Cash Dispenser
My daughter is always asleep she goes to bed early, but still its difficult to wake her up to school in the morning. When she comes back home from school she naps for an hour again. I think this isnt normal. Is she lazy, or has she had problems at school? What should I do?
Since it suddenly started bothering you, then it must have appeared quite recently. It may be connected with some hormonal disorders, but if doctors have already examined her and told you that somatically shes healthy, well have a look at the psychological part of the case. She might get too tired. School stress is considered to be average, so for some students its easy, but for others its beyond the limits. If its too heavy for your daughter, then sleep is the way to protect her brain from overload. I dont think its a sign of laziness. Laziness is a social diagnosis, but even lazy people wake up when something meaningful and personally important for them happens. Maybe your daughter isnt interested in what she is doing. Nothing in her life excites her, and thats why she often sleeps. But we also cant ignore the fact that the number of hours she sleeps, that seems too much for you, is her individual norm and need.
My child has to go to school next year, but he doesnt like books, doesnt want to learn the letters, while most children of his age can write, read and are ready for school. What should I do?
If he cant read and write now he will learn. There is the first school year for that. The majority of children learn quickly at school, because its easier to study in a group, than at home, alone, with biased parents, who dont have teaching skills, relying on their own views about the childs development at a certain age. In the kindergarten my daughter attended, they told parents, We play and study with your children the whole day and they come home to relax. Please, dont educate and dont teach them anything. Give them some rest.
In your case you need to sort out the problem. Watch your son. Isnt he just fishing? It means that you need him reading and writing, but he doesnt want to learn to make you spin around him and worry about him. Maybe your child doesnt care about his age-mates reading and writing. But he may be offended by your constant comparing him with somebody, and then, being offended, he blocks his own development. Anyway just leave him alone. When you stop worrying about him, he will start thinking himself how to learn to read, to write and etc.
I try to bring up my son free from stereotypes, but communicating with his peers, who have got used to following some dogmas, he becomes an outcast. I think it will end up in his losing his trust in me or his staying alone. How can I prevent this?
Youre right. You already feel that your child doesnt trust you, keeps you at a distance, or you wouldnt ask me anything. The purpose of our upbringing is to make the child adequate, teach him to be appropriate, essential and sufficient, but not shocking by his extraordinary looks and deeds. If we teach the child to shock, we leave him to be assessed, disapproved and finally becoming an outcast. One mother was proud telling me about her son criticizing pedagogical skills of his teacher of English right at school. The teacher said, Either me or this boy! The principal chose the teacher, the boy changed schools, and at his new school he teaches his mathematician how to teach mathematics and his teacher of PE how to teach PE. This is a dreadful situation. The thing that frightens is that the boy uses his talents to make people hate him. If you know everything, and its too easy for you at school, pass all the exams without attending school and enter the university. You can use your abilities for your wellness, growth, development and for earning money. Or you can use your abilities for pampering your arrogance and self-importance and becoming an outcast.
All our classmates are engaged with some activity apart from school they visit some courses, clubs or trainings. But my daughter still cant decide what hobby to choose she isnt interested in anything. Is that OK?
Its OK, if its the manifestation of her individuality and she is really not interested in anything now. But it may be the sign of fishing: I see that my mum wants me to be engaged with something, but I wont do anything to spite her. However, fear may be the cornerstone for this situation. You might have criticized her when she was younger, when children fall in love with everything and want to do everything. You condemned something she wanted and forbade it, so now when you push her out of the house, she is afraid to make her choice, because she is afraid of your negative reaction to it.
My two adult children havent spoken with each other for about two years. All my attempts to make them closer are in vain. I dont understand how a sister and a brother can behave like that. The children of my friends are mostly close and friendly to each other. Why do they have so nice relations?
More often we dont talk when were offended. Keeping silence we try to punish the person who insulted us, so that he/she would feel as hard, bad and lonely as we do. Your anxious taking part doesnt become a cure, but something that makes this situation even worse and permanent. Keep out from the relationship between your children, stop worrying about them, and then they will take care about their relations themselves. Pushing and getting together feuding children wont make it any better.
