Have lunch next week? she asked.
Tanya was out of the car, and she ducked back down to peer in. We never have lunch. Theres nothing around the office except that Arbys.
She looked both perplexed and irritated. It was true that they never met for lunchJen wasnt sure she could even find the building where Tanya worked.
Or just call me, she settled for.
Tanya got her bag and shut the door. Jen watched her walk to the stairs of her building, but drove away before Tanya reached the landing.
* * *
Jen managed to compose herself before she picked up Teddy from the Sterns. Cricket Stern was one of her best friends, not to mention the mother of Teddys best friend, Mark, but even so Jen hadnt been able to bring herself to tell her the real reason shed gone out of town. Spa weekend with her sister, shed claimed, a late birthday gift to Tanya. It wasnt like Crickets and Tanyas paths would ever cross, so it was a safe lie, but Jen felt guilty, anyway. But if she hadnt been able to talk about Sid before the trip, she was even less willing now, so when Cricket asked she just said that the spa treatments were relaxing, the restaurant very good.
Teddy fell asleep in his car seat on the way home. She carried him up to his room and put him to bed; a nap wouldnt hurt, considering the boys had been up late the night before. Ted was taking a shower in the hall bathroom, and Livvys door was closed, which only deepened Jens dark mood as she went to unpack.
The door to their own bathroom, the one Ted was renovating, was closed. On the floor of their bedroom was a mound of clothes, a sweatshirt and jeans and socks that were still warm when Jen picked them up to toss them in the hamper. She had lifted the wicker lid and was about to drop the clothes in when she noticed something odd: in the bottom of the hamper was only a single pair of boxer shorts.
Jen stared at the boxer shorts, thinking. She had emptied the hamper Friday when she did the laundry. In her arms were the clothes Ted had worn today while he worked on the bathroom. The flannel pants and T-shirt he slept in were on the floor by the bed, where he left them every morning for Jen to fold and put under his pillow.
She dropped the clothes in and let the lid fall shut, and went looking for his gym bag. She found it on the floor of the closet, unzipped it and confirmed there was nothing in it but his MP3 player and a couple of water bottles. Nowhere was there another set of dirty clothes.
Ted hadnt done laundry since Livvy was a baby, and he never wore the same clothes twice. Which meant he had hidden or disposed of yesterdays clothes for some reason.
Or left them somewhere else. He could have left the house yesterday with a change of clothes in his gym bag, gone somewhere else where he showered and changed, leaving the clothes for someone else to wash. Sarah, for instance. Sarah, who probably had one of those stackable units in her condo, who was in training to take on the role that Jen played, learning how Ted liked his T-shirts folded and his socks rolled and
No, Jen whispered. There had to be a good explanation. It was crazy to equate a note and some missing laundry with a full-blown affair.
Ted walked into the bedroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, a thin sliver of shaving cream under his chin. He looked exhausted. Jen toed the gym bag out of sight in the corner of the closet.
Hey, he said, giving her a tired smile. Welcome back.
She watched him get socks and underwear from the dresser, clean clothes from the closet. He dressed unhurriedly, tossing the damp towel across the hamper. If he was covering up a guilty conscience, he was putting on a hell of an act.
How was the drive? he asked. Any snow on your way back?
A few flurries. Nothing that stuck. She forced a smile. So, I cant wait to see what youve been up to all weekend.
His expression slipped, and his eyes darted to the closed bathroom door. Okay, look, he said nervously. Dont lose it when you see the tub. I mean, where the tub was. It was a big job getting it out of there.
What do you mean? What happened?
Nothing happened. Look, Jen, that thing weighed a ton. It would have been a job no matter who took it out. He opened the bathroom door, and light poured in from the window.
I hit the wall trying to get it out of here, Ted continued, talking fast, his face going slightly red. And listen, theres a little damage to the subfloor, too, but I was lucky, I lost my grip, and Im telling you, if Id dropped that thing thered be a crater there and not just a dent.
Jen pushed the door open the rest of the way, willing herself not to react. No matter how bad it was, it could be fixed, and
Oh, wow, she said, putting her hand over her mouth. Where the old tub had been, she saw a gaping hole edged with ragged plasterboard, wallpaper hanging in strips. The wall tile was gone, leaving exposed lath and scarred plaster. The subfloor was filthy and gashed, and the whole thing looked like a bomb had gone off in it.
