3
One day after school, Sunny came up to me. His cheeks were red, his eyes glistened, and his pupils were wildly dilated.
Come with me, he whispered. His voice was hoarse.
Where to? For some reason, I also spoke in a whisper.
A dude is having a party. He moved very close to me. I want you to meet my friends.
Friends? I said as I tried to step back from him. I didnt like my personal space violated, even by him.
You dont know them, he replied as he moved closer, but they are awesome.
I took another step back and felt the wall behind me. There was no escape. Sunny was waiting for an answer. His breath was heavy and hot, almost like he had a fever. I didnt want to go with him, but I reluctantly agreed.
He took me to the other side of the town. He knew the area well and had no trouble finding his way along the streets lined with dozens of identical apartment buildings. We went into one of them and took the lift to the fifth floor. The corridors were bright and clean, with potted flowers on windowsills. This was not how Id pictured a drug dealers hang-out to look. Sunny knocked on one of the doors. A moment later we heard hurried footsteps, and as the lock clicked, a guy appeared in the doorway. He was wearing jeans with a half-buttoned shirt, and his hair was a mess. In short, he looked like a completely ordinary teenager.
Hey, duuude, drawled the guy, smiling from ear to ear and patting Sunny on the shoulder.
This is Walter, Sunny said to introduce me.
The guy nodded and closed the door. Meanwhile, Sunny took off his jacket and walked into the living room. I hesitated a bit in the hallway. I looked at my reflection in the huge mirror that hung on the wall. I was regretting my decision to come here, and it was written on my face. My pupils we almost like Sunnys, except I was not stoned.
The apartment clearly belonged to rich people. In the beautiful, expensively furnished living room were several teenagers. Two more guys and three girls. They were about my age and well-dressed. These were the sort of teens that would usually be referred to as gilded youth; children of rich parents who have everything but have no idea how to entertain themselves. Oh, Sunny, how did you get here? We did not belong in this circle. We werent bought expensive cars and apartments in the city for our birthdays.
They were happy to see Sunny. The girls immediately fell around his neck. I felt a twinge of jealousy. After Sunny finished his welcome hugs and kisses, he remembered that I was still standing beside him. He began to introduce me, but I didnt even try to remember their names. I already hated them. I envied them. I could barely save enough money to buy a motorbike, and they had everything. Of course, Sunny wouldnt turn down the opportunity to be part of this society. Was it good for him? No. On the other hand, I wasnt much of a friend either, if he preferred this company to mine.
They were drinking cocktails, smoking, laughing, discussing recent parties, and planning holidays amongst other stuff. I just sat there and watched. I had nothing to say to them, even if I wanted to. I saw them getting drunk and I felt disgusted. I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes. I was dizzy from the cigarette smoke.
I must have dozed off, as I was brought back to consciousness by a scream. The scream came from one of the girls. She was writhing in hysterics and one of the guys was holding her and trying to shut her mouth. She was pointing at the other girl who was slowly slipping off the couch until she was standing with one knee on the floor and was holding on to the coffee table. She was incredibly pale and seemed to be suffocating. Sunny was gently supporting her. He slowly and carefully laid the girl on the floor. She was shivering, but I wasnt certain if she was still conscious. She stared in front of her, but seemed to see nothing. Another guy felt her pulse. I rushed to them, but the third guy pushed me aside. He had some kind of syringe in his hand. Sunny rose to his feet, gave way to the guy and grabbed me by the elbow. He was pulling me to the door.
Come, we should leave, he said. They know what to do. Come. Nobody should see us here.
Sunny slipped my jacket over my shoulders and practically pushed me out of the door. I was trying to resist and couldnt take my eyes off what was happening in the living room. Everyone was crowded around the girl, and as I glanced back, I saw a pale hand on the green carpet. It appeared to be completely lifeless.
4
The next day, Sunny didnt show up at school, so I decided to leave before the end of my classes and go to his house. Sunny opened the door almost immediately. He looked ill and exhausted, barefoot, shirtless, and was wearing old sweat pants. He looked around, as if to check that I hadnt been followed, then let me in. Without a word, he walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. I took off my jacket and went after him. Sunny picked up the remote control and began to channel surf. He seemed scared, concerned, perhaps even desperate. He was tapping his fingers on the back of the couch and biting his lower lip.
