* * *
The afternoon held no more surprises. Forms to sign at the morgue, where it turned out that they were not required to view the body. A brief tug-of-war at the mortuary until Jen gave in to the pitch and bought their cheapest urn for the ashes she had no intention of ever claiming.
It was dark by the time they checked into the Double Tree. Their room had a view of the parking lot. The heater cycled on with a vengeance, something rattling deep within.
Is it okay with you if we do room service? Jen asked. I really dont want to go back outside in the cold.
Ive got something better, Tanya said, setting her overnight bag down on the nearest bed. She unzipped the bag and pulled out a bottle of wine, and then another. I even remembered the corkscrew. And check it out. Snacks.
Jen feigned enthusiasm. She knew Tanya was just trying to contribute, and she didnt really need anything more than the canned nuts and snack mix. While Tanya was setting it all up on the nightstand between the two beds, laying out a hand towel for a tablecloth and pouring wine into the plastic cups, Jen called Ted, but there was no answer. She took off her makeup and changed into her pajamas.
Wow, look at you, Tanya said, when Jen came out of the bathroom. She was lounging against the pillows in her bed, watching television. She picked up the remote and shut it off. Got big plans later?
Jen looked down at her pajamas, a silky navy blue set that Ted had given her for Christmas. These arent anything special, she said, blushing.
Seriously? I dont dress like that unless Im getting some action. She grinned, her teeth pink from the wine. She was wearing a faded T-shirt over sweats. Her cup was almost empty.
Jen got into her bed, pulling the covers up over her legs and taking a sip of her wine. She was always embarrassed when Tanya talked about the men she was seeing. They never lasted long, and they were never anywhere near as good as Tanya made them sound when she first met them.
I feel like we ought to drink a toast to the old bastard, Tanya said, and it took a minute for Jen to realize that she was talking about their father. Only, I cant think of a single thing to toast him for.
Jen raised her cup, reaching across the space between the two beds. She was going to say May he rest in peace, but something stopped her; she had never seen Sid at rest during her entire childhood. He was always on the move, fidgeting, pacing, coming and going.
Until Tanya called, Jen had barely thought about her father in years. Sid Bennett was often away from home when his daughters were young, disappearing for days at a time. Later he took pipeline work in Alaska and his absences stretched to months. When he was around, he wanted little to do with two solemn, skittish little girls, and spent his time antagonizing their mother instead until she finally told him not to bother to come back.
And then the summer that Jen was thirteen and Tanya a rebellious, sullen fifteen, their mother got sick. Sid started coming around again, looking for an opening, wooing her with smooth talk and cheap flowers when he needed a tank of gas or money to tide him over. She was unable to resist, the cancer rendering her silent and listless. He might have persisted right up to her death, but a bar fight landed him in the hospital for a long stay at the end of that dismal summer.
When he was released, he headed north, ending up here in Murdoch. They only found out where he was when the court tracked him down after their mother died, but by then Jen and Tanya were settled into their aunts basement, a solution everyone agreed was better than trying to extract any support out of Sid.
He never got in touch with us, not once, Jen said, after they both drank.
That never seemed to bother you before.
It doesnt. I mean, I dont know what I would have done if he had. Its just that now hes dead, Im realizing that its like he never aged, for me. I never saw him get old.
I guess it was too much to hope that he would have gotten remarried. Left someone else to deal with all his shit. Tanyas voice was bitter.
At least its all done. After today we dont ever have to think of him again.
So we just walk away. Tanya sighed. I guess at least we got a night away from the kids. Speaking of whichwhats Ted doing with his big night to himself?
Working on the bathroom, supposedly.
Hes still not done?
Jen grimaced. Ted had been laid off for almost six months, and the renovation project was supposed to keep him busy while he looked for a new job, but lately he hadnt done much job searching or renovating. In the past few weeks there had been several times when he went out for supplies, and came home empty-handed. He swore he was going to get a lot done this weekend.
Good luck with that. Tanya laughed. Jakes father left when he was a baby, and she took a dim view of men in general, other than the brief infatuations at the start of her relationships. With his wife and kids gone for the weekend? I bet he went out and painted the town.