And nothing else appeared to have been done. Ted had promised to finish stripping the wallpaper and replace the light fixturesnot to mention replacing the bathtubby the time she was back from Murdoch. Instead, hed gotten the tub out and then...what?
Like I said, I know it looks bad, Ted said.
Its just...I dont understand what youve been doing all weekend. With us gone and the house to yourself She stopped, because if she kept going he might actually tell her, and she wasnt sure she wanted to know. Never mind. Just never mind.
Dont you think Im trying? Ted said. Is this really about the job search? Is that what this is?
What? No, I know youre trying. I know its a tough market out there, and
No. You dont know what its like to send out thirty résumés and get only four callbacks. You cant know what its like when a guy you traineda guy who got out of business school in two thousand five, for Chrissakes, gets hired instead of you.
Ted, please. The kidsll hear.
Hear what? Were just talking, and its long overdue. I guess youve been wanting to say this to me for a while, and
I didnt even say anything! You brought it up. I have never once criticized you for not looking harder, not trying hard enough. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she swiped them away.
Hey, hey, Ted said, instantly abashed. Jen. Jesus. Im sorry. Dont cry. God, Im sorry, I didnt mean to go off on you like that.
He reached for her, and after a moment she stepped into his arms. She pressed her face pressed against the soft cotton of his sweater, feeling his heart beat against her cheek. What was she doing? How could she really believe Ted would cheat, would risk everything they had built together?
Jen, look...its my fault, too. I dontI know Ive let you down. Ive let the family down. Its just, knowing that Im not providing for you guys, it eats away at me.
Oh, Ted... Jen closed her eyes and inhaled, his soapy shower scent tinged with the faint metallic sweet smell he had when he drank too much the night before.
A tiny leftover spike of suspicion flared inside her, but she fought it back down. He probably took a break to watch a game, have a beer...and just let the afternoon overtake him, that was all. She could hardly hold it against him, considering shed had more than enough herself last night.
Were going to get through this, she said as much for her own benefit as his. They say the economys picking up, and even if it doesnt, were finewe have money put away for exactly this situation. We could go another year before we have to worry.
Oh, Jesus, Ted said heavily. I dont think I could take that.
No, thats not what I meant, honey. Youll find something long before that. I just mean that theres nothing to worry about.
They held each other for a moment longer before Ted pulled gently away. There was something in his eyes, some troubled emotion. God, she hoped he found something soon.
Im going to do better, he muttered. Im going to make things right.
Chapter Four
In the hours before dawn on Wednesday, Jen dreamed the red bird again. It was bright as blood, coiled in a circle, its beak open and angry. In the dream, the bird slowly unfurled its wings, expanding until it filled her mind, its screams growing hungrier and its beak widening until it seemed that it meant to consume her from the inside out.
Shed first had this nightmare years ago, when she was fresh out of college and just starting to date Ted. The bird didnt do anything but scream, its beak open wide, spinning and getting larger and larger until she woke up. It had been years since she had the dream, but now it had come twice in one week.
When it first happened, Jen had researched the meaning of birds in dreams and decided the bird was nothing more than a symbol of her struggleto put herself through school, to get her first job, to pay back her loans, to survive the stress of trying to fit into the society she had worked so hard to join. She struggled to erase her past, to project the ease and confidence that her colleagues and friends seemed to come by naturally, to be the mother she hadnt had, the wife her own mother hadnt had a chance to be.
But none of that had been a problem for years. So why was the dream returning now?
Jen was tired and irritable as she got Teddy fed and ready for preschool. Livvy refused to eat breakfast and dashed out the door so she didnt miss the bus. Ted took his car to the dealership to have the oil changed and a dent fixed. Hed been complaining about the dent for weekssomeone had dinged him at the Target Center parking lot during a Timberwolves game.
After preschool, Cricket Stern brought the boys over for their standing playdate. Listen, Jen, something happened today, she said as Mark and Teddy shot past her into the house. I thought youd want to know.
