Thoughts of hallowed ground brought me back to the dream, which wasnt hard. I still ached inside due to the loss shed felt. For years, Id tried never to think about my biological mother because it hurt me too much. Now I was feeling all of her pain, and it left mine in the dust.
But I couldnt focus on that right now. There were other, more important things than the past to dwell on.
Adrian, why didnt you tell me some demons couldve stayed behind in our world after the realm gateways were sealed off?
CHAPTER NINE
HE STARED AT ME, and I realized the emotions the dream had brought up had sharpened my tone, until my question was more accusation than query. I faked a cough to lessen the tension.
Granted, that should have occurred to me because I met the demon you held captive on cursed earth beneath the church, but for some reason, it didnt. You had to have noticed that, yet you never corrected me about it. Why?
He sighed, getting up and pulling down one of our suitcases from a small, overhead bin. I hadnt seen him put them up there, but from his change of clothes and freshly showered, damp hair, hed been awake and getting stuff done while I slumbered.
I didnt think it would be a problem, he said, setting the suitcase on the end of the futon. It was mine, and yes, I would need it soon so I could change, but I wasnt putting off this conversation any longer. Adrian had a very disturbing tendency not to tell me important things if he thought I couldnt handle them, and that had to stop. Now.
How could you not think that? Demons being loose in our world was always a problem, and I had the entirety of human history as my Exhibit A on that point.
He sighed again. Only very powerful demons would have access to relics strong enough to curse large patches of earth, and what were the chances of lots of them being on this side of the realms when the gateways closed? Yeah, I knew a few might, but I thought theyd be stuck in a small spot, unable to move or be a threat, like Blinky when I had him trapped. I certainly didnt expect Obsidiana to rally minions to attack you, or to use mirrors to come after you herself.
Mirrors might not be the same as the now-closed demon realm gateways, since they didnt act as a bridge from one realm to another, but with demons still in our world, they were dangerous. No wonder Adrian still smashed the mirrors in our hotel rooms. Id thought hed done it solely out of habit.
I hadnt expected that, either, I said. And you should have told me it was possible.
Im sorry, he said softly, closing the distance between us. If Id thought for a second that you would get hurt
You got hurt, I interrupted, the memory of him nearly bleeding to death hardening my voice. And Jasmine and Costa almost did, too. Its always made things worse when you keep things to yourself. You know that, so why did you do it again?
He looked away in obvious guilt. Not that the attacks were your fault, I hastily added. Whether you had told us or not, we still would have gone looking for the spearhead. I just hate that youre still keeping secrets. I might have had a hard time dealing with things when we first met, but Im not that same girl anymore.
A muscle ticked in his jaw, and it took several seconds before he met my eyes again. When he did, his jaw was set in granite, yet flashes of pain skipped over his expression.
Fine. Then theres something else you need to know, and youre not going to like it.
Tell me, I breathed, my breath hitching. This had to be the unspoken issue Id been feeling between us. It wasnt just paranoiahe had been holding something back!
Adrian stared at me, his fists clenching and unclenching as if he were fighting a terrible inner battle.
The truth is... He stopped, took a deep breath, then said the next part in a rush. You cant beat the demons, Ivy, no matter what. You closed their realms off for now, but demons dont age or die of natural causes, so theyll just wait until the realm walls eventually weaken and the gateways reopen. When that happens, theyll go back to enslaving humans and making more minions, so even if you find and wield the spearhead, they still win.
I stared at him, my jaw feeling like it had dropped into my chest. You cant believe that.
His gaze hardened until his eyes resembled silver-encrusted sapphires. I lived with demons for over a hundred years. Yeah, some want to kill you because you murdered hundreds of their kind, but most demons arent sentimental. Hunting you puts them at risk, since you have a weapon that can kill them. But leaving you alone only costs them their current slaves if you succeed with the spearhead, and none of them think you will.
He didnt say it, but I could hear, And neither do I, in the silence that followed. Id always known that my chances werent good, but I hadnt given up hope that somehow Id pull off saving those trapped people. Had I only been fooling myself by training to build up my strength? Had it all been a waste of time because I never stood a chance? And was it pointless anyway because, no matter what, the demons would win in the end?
