One such collection of animal wisdom handed down through the generations was Rules to Live By, the Thirteen Pillars of Wisdom. Mel entered the barn, which was the sanctuary, with the two Rottweilers, Spotter and Trooper from the farmhouse. Mel announced, I bring you good news. Play, frolic, and lounge along the banks of the pond, the same pond from which we drink. Especially the pigs among us, for this is your land, and Muhammad is our friend.
He might be your friend, but hes not our friend, said Billy St. Cyr, the Angora goat.
If the pigs werent held in such high regard, maybe less attention would be paid to the rest of us by the Prophet and his followers, said Billy Kidd, the lean brown and tan Boer goat.
This is the Lords plan, and our Messiah, Boris, who is resting, has come out of the mountains of the Sinai to deliver us from our present state of existence.
But isnt man great for he is made in Gods image?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; therefore, man is beautiful, made in Gods image. Thus, man is godly.
Then why are we to be delivered from our present state?
We are held by those who are not in Gods favor or made in His image.
Julius called out from the rafters, I beg to differ and find the premise of your argument flawed. What is Gods image? What empirical proof do we have that God isnt made in mans image? No man or beast among us would recognize the elusive God of heaven and earth if he were standing next to you or in a lineup.
The earths flat and thats that, sang a gaggle of geese.
Hey, Julius said, who let those dogs in here? Spotter and Trooper growled, baring teeth. Julius glared at them with his black eyes. And that mingy mule?
We are animals. Every day we are tempted by Satan to abandon our relationship to man, and thus, with God. It is not for us to question the way of the Lord. In doing so, you must be a mouthpiece of despair, possessed by evil delivered on behalf of Satan, thus spoke Mel.
Thats convenient, replied Julius.
You are evil personified, Mel said.
I know, Julius said, modestly. I get that a lot.
You are not one of us, Mel said for the benefit of the other animals gathered for evening prayer. You are a house pet released from a den of sin, set loose upon the innocent to haunt and taunt them into despair, but they will not listen or follow.
Aw, shucks, I had no idea I held such sway over you.
You cannot make us, for we are cloaked in righteousness, protected from the evils of Satan, and from you, so help us, God.
I cant take all the credit. I mean, where would I be without you, you with your fear and loathing, and me, me with my sunny disposition?
You will not corrupt or mislead us, Mel said. We are not sheep, after all. No offense.
None taken, bleated three sheep in unison.
Well, arent you on a tear? Dont let me stop you.
Mel told the gathering that the pigs among them were seen as holy by their Muslim neighbors, and to remember, and he repeated, that Muhammad was their friend. Scrawled in chalk across planks of boards against the back wall, and running down the length of the wall, were Rules to Live By, the Thirteen Pillars of Wisdom. Mel led the recital of the Thirteen Pillars of Wisdom as he did every night as the other animals followed.
1: Man is made in Gods image; therefore, man is holy, Godly.
There is no disputing this fact, Mel stated.
The animals present all seemed to agree.
Stanley said as he did every night, Humans only have 10, but we have 13? I cant remember that many. I cant even count that high.
Mel, as he did every night, ignored the horse.
Julius said, Unfortunately, this mule did not spook and drop a tablet or three on his way down from the mountain. Not even when a burning bush spoke his name, what nerve!
Mel ignored the parrot, too, and resumed.
2: We shall humble ourselves before man.
Stanley snorted and stamped his feet. He raised his tail to dump a mound of manure. Some were aghast, but because it had occurred in his stall, and not the sanctuary, it was not a sin. The next day the Thai and Chinese laborers, being that it was the Sabbath, would clean out the stalls anyway, and put the manure on the compost pile behind the barn. Regardless of what day it was, mostly foreign laborers took care of the surrounding moshavim and farm animals, as they did with the animals on this moshav.
3: The barn is hallowed ground, a sanctuary, wherein no animal urinates or defecates; wherein all is sacred;
4: Man is our creator and our salvation. Man is good.
I think we know who wrote his material, Julius said, removing a paintbrush from his beak while holding another brush in his left talon.
5: We shall not eat where we defecate;
6: We shall not defecate where we pray;
7: We shall not eat our feces or our young.
