She wanted to tell him that she understood, but that hiding the pain didnt make it go away. It just let it fester. But she couldnt, because he wouldnt listen. If she had more time...
Im sorry. I promise I wont say anything about Alice. Until the day youre willing to talk. But please, think twice about sending me away. The kinder are my own blood, like it or not. I want to care for them, and they need me. You need me.
But she could read the answer in his face already. He spun the wheelchair away, knocking against the table leg in his haste. Impulsively she reached out to catch his arm.
Please...
The anger in Calebs eyes was so fierce she could feel the heat of it. He grabbed her wrist in a hard grip and shoved her hand away from him.
No. Just one word, but it was enough to send her back a step. We dont need you. I can take care of my kinder on my own. Youll go on the bus on Friday.
Jessie looked after him, biting her lip. She should have known better than to start her plea by referring to Alice. Shed been trying to show that she understood how Becky felt, but shed approached him all wrong.
Resolutely she turned to the sink and began washing the plates and cups. If a tear or two dropped in the sudsy water, no one would know.
Caleb might not want to hear it, but she did feel responsible for Alice, just as Becky felt responsible for Timothy. She could only hope and pray Becky never went through what she had.
Youre the older one, her mother had always said. Youre responsible for little Alice.
Most of the time shed managed that fairly well. But when shed grown older, shed sometimes become impatient with Alice always tagging along behind her. Shed been about eleven when it happened, so Alice had been only eight. Shed tagged along as always when Jessie and her friends had been walking home from school.
Theyd been giggling, sharing secrets, the way girls did when they were just starting to notice boys. And Alice, always there, always impatient when she wasnt the center of attention, had tried to burst into the conversation. Shed stamped her feet, angry at being rejected, and declared she was going to run away.
Jessies shame flared, as always, when she thought of her response. Go ahead, shed said. I wont come after you.
She hadnt meant it. Everyone knew that. But Alice had run off into the woods that lined the path.
Shell come back, the other girls had said. And Jessie had agreed. Alice was afraid of the woods. She wouldnt go far. Shed trail along, staying out of sight until they were nearly home, and then jump out at them.
But it hadnt worked out that way. Alice hadnt reappeared. Jessie searched for her, at first annoyed, then angry, then panic-stricken. Alice had vanished.
Jessie still cringed at the memory of telling her parents. Theyd formed a search party, neighbors pitching in, combing the woods on either side of the path.
Jessie had followed, weeping, unwilling to stay at the house and yet terrified of what the adults might find. She didnt think shed been quite so terrified since.
It had been nearly dark when the call went up that Alice had been found. Alice wasnt hurt. Theyd found her curled up under a tree, sound asleep.
Alice had clung to Jessie more than ever after that experience. And Jessie hadnt dared let herself grow impatientnot once shed learned what the cost of that could be. She was responsible for Alice, no matter what.
Jessie tried to wipe away a tear and only succeeded in getting soapsuds in her eye. Blinking, she wiped it with a dish towel. She heard a step behind her.
Ach, Jessie, dont let my nephew upset you.
She turned, managing to produce a slight smile for Zeb.
Zeb moved a little closer, his weathered face troubled. You think it would be better to talk more openly about Alice, aint so?
She evaded his keen gaze. Caleb doesnt agree, and they are his kinder.
Zeb didnt speak for a moment. Then he sighed. Do you know why I was so glad to see you today?
Because you are a kind person, she said. Even Alice... She stopped. Shed promised not to mention Alice.
Even Alice liked me, aint so? His smile was tinged with sorrow. This business of not talking about herCaleb is making a mistake, I think. You cant forgive if you cant be open.
Some things are harder to forgive than others.
All the more important to forgive, aint so? He patted her shoulder awkwardly. Dont give up. Promise me you wont.
She didnt know how shed manage it, but she was confident in her answer. I didnt come this far just to turn around and go back home again.
Renewed determination swept through her. It seemed she had one person on her side, at least. And she wasnt going to give up.
Chapter Three
Caleb woke early, disoriented for a moment at not hearing the clatter of carts and trays. He wasnt in the hospital any longer. He was home. Thankfulness swept through him, replaced by frustration the instant he moved and felt the weight of the cast dragging him down.
