I know its what Tom always wanted for his children.
Since I had no honest response that didnt seem cruel, I bit my tongue. I could manage that for one phone call.
But on a more permanent basis?
Id forgotten how tense Rose could make me. Oh, I knew it on an objective level, but Id repressed the actual physiological reactions she provokedstomach in knots, palms clammy as I wondered what I would do or say wrong next. Living near this woman wouldnt be in the best interests of my blood pressure.
I cleared my throat. Why dont I get Sara and let you chat with her while I finish making dinner?
Id love to talk to the darling girl! But isnt it a bit late for them to be eating?
Its not that late. Well, maybe it is. Traffic was I did not have to justify my childrens eating habits. One look at them would assure anyone that I wasnt raising underfed waifs. And tomorrow was Saturday, so there was no harm in letting them sleep in a little if our evening ran behind schedule. For that matter, it would mean I got to sleep in a little, assuming stress didnt have me awake again in the murky predawn hours.
I didnt mean to sound critical, dear, Rose said. It takes time to properly prepare a good home-cooked meal, and I applaud you. Too many parents nowadays rely on fast food. What are you fixing?
Glad Id called her tonight and not after last nights take-out kids meals, I glanced at the empty cardboard box and the plastic bags. Um, lasagna. Lasagna-flavored, anyway. I saw no reason to elaborate and find out whether or not the fare met Roses criteria for home-cooked.
Wonderful! One of Toms favorites.
My stomach clenched again. I wasnt used to other people mentioning him so flagrantly, dredging up twenty years of memories each time his name was spoken. Dianne always waited for me to broach the subject. With the kids, I didnt avoid talking about himit was important they knew their father loved thembut I didnt want to push, either. And, I admit, not discussing him sometimes made it easier for me to get through the day.
When I thought about him too much, wishing he were here to hug me and say everything would be okay, to reassure me I would somehow be enough for the kids, that Id find the answers to the tough questions, that Id
Mommy! Fire, Mommy, fire!
I jumped at Saras presence as much as her announcement. Id been too lost in thought to notice her wandering into the kitchen, so her voice at my elbow came as a shock.
As Rose demanded to know what had happened, I glanced toward the stove. My pan of simmering food had boiled over just enough that some of the noodles had fallen onto the burner and ignited. Pasta flambé. But nothing that would require actual firemen at the scene.
Everythings fine, I assured my mother-in-law as I turned off the stove. No reason to worry. I just ran into a snag with dinner. Well call you back tomorrow, if thats all right.
All right? It will be the highlight of my weekend! Two calls, after months and months of not hearing from you? Its a grandmothers dream come true.
I hung up feeling thoroughly chastised, not realizing until I was loading the dishes later that, hey, wait a minute, Rose had a phone, too. She could always call us if she wanted to talk to the kidsor further criticize the way I was raising them. A pocket of resentment bubbled up in me, despite the noble intentions Id had when Id first dialed her number. Ten minutes of Rose went a long way.
What would weeklyor, gulp, dailyinteraction be like?
Oh, yeah. Moving to Boston was out of the question.
CHAPTER 2
I cant believe youre moving to Boston! Dianne, whod waited until my daughter and her giggly best friend were out of earshot, looked suspiciously as if she might cry.
No waterworks, I warned, feeling shaky myself. If you start, were both doomed.
Bawling in my kitchen was not how I wanted to commemorate my fortieth birthday. Giving Martin my final decision this morning had been difficult enough. Still, Dis recent announcement had made accepting the transfer a no-brainer.
Determined to be happy for her, even though I would miss her, I smiled. Youre moving on to bigger things yourself. I didnt even know lounge acts had talent scouts. And they want you to be headliner!
Yeah, but the cruise-ship thing is only temporary. Im just subletting my place. And when I come back, you She turned away, unbuckling a newly scrubbed, fresh-faced Ben from his high chair. There for a while, it had been touch or go whether wed ever find him underneath a layer of frosting.
My son certainly appreciated your baking efforts, I teased. When Id come home for the evening birthday celebration wed promised the kids, Dianne had greeted me with the announcement that shed made a cake but doubted it was edible.