I guess... Jen said, more morosely than she meant to.
Tanya looked at her keenly. Hey, I was kidding. Everythings okay with you guys, isnt it?
No, no, its fine. Just, you know, I wish hed find something. Its hard having him underfoot all the time.
Tanya looked at her doubtfully, picking up the bottle. Here, give me your glass.
As Tanya topped off her wine, Jen couldnt help thinking of the little slip of goldenrod notepaper Ted had tossed in the tray on his dresser along with his change. The feminine handwriting that wasnt hers, the initials SEB in a curvy script at the top. On it, Sarah Elizabeth Baker had written Thx tons, Thursday 2pm Firehouse xoxoxo.
Sarah had been his assistant before he was laid off. She wasnt gorgeous, but she had a knowing, sensual way about her that was hard to miss; she could make a Brooks Brothers blouse look like an invitation. At the Christmas party, when shed had too much to drink, shed kissed Ted on the mouth when she said goodbye.
None of which necessarily meant anythingexcept that Ted left Flores Martin months ago. And yes, for a while there was a weekly bundle of his mail, delivered with one of these little gold notes paper clipped on top.
But there hadnt been mail from work in a long time.
Jen wondered if she could tell Tanya about Sarah. But Tanya would be too quick to turn on Ted, too quick to castigate him for crimes he might not have even committed.
So Jen drank her wine and changed the subject, and when the bottle was empty Tanya opened the second one, and they made a good dent in it before Jen finally turned the light out. They mumbled their good-nights just like all those years ago when they shared a bedroom and a bunk bed. Tanya was asleep in minutes, her breathing even and deep. Jen lay awake for a while despite the blurry wine buzz, thinking about Sarah and her glossy hair, the xs and os at the bottom of her note.
When Jen finally slept, her nightmare had nothing to do with Sarah, or even Sid. She dreamed the red bird, its beak opening wider and wider, its screams ever louder, uncoiling and unfurling until there was nothing else.
Chapter Two
Livvy woke up shivering. Her shirt was wet against her back. Something cold had seeped into her sleeping bag, the room smelled like vomit and her head felt thick.
Chapter Two
Livvy woke up shivering. Her shirt was wet against her back. Something cold had seeped into her sleeping bag, the room smelled like vomit and her head felt thick.
Faint light came from the hall at the top of the stairs, enough for her to make out the others, asleep in the basement rec room. Paige and Rachel and Collin. The girls were huddled in the sleeping bags Rachel got from the garage, and Collin was making do on the couch with a blanket from Rachels room. No one else was awake. Someone snored softly.
Livvy sat up groggily, peeling the damp sleeping bag from her skin. It smelled like stale beerand there was the overturned plastic cup. Rachel must have set it down between them before she fell asleep. Livvy patted the floor; the spill hadnt reached Rachel, only her. And soaked through the carpet. How were they going to clean it up before Rachels parents got back?
Not to mention where Collin had vomited, over by the TV. Theyd gotten most of it up then, holding their breath and laughing. It had seemed funny last night. Livvy knew that he wasnt the only one: Paige had thrown up behind the fraternity before theyd walked home from the party.
Are you up? It was Paige, whispering from her other side. Theyd lined up on the floor, the three of them, just like they used to do in middle school when they fell asleep watching movies during sleepovers. Lets go upstairs.
Rachel spilled beer on my sleeping bag.
Eww. Leave it. Come on.
They tiptoed upstairs to Rachels bedroom, sneaking through the house as if Mr. and Mrs. Crane were sleeping upstairs. But they werent even home; they had taken Rachels sister to some out-of-town tournament, leaving Rachel home by herself. She was supposed to be on the school ski tripthey all were. Instead theyd walked the half mile to the edge of campus, to Collins brothers fraternity, where the party was still in full swing hours later when they left.
Paige flopped on Rachels bed. Did you get it on you?
Just on my shirt. Livvy pulled the shirt over her head. She got clean clothes out of the overnight bag shed stowed in Rachels room last night. Her pajamas, yellow flannel with snowflakes, were still folded neatly at the bottom of the bag. She felt guilty as she pulled on her clothes; she could smell the fabric softener her mom used.
