And the sheep? said a Border Leicester.
And he named the sheep too? said her friend from Switzerland, a Luzein, and something of a rare breed.
Yes, Mel said with what was as close to a smile as he could make, considering he was a mule. And Adam named the sheep too. Mel knew this was good, with all good intentions for these were sheep.
They were of different breeds, though, the two dominant breeds on the moshav were the Luzein and the Border Leicester. The Border Leicester had a smooth hairless pink head with erect ears and a long roman nose with long, curly lustrous wool that was a much sought-after commodity used mostly for hand-spinning and other crafts. Although the Border Leicester were a long-wool breed with a long heavy fleece, the flock fared well in the arid environment and surrounding rugged terraced landscape. Although similar in size, the Luzein, named after the small town where the breed originated in Switzerland, their ears although pointed, dangled on either side of the long head. The Luzein stood high on their legs and were very vivacious. They, too, had fine features with a long un-fleeced head and fleece-free belly. Luzein were well regarded for their strong maternal instinct, an important mothering quality in nurturing and protecting their offspring.
Mel continued the story of mans fall from grace when he was tempted by the sorceress Eve who fed him the apple from the Tree of Knowledge, which they were not allowed to know about. But God knew, knowing that she was a female, that she would not take no for an answer. Thus, she led Adam, and they ate the delicious apples from the tree of Knowledge. God called to them and made them answer for their indiscretions by banning them forever from the garden.
At that moment they were made to hide their shame in animal skins and no longer solely able to live from the fruits and nuts and plants. Now they were made to kill or be killed and feed on the flesh of animals.
Oh, how terrible, the animals cried and hid their heads.
This is the wisdom of God for he is wise, Mel said. This has led animal-kind of all kinds to flourish and live among humankind across the face of the earth. Where humans are, so we are. Our relationship to man and how it has come to pass that man feeds us and feeds on us is that which makes the world go round. It is Gods plan, and we are in his hands.
Why? asked a little whippersnapper, a piglet.
The earths flat and thats that! gaggled the geese.
It was to see if man could be trusted and kept from temptation, but he failed. Thus, man and woman were cast out of paradise and made to bleed and feel pain and hunger, and from that day to this one, ever since to hunt and eat animal flesh.
The younger animals ran and hid as the chickens flew to the rafters.
Oh, but we thank man for his fall from grace for it has allowed us to flourish and multiply and to be cared for and kept safe and nourished by man made in Gods image. So ends the word of God. Go forth now and multiply for it is your duty to serve God and man.
If he doesnt sound like someones parrot, I dont know who does? Julius said to the ravens, but they did not answer. They were asleep.
By the time the service was over, both Blaise and Beatrice were asleep on their feet with Beatrice snoring ever so lightly. In a nearby pen, Molly, and her friend Praline, both leaders of their respective flocks, and not prone to such religious fervor, were also asleep, curled up warmly together in their part of the barn, where, once the euphoria wore off to allow them to sleep, the other sheep would eventually find their way. Praline was curious about most things around her. At certain moments like this, when she was in attendance, she often had questions, but would always think otherwise and not ask. If Adam named the sheep, did he not also name every breed for which she knew of at least four, including the Boer and Angora goats on the farm? The question was a simple one and she assumed the answer was just as simple. Did Adam name all the different breeds of animals? Someday she knew she would know the answer. Someday she knew she would ask the question.
Joseph, the elderly barn boar, 12-years-old, and 900 pounds, lay prostrate in one corner of the sanctuary with a small group of young piglets. And 100 little angel-piglets fly around and land on the head of a pin.
What? said one of the piglets, 100 balls of shit? Did he say you could roll up 100 balls of shit? What are you talking about, you crazy old boar?
Angels, my dear boy, angels, breathed the elder. Little angel-piglets fly around the head of a pin as hundreds, even thousands, alight on the head of the pin. This is heaven.
No, this is crazy, said another young pig. You are a crazy old boar. He and his friends laughed and shuffled away. Mels ears twitched. He did not appreciate the tone the young pigs had taken with Joseph, the elder.
The next day there were Fourteen Pillars of Wisdom, with the following scrawled in chalk across the bottom of the wooden planks,
14: Honor thy elders for they have struggled long and hard to survive the dinner plate into old age.
