
Then well do it together. Ill be your humble servant, Mary Black.
He clicked his heels together, and bent over in a deep bow, flicking a glance full of mischief at me as he did. Then his face and body straightened as he looked over my shoulder. Hello, Leo.
Ethan.
Great performance earlier.
Thank you.
I swivelled from one to the other. They werent close they were too different for that but this clipped formality was new. Had something happened between them? Leo clearly wasnt surprised to see Ethan here, although he hadnt told me that he was coming home.
Mary, Ive spoken to Clark, and we wondered about next Friday, Leo said.
Friday? Do you want to do something with the children? Because Ava has maths clinic after school
No, not for the children. For the dinner party. I had forgotten all about it. Leo had mentioned the dinner party at his book launch a few weeks ago, but hadnt raised the subject since then. Youll be free, on a Friday night, wont you?
Yes, I suppose so. Of course I was. When did I ever do anything? Tuesday, I remembered with a jolt. I was going out on Tuesday too, on my date with Owen. Where might that lead? I brushed my hair off my face, conscious that Leo and Ethan were watching me. A memory raced into my head, only a snatch but so clear that I shivered, feeling again the cold night air, the soft rain tickling my cheeks, the heat of a bonfire on my skin, and the gentle touch of a hand brushing aside my hair