Children tore apart the dolls head; it will neither cry of pain nor laugh. How should children understand if they were tender or violent? Children watch the parents reaction, and its really important for the reaction to be adequate to the childrens deed. If looking at the mutilated doll, parents laugh, this laughter is the feedback for children, the reaction to their deed. If adults laugh, then I do everything fine. But adults often behave completely inadequate, thats why its essential for children to have live toys, which will provide them with a reaction. A real cat will never endure humiliation it will spit and run away. So, children will start realizing the truth: if you torture the animal it runs away, if you stroke it it sits on your lap and purrs.
I remember as a kid I had a baby owl, which we brought from the scouts camp. In the daylight, my brother covered the bird with a piece of cloth, but one day he forgot to do it and stepped on the bird. The owl died it was a factor of feedback for my brother. He then buried the bird, cried, but at the same time, he understood: if you behave the same with a living creature and a toy, the living thing dies.
At first, my daughter couldnt measure her power with the result. Back then we had a cat, Matilda, who didnt accept Vasilissas inadequacy and ran away each time she saw my daughter. So Vasilissa had to follow the cat and catch her in the corner to stroke, but still Matilda was struggling out of her hands and scratching. Then there appeared a second cat, Kefir. If my daughter did something to spite him and ran away, the cat ran after her, scratched her leg from behind, she stumbled, fell down and cried. Kefir became the best teacher for her.
If you dont want to buy a cat buy a plant. Let there be something living next to the child, then the child will see the reaction for action: you water the flower it blossoms, you forget about it it dies. Interacting with living beings, children understand that things dont happen as quick as they want, they realize: I become hysterical, but nothing changes. The flower grows as fast as it can and demands patience and care.
I suggest parents to support their children. Let your children be much more important to you than all these strangers in the supermarkets and in the street. Anyway, be on the childrens side, no matter how they behave. There will always be some "granny," who can say that your children are brought up badly. Dont take her side, take your childrens side. The world will wait; it will outlive the childrens whims and wont collapse because of a scream and a cry. The society will wait. Children will grow up and sort it out with the society, find their place in it, become somebody. Now children are little, they dont understand the social models and other peoples expectations, they dont know meanness, betrayal and other "nice" things.
I ask you not to be mean and not to betray children, because you are the only source of information about the world for them, and this information has to be adequate. Make children the main people for you, and then your reactions will always be natural and only possible. Treat your children the same way that any stranger would treat. If children break racks in the supermarket, dont allow them to do that, dont crawl on all fours for them, picking the scattered bags. Because if your children do that again and you arent near, nobody in this world will crawl and pick things up for them.
Getting adequate feedback from parents is a great advantage for your children. They begin to understand that different behavior with different creatures leads to different consequences. Children start choosing the manner of behavior and playing with the world. Children realize that they can "rule" the world: I do evil things I receive aggression, I do good things I receive good attitude. Children feel that they have a number of behavioral models, but at the same time they learn to be responsible for their actions, because now they know what consequences appear after certain actions. If children get used to their aggression turning to more parent care at home, then outside, receiving aggression for aggression, they will run back home. It will seem to children that only parents can understand them and they can survive only within the family. That is how we form parent attachment, because it is only with us that our inadequate children feel safe.
Questions
Should I buy toys with genital organs for my child? In general, should toys imitating people have vivid sexual characteristics?
Genitals are the same parts of the body as legs and hands. There is nothing special about them they are parts of the body. They are natural; unnatural is the attitude to them as to something dirty, indecent and bad. Today all political and religious bodies try to control, limit and portion affection and sex. There is one mystic in Moscow, Andrey Lapin, who observed, that everything in this world aims at harmony, and the absence of genitals in dolls doesnt solve the problem, but creates a profitable business the absent toy genitals are made separately and sold separately in the "Intim" stores (chain store for adults).
