6
One night I was drawing in my room by the lamp light. I was trying to draw my beautiful Amazon in the heat of a battle with a terrifying monster, but nothing would come. I wasted dozens of sheets of paper and tore the last one up. I got furious. The door opened, and my mother entered the room. I pretended I hadnt seen her, took a new sheet of paper and scribbled on it. Mother sat on the edge of the bed. She was looking at me without saying a word. I scribbled some more, and it became an outline of a face.
Walter, mother said quietly.
I didnt respond and kept on sketching until Id drawn a stiff upper lip and nose.
I know its hard, she said. Well, yes it was. But in our family, we didnt communicate with each other. We all lived our own lives, and I was perfectly fine with that. Why break the tradition? I carefully drew one eye, then the other. My mother was still talking, trying to encourage me to open my soul, telling me she understands me and wants to help me, and that she is ready to listen to my problems. No way!
I added the eyelashes, then after some thought I lengthened them. They were never interested in my problems before, and now all of a sudden, theyve become important.
I know a very good doctor.
Stop. Doctor? I was going to finish off the curls, but at the mention of a doctor my pencil hovered in the air, and I paused to listen.
Albert is a very good doctor. Hes worked with adolescents for almost 20 years. Hes a psychologist and the kids love him.
Albert. A psychologist. Kids It was nonsense. I didnt need a doctor. I continued to draw; a neck, shoulders, hand, sword in hand. Or should that be a spear?
Walter, Ive made an appointment for next Monday.
I opted for spear, then started to make changes to the hand. Mother sat for a while looking at me. Then she nodded either to me or to herself and left the room.
On Monday, we went to see Albert. He was one of those experts who was adored by parents who believed he would help their children. However, the children did not like Albert, and neither did the teenagers. I was lying on the couch in his office while he sat next to me in his leather chair making notes in a large notebook. I dont know why people think that lying on a couch helps you open your heart to an unsympathetic stranger. I was lying there examining the picture on the opposite wall. It depicted a summer meadow and a little girl playing with a big sheep dog.
Walter, he said. You are going through a difficult period, but it will end soon.
Are you sure? I thought.
If you shrink into yourself, it will be more difficult for you to move on. Open up to me, share your feelings, and together we will decide what to do next. We all knew Robert, he was a good friend to many, and your loss is our loss.
Robert. No-one called him Robert. Our loss? Who the hell are you to talk about him? Thoughts raced through my head, but I was silent.
Death doesnt only choose the sick and old.
Oh, really.
Sometimes it takes the young and healthy, but God works in mysterious ways.
Cmon, and God is here, right.
We have to believe that he is in heaven, and hes ok.
Are you a psychologist or a priest?
Hes gone, but we continue to live, and we must not give way to grief.
You try that.
We must find the strength to move on
Blah, blah, blah. He talked a lot. He tried to appeal to my feelings, then to my mind, and then just resorted to asking questions that I only answered yes or no to. Later I heard him telling my mother that he was able to get talking teenagers who were far more troubled than me, and advised her to talk to me more about what was going on.
It made little sense, and the annoying questions angered me even more. I continued to go to the therapy sessions, but still refused to open up to Albert. I didnt want to talk to anybody. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I knew that they sympathised and were only trying to help. I knew that Sunny was gone, and I had to find a way to carry on. I knew that someday Id probably adjust. I couldnt share my feelings with my mother, who had suddenly remembered that I existed. Moreover, I had nothing to share with Albert, who really didnt understand troubled teenagers like me. So, gradually the hideous monsters, who fought my beautiful Amazon, started taking the form of Albert and my parents.
7
In early May, one of my classmates, Alex, had a birthday party.
I did actually have normal relationships with my classmates. I wasnt an outcast or a nerd, and I wasnt an object of jokes or bullying. We just kept a respectful distance, which was a conscious choice Id made. I never really strived to be a part of their company. It was enough for me to communicate with one person only Sunny. But now, without him, my world became too empty. There were times when I didnt talk to anybody for days, but now I desperately wanted to communicate. So desperately, that I went to that party.