A hen clucked to her sister hens, These rules are impossible.
8: We serve man gladly for our survival.
Yes, we do, quacked three ducks.
He slops us, said a pig, so what?
Sounds like a lot of shit to me, said another pig, and the young pigs laughed.
9: For without man, we are lost. Mel glared at the troublemaker. Mel knew him and his family, a bunch of pigs.
Mel continued,
10: Thank God for man; we thank man for the animal, great and small, higher and lower of us;
11: No animal shall eat the flesh of another animal, great or small, higher or lower among us.
No pig can live on slop alone, said a sow.
Mel looked at the sow. He did not wish to stop the recital. She was a sow.
Precious man eats animal flesh, said another pig, a porker, and not long for this place, but soon for a one-way ticket for Cypress.
Mel stopped the recital. You are a prophet, my friend. He reminded the congregation that grain was added to supplement the already vitamin-enriched nutritious slop the moshavnik Perelman fed the pigs and that it contained enough proteins to suffice the animals needs. You are well fed, much better than any other pigs in the region.
We are the only pigs in the region.
Therefore, you are a privileged few, and Muhammad is your friend.
What a wonderful life we lead, said the sow.
Right, said the porker, just like paradise.
What about us? Trooper and Spotter whined.
Are you not taken care of and fed handsomely?
Yes, Father, they said and bowed.
To everything, there is a season. To every dog a bone. So, turn, turn, and do tricks for your bone.
The dogs turned, turned, and did tricks for a bone.
Do not question me or my motivations. Mel did not give the dogs a bone. Instead, Mel resumed the recital with,
12: We shall not allow ourselves to be covered in mud.
The yellow-feathered chicken clucked and hid behind the other hens among the sheep.
13: We shall honor our saints and martyrs.
Mel ended the recital; however, he continued with his sermon.
When we are outside, it is put upon us, he sermonized, to cover our waste, so as not to carry excrement into our house of worship. It is left to us to nourish the earth that grows the grain, and the grass that in turn nourishes us.
Right, said the porker, just like paradise.
What about us? Trooper and Spotter whined.
Are you not taken care of and fed handsomely?
Yes, Father, they said and bowed.
To everything, there is a season. To every dog a bone. So, turn, turn, and do tricks for your bone.
The dogs turned, turned, and did tricks for a bone.
Do not question me or my motivations. Mel did not give the dogs a bone. Instead, Mel resumed the recital with,
12: We shall not allow ourselves to be covered in mud.
The yellow-feathered chicken clucked and hid behind the other hens among the sheep.
13: We shall honor our saints and martyrs.
Mel ended the recital; however, he continued with his sermon.
When we are outside, it is put upon us, he sermonized, to cover our waste, so as not to carry excrement into our house of worship. It is left to us to nourish the earth that grows the grain, and the grass that in turn nourishes us.
The animals agreed, yes, yes, of course, that made sense.
We shall mark our small, short lives on this earth, and respect, and honor those who lead us through the darkness of this world, and the animal kingdom at large, beyond our farm, so that we shall enter the kingdom of God to be shepherded by Him.
Yes, yes, the animals sang out gleefully.
Mel continued his sermon, And those who wallow in mud shall die in it.
The chicken raised her head, Bog. She hid in the warm wool of the sheep. The young pigs didnt seem to care.
Any animal seen covered by mud shall be deemed a heretic.
Hes so mulish, Julius said, what a racket.
Do not be seen with the heretic pig of the great heresy or allow the beast to pour mud and water over your head or you, too, will be a heretic. I bring you the good news that we are all chosen as Gods children in the company of humans who protect and nurture us. Then feed on us, for this is the way of the Lord, the way of life, our life, as it is written and handed down through the ages. In a vision, I saw us led from our present condition to freedom.
Yes, its the part where they feed on us that scares up all the farm animals to flock to the great Mel, the Mule, Julius said. Works every time.
You will burn in hell.
Thus, sayeth the mule.
Atheist anarchist, Mel said.
Anarchy malarkey, Julius said and addressed the animals below in the sanctuary of the barn. Use your brains. Think for yourselves. Yes, were animals, but please, surely, we can think for ourselves, and forge a way through life.