Are you alone? I asked. He nodded nervously, still staring at the TV screen. I stood between him and the TV. He leaned to the side to see what was happening on the screen. It was more of a mechanical move than a sign of real interest.
What happened to her? I asked. He slowly raised his head, looked at me and bit his lip as if pondering what to say.
Shes in intensive care, he said finally.
Will she survive? I asked.
Gosh, I dont know, Walter! He threw the TV remote and rose from the couch. If they find out that we were there, well have a big problem. He began to pace the room.
Youre worried about us? I asked after a short pause.
Of course! he replied, his voice full of despair. And youre not?
That girl almost died right in front of your eyes, and your biggest concern is that someone might find out we were there? I was frustrated. I still couldnt shake the image of her motionless hand from my mind.
To hell with her, shes a stupid uh, Sunny waved his hand.
Whats wrong with you? I went up to him, grabbed him by the shoulders and began to shake. Who are you, and where is Sunny? Huh?
He pushed me away and sat on the edge of the coffee table.
What can I do? How can I help her? Everyone seemed to be out for themselves, and only thinking about saving their own skin.
Why the hell do you need all of this? I asked.
This? he questioned.
This! I threw up my hands, drunken parties, drugs
Dude, its cool!
Whats cool? I saw that girl. Oh, she was cool alright, deathly cool. Why on earth did you want me to come with you yesterday?
I wanted to show you real life.
Real life? Cmon, you call this a life? I was shocked. What had happened to him over the last six months?
Its cool, its fun, its exciting! He got up and came up to me. Its much more interesting than sitting at home every evening with stupid comics.
Theyre not stupid, I said through clenched teeth.
And why the hell do you draw those stupid pictures? He came too close.
Because I like to, I answered.
And I do what I like. he said as he walked away from me.
But I doubt that I will end up like that girl with my stupid pictures, I said under my breath.
Dude, its cool!
Whats cool? I saw that girl. Oh, she was cool alright, deathly cool. Why on earth did you want me to come with you yesterday?
I wanted to show you real life.
Real life? Cmon, you call this a life? I was shocked. What had happened to him over the last six months?
Its cool, its fun, its exciting! He got up and came up to me. Its much more interesting than sitting at home every evening with stupid comics.
Theyre not stupid, I said through clenched teeth.
And why the hell do you draw those stupid pictures? He came too close.
Because I like to, I answered.
And I do what I like. he said as he walked away from me.
But I doubt that I will end up like that girl with my stupid pictures, I said under my breath.
And I dont care, he shouted back. I dont care what happens to me. But at least I have experienced life!
Life, yeah, I laughed sarcastically.
Yeah, life. I take everything I want, and you cant even come close to Annie. Youre a loser! He spat out his words.
Take a look at yourself.
I grabbed my jacket and went out onto the porch. I was trying to fasten my zip, but couldnt manage it. I was beside myself with anger and resentment. What happened to him? We were the best of friends. We had always understood each other without even needing to speak, so what now? The gulf between us was growing wider and wider. Damn! I pulled the zip again and pressed my fist to my mouth. I wanted to scream, but then I felt Sunnys hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw him standing barefoot on the cold porch and looking at me.
Im sorry, he said quietly.
We went back into the house.
I cant control myself, he explained as he sat on the couch with his elbows resting on his knees. I lose my temper and hurt people who are close to me, but I dont want to. Damn!
Im not angry with you, I said. I just want to be a part of your life, whatever that is. I was standing in front of him with my hands in my jacket pockets. You are my only friend.
Youre mine too. he replied.
5
At the end of winter, Sunny told me about her. We had lunch in the school canteen. Neither of us had an appetite, but for different reasons.
Check out that girl, Sunny said to me as he nodded off to the side, but when I looked, I actually saw several girls. They were from senior class and were having fun discussing something.
Which one? I asked.
That one with the long hair and the green dress.
I dont see her. I looked harder.
Cmon, her hair is, uh, pure copper. Look! Shes smiling at us.
He smiled back at someone, but I didnt see anybody. The girl he described was not there. Look, isnt she a beauty? Sunny was still smiling. Such a kitty.