Thanks for telling me this, I said in a very calm tone. Now, Im going to get dressed and check on Brutus. Id been intending to do that anyway, and after these revelations, I needed to be by myself.
Adrians hands closed over my shoulders. Ivy, wait
Its okay, I said, shaking him off. You told me the truth, and Im glad. I just need a little time to let it sink in. Come on, were on a train, so you know Im not going anywhere. Besides, youre not the only one whos allowed to storm off to be brooding and moody.
He didnt smile at my halfhearted attempt at humor. Fine, he said, moving so he no longer blocked the small door. Take as long as you need.
CHAPTER TEN
BRUTUS SEEMED TO love being in the luggage car of the train. It had no windows, so he wouldnt have had to hide from the sun during the day, and hed perched himself on top of a pile of soft-sided luggage like a king on a throne. Add that to the large cooler full of raw meat that Adrian had left for him, and I could see trains becoming the gargoyles preferred mode of travel.
I spent about fifteen minutes with Brutus, petting him and praising him while my mind was a million miles away. Then I left the luggage car, but I didnt head back to my cabin. I was still too upset. My new, overwhelming sense of futility was now matched by an anger darker than Id ever felt.
What was the point in my bio mother going through all that pain to give me up, if I wouldnt be safe like shed been promised? What was the point in breaking Adrians heart by dying trying to wield a weapon that would probably kill me long before I was able to free the trapped humans? Worse, what was the point in anything Id done? Id closed the realms, but as I now knew, that only amounted to a pause button for the demons in those worlds. As for the ones in this world, thanks to cursed earth, they could wait it out. Then theyd be right back to enslaving and killing humans, and everything Id done to stop them would be no more than a punch line on my deluded, very short life.
Perhaps worst of all, I was endangering everyone I loved to keep looking for a weapon I might never find. It was one thing when I thought we were searching for the spearhead in a demon-free world. Now I knew that demons could pounce around any corner. How could I do that to my sister and Costa, whod already suffered too much at demons hands? How could I do that to Adrian, whod nearly died more times than I could count in these quests? I wasnt risking only my life by searching for the spearheadI was risking all of theirs, and the deck was more stacked against us than Id realized.
Besides, if anything happened to Adrian or my sister, it would break me. Then I wouldnt be able to keep looking for the spearhead anyway. But would I really not stop until one or both of them were dead? How could I do that to people I loved?
I was so engrossed in my thoughts, I didnt think anything of the young man I passed on my way through the dining car until he touched my hand. Startled, I jerked away, only then registering the familiar faded blue hoodie he wore. He tipped it back, revealing close-cropped black hair, dark brown skin, handsome features and brown eyes. Nothing remarkable, unless you looked into his eyes. Then youd feel what it was like to have a real-life celestial being see past all your defenses and stare straight into your soul.
Hi, Zach, I said, wondering why I was surprised to see him. Didnt he always show up at pivotal points in my life? If Id been thinking things through, I would have expected him.
Ivy, he greeted me, glancing at the seat across from him. Wont you have a seat?
Ooh, asking me to do something instead of ordering me, I remarked, sounding flippant even though I felt anything but. Whats with the new niceness?
The faintest twitch touched his mouth, his version of a full-fledged grin. You must have grown on me, he said dryly.
I batted my lashes. Being a smartass was better than what I was feeling now. Stop with the compliments. Youre making me blush.
There was the look I was used to: half censure, half annoyance. I am not here for meaningless banter. Ive come to see if youve chosen to abandon your pursuit of the spearhead.
That was right to the point. Normally, Zach was as cryptic as the day was long. Youve been here long enough to read my mind, havent you? Mind reading was one of his talents as an Archon, and he had never shied away from doing it before. Or did your boss tell you that I was reconsidering this quest?
His shoulder lifted in a half shrug. Does it matter?