He was home, and those were the familiar sounds of going out to do the milking. He heard the rumble of Onkel Zebs and Daniels voices, and then the thud of the back door closing.
The source of the sound switched, coming through the back window now. Thomas Schutz must have arrivedhe was calling a greeting to the others, sounding cheerful despite having walked across the fields in the dark.
Onkel Zeb was right about the lad. They should keep him on, even after Caleb was well enough to take on his own work. That would free Daniel to spend more time with his carpentry business instead of being tied to so many farm chores.
Caleb sat up and leaned to peer out the window. Still dark, of course, but the flashlight one of them carried sent a circle of light dancing ahead of them. Calebs hand clenched. He should be out there with them, not lying here in bed, helpless.
Stop thinking that way, he ordered himself. He might not be up to doing the milking or going upstairs to put the kinder to bed, but for sure there were things he could do. The sooner the better.
Using his hands to move the cast, Caleb swung his legs out of bed and sat there for a moment, eyeing the wheelchair with dislike. He didnt have a choice about using it, so hed have to figure out how to do things with it.
First things first. If he got up and dressed by himself, hed feel more like a man and less like an invalid. His clothes were not far away, draped on the chair where Onkel Zeb had put them the previous night. That clamp-like gripper on a long handle was obviously intended for just such a situation. Maybe he should have paid more attention to the nurse whod explained it to him.
Getting dressed was a struggle. He nearly ripped his shirt, and got so tangled in his pants he was blessed not to end up on the floor. But when it was done, and hed succeeded in transferring himself from the bed to the wheelchair, Caleb felt as triumphant as if hed milked the entire herd himself.
A few shoves of the wheels took him out to the kitchen. Fortunately Zeb or Daniel had left the light fixture on, since hed never have been able to reach that. Well, he was here, and a few streaks of light were beginning to make their way over the ridge to the east.
Jessie hadnt appeared from the daadi haus yet. The small separate house was reached by a covered walkway. It was intended to be a residence for the older generation in the family, leaving the farmhouse itself for the younger family. When he and Alice had married, Onkel Zeb had moved in. Now Jessie was staying there, at least temporarily.
Definitely temporarily. Given how irritable she made him, the sooner she left, the better.
The kinder need me. You need me. That was more or less what Jessie had flung at him last night. Well, he was about to prove her wrong. Hed get breakfast started on his own. Even if he couldnt go up the stairs, he could still care for his own children.
Oatmeal was always a breakfast favorite. Fortunately, the pot he needed was stored in one of the lower cabinets. Maneuvering around the refrigerator to get the milk was more of a challenge.
Feeling pleased with himself, he poured milk into the pot without spilling a drop. Now for the oatmeal. This would need the gripper, but hed brought it out of the bedroom with him. Congratulating himself on his foresight, he used it to open the top cupboard door. The oatmeal sat on the second shelf. Maybe he ought to have someone rearrange the kitchen a bit to make the things hed need more accessible. In the meantime, he could make do with what he had.
Caleb reached with the gripper but found it wavering with the effort of holding it out with the whole length of his arm. A little more... He touched the cylinder of oatmeal, tried to get the prongs open and around it. Not quite... He leaned over the counter, focused on the elusive box, determined to get it down.
He reached, grabbed at it, lost his hold, sent the oatmeal tipping, spilling down in a shower of flakes. The chair rolled with the imbalance of his body. He tried to stop it, and then he was falling, the floor rushing up to meet him. He landed with an almighty thud that felt as if it shook the house.
For an instant he lay there, stunned. Then, angry with himself, he flattened his palms against the floor and tried to push himself up.
Wait. A flurry of steps, and Jessie was kneeling next to him, her hand on his arm. Dont try to move until youre sure you arent hurt.
The anger with himself turned against her, and he jerked away. Its not your concern.
Yah, yah, I know. She sounded, if anything, a little amused. You are fine. You probably intended to drop down on the floor.
Apparently satisfied that he was okay, she reached across him to turn the chair into position and activate the brake. Next time you decide to reach too far and overbalance, lock the wheels first.
