Maybe by then, I would have found the right words and the confidence to assure them that everything was going to turn out great.
Nights were the worst. Its so much easier not to worry during the day, not to remember, but when its dark and still, the things you dont want to think about have a way of finding you. Especially if youre alone.
It was a little pathetic, the way I wished Sara were here to stay up and watch movies with me, but Callies mom had invited my daughter to spend the night. Since I knew Sara and Callie wouldnt be seeing much of each other in the months to come, Id instantly agreed.
Ben was asleep in his room and I was doing my best to fall asleep in the living room watching television. Our powder-blue couch was nubby and going threadbare in the arms, and so many of the pillows were stained that I had to turn them backward when company came. The sofa was comfortable in a favorite ratty sweatshirt kind of way, though, and I didnt think I could sleep in my room tonight.
When Id turned thirty-nine, Tom and I had celebrated alone together, our first big night out since Id had Ben. Tom had joked that the romantic dinner was for me, but that our having sex afterward was more like a present to him. Since its not always easy to work up enthusiasm for intimacy when youre the mother of a newborn, that night had been the last time wed made love. I wished now that there had been something unique about it, something special that stood out that I could hold on to in my memory. Like what, rose petals strewn across the comforter? But it had just been us, my husband and me, coming together as we had hundreds of times before. No more, no less. Wed had no idea that we didnt have many nights left.
Tom had been hale and hearty in that macho I dont need doctors sense, proud of how few sick days hed taken at the construction firm where hed worked his way into management. Although fiercely protective of his wife and kids, he wasnt by nature a worrier and refused to stress over intangibles like his cholesterol count. I was the one whod nagged him into that last checkup, reminding him that his own father had died of a stroke when Tom had still been in high school. Though hed humored me by eventually making the appointment, hed pointed out not unkindly that my dad had been perfectly healthy before the fall that had killed him, so there was no sense in obsessing over what we couldnt control.
Even when the doctors had concluded that Tom needed the angioplasty and could no longer dismiss the chest pains hed tried to downplay, my husband hadnt seemed concerned. Hed told me everything would be finea frequent reassurance I missed but that had turned out to be hollow in this case. He reminded me that angioplasty wasnt even considered a surgery anymore but just a procedure, thats how low-key it was. Hed still been chiding me about it before theyd wheeled him away, before the arterial spasm that had caused damage, leading to an emergency bypass and freak fatal heart attack.
You worry too much, baby. Havent I always taken care of you?
He always had. But now here I was, my first birthday without him since Id been eighteena lifetime ago.
The children had each had birthdays over the summer. The night Ben had turned one, after the kids were in bed, Id sobbed until I threw up. Earlier in the day, well-meaning Gladys Winslow had assured me Tom was witnessing the milestone in heaven. My spiritual belief that he was indeed in a better place hadnt stopped me from briefly wanting to shake my elderly neighbor by her frail shoulders and scream, How is watching from some ethereal distance doing the kids and me any good?
Anger was supposed to be one of the early stages of grieving, followed later by depression and eventually acceptance, but I seemed to experience them in a random and sometimes repeating jumble.
For Saras sixth birthday, Id thrown an all-out bash, even scrimping and saving beforehand to rent a pony. There had been brief, teary moments that day when I knew shed been thinking about her father, but, mostly, the sugar-charged five- and six-year-olds running and screaming through my house had served as a decent distraction. Maybe I should have invited them all back for my birthday today. Even if I had, Id still have to deal with now, the night, and the realization that I was forty and alone.
Forty was fine, in theory, this just wasnt where Id planned on being in my life. When Tom and I had married right after his winter graduation, Id been young and uncertain in some areas. Moving away from the shelter of the small Georgia town Id grown up in had been a huge change; losing my dad had been devastating. But Id had Tom at my side to help me work through it, and Id possessed lots of youthful optimism. Convinced Id become accomplished and assured as I grew older, I took a part-time job as a receptionist and threw myself into efforts to be the perfect wife and, one day, mother. Id had visions of hand-knitted booties, future PTA presidencies, the day when Tom would brag to an unhappy co-worker on his second marriage to a petite trophy wife that I was more than enough to keep a man happy at home.
