My anger rose again, dark and deep. Did he really think I was like him? That Id blindly obey orders without question or care about how it affected those I loved? Then I choose to take my chances living instead of dying, I said, rising from the table. That means this is goodbye.
He said nothing for so long, I thought he was waiting for me to leave. I started to, then I felt his hand on my arm. When I looked down at him, I expected to see anger, condemnation or his usual Archon smugness in his gaze. Instead, I saw pity, disappointment and an utter lack of surprise.
Then this is goodbye, Zach agreed softly.
I nodded, looking away to swipe at a tear that appeared for no reason. When I glanced back, Zach had disappeared. No one else in the dining car seemed to notice that a passenger had suddenly vanished into thin air, either. They were all too busy living their own lives, as Id decided to do.
More tears escaped. Why did I suddenly feel bad about this? No matter Zachs claims, hed left me no real choice. Hadnt I saved enough lives despite the risk to myself? It was thanks to me that most demons were locked out of our world now! Otherwise, the realm walls would have continued to crumble, and Id seen firsthand how horrifying it was to have one of their worlds spill out into ours. Now no one would have to worry about that happening for a long, long time. Shouldnt that alone have earned me the right to a little happiness?
It did, I decided, brushing back my tears. In fact, Id probably saved millions of lives by sealing off the realms. I wouldve kept trying to save more, too, if Zach hadnt arrogantly refused to tell me if I had a real chance at freeing those trapped in the realms. Why should I be the one feeling guilty? All Id asked for was the knowledge that I wouldnt be risking my life and everyone elses for nothing
Agony shot up my right arm, forcing a scream from me. Demon! I thought, expecting to see the tattoo turning a warning gold color. Yet aside from the awful burn that felt like it went straight through to my bones, the tattoo looked the same.
Then, to my shock, the braided rope etching began to fade. I grabbed it as if by doing so I could stop it from disappearing, but even as I snatched and pulled at my skin, the ancient, hallowed sling continued to dissipate, until finally, it vanished from sight. When another spine-deep pain ripped through me from shoulder to ankle, bringing me to my knees from the intensity of the invisible blow, I ripped open my blouse with a combination of agony and desperation.
The gnarled wooden outline of the staff that had marked the entire right side of my body since Id wielded it was now fading, too. As I watched in disbelief, it disappeared until nothing but smooth skin remained. When it vanished, so did the pain, leaving me staring at my body with a stunned sort of understanding.
Id chosen to renounce my destiny, so the hallowed weapons that had merged with my flesh had apparently chosen to renounce me.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
NO ONE ELSE around me cared that Id experienced a supernatural and existential crisis. That was clear when the nearest train attendant grabbed me, keeping me on the floor while calling out for help. He probably thought I was having a psychotic breakdown. That would be the most logical explanation for someone suddenly screaming and tearing open her blouse in the middle of the dining car, and if hed known my mental health history, he would have really believed that.
Since I didnt want to experience Europes version of a padded cell, I quickly fabricated a story about being allergic to bees and saying Id thought one had gotten inside my blouse. Not the most ingenious excuse, but luckily, the attendant spoke English, and my story was enough to stop them from continuing to restrain me. I was in the middle of getting up and apologizing to everyone when Adrian stormed into the dining car.
I heard you scream. What happened? he demanded.
I held my torn blouse together with one hand and patted him with the other. Nothing. I thought I saw a bee, and I panicked. You know how allergic I am.
He pulled me close, his gaze flicking around in a predatory manner. He knew I was lying, so he was coiled and ready to attack.
I couldnt tell him what had really happened here, so I tugged him toward the back of the dining car. Im so embarrassed. Lets just go back to our cabin now.
He glanced downand froze. A hiss escaped him as he stared at the newly blank skin on my right hand. Ivy
Cabin. Please, I repeated, tugging him harder.
He grasped my hand and walked out of the dining car. I had to nearly run to keep up with his rapid strides, not that I minded. I wanted to get away from all the stares leveled my way.
We ran into Jasmine and Costa in the hallway of our train car. Costas hand was in his jacket pocket, and I saw a very suspicious bulge protruding from the fabric. I realized hed heard my scream and jumped to the wrong conclusion, too.
