Hers was the advice I took, pushing Detective Daviess head back and mock punching her. She jerked backward, and I seized the opportunity to get my legs around her, lift up and flip her so that she was the one on her back and I was the one on top. Then, I pretended to punch her repeatedly in the face until she was unconscious.
I met the gaze of that girl. Thank you. You saved me.
I wasnt prepared for the tears that suddenly appeared in her eyes. She nodded, blinking furiously to stop herself from crying. The other girls did a funny thinginstead of comforting her, they applaudedturning her from victim to hero. Her tears evaporated into a smile. It was a shaky smile, but it was still a smile.
I climbed to my feet and offered Detective Davies my hand to help her up. She took it and gracefully rolled up onto her feet.
Well done, she said. You knew exactly what to say to them.
I wish I hadnt. Our gazes met. Known what to say to them, I mean.
She patted my shoulder. Me too. Then, she turned to the class. I think thats a good place to leave it for this week. Well meet again next Thursday at the same time. Feel free to bring a friend with you. Until then, feel free to practice what we went over. Although try not to actually hurt anyone who doesnt deserve it. She smiled.
The girls stood up. I approached the girl whose name I didnt know. The one who had told me how to get out of Detective Daviess hold. She had brown hair, and blue eyes that seemed to look right through me. Hey, I said. Im Hadley.
She nodded. I know. Im Caitlin. Thanks for setting this up.
I shrugged. I didnt really. Detective Davies did. It was her idea.
Well, thanks anyway. She turned to walk away.
Hey, I called. She turned around. Are you coming next week?
Yeah, she said. You?
Yeah, Ill be here. This had to be the most awkward conversation Ive ever had. I felt so stupid. What had I expected? That we would be instant friends?
Her smile was lopsided, and I think maybe a little sarcastic. Well, see you then. And then she walked away.
Hadley?
I turned. Zoe stood there with her friend Anna. Did you like it? I asked.
The two of them grinned. Yeah, they chorused.
Were going over to the frozen yogurt place, Zoe said. Do you want to come with us?
I meant to say no. No was what Id said ever since Magdas funeral. No, I didnt want to hang out. No, I didnt want to go to the dance. No, I didnt want anything to eat. And no, I did not want to talk about it.
Sure. Are you going right now?
Zoe nodded. Yeah. You can come with us, or you can meet us there if you have something to do. She sounded almost as awkward and uncertain as I felt, which was strangely comforting. It struck me as odd that we seemed even more vulnerable after learning how to kick the shit out of somebody than we had before. Why was that?
I just have to grab my jacket.
Well wait, Anna blurted. She blushed. If you want us to, that is.
At this rate, by next class we wouldnt even be able to make eye contact. I felt myself smile, and not just because I wanted to put her at ease, but because I actually wanted to smile. I felt a strange tickle in my chest, like when your foot falls asleep and gets all prickly when the blood starts to circulate again. I hadnt hung out with another girl since Magda. Since her suicide Id been pretty antisocial. The only person I saw on a regular basis that wasnt family was Gabe. Which reminded me I needed to go by the cemetery tomorrow after school.
Ill just be a second, I said. We can walk over together.
Anna actually clapped her hands. Yay!
I laughed as I walked away. I thought this class would just be about violence. My experience with other girls was that once you put a group of them together they got all bitchy with one another. Maybe this class was going to be different. Maybe instead of fighting with each other wed start fighting for each other.
And God help any guy who got in our way.
CHAPTER 5
Gabriel was already at Magdas grave when I got there on Friday. Like me, he mustve come straight from class, because there was a backpack on the grass by her tombstone.
He sat cross-legged on the grass, leaning back on his forearms as the afternoon sun shone down on his face. It was warmeven for Septemberand hed taken off his jacket. His eyes were closed, so I just stood there for a moment and looked at him.
I didnt remember when my feelings for him had become something more than just friendship, but I know it had been at least a couple of years. Id never told Magda that I had a crush on her brother. She wouldve found it weird. I found it weird.
