How the hell do you change something like that? asked Janet.
Dont forget, I had medication, I had relaxation exercises, I had self-help psycho-programmes too. I put up a pretty good show of normality.
But if you were cured, you were normal!
Oh no. Normal people look at relationships critically. All I wanted was to make sure I stayed with Trent. He was my atmosphere. Take him away and there was that awful vacuum waiting to suck me up. So I took great care of myself. When I went out, I was always ready to head for home at the first hint of fear. I refused to even try to make friends. All I wanted was to please Trent when he was home and not to displease him when he was away.
But you never hinted at any of this when you wrote, said Janet. Your letters were
Dull? Just what you expected from me, I bet. I was leading a dull life, remember.
But all those years! What did you do? How did you pass the time?
Trudi laughed and drank some more. Come on Jan. Add up the individual bits of your own life anyones life and youll find the majority of it is dull, routine, mechanical stuff. But there were things I did, partly to keep Trent happy that I wasnt drifting around like a zombie and partly to stop me doing just that. Like you said, we lived in some pretty glamorous places. I did go out to the theatre, cinema, galleries, museums. I even took courses, pretty basic O-level type things at first, but eventually I aimed higher. History, literature, whatever was available wherever we were, by correspondence mainly, though I did occasionally have discussions over the phone. Eventually I got up to degree level; there, that surprises you!
My God, youve got letters after your name!
Oh no. I never actually took the final exams. I set out once, but halfway there I changed my mind. I dont think it was agoraphobia, just a terror of finding out how thick I really was.
Come off it. Thick youre not.
Oh yes I am, said Trudi grimly. I managed to lead this odd half life for more than twenty years and kid myself I was happy. And for what?
For well, for happiness! urged Janet. Everyone compromises. Dont exaggerate your own compromise. Youd have gone on with it, wouldnt you? Youd have lived happily ever after if that dreadful accident hadnt happened, wouldnt you? All right, now you think youre awake. But the thing is, was the other state totally bad?
I think so. But the thing really is, how much longer was I going to be allowed to stay what you call happy, anyway?
What do you mean?
Trudi hesitated, then thought: come on, dont be coy, youve gone too far to head back for home this time!
She said baldly, Trent was having an affair. I think he was planning to leave me.
Good God, girl! What are you saying? I mean, why are you saying it? said Janet in an agitated tone.
Lots of reasons, said Trudi. Lots and lots of reasons.
It was rather pleasant, she discovered, to have Janets undivided attention and she paused, savouring the feeling as her friend regarded her with an expression of surprise bordering on shock.
I shouldve guessed, she resumed. But I never looked beyond the nose on my face, did I? Quitting his job without telling me and bringing me back to England! Its obvious he had something better to go to and he wasnt taking me with him. He was kind enough to think Id be better off being dumped here than back in Vienna. Or perhaps he planned eventually to go back to Vienna and didnt want me still to be there. Yes, I bet thats it. Not kindness. I mean, it was hardly kindness to leave me with a measly four thousand pounds. The rest of the moneys probably been transferred somewhere. I wonder if that bitch has managed to get her hands on it!
What bitch? asked Janet, her voice still faint from surprise.
Now Trudi told her about Astrid Fischer. Her friend sank back into her chair.
So that was what that trip was all about! she said. What a nerve, turning up at the funeral like that!
I suppose Trent dying was as big a shock for her as it was for me, said Trudi. Not as big a shock as Im going to give her, though.
Janet said, Youre going to see her?
Why not? said Trudi. Ive got to go back to Vienna. I want to get a certificate of health or something from Trents doctor and Ive got to sort out the furniture in store there. Ill sell most of it, I think. I need the money. And I think I may just call in on Fraulein Fischer and see what she has to say for herself. At the very least, the bitch can be a witness that Trent was parked safely off the road!
If she expected applause from Janet, she didnt get it. She poured herself another drink and said, Whatre you looking so disapproving about?