Put that away, I hissed. All we needed was for someone to glimpse the outline of the gun and assume that he was about to commit a terrorist attack.
What happened? Costa said, eyeing me and Adrian.
Our cabin was small, but I waved everyone inside. It was standing room only once we shut the door, yet my decision affected everyone, so they all deserved to hear it.
I have something to tell you, I began. Ive
What the hell? Jaz exclaimed, grabbing my right hand. Ivy! Your tattoo is gone!
Costa muttered something in Greek as he stared at my hand. Adrian didnt look away from my eyes, even when I pulled back my torn blouse to reveal that the staff tattoo was now gone, too.
I know, I said, forcing the words out despite my throat closing off with a surge of unexpected shame. Ive been thinking a lot about things since the attack yesterday, and I think...
I stopped and dropped my eyes. Jasmine and Costa had both been terribly abused in demon realms, so my choice to bow out might come across like I was saying what happened to them didnt matter to me anymore. Oh God. What if they hated me for this?
Think what? my sister asked impatiently.
Adrian slipped behind me and drew me into his arms. Those thick, warm bands and the solidness of his body soothed my sudden case of trembles.
Im not going after the spearhead anymore, I said bluntly. Ive been kidding myself about being able to survive it long enough to save those people. I also learned that the realm walls will eventually weaken again, putting demons right back in business. So, I dont see a point in risking everyones lives trying to find a weapon thatll kill me before I can help anyone anyway
Jasmine threw her arms around me, cutting off the rest of my explanation. Her hug was so welcome and unexpected; I didnt care that it was difficult to breathe between her tight frontal embrace and Adrian gripping me from behind.
Youre not mad? I got out, wiggling to get more room.
Why? She drew back, showing that her face was now wet from tears. I never wanted you to do it in the first place! Each time you left to look for the staff or the spearhead, Ive been terrified that youll never come back. Its all Ive been able to do to hold myself together these past few months. Good God, Ives, I have a white streak in my hair and Im not even twenty! No, Im not mad that youre stopping. In fact, Im so happy her voice broke Im so happy I cant even stand it.
She dissolved into tears, and Adrian let me go so I could hold her. I stroked her hair and whispered reassurances that everything would be all right while, over her shoulder, I met Costas eyes. They were shiny with tears that didnt hit his cheeks, yet his jaw was set in a hard line as he nodded at me.
I understand, that nod said. I didnt know if he agreed like Jasmine did, but right now, his understanding was enough.
So, your tattoos vanished after you decided to stop looking for the spearhead? Jasmine asked with a final, teary sniff. Guess thats the supernatural version of having security throw you out after quitting.
I let out a breathy laugh even though I felt more conflicted than amused. Guess so. I saw Zach right before they disappeared, so Im guessing he had something to do with it.
Zach was here? Adrian sounded more surprised by that than by my decision to abandon my destiny.
Yeah, I said, giving Jasmine a last pat as I turned toward him. He was waiting for me in the dining car after I checked on Brutus. He somehow knew what Id decided, too. Guess hed gotten a cosmic heads-up or something.
Adrians eyes narrowed. And he had nothing to say to you?
I glanced away. I didnt want to repeat what Zach had said. Not much, I settled on. And it ended with goodbye.
I could feel Adrian staring at me, measuring my words and locating the gaps between them. I tried to mentally erase the guilt, second-guessing and other emotions from my expression, but I must not have been that good at it.
Give us a minute, guys, Adrian said, opening the cabin door. Jasmine and Costa filed out after Jaz gave me a final hug. Adrian locked the door behind them, then turned around to face me.
I waited for him to speak, but without a word, he drew me into his arms. For several minutes, he held me, his warm, strong hands caressing away the bone-deep tension I hadnt known was there until I finally felt it begin to loosen.
I closed my eyes as I rested my head against his chest. Oh, how Id needed this! With every stroke of his hands, brush of his lips and tightening of his arms, Adrian was telling me that he loved me. Me, not the person other people wanted me to be, or what I was supposedly destined to be, or what I could be, if I only tried harder. Me: flaws, fears and all.
