Elvin and Wayne brought beers outside. Elvin heard the part of Steves conversation when they approached and sighed. He looked at Wayne in his silent bliss, nudged him, nodded to his pubic region, and shrugged. Wayne, realising Steve must be on the J-cloth story, smiled, while Elvin groaned. They had heard the hernia story many times. They put the drinks down and Steve and Charles took a drink, as Steve continued. A few weeks later the embassy contacted me and told me they had traced my daughter, Steve looked proud as he announced. Doctor Lucy Fossdyke M.D., a general practitioner with a practice in Cleethorpes. Lucy and her accountant husband, Bernard, came to visit me in Angeles. It was great to see them, especially my little girl. Bernards a bonehead, but a nice bloke.
I bet you were overjoyed, said Charles. Did you come home with them?
Nah, said Steve, they kept trying to persuade me, but I was too happy in the Philippines, so they went home without me.
Steve took another slurp of beer. About a month after theyd left, I got the same excruciating pain in my gut and they rushed me to the local hospital where a quack opened me up. They found a large mass that they thought was a malignant tumour... I shit myself when they told me.
Charles looked concerned, Elvin yawned, and Wayne smiled, unable to hear Steves tale, as he went on, The embassy contacted Lucy, who became distraught. She arranged for me to be medivaced to England. I got flown back and rushed into surgery when I arrived in Manchester.
Steve unbuttoned his shirt, showed Charles a large scar down the centre of his abdomen, and pointed to a smaller hernia scar on his right-hand side. The operation was a success and the surgeon removed a filthy old J-cloth from my abdominal cavity, festering there from my back-street hernia operation. He laughed and said, I made a full recovery, but now have an irritable and uncontrollable bowel, which gives me moments of embarrassment. I let rip pungent-smelling gas, which escapes at the most inappropriate moments when Im nervous or excited.
Pungent, interrupted Elvin, It smelled like a rat ate a pile of cow dung, before crawling up yer arse and dying... wait until you smell it Nobby, it will make your eyes water.
Steve chuckled and said, As I said, pungent. Anyhow, I was eager to return to the Philippines, but after lengthy conversations with my exasperated daughter, who kept telling me to grow up. I eventually heeded her advice and stayed in England. Lucy and Bernard Fossdyke are successful in their respective fields and bought several investment properties, including a guesthouse in Cleethorpes, which theyd converted into Fossdyke residential home. They told me I could stay there for as long as I wanted and Ive been there ever since.
Elvin knew Steve had almost finished his tale and thought. Charles got away lightly. He didnt mention his Filipina sexual encounters as usual.
So Charlie boy, my roaming, carefree days were over, and I am now settled into a boring life in Fossdyke, he sighed. Im seventy-one now, so I cant ever see me ever making it back to the Philippines, he gazed into his glass, took another drink, and said. Fossdyke was crap at first, but I entertained myself by thrashing out tunes on my beat-up old Stratocaster to annoy the other wrinklies and the old dragon, Chewy, said Steve, and pointed at Elvin. My dreary life took a turn for the better when he moved in.
Elvin, seizing upon the moment to interject, said, Yes, that was both memorable and amusing, he chuckled. However, that story will have to wait. He looked at his watch. We had better get back before Chewy locks us out.
They agreed, finished their drinks, and made their way back to Fossdyke.
Charles went to his room. The past few hours had been fun, but now he was alone in his room the pain of being without Mary gnawed away at him. He smelt the eggy musty aroma; he chuckled and thought. That must be Steve.
He drew the curtains, leant back in his chair, closed his eyes, and told Mary.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING, the four met at breakfast. Charles noticed the old folks seemed subdued compared to the chatter from the previous evening and kept glancing at the four as they ate.
A woman put a full English breakfast in front of Charles. He looked at the plate of greasy offerings and tucked in.
Glad to see you found your appetite, Charles, said Mrs Chew, who hovered around the table.
Charles nodded and shovelled a sausage into his mouth.
Right, whispered Steve. When Chewy buggers off we can plan what to do today.
He sneered at the other terrified looking old folk and played his imaginary air guitar. They cringed and put their heads down, rushing to finish their food.
So Elvin, how did you end up here? asked Charles, while cutting up a runny egg.
Elvin was the eldest of the four at seventy-five-years-old. A small solid built man who remained fit and active throughout his life. He had lived at Fossdyke since his wife passed away. Bald as a baboons botty, his dry sense of humour made people laugh with his witty off-the-cuff remarks.