Alex had a big, beautiful house just a few blocks from my parents, but our house was nothing compared to his. The doors were wide open when I arrived, and I heard the music and laughter. At first, nobody noticed as I walked in and hesitated in the doorway. But soon all eyes were on me. Some people were surprised, some absolutely indifferent, and some even looked at me with sympathy. Sunnys death was a shock for everyone, though not as great as it was for me. Two girls ran up to me and began offering me beer and vodka cocktails.
I dont remember what I chose, but I was drunk pretty quickly. I sat slumped in a chair and stared blankly at the girls dancing in front of me. In one hand I held a cigarette, and in the other a glass of something alcoholic. I felt weird. My head was spinning. I inhaled, and the room disappeared in the fog. Suddenly I found myself on the steps of a ruined gothic church. Big snowflakes were falling from the night sky. My lonely footprints were lost somewhere in dark thicket of old trees.
Walter, someone whispered in my ear. I turned around, but saw no-one. Walte-er. The vision became fuzzy, and I was back in the room. A smiling girl was sitting on my lap.
Hey, where were you? She asked. I looked at her and said nothing. She reminded me of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland when he disappeared and only his smile was left. Thats all I saw now, a smile but no girl.
Welcome back to the real world, she said as she tapped me on the cheeks.
But I would argue that the vision of the gothic church was much more real.
The next time I came around, I was in the midst of a Latino dance with another girl. Everybody crowded around us applauding. Enthusiastic cheers and whistles rang from all sides. It looked like I was taking the lead, even though I had no idea how to Latino dance. It was actually quite funny.
But then I saw Anna. She was standing at the other end of the room and was looking right at me. Her face reflected a mixture of astonishment, bewilderment and resentment. Our eyes met, then she turned and left the room. I stopped right in the middle of the next step and ran after her, trying to keep my balance.
I have never been as drunk as I was that night. I went out into the street. The smell of blooming chestnut trees hit me. I looked around and saw her. Anna was walking away, wrapped in a jumper, as if she was cold. I went after her, but my legs wouldnt obey my brain, and I kept bumping into lamp posts and trees which seemed to come from nowhere. But I didnt care, as the girl of my dreams was just a few steps away.
I have never been as drunk as I was that night. I went out into the street. The smell of blooming chestnut trees hit me. I looked around and saw her. Anna was walking away, wrapped in a jumper, as if she was cold. I went after her, but my legs wouldnt obey my brain, and I kept bumping into lamp posts and trees which seemed to come from nowhere. But I didnt care, as the girl of my dreams was just a few steps away.
Who do we have here? I caught up with her and tried to put my arm around her waist.
Anna removed my arm, so I lost my balance and fell. She sighed and helped me up. Yes, thats what I am, a pig, I said, trying to walk by her side. I guess I had too much tonight. Why dont you talk to me?
There was no answer, so I went on.
Look! The whole world is having fun today!
And the world really was having fun. Moths were swarming in the lantern light, like the little elves that Sunny and I searched for as children. Stars danced in the sky to the sound of chirping crickets. Staring at the stars, I stumbled and almost fell again, but managed to grab hold of a lamp post. While I was embracing the post, I began to sing a childrens song. I would definitely have danced if I wasnt so unsteady. Anna stopped and looked at me wearily.
Come on, she said as she took me by the hand.
Oh, it was the happiest moment of my life. We walked hand in hand, like a couple of sweethearts. Well, at least thats how it seemed to me, even if it was a different experience for Anna. She said nothing, but I think she was smiling. I didnt notice how we got to my house, but turned out she knew where I lived.
Its the first time Ive walked a guy home. Annie smiled at me and tried to free her hand, but I didnt let go. I have to go she said gently but firmly.
I dont want you to go, I whispered and leaned over to kiss her, but she turned away, and my lips barely touched her cheek. Her skin was as soft as peach and smelled like chocolate orange. I dont think Ill ever forget that moment.
She gently pulled away from me and said, Goodnight, Walter. I nodded. She turned and slowly walked away. I wish I hadnt let her go, so she could have stayed with me forever. But I just watched her until she was completely out of sight.
