The desire to bring up «right» comes from the fear to make a mistake and possibly to be ashamed of bringing up somebody «wrong» for society. This isnt because society can really judge us we judge ourselves ahead, choosing to do everything right, according to the ideals (nobody knows who and when created) as the cornerstone of our upbringing. Parents get preoccupied by their own image not to be guilty, not to be a looser. They want to have such a child so that everybody will see what a good mother you are. Then, your sacrifice and tortures wont be in vain, and you will be able to justify your failed life for devoting it to your son: he has become such a «nice» guy meaning that your denial of your private life and your failure to become a «friend,» a «lover,» a «wife,» a «specialist» were not in vain.
Childrens upbringing by mothers concerned with public opinion is perceived by these mothers as something ideally right. They dont take into account the childs potential and personality. The mother considers her child as something made of modelling clay, which can be shaped according to public expectations. Then these public ideals turn to be «dead» and not working, but the child filled with them entering the world becomes inadequate. Have you heard parents saying to their child, «Money is good. Look at businessmen learn from them, open your own business, take a risk and start earning money.» This is never told. On the contrary, parents try to leave their children in the fairy tale, supporting their infantility and capriciousness. Because if children are weak, always cry and cant step aside from their parents, these very parents start having the reason for life: «At least somebody needs us.»
Children, being dependent and feeling parents pressure, cant decide to protest for a long time, cant achieve anything and proclaim their individuality. Not being able to earn their living, to live separate, to be supported by friends, they are left face to face with their parents, grandparents adults, having some rights and plans for their children. In his novel «The man who laughs,» Victor Hugo told about comprachikos (in Spanish «children buyer»), who turned stolen kids into monsters (putting some parts of their bodies into blocks to break body proportions during physical development) and then sold them as entertainment (jesters) for the Royal court. Social upbringing reminds of the comprachikos actions: when we put some parts of childrens personalities into blocks, preventing natural development and somehow castrating them, depriving them of the internal harmony.
Сhildren may even die if they dont have the environment, the ways and chances to fulfill their potential. Children understand it not at the intellectual, but at the natural level, and then they choose «not to live» to die or fall ill. Only in the first year the child receives strong support from parents. First steps, first words, first using of the baby potty everything is encouraged and causes a storm of emotions in adults, thats why after birth children develop so rapidly. Then, when two-year-old children say that they will do everything themselves («Ill cook myself, wash myself, sweep myself»), their development is slowed down by parents.
Children's willingness to take risks, crazyness, activeness and participation in life, the desire to influence, to build, to create frightens inert parents. They begin to forbid, talking about some stupid consequences, which they have never met or seen themselves. Immediately they get scared and start evaluating, «Its bad,» «This is no good,» «You can get sick.» Parents fear that children will not need them and try to intimidate them «You will break it!», «You dont know how», «You will spoil it.» Children insist parents first bribe, and if it doesnt work, start intimidating and punishing. This is how the Fear of Fear and Fear of Pain are formed. They paralyze children and make them passive. In addition, children grow with the feeling that things, food and neighbors all external are more important for parents than the manifestation of their childrens personalities.
«Good children» are «dead children.» Their parents succeeded in killing their individuality, intuition, creativity, joy, spontaneity, initiative and passion. These are scared children, having lost their childhood and the source of life. Children who are «alive» are always «crazy,» they are beyond the limits of our understanding of expedience, appropriateness and rightness and therefore they cant be good they will get in our hair, annoy us and bother with strange ideas and tricks. In fact, children are capable of doing absurd things (from our point of view): they can turn chairs into planes, paper into money and glass into diamonds. We dont understand that, we dont want to understand and immediately forbid, just in case, trying «to make an order in the dark room»: «You cant! Boogeyman will take you up!» «Why?» «Just because» «But what have I done?» «You mustnt! Thats all! When you grow up, you will understand. Now you are too little to protest!»