Parents consider toys with genitals and "adult" films, spied by children, provoking an "unhealthy" interest in children. But the "unhealthy" interest is exactly provoked by what we hide, forbid, punish for and are confused of. For example, if children see parents making love for them, just getting to know this world, this is only an event, which they see for the first time in their lives, and the relation is the same as to the first observation of the falling snow. If the mother becomes confused, and the father shouts at children, they thus create a certain attitude to this event. If its forbidden, the interest appears, the desire to understand, watch and try comes up. Thats why I say, that animals are better than dead toys. You cant hide animals genitals they exist. Children see that dogs have them, cats have them, and they have them. So, children dont have questions to the world, they are logical and consistent. However, when children take off dolls pants and there is nothing there it provokes interest. "Why do I have it, but the doll doesnt?" children ask parents such questions and parents become confused, shout and punish raising the degree of interest.
Should I punish the child in public? Or should I postpone it until we come back home, but the child may forget everything by that time. So isnt it more effective to point to the mistake immediately?
We dose our own reactions put forward or hide depending on the attitude of other people. But where is your child here? If you want to stop some action your child is doing, just do it. Restraining this desire, youll feel weak, dependent and unable of immediate action. In this case, youll definitely fly off the handle and shout at your kid if not in the supermarket, then at home, and this will be inadequate feedback.
Punishment for the past action is revenge. Its always inadequate. If you want to stop something stop it at once, if you cant accept this fact and leave everything as it is. Somebody else will stop the shop security or the salesperson. If you cant leave the situation as it is, because you have to act then act. For example, you stand on the pavement waiting for the green light, but your child rushes to cross the street on the red one. Just take the child by the jacket and hold. The most important thing is not to feel uneasy, if the child is screaming and breaking loose from your grip, and the passers-by are looking back on you. When I realize that this is the best thing to do now, I dont have to be ashamed or justify myself in the eyes of other people.
How do toys influence the formation of the childs personality? Should we buy plastic knives, handcuffs and cudgels for the boy?
If your child asks for knives and cudgels, then he wants to be like some film character. Treat it as a symptom the child starts losing himself, doesnt understand who he is. If the child wants to be like Schwarzenegger, then little attention is paid to the personality of the child in the child-parent relations. Watch your kid. If you like somebody shown on TV and the next day your child starts to imitate this character, then he isnt sure if the parents love him. Then the child tries to match some stereotypes. If mum calls Schwarzenegger a real man, the son wants to be like Arnold at once. Give your child love and attention, so that he wouldnt doubt if parents love him, if they are proud of him, then your child wont need to copy anybody.
I think its much better when the child doesnt imitate life with the help of plastic knives and hammers, but cuts something with a real knife and hammers real nails. I had a real scythe as a child the first time I cut fingers with it, but nobody paid attention, nobody released me from responsibility and, therefore, I learned to be more attentive with sharp things.
Should we buy adult cosmetics imitation for girls?
Its well-known that the best client is the one who became a client in the childhood. Thats why restaurants have "childrens days" they are both parent care and work for the future forming childrens demand and taste. Thus, restaurants bring up a future clients, people eating out when they grow up.
We live in a society where consumption plays the main role, and its important for the society to have people consuming nonstop. Childrens cosmetics is said to be harmless and even useful it is conservation, multiplication and maintenance of the tradition to make up and "tune" the face. There is no simple answer to this question should you buy or should not, allowed or forbidden. Think, why do you need the role of a "mother" and a "father"? How do you see your child in the future? When is this all not in vain? When will you be proud of your child? How important are the games she plays for the success of your project? If your daughter does make up to find her style, to look how it matches different clothes this is one thing. If she does make up to get some attention, to be noticed by people, if this is the only way for her to feel beautiful this is another thing. My daughter likes to dress up, draw, invent images, stage performances, do make up to my wife and her friends, besides she dreams of having a beauty parlor for animals. Any games of your child can build up future professional skills.
They sell "Little chemist," "Little physicist" kits, etc. Whats your opinion of such games?