We bought a bicycle as a present for our six-year-old daughter, but she doesnt use it. Although we had asked her before what she wanted to have as a present, she said a toy stroller. We offered her a bicycle, because we wanted to buy something more serious. She agreed to buy the bicycle, but now it keeps standing in the corner. Why?
She hasnt played enough with a stroller and she dreams about it, never mind what you think about her age and what she has to be fond of. She doesnt ride a bike now only because the stroller is still more important for her now. She agreed to buy the bike, because she didnt want to upset you; she wanted to please you, but not argue. After a while when she grows up, you will be surprised, Why is she so secretive? Why doesnt she tell us what she wants? Why doesnt she share her plans? Because when she was six, she understood that her sincere dream isnt so important for parents as their own opinion about what she should want and need.
If a girl became a mother at 20, when its early to speak about some maturity and abundance, what should she do?
Abundance is the feature and quality of a person, but not the age prerogative. A twenty-year-old mother can be abundant. But at the same time a mature woman can be poor. In fact there are a lot of stereotypes about age and about the time to become mothers. They call thirty-year-old women having their first child old nulliparous, thus creating fear and forcing immature people having nothing in their lives to parturiate as early as possible at 15, 16, 17. But other doctors say that its not safe to parturiate before you are 20. So, 30 is late, 20 is early2. Nobody takes into account the real readiness and maturity of the particular woman. The size of the coxofemoral bones, hormones and etc. are more important for the doctors, because they want to do everything right. The same dishonesty is in the diagnoses, which are written just in case. If one doctor overestimates the disease, never mind, the other doctors will understand him and correct. When they dont want to be responsible for the result, the doctors start shifting responsibility to the mother, to the father, to the vitamins, to the toxemia and to the violation of the diet. All this rat race has nothing to do with what is growing there in the abdomen. Meanwhile future parents having seen the half-page diagnosis get afraid of what they decide to do. The mother feels the guilt complex, because they said she did something wrong during parturition. Then this fear transfers to the children programming their further life. When the child is 30, they find excuses: he is so immature because of the birth injury.
Abundance is the feature and quality of a person, but not the age prerogative. A twenty-year-old mother can be abundant. But at the same time a mature woman can be poor. In fact there are a lot of stereotypes about age and about the time to become mothers. They call thirty-year-old women having their first child old nulliparous, thus creating fear and forcing immature people having nothing in their lives to parturiate as early as possible at 15, 16, 17. But other doctors say that its not safe to parturiate before you are 20. So, 30 is late, 20 is early2. Nobody takes into account the real readiness and maturity of the particular woman. The size of the coxofemoral bones, hormones and etc. are more important for the doctors, because they want to do everything right. The same dishonesty is in the diagnoses, which are written just in case. If one doctor overestimates the disease, never mind, the other doctors will understand him and correct. When they dont want to be responsible for the result, the doctors start shifting responsibility to the mother, to the father, to the vitamins, to the toxemia and to the violation of the diet. All this rat race has nothing to do with what is growing there in the abdomen. Meanwhile future parents having seen the half-page diagnosis get afraid of what they decide to do. The mother feels the guilt complex, because they said she did something wrong during parturition. Then this fear transfers to the children programming their further life. When the child is 30, they find excuses: he is so immature because of the birth injury.
§ 1.3. Feedback
Feedback disturbances between parents and children begin right from the moment of birth. Parents try to please other people, listen to their advice and keep their advice like old stiff photographs, paying no attention to their own children. When children grow up and get out of control, parents are surprised, "But we were bringing them up correctly all the relatives and neighbors approved of us." The thing is that bringing up children you shouldnt rely on the morals and what other people do, but on what you see "here and now," relying on what you feel when you contact with your children, understanding what your children say and how they do it.
What is most important is that we want our children to hear us. But if they were able to accept what was told, if they understood, felt and changed after that, it would not be of particular interest. Their consent and acceptance of our rightness is what is important. We change upbringing for self-admiration,"Look, Im a strict parent! What correct words I tell my children!" But children aged 6 or 7 dont hear what we say. Firstly, because we repeat one and the same thing. Secondly, because we ourselves dont implement what we teach them. So our connection is unilateral from an adult to a child. Im the parent, so Im right, I know how it should be, and youre little, you must listen to me. We dont think what the child feels about that. Ive planted a seed, will it grow? Its important that Ive planted it, that I was raising it, that I was repeating the same thing a hundred of times But whats the point of it, if it doesnt work?