You are not among us.
Listen, Julius said, the mule preaches fear, loathing, and superstition.
What does, loathing mean? One of the animals said.
You are not one of us.
Yes, you are domesticated animals, but that doesnt mean you have to be a herd.
Mel said, Is there nothing sacred?
Yes, nothing, Julius stated. There is nothing sacred.
Here came Mousey Tongue, scurrying over one of the beams above the sanctuary of the barn with the capitalist pig, Mousetrap in close pursuit. Mousey Tongue was a communist who thought everything should be distributed evenly as long as everything first came through him. He had a high-pitched, squeaky voice, and no one could understand anything he ever said. The capitalist pig, Mousetrap couldnt care less what Mousey Tongues political philosophy on economics was. He just wanted to eat the little bastard.
Scram you little rat, Julius said as he and the ravens perched along another beam.
I am not a rat, cried Mousey Tongue. I am a mouse.
What did he say? Dave said.
Squeak, squeak, something like that, Ezekiel said. I dont know rat.
I am not a rat, Mousey Tongue squeaked past them.
Well, Ezekiel said, nodding toward the mouse, before the cat gets his tongue?
Oh, no, thank you, Dave said. I couldnt eat another thing.
Mousey Tongue was also an atheist who, when not being pursued through the rafters by the capitalist pig, on occasion, defecated on the beams and took pleasure rolling his little turds over the edge, letting them fall where they may on the consecrated ground below where no one was the wiser, except the chickens who werent telling anyone. They were happy to clean house. As far as Mel knew, they were following rules number 5: We shall not eat where we defecate; and number 6: We shall not defecate where we pray.
When Mel called everyone to prayer, the chickens and ducks fell into position with the sheep falling in behind them. The pigs scattered about the sanctuary, and fell prostrate on the straw, many of them falling asleep where they lay.
Well, at least those little piggies arent a herd, Julius said.
Blaise and Beatrice watched quietly from the safety of their stalls, as did Stanley, chewing his cud. The sheep pressed their muzzles into each other, and from side to side, front to rear, they fanned out behind the chickens and ducks in the sanctuary. As Mel led the congregation in prayer, the Luzein and Border Leicester folded their front legs and kneeled, but their hind legs remained upright as they prayed to God for deliverance from evil.
Know what Im thinking? Julius said to Ezekiel and Dave.
Bedtime? Ezekiel said.
Shepherds pie, Julius said as the sheeps little white tails wagged happily. I dont know why. Its been such a long time since Ive been blessed with Shepherds pie. Have you ever had Shepherds pie?
Weve had mince pie, Dave said.
Yes, Ezekiel said, and plum pudding.
Mm, the corn, the mashed potatoes, were my favorites, mashed potatoes you can suck thru a straw. Sometimes peas and carrots were added, and those little pearl onions. I was never fond of lamb or ground cow, though. I have friends.
May the Lord be with you, Mel concluded.
And with you, responded the domesticated animals.
All the little lambs and piglets, the ducklings and chicks, gathered at Mels feet. They wanted to hear the story of how they came to be where they were in the world. In the Beginning man stood upright in the Garden of Eden. He awoke to find himself in a mound of dung and sprang forth to greet the day. His name was Adam. As time went on, he grew increasingly bored, lonely in paradise. He asked God to send him a friend, a companion, someone he could play with. Thus, God, being the generous benevolent loving Father of all creatures, great and small, cut from Adams rib cage, a woman whose name was Eve. Once upon her feet, mud and dung were applied to Adams open wound to stop the bleeding. Since Adam was older, the first-born, and weighed more, he ruled all of Eden. Adam was a good man, a wise man, the father of us all who one day when asked by God, named each one of us as we were prodded and paraded by.
Wow, thats amazing! The zebra?
Yes, the zebra.
And the beetle too?
Well, the beetle is an insect, but yes.
What about the weasel?
You must be referring to the parrot, Mel said, but no one laughed.
And the Australian dingo? snorted one of the younger pigs.
Mel knew this was malicious intent. He would remember this porker.
And the sheep? said a Border Leicester.