Not disapproving. Just wondering if its worth the hassle, girl. Trents dead. Either she loved him, in which case shes had her share of pain too. Or she didnt. In which case, whats the point of dragging it all out now? Forget it. Youll just upset yourself.
Trudi burst out, What do you mean, forget it? If it was you, would you forget it? No! Its just that you reckon Im not up to it! Well, Ill show you. Youre not the only one who can make decisions, girl! I might even give that dating agency of yours a go while Im at it!
She tossed her drink back dramatically and began to cough.
Take it easy, laughed Janet. I dont think youre ready for the Lewis Agency just yet.
Why? coughed Trudi. How long did you wait?
Not long, admitted Janet. But it was different. Alan and I had been drifting apart for years.
And Trent and I hadnt? said Trudi bitterly.
Had you?
I dont know! Thats the dreadful thing, Jan. I really dont know anything about our relationship. I dont know what he saw in me, why he wanted to marry me, why he stayed married to me! All these things I ought to know better than anyone. I dont! I bet you know more about me than I do myself, Jan! What does that make me? Whereve I been? What sort of life have I led?
For a second it looked as if Janet might be ready to take her question seriously. But then she smiled wryly and swung her legs off the arm of the sofa and on to the floor.
Standing up, she looked down at Trudi and said, Not one where you got used to drinking, thats clear. A little lie-downs the best thing for you. Go on now! Ill see to the clearing up.
Trudi protested but Janet bossed her out of the room. In a last assertion of independence she paused in the doorway and said, But I will go to that agency, youll see.
All right, well see, grinned Janet. Now you sleep on it.
So Trudi slept on it. In her sleep for the first time in weeks the dream came: the flight from Trent, the slow footsteps to the door, the handle turning; and the locked door slowly opening to admit her death.
She awoke, sweating and trembling. Why had the dream come back now? For the first time she also asked herself, Why should I dream of Trent at all in this way? Why would he hurt me in death when he never hurt me in life!
And then she remembered and thought, oh yes, you did, you bastard. Yes, you did!
Part Three
All right, well see, grinned Janet. Now you sleep on it.
So Trudi slept on it. In her sleep for the first time in weeks the dream came: the flight from Trent, the slow footsteps to the door, the handle turning; and the locked door slowly opening to admit her death.
She awoke, sweating and trembling. Why had the dream come back now? For the first time she also asked herself, Why should I dream of Trent at all in this way? Why would he hurt me in death when he never hurt me in life!
And then she remembered and thought, oh yes, you did, you bastard. Yes, you did!
Part Three
Thou saw the fields laid bare an waste, An weary winter comin fast, An cozie here, beneath the blast,
Thou thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel coulter past
Out thro thy cell.
BURNS: To a Mouse
1
The Sheffield branch of the Lewis Agency was situated at the top of a time-blackened building in a tall Victorian terrace not far from the squat Victorian cathedral.
There was no lift, and Trudi laboured up the stairs passing other offices en route, a debt collecting agency on the first floor, an insurance brokers on the second, a typing and secretarial bureau on the third. Two girls were standing outside this door, chattering like house sparrows, but they fell silent at her approach and did not resume their giggling conversation till she went by, face burning with the certainty that they had guessed her destination. Only pride prevented her from retreating there and then. It was pride, or rather a kind of stubborn pique, that had brought her here in the first place. There had been no more mention of the dating agency till Trudi had been packing to leave. Then Janet had casually tossed her a slim brochure and said, You were asking about this, remember?
It had been the Lewis Agencys hand-out. It was a smallish northern business, limited mainly to large towns in Lancashire and Yorkshire. The Sheffield address had been underlined in red.
The blurb claimed that the agency was based on sound scientific principles but it still relied on human judgment rather than computer print-outs for matching its clients. While not specifically a marriage bureau, it aimed at a clientele who were looking for serious relationships, rather than just casual dates.