The first question: who do I want my children to be? Independent or dependent, responsible or stupid, consumer or people with merit? When I have answers, its easier for me to decide what will be useful and harmful for my children. I will choose toys not because "doctors recommend" or "people usually buy," but because my children need something and it will be better for them. In this case I will take into account the childrens opinion, not mine. If children are interested in such kits, they gradually may fall in love with this activity to such a degree that it will become their profession.
What should I do if my son brought a stray cat or dog home? Can I make him bring the animal back to the street or should I indulge him supporting his care about weaker creatures?
The first reaction of the majority of mothers when they see such a nice couple the son and a puppy, is to feel pity for themselves. You havent cleaned after this puppy yet, but you already start suffering ahead youre so busy, youre so tired, you cant cope with the duties you have, and there is that puppy, and you have to do everything yourself, only yourself. Before taking your decision, sort out the problems; "have an eye for the ground" as military people say. Dont start lying like "this is somebody elses puppy, somebody might have come to pick it up, somebody is crying and looking for it; bring it back." Look at the child: how does he speak about the puppy? Has anything new appeared in him after meeting the animal? Why is it so important for him? Upbringing doesnt start with punishment and prohibition, but with revision and clarity. So far, all animals are toys for your child. He only knows that dogs are good, kind and soft, and he has no idea that they urinate, bite and can crunch his favorite books and toys.
Start by asking, "Where will it live? How will you feed it? How will you walk it out? Do you know that the puppy is alive, so you will have to clean after it? Why is it important to you? What do you feel? What will you do when the puppy grows up?" By the answers you will understand what is happening with the child. Questions teach to plan, to think about the future and to see the perspectives. Answers are certain promises, which the person gives and after some time of getting the experience, it will be possible to see if he keeps his promises or not. Even if you feel that the child is now lying a bit and making up, let him do it. Let him be inspired and believe that he will really be able to fulfill all his promises. Sometimes by their questions parents wait for the obvious answers, "Will you clean?" "Yes." "Will you be a good boy?" "Yes." There is no curiosity and sincerity in such questions. You make your child take responsibilities he has no idea about. Prior to taking a promise to "clean after a puppy," wonder if your child knows what its like. Because if he is not ready to face that the puppy will crunch his favorite toy, the child can take a hammer and beat the animal to death. We think that children are cruel, but they just dont see the difference between a porolon animal and a real one.
If a child misbehaves in the supermarket, but I absolutely dont want to fall down on the floor next to him, is there any other way to get feedback?
If you dont want to fall down, providing the feedback, leave your child alone let him play a fool, let him broil with anger. Accept that you can only influence through a contact. If there is no contact there is no influence (see the answer to the second question).
Together with my husband we dont let our 10-year-old daughter watch action movies on TV, criminal news etc. For a certain age we dont want her to know how much violence and cruelty there is in this world. Im sure that in this case she will grow up free, more open to interaction, to communication with people without fear for this world. Do you agree?
When parents create a fairy tale for their child, where there is no grief, poverty and death, this becomes an excellent ground for further frustrations. One day the child will come across the reality and will get to know that there are empty pockets and sufferings. This happened to Buddha, who didnt know that there were diseases, senility and death for 16 years, so when he left the palace he was shocked. While your child is just a kid, you can defend her and create absolute goodness for her, but one day she will step out into the real world and will be inadequate, not ready for defense. On the other hand, if you start speaking about the cruel dangerous world, full of criminals you will jump into another extremity. Such frightening will make no sense; because we dont have another world and you shouldnt cause fear and rejection of this world in children, bring them up in illusions, because you will have to cure it after a while. Do not hide anything from children. Just explain that the world is much more than they show in the news. News is not the life of the planet, but something that is interesting to some people; life is not only murders and theft, life is successes, orgasms, birth of children, excellent marks for exams, etc. Ask your child, "You have lived a day, have you seen any of the things shown on TV in our town?"