Ben mistook it for face paint and didnt know it was food. You were kind to have a slice, but face it, I lack your domestic-goddess skills.
I thought about the accumulated fast-food dinners in the past few months and the fact that my bedroom had become a wildlife refuge for dust bunnies. Fallen domestic goddess, you mean.
She set Ben down, her gaze sympathetic. Dont be so hard on yourself, babe. Youre doing the best you can.
Thats what worries me. What if it didnt get better? Or, what if moving to Boston made things even worse?
I obviously didnt hide my concerns very well because Diannes expression filled with guilt.
Its all my fault you have to go.
Youre not responsible for the companys falling profits of the last two quarters and Kazka being edged out by the competition here in Florida.
No, but my being away for six months leaves you without a much-needed babysitter. Maybe if
Im sure you spent all those years in dance class so you could become an inadequately compensated nanny. Besides, you might have noticed Im also without a much-needed job.
She bit her lip. There is that.
In the two weeks since Martins road diverging speech, Id been on several interviews with varying degrees of success. Two companies expressed polite disinterest, one company had offered a salary that wasnt going to cover mortgage and child care, and the last interviewer was a sleaze whod stopped one suggestive question shy of my reporting him to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Luckily, our office in Boston sounded happy to have me. In diametric opposition to their Floridian counterpart, Kazkas northeastern division was doing so well that theyd expanded the sales force, promoting the woman whod served as sales coordinator, the position Id held here and would fill for them.
Moving was the logical step, even if I hadnt yet found a place to liveor the courage to tell the kids. Id put it off as long as possible, not wanting to upset them until Id exhausted every option. The thought of telling Sara shed have to leave the only home she knew filled me with dread.
You cant shelter her from everything. Isnt that what Id told Tom on more than one occasion?
Rather than be faced with his daughters tears of frustration, he practically offered to tie her shoelaces until she was in high school. Like me, Sara had been blessed with a father who absolutely adored her. Id never known my momher post C-section infection had been fatally complicated by diabetesbut my protective dad had tried hard to be the perfect parent. Hed done an admirable job, yet there were pains and losses from which even he couldnt spare me. Especially after the stupid fall that had killed him while hed tried to help a neighbor patch her roof.
I swallowed back a lump of emotion and jerked a thumb over my shoulder. Id, um, better check on the girls. All I need for them is to get lipstick all over the carpet before we put the house on the market.
Ben grinned up at me, cherubically unalarmed by the words house and market. As Martin had cheerfully pointed out today, I had a ton to do, and finding a real-estate agent was at the top of the list. I would also need to tell Rose about the move and probably beg her to help us find a place in Boston. Assuming anyone wanted to buy this place and that I could get us all packed in less than a month.
Id barely finalized the decision to transfer and was already wondering how to accomplish it all, how to find a good school for Sara, wondering if Id given up the job search here too early. It was funnyin that decidedly un-humorous wayhow Id been the one to make the bulk of day-to-day parenting decisions when Tom had been alive, but now that he wasnt here I keenly felt the burden of responsibility. What if Sara never got better at math? Who was going to teach Ben to pee standing up? If either of them grew up to be a serial killer, guess whose fault it would be?
I supposed I could look into some sort of single-mother support group for my occasionally neurotic thoughts, but how was I going to find the time and energy to commiserate with other moms about my lack of time and energy?
With a mental shake, I poked my head into Saras room. She and her friend Callie both wore the traditional cardboard cone party hats, held in place with elastic chin straps. Sara had also placed one on Ellie, her beloved pink stuffed elephant.
Hi, Mommy. My daughter beamed up at me, pink lipstick smeared around her mouth and green shadow circling her eyes. Callie doesnt hafta go home yet, does she?
No, I was just checking to see if you were still playing beauty parlor.
Sara shook her head. Nope. We got pretty for a princess ball, and were going to that now.
I grinned, glad Callies mom wouldnt mind the princess makeup when I took her daughter home. You guys have fun. Im going to go say goodbye to Dianne.
My friend had to work tonight, but it had been sweet of her to stay to have an early dinner and cake with me and the kids. I found her on the back patio, pushing Ben in his outdoor toddler swing. Even though wed reached the end of September, it was still warm outside. Yesterday, the air-conditioning window unit in my office had crapped out and Id felt as if Id been trying to finish filing in a sauna.