Not really, I said, and sat down. I hadnt wanted to finalize such a momentous decision right now, but when had life ever waited until I was ready? Is Adrian right? I asked, meeting Zachs piercing gaze. Will demons just reopen shop again eventually?
Of course. Not only was there no sympathy in his tone, it actually had a faint tinge of amusement. Did you really believe that you, a human, could defeat all the dark legions of the underworld permanently?
Put like that, it did sound delusional, but I hadnt thought Id be able to kill them all or anything grandiose like that. My big hope had been to save the humans still trapped in the demon realms while also keeping others from ever being enslaved or killed by demons again. That had been worth dying for, but this?
So whats the point of me risking everyones lives to hunt for a spearhead thatin all likelihoodwill kill me, if everything is only going to go back to horrible demonic normal one day anyway?
Zach leaned forward. Tiny lights seemed to glow in the dark depths of his gaze as he stared at me. Your best-case scenario was only ever to possibly free the thousands still trapped in the demon realms, if you found the final hallowed weapon. Not to defeat the demons or keep them from ever harming people again. That is a fight for Archons, not humans.
Lets talk about that, too, I said, gripping the side of the table so hard, my hands hurt. Still, better to feel physical pain than the hurt frothing inside me. No one thinks Ill be able to free the humans even if I do find and wield the spearhead. They think Ill drop over dead as soon as I touch it. You just said possibly free them, so you sound doubtful, too. Well? Am I strong enough to do it or not?
Zach didnt say anything. My anger grew, a welcoming balm over the pain.
Im going to die for nothing, arent I? I said sharply. And you dont care, because youre an Archon and humans are like ants to you, but Adrian cares. It ripped my heart out when I thought he was dying earlier, yet you want me to rip his out by dying in this quest because Davidians are supposed to die for their destinies, right?
Again Zach said nothing. He wasnt denying any of this, and since Archons couldnt lie, not denying it was the same as admitting it.
A toddler suddenly scrambled out of her chair and darted over, tugging on my pants and saying, Up! with adorable demand. Almost as quickly, her mother ran over and swept her up.
So sorry, she said, then grabbed those chubby little hands before they could snatch at my hair.
I stared at the little girl. Her eyes were brown, not hazel like mine, but for a moment, I could see myself as this child. Except by the time Id been her age, my mother had been forced to abandon me.
The dream with all its agony roared to the forefront. I barely noticed the woman leaving with her little girl. All my attention was on Zach. He hadnt moved. Neither had I, except for my hands. They felt like theyd left indentions in the table that I was gripping as if my life depended on it.
What about my mother? My voice was thick with everything shed felt that day. Did this destiny kill her, too? Or what about my bio father? Did he have to watch her die the way you expect Adrian to watch me die?
Your biological father was murdered by minions years before your mothers death, Zach replied with infuriating coolness. And your mother took her own life.
I closed my eyes, my breath hitching between a gasp and a sob. Id known that she and all her blood relatives must be dead, but Id hoped...what? That somewhere in this world, I still had family? How naive of me. Anyone close to a Davidian was a demon target. It should come as no surprise that my bio father had been murdered. My adoptive parents had been murdered, too. Now I had no one left except for Adrian, Jasmine and Costa, yet if I continued on this quest in a world still filled with demons, they might get murdered, too.
Tell me its not all for nothing, I said, opening my eyes and staring at Zach. Tell me that if I use the spearhead, I will save those people. Tell me, or I am walking away from this. I refuse to sacrifice one more person for a destiny I didnt ask for, or a quest I have no chance at succeeding at.
I will not tell you, Zach said, his brown gaze turning hard. You do not get to demand answers in advance of efforts. Either continue without knowing your quests resolution, or do not. The choice, as always, is yours.
I let go of the table to bang my fists on it. You call that a choice?
It is, he said, steel coating his words now. In fact, it is a choice at its most unbiased.
My anger rose again, dark and deep. Did he really think I was like him? That Id blindly obey orders without question or care about how it affected those I loved? Then I choose to take my chances living instead of dying, I said, rising from the table. That means this is goodbye.