Id thought that by forty, Tom and I would be raising teenagers. I hadnt counted on the two miscarriages before having Sara and being over thirty when I had my first baby. I had imagined wed be financially secure after wisely investing for several years, maybe sneaking off for the occasional romantic cruise. I hadnt expected to be dashing around town trying to find a job, second-guessing the decisions I had to make for myself and my children.
That was what really pissed me off about this birthday, about my age. Not the wrinkles, which were so far mostly limited to the laugh lines around my blue eyes; not the streaks of silver, which didnt stand out too much yet in my pale hair; not even the sagging boobs, which I could claim to have earned nobly by nursing two children. No, what grated my cheese was the fact that Id pictured having a stable life by forty, one in which I knew what the hell I was doing.
Boy, had I been off the mark.
After breakfast in the morning, I still had a few minutes before I needed to pick up Sara. Deciding there was no time like the present to take proactive steps toward our new future, I phoned a woman who had been in Saras and my Mommy and Me group. Having heard through the grapevine that Lindsay and her husband had sold a house not far from us a few months ago, I was curious to know if shed recommend her agent. If so, it might save me from randomly sorting through the 340 Realtors in our area. If not, I could at least cross the guy off the list and narrow down prospects to the other 339.
Lindsay was the proud mother of a seven-year-old little boy, four-year-old girl and their six-month-old baby sister. As we talked, all three of them seemed to be clamoring for Lindsays attention, along with her husbandwho, she informed me, was packing for an overseas business conference and not a lot of help with the trio of noisemakers.
So youre serious about selling the house? she asked over someones crying and her husband demanding to know if shed seen his other brown belt. I dont envy you. That whole process was such a pain, Idoh, but Im sure youll have a much better experience.
Definitely. Because Id been the poster child for good luck lately. Well, I have a great job waiting for me in Boston and family there, so I think the move will be healthy for me and the kids.
Im glad to hear it. Idid you check the closet? What about the hook behind the bathroom door? Sorry, Charlie, I was talking to Mark there, not you. Anyway, Im thrilled youll be closer to helping hands. Ive always felt so awful that there wasnt more I could do, but with the pregnancy and everything
Definitely. Because Id been the poster child for good luck lately. Well, I have a great job waiting for me in Boston and family there, so I think the move will be healthy for me and the kids.
Im glad to hear it. Idid you check the closet? What about the hook behind the bathroom door? Sorry, Charlie, I was talking to Mark there, not you. Anyway, Im thrilled youll be closer to helping hands. Ive always felt so awful that there wasnt more I could do, but with the pregnancy and everything
I understand, Lindsay. And I did. But understanding hadnt eased the sting completely. After Tom had died, Id felt as if Id not only lost him but the circle of friends wed had, which was made up primarily of other married couples.
At first, people had invited me over, but it had been awkward, like being the only unicorn on an ark full of paired-off animals. I dont remember if the invitations stopped first or if Id started making excuses not to go. Maybe the gradual distance was my fault, but I got the impression everyone had been relieved when they didnt have to tiptoe around marital subjects anymore. I wondered with sudden insight if this was part of the reason I was so comfortable with a woman over a decade younger than me who didnt even have a serious boyfriend, much less impending nuptial plans.
Just know that youre in our prayers and our hearts, Lindsay added. You give me a holler if theres ever anything I can do for you.
I would be grateful for that agents name and number, I reminded her cheerfully.
Oops. Right, sorry. Shed just finished reciting the information Id called for when she was interrupted by her husband again, this time because he couldnt find his cell phone. Oh, for I cant believe they let this disorganized man plan their budget at work! Id better run, or hes going to end up missing his flight. You know how husbands are.
There was a sharp silence, followed by immediate apologies I was too slow to stem. I am so, so I shouldnt have said that, Charlie. Honestly, I dont know where my head is. The last thing you need is to be reminded I didnt mean to
Its okay, Lindsay. Tell Mark I said hi. On the bright side, I told myself as I hung up, compared to that conversation, telling Rose about the move this afternoon would be a breeze.