You know, I said slowly, it might be nice to live somewhere where they have actual seasons.
Dianne sent me a comically blank look. What are those?
We definitely didnt get a lot of white Christmases in these parts, and while I had nothing against palm trees, they dont provide spectacular autumn foliage.
I snapped my fingers, remembering Roses birthday gift last year. And sweater weather! Just not army-green ones, no offense to those who were being all they could be.
Unflattering colors aside, Id much rather be seen in a soft knit turtleneck than a bathing suit. Sure, some women looked good in swimsuits even after multiple pregnancies, but clearly theyd struck some sort of Faustian bargain.
Switching places with Dianne, I took over swinging my laughing son. Boston wont be so bad. Rose will lavish affection on the kids. And Ill be fine, learning the ropes in the new office.
Whos worried about you? She sniffed. Im thinking of myself. When I come back, you wont even be here!
Yes, but youll be rich and famous by then and can afford to visit me. Besides, youre never gonna meet hot young guys if you spend all your time around a widowed suburbanite.
Her lips curled in an appreciative grin. Ah, hot young guys. Now theres a topic that perks me up. Maybe you should give guys some thought, too.
What? My head snapped in her direction, and I was so startled I let my hands drop to my sides. When I didnt catch Bens swing on the rebound, it hit me in the midsection. Oof.
Dianne glanced down, and I didnt know if it was because she was trying not to laugh or because she was hesitant about broaching the subject. I know youve been throughmore than I can imagine. But moving to a new city is like a fresh start in a lot of ways. Full of new opportunities.
You sound like Martin.
He tells you to think about dating, too?
No.
Dating? An interesting idea, but interesting in the same way as me being an astronautunlikely and surreal. Id been with Tom for half my life, almost all of my adult life. Would I even know how to date?
I know Im butting in, Dianne said unrepentantly, but thats what best friends do. Youll be meeting people, and Rose might be available for some weekend babysitting. You call yourself a widowed suburbanite
Which part of that statement is inaccurate?
Im just saying theres more to you than that. A lot more.
I didnt know what to say, so I merely nodded. Theoretically, I wasnt opposed to dating someday, but it was at the bottom of my very long list of concerns right now. Still, I was touched that my younger friend with the comparatively exciting life saw more to me than I suspected my sympathetic neighbors and co-workers often did. There was a brief silence as we recognized that wed gone from playground chat to one of those girlie bonding moments often portrayed in commercials for yogurt and International coffees.
She gave a sideways little grin. All Im saying is that you should consider dating, and if you should meet any good-looking younger guys, feel free to tell them about me.
Who said I dont want a younger guy? I was kidding, of course, but one of the things I adored about Dianne was how I never had to explain that.
You might need one to keep up with you. Ive heard women really hit their stride at forty, get empowered and stuff. These will probably be your bad-ass years.
Charlie Smith, bad-ass at large. I laughed, despite knowing in that moment how keenly I would miss her.
Encouraged, she continued. I hope when Im forty, Ive still got it enough that strange men risk sexual harassment suits just to hit on me. Her joking helped take the edge off the awful interview Id had early in the week.
Youre deranged, I said affectionately.
Yeah, and I cant bake a cake to save my life. When you start making new friends in Boston, try to trade up, would you?
Not possible.
Her expression sobered. Are you going to tell them tonight? I could stay if you want.
Your boss refused to give you the night off, I reminded her. You should probably be leaving now.
True. But Im starting a new job in two weeks anyway. Whats he going to do, fire me?
I sighed, torn between wanting her there when I broke the news to the kids, and being afraid that when they realized they wouldnt see her anymore, the conversation would go even worse. No, you get to work. Im not going to tell the kids tonight, anyway. Saras been insistent about celebrating my birthday, and theres no reason to bring it up before morning.
Maybe by then, I would have found the right words and the confidence to assure them that everything was going to turn out great.
Nights were the worst. Its so much easier not to worry during the day, not to remember, but when its dark and still, the things you dont want to think about have a way of finding you. Especially if youre alone.