Kitty? I looked around, trying to find the girl he was talking about.
Yeah, she looks like a kitty. So pretty, and her eyes are so green.
Sunny, there is no such girl there! I was getting embarrassed, as he was clearly hallucinating.
There she is! Oh, shes walking away. He jumped to his feet, probably planning to rush to her, but I held him back. She started at school at the beginning of the year. I often see her during breaks. When I see her next time, I will definitely introduce you to her.
But there was no next time. It happened at the beginning of March. The snow had already melted, but the puddles had not dried yet, even though the sun was as warm as late spring. After school, we walked home. Sunny was very excited, chatting non-stop, tugging at my sleeve every second and pointing at everything. Dogs, cars, people almost everything fascinated him. He was as happy as a little kid and was eager to share his excitement with me. I just nodded absently and said, yes, yes, yes. I was thinking about Annie. This morning I managed to exchange a few words with her, and it felt like the greatest achievement of my life.
And then I saw her just a few feet away in front of us. The girl that Sunny was always talking about. She really did have beautiful long hair with a copper tint. She looked straight at me and smiled. I slowed down without taking my eyes of her and waved my hand. I wanted to nudge Sunny, but he wasnt there. I stopped, still holding out my hand and looking at the girl whose smile had become more sinister. Before I had a chance to call out for Sunny, I heard a loud car beep, then squeal of brakes and a scream.
It took a while for me to realise that the scream was mine.
Sunny was lying in the middle of the road, just a few feet away from the car that hit him. I rushed over to Sunny, but everything was happening in slow motion. It was as if I was not me, as if I was watching it happening to someone else. I ran up and shook his shoulder, unable to ascertain whether he was conscious or not. His eyes were open, but he wasnt blinking. It seemed like he wasnt even breathing. A crowd gathered. They spoke about something. Someone tried to lift me up, but I broke away as I wanted to help Sunny. Someone grabbed me and lead me somewhere. What was going on? I couldnt understand.
Then there was darkness.
I was woken by my own voice.
Sunny.
I leapt up, and I was in my bedroom. The clock read 1.30am. It was dark outside, and it seemed to be raining. I needed to find out if the accident had really happened or whether it was just a bad dream. Please let it be a dream. Repeating these words, I took my mobile phone and dialled Sunnys number. The operator informed me that the person I was trying to call was not available. I went into my sleeping parents bedroom.
Mum, I touched my mothers shoulder. She shrugged but didnt wake. MOTHER. I shook her more aggressively. She woke up and looked at me. In the darkness, I saw her eyes widen.
Walter, she said in a whisper, and I saw that she was scared.
Mum, what happened? I knelt beside the bed.
Walter she started to say, but her words broke off.
What is it, Mum?
Walter, Sunny is gone, she said under her breath, but it seemed to me like she was screaming. Her words pierced my brain like a bullet. Sunny is gone? No, I refused to believe it.
I wondered when this nightmare would finally be over. I thought I would wake up, and everything would be fine again. Those early days passed in a blur. I barely remember his funeral. I remember there were many people, and it was a beautiful sunny morning. It was as if there had not been that terrible injustice. I remember his face. Quiet, peaceful, almost childlike. 15 years old. Only 15! He had such a short life, but so many plans.
I woke up from that blur in April. I remember I was sat drawing on a bench in the orchard and suddenly the realisation hit me. He was really gone. At that moment, I felt desperate. The despair was so deep and intense, that it was as if I hit the bottom of a deep, deep pit with no way of getting out. Darkness surrounded me, and I was enveloped in it. I felt my heart trying to fight back from the searing pain and I wanted to scream, but I couldnt. I wanted to hide in a secluded corner and disappear, as if I had never existed. What was my place in the world now? Who needed me? A feeling of helplessness engulfed me. I couldnt change anything, fix it, or turn back the clock. My world faded without him. I would never see him again. I would never hear his voice or his laughter. We would never again walk together after school, and he would never tell me about his grand plans again. I wanted to howl and climb the walls. I stopped eating and sleeping. If I fell asleep, I dreamed the same dream about the garden covered with white snow and Sunny on his knees with his back to me. I came up to him, but he was cold and still. I woke up screaming.