6
Dueling Banjos
Boris was something of a novelty, a curiosity, and anywhere Boris went the other animals were sure to follow. One day they followed him out to the feedlot behind the barn where Bruce stood, leaning against a fence post near the water tank.
Howard the Baptist stood in the shade of the fig tree beside the pond and warned the animals to be vigilant against the possibility of marauders in the night.
Ignore the blasphemer, Mel said from the sanctuary of the barn. He is the heretic of the great heresy. Follow him and you shall surely follow him straight to hell.
The yellow chicken came running from the barn flapping her yellow feathers. She ran into the barnyard crying, The end is near! The end is near! Better have your houses in order. Good day, rabbi, she sang past Boris at the compost pile on the other side of the fence. She would soon be followed by a mass exodus from the barn.
It was the Sabbath, and no Jews were to be seen, not even the moshavnik Perelman. Juan and Isabella Perelman didnt always observe the Sabbath, but instead usually traveled or at least never came out to work on the farm. The laborers usually took advantage of the peace and tranquility of the Sabbath, but they knew regardless of the occasion, when there was work to be done, it was left to them to do it. Today was no exception. Rambunctious as always, a dozen ten-month-old porkers were separated, held in a pen with a loading ramp next to the barn. More anxious and nervous than usual, considering it was the Sabbath, the porkers rutted under the fence, squealing all the while that something was terribly wrong, that something awful was about to happen, but what or when they didnt know. The laborers were not to be seen either and this, too, frightened the corralled pigs, and all the farm animals for that matter. Afraid, they flocked to Boris, the Berkshire boar, and Messiah.
When Boris saw the multitudes come rushing toward him, he sat down next to the compost pile and knew where his next meal was coming from. They gathered around him in a semi-circle. Separated as he was from the masses by a lot fence, the masses could not kiss his pig feet. Instead, they cried, Oh, dear Lord! What does it all mean, Rabbi? Teach us!
As the others gathered around, the piglets, and there were many, with three recent litters joining the general pig population, because pigs every three months, three weeks, and three days produced new offspring, fell at the great boars even-knuckled feet. Next were the little kids, the Angora and Boer goats, falling in behind. Many of the newborn little lambs were either with their mothers while they grazed along the slopes in the shade of the olive trees or in the barn where most of the fowl spent the afternoons away from the pigs and other animals of the farm. Except for Stanley. He was in the barn eating grain from the trough in his stall.
Boris opened his mouth to teach, and this was what the wise one taught, Blessed are the farm animals, high and low, great and small, for they are poor, and the poor shall be rewarded in heaven. Sally, the Sow, appeared from the throngs of animals with her broad of new piglets under hoof from her most recent litter to speak to her son, Boris, the runt of her seventh litter.
You, my son, have done well to survive and thrive. For this, I am grateful. At first, I did not want you to be taken away, so far away as that, and in that direction.
I am the son of He who you do not see or know but that I do. She is merely a sow, he said to the gathered animals. I am the son of heaven. Be gone, sow, and litter no more.
Ezekiel and Dave alighted in the branches of the fig tree that shaded Howard near the pond. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted, for in paradise, which art in heaven, no animals flesh is ever cut from the bone for the nourishment of heavenly creatures.
Cheers went up among all the animals and they were happy.
Not so the Muslims, who perched on the ridge of the village overlooking the Israeli farm and the animals below. For this is Gods gift to those who suffer for righteousness, Boris said. Remember, no one eats in heaven; thus, no one defecates.
Rabbi, must we wait for heaven before we are rewarded?
It is not for us to question the way of the Lord, reproached another.
And until that time that the poor shall enter the kingdom of heaven, they shall first inherit the earth.
Nor do they, say you, Rabbi, fornicate? I mean, procreate in heaven?
There is no sin of the flesh in heaven. In the kingdom of heaven, we live in peace, the lamb alongside the lion, the goat beside the wolf.
What? said Billy St Cyr, the Angora goat, who was due for a shearing soon, especially now, the height of summer.
And the bird shall nestle with the alligator.
The animals ran to Howard the Baptist.
Well, there you have it, Dave said. I guess were blessed because he mentioned animals of the wild.
Do you want to lie down next to the crocodile?
No, thank you. I dont want to cuddle with a snake either, Dave said.