Trudi and Janet werent meeting till the first week of the New Year. Determined that her friend should not have the satisfaction of getting the expected negative response to her casual enquiry if the brochure had been of any use, Trudi had rung up the agency on New Years Eve. A woman called Fielding had answered in a most businesslike way and Trudis vague general enquiries had been swiftly translated into a firm appointment the following Wednesday morning before her lunch date with Janet. She had sat up alone that night, toasted the New Year and gone to bed, hopeful that she would wake up in the morning a new woman.
Now here she was, the same old nervous neurotic, labouring up the last flight of stairs and wondering what the hell she was getting into.
A few minutes later she felt rather better, mainly because Mrs Fielding was such a pleasant surprise. A comfortably plump woman of perhaps sixty with rosy cheeks and white, uncontrollably curly hair, she sat behind a desk even more untidy than her hair and cheerfully proffered a cup of tea just brewed with the help of an electric kettle and an old brown teapot. If this was a demonstration that new scientific methods had not been introduced at the expense of the personal touch, it worked.
After some preliminary chat which may or may not have been searching, Mrs Fielding said, Shall we get down to it, Mrs Adamson? and extracted a blank form from the autumnal heap of papers before her.
It all proved very painless. When she hesitated about her age, Mrs Fielding said cheerfully, Knock a couple of years off. Everyone does it, so if you dont, youll just end up being taken for two years older than you are.
After her own details came the details of what she was looking for. These seemed to form a fairly bland recipe when Mrs Fielding checked through them with her.
Age, forty-five to fifty-five. Height, not less than five feet nine inches. Build, preferably well made but not fat. Non-smoker. Social drinker. Professional man. Generally middlebrow. Should like plays and music, but not too abstract or intellectual; town dweller, country lover; knowledgeable about food and wine, but not pretentious
As Mrs Fielding droned on, Trudi found herself thinking with amusement how fussy a penniless widow in her mid-forties imagined she could be! She was able to feel amused because none of this seemed real, it had all assumed the dimensions of a game.
Even when she handed over the registration fee and signed a form agreeing to the payment of a further sum for each introduction that went beyond a first meeting, she could not feel it was real.
It was only when she had descended the now empty stairs and regained the open air that the sound of traffic and the sight of people walking along the busy pavements brought back reality. She felt a sudden inrush of panic at what she had done. What if somewhere out there was a man who fitted the pattern of her imagined requirements exactly? What if there were dozens of them?
She didnt have to meet anyone, she told herself firmly. That was quite clear. She didnt have to meet anyone.
That stemmed the panic for a moment but it came back tenfold as she walked away, running over in her mind what had been said and written during the interview, and suddenly it dawned on her with terrifying clarity that what she had drawn in the limits of that stereotyped form was a blueprint for Trent.
Janets unconcealed amazement almost made it all worthwhile. Typically, however, once she got over the surprise, she launched an armada of good advice.
First time, always meet somewhere public. Dont let him pick you up or anything like that. I did that with one and he was over the doorstep, flashing his teeth and God knows what else, before I could say hello!
Oh Jan! Not really? said Trudi, amused and horrified at the same time.
No, not really, Janet reassured her. But really enough to be worth taking care over. So, somewhere in public. Inside, not out. You dont want to risk hanging around in the rain, catching cold. Somewhere that you can sit around without attracting notice. Hotel bar rather than a pub, perhaps, though eithers a bit chancy.
How?
Well, I was approached by this chap in a hotel bar when I was waiting once; he fitted the general description, so I gave a big smile and chatted away merrily and thought that maybe Id struck lucky till he suddenly produced the key of his room, asked me how much and whether I took American Express!
Janet!
Sorry. Joking again, but it was almost like that. Hey, what are we worrying about? Here. Heres the ideal place! Lots of people, but wide open, very mixed population. And its familiar ground.
Here was the open-plan bar-foyer of the Crucible, Sheffields civic theatre, where the two friends often came either for coffee or for a lunch-time drink and snack.