Elvin took a slurp of tea and said. After me missus died, I didnt want to be alone, so I looked for a residential home and I liked Fossdyke. It was close to the sea, with a well-equipped leisure centre and swimming pool nearby, with other seaside amenities within walking distance. It appeared clean, efficient, and well run. I arranged an interview with Mrs Chew, who told me that there was a room available. She showed me around the residents quarters and while showing me the dining room, a woman came over and pulled er to one side. Chewy apologised, saying that she needed to sort out a problem, and she directed me to the recreation room, suggesting that I should check it out. I went along to the room and as I approached, I heard a guitar playing. He pointed to Steve, who chuckled as Elvin continued. So I went into the room and he stopped playing and asked me if I was lost... No, I said, Just aving a gander. Elvin smiled at Steve and continued. A gander, he said and taking the mickey out of my cockney accent, asked. Wot part of London are you from me old cock sparra? The Grimsby part, I told im.
He laughed, unplugged his Stratocaster from the amp, walked over, and said his name was Steve Baker... or I could call him, Strat. I told im, Im Elvin Stanley... or he could call me, Elvin Stanley, he chuckled and continued. I told him I knew the song he was playing, County Jail Blues and said it was a great song and I could play it. He asked if I was a guitarist. I told him I wasnt, but a dab hand on the old double bass. He must have got the ump, because he couldnt take his eyes off me Bobby Charlton comb-over, and said I looked like a twat. Elvin rubbed his bald head. He said he had Braun clippers and would give me a solar panel for a sex machine.
Well I did, but you still look like a twat, interrupted Steve chuckling and rubbing his head.
Hmm, grumbled Elvin. Then the cheeky git said, Elvin, thats a stupid name for a rock star. I didnt understand what he meant, so I said, Im not a rock star... I'm a geriatric.
Steve interrupted. I wanted to liven the place up, so I wanted to tell everyone he was a rock star. I knew it would give old Elsie an orgasm. Her tubes won't have been lubed since her old man snuffed it. She's probably got moss growing from her flaps, said Steve and chortled.
Steve interrupted. I wanted to liven the place up, so I wanted to tell everyone he was a rock star. I knew it would give old Elsie an orgasm. Her tubes won't have been lubed since her old man snuffed it. She's probably got moss growing from her flaps, said Steve and chortled.
Elvin laughed, pointed at Steve, and said. He then glared at me and announced. Ill call you Chippers! Short for chipmunk, because one of the bloody annoying chipmunks on T.V.s called Alvin, which sounds like Elvin, so Chipper's it is.
Elvin looked at Steve, smiled, and said. He made me feel right at home before Chewy came back into the rec room. She gave him a filthy look, dragged me away to her office, apologised, and hoped that Steve hadnt put me off the home. She assured me that the other old residents were far more relaxed. Elvin laughed. I paid my deposit there and then, sorted out the paperwork, and a few days later me and my old double bass moved in.
Yeah, said Steve, there was hell on over the next few months for the old codgers.
Elvin chuckled and said, Which only got worse for them when Wayne arrived wiv his drum kit and Yamaha keyboard.
Great for us, though, said Steve, we were now a trio.
Charles cringed, recalling the dreadful noise hed heard from this trio.
After breakfast, the four went to the recreation room. Residents who milled around in there were about to leave when Mrs Chew walked in and stood guard over the door to their instruments.
Weve got bingo at 10:00 am, so none of your antics today, she said and scowled.
The four sighed, went to the coffee machine, took their beverages outside, and sat on a bench in the grounds.
What did Mrs Chew mean last night when she mentioned what happened last time? asked Charles, looking intrigued.
The three looked uncomfortable and Charles thought he had hit a raw nerve, but after a moment's silence, Steve said. You tell him, deaf boy. After all, it was your fault.
What? Wayne asked, feigning deafness and fiddling with his hearing-aid.
Steve sniggered and said. Okay, I'll tell him.
Steve took a drink of coffee and said. Old deaf boy hadnt told us his full story, and always became selectively deaf when we questioned him about his life. Although strangely enough when we are in a pub his hearing becomes clear when offered a pint of beer, he said, and he and Elvin chuckled.
Wayne, knowing he had been rumbled and his hearing was okay, took over telling the story, which happened over a year ago. Toward the end of my first year at Fossdyke, I noticed small spots of grey hair.