No, thank you, Boris, Ezekiel said. I dont want to lie down with the boar either, lest he snore.
Rumor has it he does, as per Blaise.
Howard said, This is nothing. Nothing but evil, owned and operated by Satan, and our lives on this evil plane should come to an end as fast as possible, so that we may enter Gods world. Gods world is the true world and the domain of our Creator God. All else belongs to Satan, including the barn in which so many of you worship.
Boris said, As surely as you walk on four legs, I am the way. In my fathers house, there are many pigsties. Through me, you shall enter heaven, for I am the way, the light, the truth.
The Baptist said, A truth.
Boris said, The Truth.
The Baptist said, Semantics.
Boris said, The only truth youll ever need. Just as the rivers bleed in the spring, I am the calm in the storm, the beacon to light your way through the darkness of this world.
You mean bacon, dont you? said a sow and smiled.
Boris ignored her.
At the pond, Howard the Baptist poured water over the snout of a sow. He said to those in attendance, You are animals. You are innocent. You do not need a barn to worship in. You carry the true religion within you. It is not in this world or place or within the walls of the barn. The only structure worthy to house the knowledge of the true religion is yourself, for it is found within you. The truth is your buttress against this other nonsense and the evils of this world that enslave us for the slaughter and nourishment of the slave master. The true religion is in your heart. It prepares you to enter through me, your Prefect, into the realm of heaven that which was made by our one true God for us, the good. Howard the Perfect of the one true religion then recited the Lords Prayer. When he said, Thank you Lord for our daily bread, the pigs, omnivores every one, darted, and started a stampede back to Boris, their one true Messiah, as per Mel, their spiritual leader on earth or this farm, and away from Howard the heretic, as per Mel. Mel, standing in the shadows of the awning of the barn, was pleased.
The pure of heart waddles in mud, Mel said to his two henchmen, the Rottweilers Spotter and Trooper. They watched from the floor of the barn as Howard continued to baptize piglets, goats, and certain fowl in mud and water from the pond. Stubborn pigs, Mel said. They are delusional. They think theyre doing Gods bidding. Take your pick, two idiots talking a good game. Fools both of them, but one talks my game while the other is of no consequence. We can stand to use a pet pig.
Mels pet pig continued his teaching, Blessed are the gentle lamb and the kid, the daughter and the son of the sheep and the goat, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after truth and righteousness, for they shall be filled with righteousness and truth. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy and be plentiful in heaven. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God upon entering the kingdom of paradise, which art in heaven.
Blessed are those who are shepherded by righteous man, the Christian, for they are truly the true children of God, and shall be called as such, and their shepherds Godly. Blessed are those who are persecuted, marked for slaughter for righteousnesss sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. For righteousnesss sake allow yourselves to be ingested, digested, and well-rested, for eternal life in heaven is given to you who is risen through the digestive tract of righteous man, the Christian. For as the good shepherd leaves this earth upon death and enters life eternal in heaven, you, too, shall enter heaven through the righteous Christians bowel.
They ran for Howard.
Beware of all others, Boris called after them. The Jews, the Muslims, the false prophets, for you cannot enter paradise through the bowel of the infidel.
Oh, my God, are you kidding me? said Dave, aloft in the rafters.
No, exclaimed Ezekiel. Hes shitting you!
Howard warned the animals gathered at the pond that the Muslim holiday Ramadan was upon them and that if they wanted to survive to the Jewish High Holidays, they should take heed and prepare for a possible raid coming from the desert in the foreseeable future. Look how they salivate over our kids and little lambs. Egyptians perched along the edge of the village that overlooked the Israeli moshav, all the while watching the farm animals graze in the fields below. Howard continued his sermon, preaching that they should stop procreating. It was a sin against nature. As the animal population dwindled, he reasoned, the humans would no longer procure or process them out for meat, and therefore would leave them alone as they faded from the earth, which was created by Satan anyway.
The animals ran for the sanctuary to seek forgiveness and reassurance from Mel.
Ignore the heretic. He is the heretic of the great heresy, he assured them. Disregard everything that comes from his jaws. Follow Boris, your true Messiah.
Blessed are the Christians for it is through their kindness that we, too, shall enter into heaven, Boris continued his sermon next to the compost pile.