I dont think there were many girls who would blame me for having a thing for him. He was gorgeous. But more than his looks, he was a good person. Strong and honorable. He could make me laugheven after all that had happened.
Finally, I decided to approach. If he opened his eyes and saw me standing there gawking at him, hed think Id gone nuts.
Hi.
He opened his eyes, squinting at me. Hey. I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show.
School only let out twenty minutes ago, I told him. I put my bag beside his before plopping down on the grass on the opposite side of the tombstone. We both faced the same direction as the stone. It made it easier to pretend that Magda was between us rather than beneath.
Right. He slipped on a pair of sunglasses that had been lying on the grass by his hip. I forgot. Hows it going?
I shrugged. Okay. It doesnt seem right without her.
Gabriel stared straight ahead. Nothing does. Its getting a little easier, but that just makes it all the more painful when I remember shes gone.
I didnt say anything. I didnt have to. He knew I felt the same way.
Diane Davies has started a self-defense course for girls.
He turned his head to look at me, but I couldnt see his eyes behind the dark lenses. The cop?
Yeah. We had the first one Thursday night. Shes doing it at the dojo. Gabriel had been the one to get me into aikido in the first place, but he hadnt been there in a while.
Youre taking it?
You sound surprised.
I am. I thought you hated her. And you already know how to kick ass.
I was mad that she couldnt make the four of them pay for what they did. I guess now I know it wasnt her faultlike you said.
Its good that shes doing something. Did many girls show up?
A few. Hopefully well get more. I plucked a blade of grass and shredded it between my fingers. Jason Bentleys having a party on Saturday night.
His back stiffened. The tightened muscles in his arms were like smooth stone beneath his skin. Are you going?
I dont know.
This time when he turned his head his gaze lingered on me. Yes, you do.
I dont know how he did it, but he always seemed to know when I was lying. Okay then, fine. Im going.
Why?
Because if Drew Carson tries to drug and rape another girl, I want to be there to stop it.
I dont know how he did it, but he always seemed to know when I was lying. Okay then, fine. Im going.
Why?
Because if Drew Carson tries to drug and rape another girl, I want to be there to stop it.
And just how do you think you can do that? Are you going to stand guard outside the bedrooms?
If I have to. My voice was sharp and belligerent.
What if he takes that as an invitation? What if the girl he targets is you?
That wont happen. Im not going to let him get anywhere near me.
That wont matter if the four of them gang up on you. Even youre not capable of fighting off four guys.
He was right, and I knew it. I also hated him for it. Im not going alone. Im going with another girl.
Im coming with you.
My heart jumped in fear. No. You cant do that. If you walk in there, the four of them and all their friends will jump you.
My odds of not being raped are significantly higher than yours.
My odds of not being beaten to death are significantly higher than yours. You cant go.
If you go, Im going.
Youre such an asshole.
He rolled onto his side so that he faced me, bracing himself on his forearm. I could say the same thing. What are you thinking, Hadley? What are you planning to do that you dont want me to know about?
Could he see the pulse at the base of my throat pounding beneath my skin? Nothing. Im not stupid.
I know youre not. Sometimes I think youre too smart for your own good. Your intelligence isnt the problem. Your impulsiveness is. Your anger is.
I snorted. Dont you lecture me on anger. I was there when you went after Drew. I know what you wouldve done to him if those guys hadnt pulled you off. And I know what those guys wouldve done to you if there hadnt been an audience. I remembered how bruised and bloody hed been, and how much worse Drew had looked. Most people went through life not knowing whether or not they could kill somebody, but Gabriel knew.
Youre not going without me.
Fine. I wont go.
Good.
We stared at each other, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. I was lying, and he probably knew it, but I was still going to try to sell it. If he was stupid enough to show up knowing what would happen to him, then let him. Him getting beaten up was more of a given than me being attacked.
We sat there in silence. Usually, we spent the time talking. Mostly we talked about Magda, but sometimes we talked about other things. This was the first time that neither of us had anything to say.
A little while later Gabriel rolled to his feet. I have to go to work. He brushed grass off his jeans and picked up his backpack.