Much as he hated to admit it to himself, she was right. Hed been so eager to show her he could manage that hed neglected the simplest precaution. While he was still fumbling for words to admit it, Jessie put her arm around him and braced herself.
Up we go. Feel behind you for the chair to guide yourself. Her strength surprised him, but no more than her calm reaction to what hed done.
It took only a moment to settle himself in the chair again. He did a quick assessment and decided he hadnt damaged himself.
Jessie, ignoring him, was already cleaning up the scattered oats. He had to admit, she was quick and capable, even if she was bossy.
Arent you going to say you told me so? he asked.
She glanced up from her kneeling position on the floor, eyes widening as if startled. Then her lips curled slightly. I have six brothers, remember? Ive dealt with stubborn menfolk before. Theres no use telling them.
I suppose one of them broke his leg, so that makes you an expert.
Two of the boys, actually. She finished cleaning the oatmeal from the floor and dumped a dustpan full into the trash. Plus a broken arm or two. And then there was the time Benjy fell from the hayloft and broke both legs. Jessie shook her head. He got into more trouble than the rest of them put together.
He watched as she started over making the oatmeal. Yah, capable was the right word for Jessie. Like Onkel Zeb said, it was surprising no man had snapped her up by now. She was everything an Amish wife and mother should be. Everything Alice hadnt been.
Caleb shoved that thought away, even as he heard voices. The others had finished the milking.
Jessie darted a quick glance at him. No reason that anyone else needs to know what happened, aint so?
He had to force his jaw to unclamp so he could produce a smile. Denke.
Jessies face relaxed in an answering grin.
Onkel Zeb came in at that momentjust in time to see them exchanging a smile. He cast a knowing look at Caleb.
Caleb started to swing the chair away, only to be stymied because the lock was on. Still, he didnt have to meet his uncles gaze. He knew only too well what Zeb was thinking.
All right, so maybe Jessie wasnt as bad as hed made out. Maybe she was deft and willing and good with children. But he still didnt want to have her around all the time, reminding him of Alice.
* * *
Jessies heart had been in her mouth when shed heard the crash in the kitchen, knowing Caleb must have fallen. Shed been halfway along the covered walkway, and shed dashed as fast as she could for the house door. When shed entered the kitchen...
Well, it had taken all the control she had to put on a calm exterior. Even so, her heart hadnt stopped thumping until he was back in the chair and she could see he was all right.
She set a bowl of oatmeal down in front of him with a little more force than necessary. He was fortunate. Didnt he realize that? He could have ended up back in the hospital again.
A stubborn man like Caleb probably wouldnt admit it, even to himself. Any more than hed admit that he could use her help. Apparently it would take more than a broken leg to make him willing to have her near him.
She slipped into her chair as Caleb bent his head for the prayer. Then she started the platter of fried scrapple around the table. Timothy took a couple of pieces eagerly, but she noticed that Becky didnt serve herself any until she saw her father frown at her. Obviously Jessie wasnt going to win Becky over easily.
Jessies heart twisted at the sight of that downturned little mouth. Becky looked as if shed been meant by nature to be as sunny a child as Timothy, but life had gotten in the way. If only Jessie could help...but there was no sense thinking that, unless she could change Calebs mind.
The men were talking about whether or not it was too early to plant corn, all the while consuming vast quantities of food. Jessie had forgotten how much a teenage boy like Thomas could eat. He seemed a little shy, and he was all long legs and arms and gangly build. Tomorrow morning shed fix more meat, assuming Caleb didnt intend to chase her out even before breakfast.
Sam says hell komm on Monday and help get the corn planted, Zeb said. Told him he didnt need to, but there was no arguing with him.
Jessie noticed Calebs hand wrapped around his fork. Wrapped? No, clenched would be a better word. His knuckles were white, and she guessed that the fork would have quite a bend in the handle when he was done.
Caleb wouldnt believe it, but that was exactly how she felt when he refused to let her help.
Timothy tugged at her sleeve. Can I have more oatmeal?
For sure. She rose quickly, glad there was something she could do, even if it was only dishing up cereal.