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Thank you.
His short laugh was muffled against my neck. For what?
This, I said, drawing back to look at him. I needed it.
He stared at me, his eyes appearing bluer from the intensity in his gaze. And I need you. Thats why Im thrilled about your decision. I never thought the payoff was worth the risk.
It could have been, I said, thinking about all the people still trapped in the realms. As soon as I did, that deep-seated tension returned, as did my guilt. Quickly, I tried to brush both aside. But its not, I continued, reminding myself as well as saying it to Adrian. Zach all but confirmed that I had no chance to survive the spearhead long enough to save them.
Adrian sighed, then rested his forehead against mine. Dont beat yourself up. You saved lots of other people, and you tried to save them, too. Youve done enough, Ivy.
I mustered up a shrug that looked far more laid-back than I felt. The former hallowed weapons would seem to disagree. I abandoned my destiny, so they wasted no time in abandoning me.
He pulled me back into his arms, lifting me until my feet were off the floor and our faces were level.
Screw Zach and screw them, he whispered fiercely. They might have left you, but I never will.
I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him, needing his strength, his unconditional love and acceptance, and the passion that flowed between us, covering my guilt, doubt and second-guessing. Right now, all I needed to be was me. Right now, the only thing that mattered was the two of us. In his arms, everything was finally as it should be.
I love you, Adrian, I told him between searing kisses. Youre my only destiny now.
CHAPTER TWELVE
WE ENDED UP going back to Vatican City, and not because I had fallen in love with it when we were here looking for the spearhead. The entire mini, walled city was on hallowed ground, and it had tight security due to its many famous treasures. I didnt think it was a coincidence that Obsidiana had waited until we were away from Vatican City to send her minions to attack us, let alone come after us herself.
The added safety of the enhanced security combined with extensive hallowed ground had Jasmine visibly relaxing, and she wasnt the only one. Adrian was as chill as Id ever seen him, and I didnt know if that was because of our surroundings or his relief over my decision to abandon the spearhead quest.
They werent the only ones basking in a newfound sense of relief. I didnt fear the coming of night anymore, and Id even taken to going on solo walks during the day. I couldnt remember the last time Id gone somewhere for the sheer, simple pleasure of it. Yet despite my newfound sense of security, all wasnt entirely well.
I tried to hide my lingering feelings of guilt from Adrian, Jasmine and Costa, telling myself that it would go away in time. In the interim, Id focus on being grateful, which was easy to do with the man I loved, my sister and our best friend at my side. Adrian had rented a lovely little villa inside the city walls for all of us. Everyone enjoyed it so much that our stay stretched from one week into two, and then two weeks into three. Even Brutus seemed to love it, staying inside during the day and then using his seagull disguise to fish from the nearby Mediterranean Sea at night.
By our fifth week, I was starting to feel good enough to confront one of my guilt-ridden phobias. Im going for a walk, I told Adrian.
Both golden brows rose. A little overdressed for that, arent you?
I looked down at my lavender silk dress and my high-heeled sandals as if just now realizing I was wearing them. Eh, maybe, I said with as much vagueness as I could muster.
Adrian got up, and his gaze raked over me with a lot more suspicion now. What are you trying to hide?
I almost said, Nothing! but then I stopped myself. Why wasnt I telling him what I was really going to do?
Ive been avoiding churches, I explained, beating back my inexplicable urge to lie. Abandoning my destiny made the paranoid part of me wonder if Id be smote on the spot if I entered one, but I know thats ridiculous. So, I want to prove it to myself by going to one today.
Oh, Adrian said. Then his lips began to twitch as if he were fighting not to laugh over my smiting fears. Ill go with you.
You dont have to. This whole thing is silly.
Ivy. The smile wiped from his face as he came over to me. It doesnt matter, he said, taking my hands. Silly or serious, if something is bothering you, I want to be there. Whatever it is, well face it together.
I squeezed his hands, once again wondering why Id tried to hide this from him in the first place. Youre right.
Now he smiled, and it warmed me more than the bright day outside. Lets see, we didnt spend much time in Saint Peters Basilica before, and it is one of the main attractions here.