Paige yawned. Did you end up talking to Sean?
Livvy didnt look at Paige. Even hearing his name, even that hurt. A little, she said, like she didnt care. They werent there long.
You looked so good last night. It must have killed him. Oh, my God, especially when that guy...remember?
Paige laughed, still riding the giddy thrill of their lie. Shed told everyone they were freshman from Ann Arbor, visiting for the weekend. No one questioned it, not for a second. People flowed in and out of the fraternity, tracking snow in on their shoes, leaving the door open, standing around the keg on the back porch like it was summer. No one seemed cold. Rachel was gorgeous and Paige was fearless and Collin made them laugh, and Livvy kept to the center of them all, where no one seemed to expect her to talk. Just to dance, as the night wore on and she drank more and Paige convinced her to get up on the coffee table, and shed shut her eyes and felt the music go through her and then when she opened them, there was Sean, standing in the doorway watching her with an expression she couldnt read.
Stay here. Im going to go get us a couple Red Bulls, Paige said, bounding off the bed.
Okay. Livvy crawled under the covers. Maybe she and Paige could sleep here a little longer. She wasnt supposed to be home until after lunch. With any luck, when she got home she would go straight to her room and her parents would leave her alone for once. At dinner if they asked her about the skiing shed just lieno big deal.
Except the thing with her moms dad. Livvy squeezed her eyes shut and burrowed down deeper in Rachels bed. It was so weird, not to even know she had a grandfather, that he had been alive all this time. Then all of a sudden he was dead, and Mom was going up there with Aunt Tanya to get him cremated or something.
At least her mom would be distracted and maybe she wouldnt ask her a million questions about the ski trip. But still. It was her moms dad. Her mom and Aunt Tanya had been really poor growing up and their mother died when they were in high school and they had to go live with relatives, and her mom never talked about it except to constantly say how grateful they should all be for their blessings. So her dad must have been a real dick, not even taking care of them when their mom died, but still, not to ever even mention him?
Paige came back with the drinks. She slid in next to Livvy, and they popped the tops and drank. So, what did you say to Sean?
Livvy shrugged. I told him I heard Allie has herpes. Then he told me I didnt know what I was missing, and I told him to go fuck himself.
You didnt! Paige cracked up. You can do so much better, anyway. Did you give that guy your number last night?
Are you kidding? My parents would kill me.
So? They dont know about last night, right? You got away with it once, you can do it again. We just have to be careful.
But as Paige chatted on about the night before, Livvy could only think of the way Sean had looked at her over his shoulder as he left. She knew her parents hated him, and even her friends thought he was a loser since he got suspended again, but none of them knew what it was like when he looked at you as though you were the answer to every question he ever had.
Last fall, for a few months, Sean had made her his world. And even if Livvy pretended she hated him now, even if he was with that skank Allie, whose cousins supposedly were in a gang, even if he never thought about her anymore, she knew that being with him had changed her and she would never be the same.
She hadnt told Paige the truth about what really happened. Sean and Allie came up to the keg together, holding hands, not seeing Livvy standing there until they already got their drinks. Sean looked like someone slapped him, and Allie said something, and Livvy tried to get past them but Allie blocked her way.
I heard you have herpes, she muttered so only Livvy could hear.
And Livvy couldnt think of anything to say back, because she was drunk and about to cry, and so she shoved Allie hard and the full cup of beer went all down her front, splashing up into her face and soaking her hair. As Sean dragged Allie off, she was yelling that Livvy would be sorry.
Livvy was already sorry. But not about Allie.
Chapter Three
When they got back to Tanyas apartment, Jen parked and turned off the car. Let me help you take your stuff up.
Tanya had fallen asleep on the drive, and there was a crease on her face from where it was pressed against the hood of her coat. What stuff? she said irritably. Alls Ive got is just the one bag. Plus I need to pick up Jake from next door.
She already had her hand on the door handle, and Jen didnt know how to tell her that she wasnt ready to leave her, that shed replayed that desperate little apartment over in her head the whole way back and her stomach felt like it had a giant hole in it. That there were things somebody needed to say and she didnt know what they were or how to say them.
Have lunch next week? she asked.