Instantly Jen was on alert. She had worked so hard to get the speech pathologist and Teddys teacher on the same page. A year ago, when he was three, Teddy stopped talking to strangers; when he stopped speaking to his babysitters and then to his friends and teachers, Jen and Ted became concerned enough to have him evaluated, and Teddy had been diagnosed with selective mutism.
For the past year, he hadnt spoken to anyone outside his immediate family, but the speech pathologist said that Teddy was responding well to the self-modeling and desensitization exercises. She thought Teddy was very close to verbalizing one-on-one with a trusted adult.
Its nothing, Cricket said hastily. Just, the kids are starting to pick on him. Well, not all the kids. Mack and Jordan. Of course, right?
Oh. Shit.
I know. Cricket grimaced. Sometimes I just want to smack Tessa. Its like she wants to raise a couple of delinquents, the way she lets them run wild.
The twins had been a problem since the beginning of the year. Recently they pushed a kid out of the castle in the play yard and knocked out two of his teeth.
What did they do? Jen asked, steeling herself.
They had him in the corner by the dress-up box, and they were trying to make him talk. Mack was making fun of him and calling him retarded. Or maybe it was JordanI cant tell them apart.
Jens anger was tempered with dismay. What did Teddy do?
He managed to get past them. Theyre big, but hes fast, you know?
Well, it could have been worse. Did he look upset?
Not too bad. More like aggravated. I said something to Mrs. Bray, and she talked to the boys. I thought you could decide whether you want to have her talk to Tessa.
No, I feel like thatll make it worse. You know, like hes a tattletale. Damn it. Hes so close. Hes been talking to the speech therapist over Skype. She says any day now... She felt her eyes tearing up.
Oh, honey, its okay. I didnt mean to upset you, Cricket said, pulling a packet of tissues from her purse.
No, its not even that, Jen said, taking a tissue and dabbing at her eyes. Its...just, things are kind of a mess right now.
Is it Teds job search? Cricket asked sympathetically.
Jen hesitated. She hadnt told Cricket about Sids death, or about Sarahs note. She didnt like to make her problems public, even to her best friends. Yes, I guess, she said, settling for a partial truth.
Cricket nodded sympathetically. When Brad was laid off a few years ago he was unbearable. I finally made him rent office space to get out of the house. We pretended he was consulting. She smiled as she made air quotes. Luckily it was only for a few months or wed be divorced.
Oh, its not that bad. Jen had heard rumors that Brad was seeing a woman hed met on one of his accounts while he was supposed to be at that rented office. Just a blip, thats all.
As Jen watched Cricket drive away, she had the strange sensation that she could be watching herself. Sometimes it felt like she and her friends were all the same, well-preserved Calumet housewives in expensive sunglasses and recent-model SUVs.
Jen closed the door and wondered how many other secrets they kept from each other.
* * *
Thursday afternoon, Jen decided to bundle Teddy into the car and pick Livvy up from school so she wouldnt have to take the bus. Livvy had been hostile and distant all week, and the gesture was meant to be conciliatory, to let her daughter know she was trying.
As she inched forward in the car-pool line, she caught sight of Livvy with her cluster of friends. Standing a few feet away was a gangly boy with shaggy black hair and a threadbare backpack repaired with duct tape. SeanLivvys first boyfriend, the one who had broken her heart over the Christmas holidays. He was talking to a girl in pink UGG boots and a pink knit cap, his hands jammed in his pockets, and Jen had a momentary urge to get out of the car and shake him, to demand to know who he thought he was to hurt her daughters feelings, an unspectacular boy with a dusting of acne on his forehead and gauge earrings he was surely going to regret in a few years.
Livvy got into the car without sparing Sean a glance. She said hi to Teddy and lapsed into sullen silence.
How was your day? Jen tried. Anything interesting happen?
My day was like every other day of my life, Livvy muttered. So no, I would say that nothing interesting happened.
Well, mine was fascinating. After I worked at your school, I did your laundry and made you a dentist appointment and picked up your sweaters from the cleaners.
Good for you.
Jen tightened her grip on the steering wheel and pressed her lips together. They rode the rest of the way in silence. When she turned onto Crabapple Court, she realized shed been holding her breath. She exhaled with relief as the garage door glided up, and she saw Teds BMW parked in his side of the garage. So hed come home from wherever hed been all day.