I remember a woman came to me to consult, and I asked her to write an application for a «good son,» and she was absolutely serious writing that she wanted him to do this and that and to say so
She wasnt an exception I often met parents, who «played» parents, then the «toy» broke down and they went to the psychologist: «Repair him for me. I was bringing him up, but suddenly he broke down and became unsuitable for use, uncontrolled, restless and a stupid parasite.» At the same time the mother was sure that everything was OK with her, it was only with a child that something was wrong. So first of all I consult this mother, and then get down to a child, and if the mother doesnt understand, its useless to treat the child. When you communicate with these mothers, there is a feeling that their only desire is to kill childrens personality as quickly as possible and make them suitable for control, the so-called «handheld robots.» If you want to play turn on the toy, if you lose the desire turn it off. Well, luckily that mother quickly realized that she couldnt get a child with the help of application. This would no longer be a child, but a doll.
I always repeat: learn to live from children. A man came to me: «I dont know what to do troubles are everywhere, nothing can be worth» I ask him: «Dont you have a son?» «Yes, he is a year and a half.» «Tell me about him. How does he wake up?» «He opens his eyes and says: Wow! How does he fall asleep? With a potato chip in his mouth. As soon as he reaches his bed, he falls asleep like a dead man. We all have such a little wise man and a life teacher. Unlike adults, children havent tasted meanness, intrigues, lies, pain, fear, betrayal, corruption these are the only things they do not know about life. If you want to start living look at your child and learn. He can live, but you have forgotten what it means. He doesnt care, and you are within the limits. He lives and plays at full swing, whereas youre dumb and lazy. If you have left your mobile at home it can be now anywhere: in the washing machine or in the toilet bowl. This way our children try to make us conscious, responsible and included in life. Its a perfect training for parents.
Children return us to life, but we beat them, because we dont feel the ability to live we have lost it, because we were beaten, and it seems we will never be able to live like they do. We shall. Learn to live from children until they become dead.1 30 per cent of children are dead up to the age of five, 70 per cent after school and there remains only 12 per cent of alive children after college. Look, how many people are a success after their college or university experience? Where are the rest? We attended the same lectures, studied in the same group and listened to the same professors. Where have they gone? Where will your children go when they grow up? They will be OK if you dont impose your philosophy of the norm upon them and tell them what kind of people they should be, right from their childhood. Then they will stay alive, they will be able to surprise, to take part in life and to become successful.
Children return us to life, but we beat them, because we dont feel the ability to live we have lost it, because we were beaten, and it seems we will never be able to live like they do. We shall. Learn to live from children until they become dead.1 30 per cent of children are dead up to the age of five, 70 per cent after school and there remains only 12 per cent of alive children after college. Look, how many people are a success after their college or university experience? Where are the rest? We attended the same lectures, studied in the same group and listened to the same professors. Where have they gone? Where will your children go when they grow up? They will be OK if you dont impose your philosophy of the norm upon them and tell them what kind of people they should be, right from their childhood. Then they will stay alive, they will be able to surprise, to take part in life and to become successful.
Being a parent means to be present, to realize and clearly see your role and your place next to this miracle that was born, and to create conditions and space for their development and growth. There, inside, in our center we are born with a certain potential, inner strength. And all this potential, this project, the idea of nature we bear are looking for the ways to be implemented, but come across powerful obstacles models and expectations of parents. Parents also felt this potential long ago, but they lost it under the same methods of upbringing they practice now on their children. And instead of starting to live, they remember what they had inside back then, they get afraid and scare their children, Can they do what they want nowadays? Never mind! We were suffering, so they will suffer too. He is too little to want it. This is too much he wants. You havent grown up enough. When you grow up, you will understand. Parents are afraid of the childrens creativity and unpredictability, they are afraid of children who have Their Own Life.
Start living yourself, living the childrens lives get down on your knees and crawl together, look at them, watch them, feel them and join them. Just for a second try to forget about the project of how it should be and start being, living, seeing, feeling and realizing. Not only feeding and getting dressed, but watching to see what my children are doing now, why they are doing it, and why it is important for them. If you spend some time not controlling, evaluating and harping on the same old theme, you will be able to see the process of life cognition, the discovery of the world by these little people. At that time, you just have to be there, supporting.