8
The next morning, I felt terrible. And not only physically. I was tormented by my hangover and the vague sense of shame over how I behaved the night before. I was particularly distressed by the fact that most of the night had vanished from my memory. But I remembered Anna very well, and that wonderful romantic moment between us did not seem so romantic anymore. I reproached myself all day, and by the evening I came to the only decision that felt right under the circumstances. I would run! The devil had possessed me and was making me do it. I put some essential items in my backpack, then I took the money from my piggy bank. For almost two years, Sunny and I had been saving for motorbikes. We didnt manage to save that much, but it was enough to keep me going for a couple of weeks at least.
Once my parents were sound asleep, I left the house. I didnt have a particular plan. I just walked to the station and jumped into the first train to Munich. There werent many people onboard, but I didnt sit down. I remained at the exit doors for almost three hours, leaning against the window and looking into the darkness. My heart was joyful and anxious at the same time. Adventures! I was ready for them and couldnt wait for them to begin.
By dawn, I was in Munich. I walked out of the main station, and was immediately met by a city of glass and metal. It had been raining overnight, and the streets were fresh. Raindrops glistened on the windows in the rays of the rising sun. The streets were quiet, almost deserted. Only the roar of the garbage truck echoed from the walls. I was standing and looking around, gradually figuring out what to do next. I decided to surrender to fate and go wherever it took me. I was going to see the country and maybe even beyond to Europe. I planned to stay in different cities, large and small. I was going to find a place that filled my heart and soul, and I would stay there. Id find a job and start a new life as an adult.
I hitch-hiked my way along. I walked for dozens of miles, slept in train stations and ate at roadside diners. I was stopped by police a couple of times, but I managed to convince them that I was going to Nuremberg or Dresden to my beloved grandmother. Once, I almost ran into a gang of skinheads. I ran away very fast.
At the end of my fifth day of travelling, I was somewhere between Austria, Germany and the Czech Republic. Hooray to the united Europe! I was walking along a country road that ran through vineyards. The sun was setting, and I was thinking of a shelter for the night. When I noticed a building on a hill in the distance. It was small, one story, and painted burgundy. I walked closer and saw there was a man in the yard. He stood with his back to me, cutting his roses.
Good evening I said to him in German.
Good evening he replied as he turned and looked at me.
I think he may have smiled, but Im still not sure. The man was not very tall, well-built, and about 50 years old. His short dark hair was greying, and he had piercing blue husky-dog eyes.
Could you tell me, please, if theres anywhere nearby I could stay for the night?
The closest motel is 40 miles from here, replied the man, waving his hand to the side. Youll get there by the morning, he grinned. His *Hoch Deutsch [*standardised German] was flawless. You can spend the night here. The man nodded towards the house.
I agreed without hesitation. I slept like a log and didnt have any dreams. The bed and the pillow felt like the greatest inventions of mankind.
I woke up early to drizzling rain pounding outside. The small room hed offered me was dark and cool. In the corner, an old clock was loudly ticking away. It was 5.30am. The owner of the house was walking around. I could hear the creaking of floorboards. I stretched and was about to get up when I saw a dog and startled. A large black Labrador was sitting in the middle of the room and was staring at me.
Alicia called the voice of the man, and the dog jumped up and ran out of the room.
I got dressed and followed her through the living room and into the kitchen, which emitted the wonderful aroma of fresh coffee. The man was conjuring something up at the stove. Alicia, the unusually named dog, was sitting next to him, apparently waiting for breakfast.
Without turning around, the man said, Sit down.
I was confused, did he have eyes in the back of his head or something? I hadnt even had a chance to say good morning to him, but he already knew I was there.
Sit down he repeated and pointed to the table.
My breakfast was waiting for me. Scrambled eggs, ham and fresh bread, which seemed to be just out of the oven. I sat down and began to eat. The man sat across from me and stared for a while as I was eating. Then he asked,
What are you looking for in this area?
The question surprised and puzzled me, as I didnt even really know what I was looking for myself.
A new life I said uncertainly.
A new life, heh? he laughed. A new life he said again and shook his head, then got up from the table.
Coffee was boiling in a coffee pot on the old gas stove. The man turned off the heat and began to pour liquid into cups.
And what about your old life? he asked.
I failed I answered.
How old are you, boy? he said as he put the cup in front of me.