I stood as well. Gabe...
He looked at me. Yeah?
I...I dont like feeling like youre mad at me.
His shoulders slumped. He dropped the backpack on the grass again and stepped across his sisters grave to stand directly in front of me. I wasnt prepared for him to wrap his arms around me and pull me close. He smelled like sunshine and fabric softener with a touch of sandalwood. I wound my arms around his waist, pressing my hands against his back. Holding him was like holding strength. I could feel it seeping through my clothes, slipping beneath my skin and into my bones. The sadness and helplessness that usually threatened to overwhelm me disappeared. I couldnt even find any anger in my heart.
He rested his cheek against my head. Please stay away from those guys. I cant lose you too.
Tears burned my eyes, but I blinked them away. I wasnt going to cry on him again, and I wasnt going to let him see how much his words affected me. I couldnt let him see my feelings for him, because I was his little sisters best friend and I knew the love he felt for me was only friendship. I didnt want to lose him. He wasnt just all I had left of Magda. He was all I had left period.
* * *
Like most of the wealthier families in our town, the Bentleys lived on Smith Street. It might have a common name, but Smith Street was one of the oldest streets in town. You could tell how old the houses were by how they were built. The newer houses were large and sprawling, usually white or bluish gray. The older housesthe ones that had been there for a century or morewere red brick or gray stone. The Bentleys lived in a house that was brick that had been stuccoed over.
Zoe and I arrived there around ten oclock Saturday night. I didnt live on Smith Street, or anywhere near it. My family lived in one of the newer suburbs of town. My mother was an accountant and my father was an engineer. We werent poor, but we werent the Bentleys. Mags and I were top of our class in our old school, and we were able to get scholarships. Our parents somehow managed to scrape together the rest of the money for tuition. Magdas grades had slipped after the rapeto the point where the school was going to kick her out. Her suicide saved them the trouble, the unfeeling bastards.
Are you ready to do this? Zoe asked. I mean, its gotta be painful.
I wanted to say that sometimes pain was better than feeling nothing, but that was really so melodramatic. I shrugged. Its okay. I didnt know what I hoped to accomplish by going to that damn party. Maybe it was penance for letting Magda down. Maybe I wanted to show that I wasnt afraid. Maybe I thought I could possibly stop another girl from being raped. Maybe I just didnt want to sit home alone.
We walked up the flagstone path. Zoe had driven and promised me she wasnt going to drink. It was a relief to know that I probably wouldnt have to worry about her. Unfortunately, I still had to worry about pretty much every other girl there.
It was a warm night, and I was wearing cropped jeans and a blouse. I didnt wear dresses or skirts anymore.
We rang the doorbell. We could hear the music inside the house. It was loud, but not so loud that the neighbors would call the police. Not that it would matter if they did. The Bentleys, the Weeks, the Henrys and the Carsons were important families, which apparently entitled them to behave in ways that would get the rest of us in trouble. They were exempt from any kind of responsibility, and that extended to their sons.
The door opened. Standing in the open frame in jeans and a T-shirt that probably cost more than my entire outfit was Jason. A year ago I wouldve described him as cute. I mightve even wanted him to pay attention to me. Now his face had as much appeal as a bowl of maggots. If he ever touched me, I would probably take a cheese grater to the spot just to get rid of the taint.
He smiled when he saw us, though it faltered a little when he looked at me. Hey, he said, standing back so we could step inside. Glad you could make it.
I followed Zoe inside. She smiled and thanked him for inviting us. I couldnt do anything more than nod.
Do you want a soda or anything? he asked, leading us deeper into the house. The floor looked like marble, and the staircase was wide enough to drive a car up.
Sure, Zoe said.
Do you have anything in cans? I asked. There was no way I was going to let him bring me a glass.
He shot me a glance as though he could read my mind. Sure. Come into the kitchen.
The kitchen was just as perfect as the rest of the house. There wasnt even a crumb on the stove. A stack of pizza boxes sat on the counter, and I could smell the cheesy, tomatoey goodness.