Except that hours later, after spending an active day at the park and getting the kids tucked in for a short nap, calling my mother-in-law didnt seem any easier. Why was this so hard? Because itll be real then. This chapter of your life will come to an end.
Then again, once it did, maybe I could move on. Maybe Id reach a point where my emotions werent hovering so close to the surface, like bruises just under the skin, where tiny reminders werent around every corner, catching me off guard and evoking a fresh sense of loss. People assured me Id adjust to the grief; mostly, to my extreme shame, I just wanted it gone. How terrible was it that sometimes I wished I could just forget the man whod fathered my children and spent half his life with me?
Maybe my guilt was what made talking to his mother even more difficult.
But stalling wasnt helping anyone. I sat on the sofa with the cordless phone, propping my feet on the coffee table and sinking down in the cushions. Then I made the call.
To say Rose was startled to hear from me would be an understatement. Yoah stahting to worry me, Chahlie.
I wondered absently if the kids would one day speak with Bostonian accents.
So many calls in such a short time! she exclaimed. Oh, but youre probably calling to say thank you.
Belatedly, I recalled the sunshine-yellow blouse that had arrived yesterday. My own fault that it was too small and, if buttoned across my chest, would probably get me arrested. Well, yes, thank you for the shirt, but
You dont like it?
Oh, no, its, umbright. Very cheery. I was just going to say that I have an additional reason for calling.
Are you unwell? The children?
When Tom had died, Id felt I should be the one to tell her. The conversation was a blur to me, except for Dianne taking the phone when I couldnt get through the words, but the sudden panic in Roses voice gave me a moment of déjà vu, a flicker of repressed memory.
Everybodys fine, I rushed to assure her. Actually, I have good news.
This is what you sound like when youre happy?
Well. Its the kind of news thats good in the long run but chaotic in the short. The kids and I are moving. To Boston. Kazka is closing the warehouse and offices here and sending me up north.
Boston? Why, thats fantastic! How soon will you be here? I have a friend with a granddaughter just Saras age, theyll get along famously. And there are a couple of private schools we might still be able to get her in, even though the years started. Thank God you have plenty of time to put Ben on all the right waiting lists. Youll just need to
Whoa, slow down! I hadnt even told the kids yet, and shed already yanked them out of the public school system? I, uh, appreciate your enthusiasm, but Im still feeling a little overwhelmed by the impending move. Just getting there is going to be an ordeal. I didnt relish a road trip with toddlers and a German shepherd, but paying for airfare was out of the question. Besides, how else would I get our van to Boston?
You didnt breathe a word of this last time we spoke. Were you holding out until you had a definite buyer?
I meant to tell her that this had all been rather sudden, but instead echoed, Buyer?
When do you close? she asked. Did they meet your asking price? I hope youre not letting yourself get taken advantage of with all kinds of silly demands like recarpeting the place or giving them your washer and dryer.
I couldnt imagine anyone actually wanting my laundry set, which dated back to the Paleozoic, but it was all too easy to picture new occupants demanding carpet untouched by kid, Kool-Aid or dog. Thoughts like that were rather cart before the horse, however. I needed people to come see the place before I started worrying about haggling over the contract.
We havent sold the house quite yet. Or put it on the market, if one wanted to get technical. But Im absolutely confident it wont be a problem.
Oh. Her dubious tone didnt reflect my confidence, not that I blamed her. Mine was fake, anyway. Well, Im sure it will be all right, dear.
It would be, eventually. After Id told the kids and wed all adjusted to the idea. Ill keep you updated on the specifics, but I should run nowwake the kids up and figure out what to do for dinner.
Goodness, if you let them sleep so late in the day, how on earth do you get them to bed at night?
I sighed. Talk to you soon, Rose. Was it already too late to change my mind about the move?
CHAPTER 3
As I walked down the hall to get the kids, I heard murmurs and rustles from Bens room, along with the familiar annoyed cry as he realized he was waking up to a wet diaper. Even that tugged at my heart. I loved my kids so much and I just wanted to make the right decisions. Sometimes when I opened the door, where Sara and I had stenciled his name in animal-themed letters, I felt a jolt of happy anticipation at seeing him, snuggling him close. I knew that as they grew, snuggling opportunities became more rare.