Small! Steve interrupted, you're a lying twat Logan. You looked like Santas dandruff. he chuckled.
Wayne glared at Steve. At least I have hair, baldy, said Wayne, running his fingers through his hair. Not bad for a seventy-two-year-old, he smirked. Anyhow, I was applying a dab of black hair dye to a small patch that looked lighter than the rest. He pointed at the giggling Steve and Elvin. Those two knocked on my door wanting me to go to the recreation room to rehearse. They kept banging on the door, so I slipped the small plastic hair dye bottle into my pocket and answered. Steve pestered me to hurry, so in my haste, I forgot about the bottle.
He took a slurp of coffee and continued, We did a soundcheck after Elvin fitted his little falsies, and we played. Engrossed in beating out a rhythm, I didnt notice the bottle of hair dye slip out of my pocket and lodge under the foot pedal of my bass drum. I stamped on the pedal and the top of the bottle popped off.
A stream of black hair dye spurted over the cream-coloured, shag-pile carpet, interrupted Steve. And the worse thing is, old deaf boy didn't see it and carried on stomping on the pedal... You should have seen his face when he realised what happened and picked up the empty bottle.
Elvin sniggered as he recalled the event, remembering how Steve warned Wayne about how Chewy would crush his knackers unless he serviced her.
Well you made matters worse, buddy, said Wayne smirking.
Steve looked embarrassed as Wayne continued and pointed at him. Because old ripey was laughing so hard, he farted.
It was too much excitement for my uncontrollable dysfunctional bowel and it belched out foul-smelling puffs of gas, said Steve, smirking.
Foul-smelling puffs of gas. That's a goddamn understatement. It smelt like putrid eggs blowing out of your ass interrupted Wayne smiling.
It was like being gassed, said Elvin, it wez orrible.
Charles was enjoying every moment of this light-hearted banter, as Wayne told him. Chewy walked into the rec room, saw the black stains on the carpet, and smelt the pungent air around old ripey. She pinched her nose and accused us of letting off stink-bombs and throwing paint over the shag pile.
She wuz livid, said Elvin, and glared at us with 'err 'ands on 'err 'ips, screaming about wilful acts of vandalism, calling us senile destructive old men, and she called the boss, his daughter, he pointed at Steve.
And her crush on old deaf boy was over, chuckled Steve.
We felt like scolded schoolboys when the furious doctor and Mrs Chew came into the recreation room and bollocked us. We had tried scrubbing the dye off the carpet, but only spread the stain around, said Elvin. They threatened to kick me and Wayne out.
Yeah, but fortunately they only banned us from playing music again, said Wayne.
Steve chuckled and said, But now that you're here, Charley boy, I'm sure I can persuade Lucy to let us rehearse again.
Charles cringed, and through grated teeth said. Oh, that would be nice.
So whats the plan? We cant sit around here all day and I dont fancy bingo, said Elvin.
Ill call Lucy, said Steve, taking out his mobile phone.
Elvin looked at Charles and in a soft voice said. When we saw you yesterday, you looked like you had just lost someone very close, was it your wife? he asked.
Charles nodded.
Elvin gently squeezed Charles's arm and said. My world collapsed and I felt lost and alone when my missus died. I wanted to end it and I fink about her all the time, he looked at Charles, smiled, and told him, It gets easier Nobby, and we are always here for you. The band of wrinkled brothers, he chuckled and said. Lifes too short to be sad.
Charles gasped. Thats what my wife Mary always said.
Elvin smiled. And she was right.
Great news lads, interrupted Steve looking pleased, Lucy will have a word with Chewy. We can start rehearsing again tomorrow.
Great, well done buddy! exclaimed Wayne.
Elvin put his hand on Charless shoulder, smiled, and said. Now the healing begins Nobby.
The four spend the afternoon in the gardens planning for the next day and Charles told them about Mary.
Mrs Chew came outside on occasions and glowered at the four after receiving Lucys instructions.
Apart from Steve terrorising the old folk and warning them what lay in store, it was a sedate day for the old musicians.
After the evening meal, they strolled along to the Pavilion.
They sat on the same bench around the table and while Steve lit a cigarette, Elvin leaned over to Charles and said. I suppose you want to know what happened to my fingers and me little falsies, and 'ow a cockney ended up in Cleeforpes?