In childhood children dont fully trust themselves; they dont strongly rely on themselves and always look back at the adults opinion. Look at this situation through the eyes of a child, "I do something and my parents start worrying, get afraid and frighten at once. They have no idea why I do that, but they start influencing." Children dont get a proper feedback from parents for the actions, receiving only their attitude to what they are doing. Therefore, children start attaching more importance to the attitude of other people to their actions, than to the importance of such actions personally for them.
Feedback is neutral information about what is happening. For example, the height above the sea level is 100 meters is that good or bad? It is neither good nor bad, just 100 meters above the sea level, thats all. The temperature is 3 degrees below zero is that good or bad? If its in the fridge its good, if youre outside wearing shorts its bad. The same is true with bringing up children. It happens that in the supermarket the child pulls his mother by the hair, beats her on the face, but she smiles, keeping calm, pretending that its OK. She sacrifices herself, endures shame and pain, doesnt give the feedback to the child, thus deceiving him. But at home she will punch him for some insignificant misbehavior for pouring water on the floor. Here, she will splash all her sacrificing endurance, and her reaction wont be adequate. Her aggression will be the reaction, but not a feedback on what the child had done. She will punish him not for pouring water, but for everything, she forced herself to endure during the day.
If your children have a fit of hysteria, if they are screaming you start screaming in the same manner, without fear, startle or anxiety. This will be the feedback. If we feel uncomfortable to scream when people look at us, the child begins to understand: when there are witnesses, mother yields and children start using it. They scream you scream. You show that you can behave the same way too. Once a beggar with a lamentable face came to me, "Grant for Christs sake!" I responded with a lamentable face, "Grant for Christs sake!" I gave the feedback, showing that I could do the same and the person changed something in his actions. Reflection is the feedback. In this respect, cats and dogs are more adequate teachers than parents are, because they are more honest. They dont care what somebody will think about them, but many parents do care about that.
If children hit me I hit them as well, but there is no anger, no fright, no fear, no pity or wish to look like somebody in the eyes of the witnesses, in my blow. My blow is emotionally neutral Im not trying to revenge or stop childrens action to prevent them from repeating it again. My blow is of the same power as the childrens ones, neither weaker nor stronger. A 5-year-old daughter of my friend once hit me on the head I hit her in the same manner; she hit me once again but weaker, I also hit her weaker, then she patted my head and I patted her head. This way life becomes a game. I feel every moment, how the environment reacts, I choose the manner of behavior depending on the expected reaction. Animals "bring up" their babies like this. When a kitten bites a cat, the cat bites it back, and it doesnt mean that the cat doesnt love the kitten just makes the kitten understand how she feels. There is no punishment in this bite she doesnt bite the kitten stronger, there is no pity she doesnt bite it weaker. She bites with the same strength as the kitten does. The point of feedback is to make you understand how I feel about your actions.
We have changed life for dead toys for children. You can do whatever you want with these toys beat them, cut with scissors, jump on them, tear away their legs, but toy creatures will still be smiling. Its one of the illusions we instill into our children, and they grow up not taking responsibility for their own actions. Toy producers can write "ecologically harmless," but I think all toys are "ecologically useless." No porolon cats and plastic dolls provide the children with the most important thing feedback. If you sit down on a live chicken it will die, if you sit down on a porolon one nothing will happen. If you break a real flower it will dry and die, if you bend a toy flower it will stand upright again and thats all.
Children tore apart the dolls head; it will neither cry of pain nor laugh. How should children understand if they were tender or violent? Children watch the parents reaction, and its really important for the reaction to be adequate to the childrens deed. If looking at the mutilated doll, parents laugh, this laughter is the feedback for children, the reaction to their deed. If adults laugh, then I do everything fine. But adults often behave completely inadequate, thats why its essential for children to have live toys, which will provide them with a reaction. A real cat will never endure humiliation it will spit and run away. So, children will start realizing the truth: if you torture the animal it runs away, if you stroke it it sits on your lap and purrs.