We become wise parents when we understand whats happening: what is the child doing, what for, what will the consequences be? Then, we say no, not because this is right for someone, but because we start feeling, seeing, realizing, that this is the only thing to do now. If the snake is crawling to the child, you have to push the child away from it with all your strength. The child can be hurt, can be afraid because of suddenness, can cry, but you have to do it. Let other people criticize you for being rude and violent. Let the child take offence and go into hysterics. The main thing is that you know what you are doing.
There is no right, no wrong. There is what is appropriate and what is irrelevant, what is necessary and what is excessive, what is sufficient and what is surplus, what is effective and what is purposeless. Relying on the obviousness of the situation, on here and now, I never think what is right. Inside myself I feel if its worth interfering or not. When I feel it, I dont care about other peoples advice, about how I look like in their eyes. Then, there is no pretense and formal upbringing for the public: I heard the noise, came to the childrens room, shouted, returned to the guests and they told me with respect, How strict you are with them! Good job!
You cant please everyone. There is a nice story about an old man, a child and a donkey. They were walking down the street and the passers-by said, Look! Theyve bought an animal, but they arent using it. So the child got on the donkey and they went further. Again they heard the words of disapproval, Look at these young people nowadays an old man is walking, but a child is riding. They got embarrassed, and they changed their places round the corner. Again people were displeased, The young man has got all his life ahead of him, but hes walking on foot wearing his feet to blood, but the old man hasnt lived enough yet! And so on. You can walk all your life and listen to what is right and what is wrong. What is right for one will be wrong for the other. There is nothing absolute. They say its bad to kill people, but medals are awarded for this during the war. Everything is appropriate somewhere and not appropriate somewhere else. Somewhere its a cure; somewhere its poison. When doctors are helpless, mother takes a child and rushes to the sorceress, though its wrong and unscientific. But she does it because the result is important the child must get well. There is no absolute good or bad. Everything works with relevant dosage, circumstances and situation. At the moment when you must do something, you dont think about whats right or wrong. You just do it, and then, afterwards, it may turn out that you were right.
I want parents to be investors, not users. Children arent expenses, but investments. You invest energy, money, time and emotions into children. Think, when is it not in vain? Why are you doing it? What do you want to get? When you answer these questions to yourself, what you do is purposeful. You want your children to be physically, psychically and socially healthy. What can be the problem? When there is no such health. How can you understand it? You understand through collaboration, friendship and support interacting with children, talking to and watching them. The norm is our active and creative part in life, relevant action that we do here and now, our inner willingness to be in touch with children, understand and realize whats happening to them, what they feel, what is important for them and what they are engaged in. We are normal, wise and adequate parents, when we stop pretending inside and working for the public, when we set free a certain space for what Tolstoy was writing about: a person cant be taught to love, you just can remove the obstacles along the way of manifestation of love.
Questions
My son started working, but having his own money, he doesnt share with the family. I think he should take part in the family expenses, but he is of a different opinion. How can I make him change his mind?
Why do you think you have the right to command his money? Do you think that way he should pay for his happy childhood? Expectations dont work anyway. If you expected your child to start working and giving you part of his salary, then you had to tell him about that at the beginning. Expectations not having been clarified always end up in an offence, partisans war, revenge and fear. You should make the situation clear, Why do you start working? What do you want? How much will you earn? Are you ready to support the family budget? Or will you live apart and earn your living? You didnt clarify anything, the child started working, received his money and suddenly learned that he had to give it to you. In other words, his mother thinks, I want a new fur coat. Where can I get money? Ill take from my husband and my son, but she doesnt notify anybody about that. However, the child has his own plans for his money. So it happens that theres one wage, but two plans for it. You demand, he resists, and you start racketeering, threating and blackmailing. If you dont talk to your child, dont negotiate, but present him with a fait accompli, you deprive yourself of clarity, stay among your own illusions, and when you face the reality, you get stressed and start attacking your child even more furiously.