Thats because your finger is in the water. It must be changed directly, for it will get warm in a minute. Yulia, bring some ice from the cellar and another basin of water. Now she is gone, I can speak; will you give me the letter I sent you yesterday, dear Alexey Fyodorovitchbe quick, for mamma will be back in a minute and I dont want
I havent got the letter.
Thats not true, you have. I knew you would say that. Youve got it in that pocket. Ive been regretting that joke all night. Give me back the letter at once, give it me.
Ive left it at home.
But you cant consider me as a child, a little girl, after that silly joke! I beg your pardon for that silliness, but you must bring me the letter, if you really havent got itbring it today, you must, you must.
Today I cant possibly, for I am going back to the monastery and I shant come and see you for the next two daysthree or four perhapsfor Father Zossima
Four days, what nonsense! Listen. Did you laugh at me very much?
I didnt laugh at all.
Why not?
Because I believed all you said.
You are insulting me!
Not at all. As soon as I read it, I thought that all that would come to pass, for as soon as Father Zossima dies, I am to leave the monastery. Then I shall go back and finish my studies, and when you reach the legal age we will be married. I shall love you. Though I havent had time to think about it, I believe I couldnt find a better wife than you, and Father Zossima tells me I must marry.
But I am a cripple, wheeled about in a chair, laughed Lise, flushing crimson.
Ill wheel you about myself, but Im sure youll get well by then.
But you are mad, said Lise, nervously, to make all this nonsense out of a joke! Heres mamma, very à propos, perhaps. Mamma, how slow you always are, how can you be so long! And heres Yulia with the ice!
Oh, Lise, dont scream, above all things dont scream. That scream drives me How can I help it when you put the lint in another place? Ive been hunting and huntingI do believe you did it on purpose.
But I couldnt tell that he would come with a bad finger, or else perhaps I might have done it on purpose. My darling mamma, you begin to say really witty things.
Never mind my being witty, but I must say you show nice feeling for Alexey Fyodorovitchs sufferings! Oh, my dear Alexey Fyodorovitch, whats killing me is no one thing in particular, not Herzenstube, but everything together, thats what is too much for me.
Thats enough, mamma, enough about Herzenstube, Lise laughed gayly. Make haste with the lint and the lotion, mamma. Thats simply Goulards water, Alexey Fyodorovitch, I remember the name now, but its a splendid lotion. Would you believe it, mamma, on the way here he had a fight with the boys in the street, and it was a boy bit his finger, isnt he a child, a child himself? Is he fit to be married after that? For only fancy, he wants to be married, mamma. Just think of him married, wouldnt it be funny, wouldnt it be awful?
And Lise kept laughing her thin hysterical giggle, looking slyly at Alyosha.
But why married, Lise? What makes you talk of such a thing? Its quite out of placeand perhaps the boy was rabid.
Why, mamma! As though there were rabid boys!
Why not, Lise, as though I had said something stupid! Your boy might have been bitten by a mad dog and he would become mad and bite any one near him. How well she has bandaged it, Alexey Fyodorovitch! I couldnt have done it. Do you still feel the pain?
Its nothing much now.
You dont feel afraid of water? asked Lise.
Come, thats enough, Lise, perhaps I really was rather too quick talking of the boy being rabid, and you pounced upon it at once Katerina Ivanovna has only just heard that you are here, Alexey Fyodorovitch, she simply rushed at me, shes dying to see you, dying!
Ach, mamma, go to them yourself. He cant go just now, he is in too much pain.
Not at all, I can go quite well, said Alyosha.
What! You are going away? Is that what you say?
Well, when Ive seen them, Ill come back here and we can talk as much as you like. But I should like to see Katerina Ivanovna at once, for I am very anxious to be back at the monastery as soon as I can.
Mamma, take him away quickly. Alexey Fyodorovitch, dont trouble to come and see me afterwards, but go straight back to your monastery and a good riddance. I want to sleep, I didnt sleep all night.
Ah, Lise, you are only making fun, but how I wish you would sleep! cried Madame Hohlakov.
I dont know what Ive done. Ill stay another three minutes, five if you like, muttered Alyosha.
Even five! Do take him away quickly, mamma, he is a monster.
Lise, you are crazy. Let us go, Alexey Fyodorovitch, she is too capricious today. I am afraid to cross her. Oh, the trouble one has with nervous girls! Perhaps she really will be able to sleep after seeing you. How quickly you have made her sleepy, and how fortunate it is!
Ah, mamma, how sweetly you talk! I must kiss you for it, mamma.
And I kiss you too, Lise. Listen, Alexey Fyodorovitch, Madame Hohlakov began mysteriously and importantly, speaking in a rapid whisper. I dont want to suggest anything, I dont want to lift the veil, you will see for yourself whats going on. Its appalling. Its the most fantastic farce. She loves your brother, Ivan, and she is doing her utmost to persuade herself she loves your brother, Dmitri. Its appalling! Ill go in with you, and if they dont turn me out, Ill stay to the end.
Chapter V.
A Laceration in the Drawing-room
But in the drawingroom the conversation was already over. Katerina Ivanovna was greatly excited, though she looked resolute. At the moment Alyosha and Madame Hohlakov entered, Ivan Fyodorovitch stood up to take leave. His face was rather pale, and Alyosha looked at him anxiously. For this moment was to solve a doubt, a harassing enigma which had for some time haunted Alyosha. During the preceding month it had been several times suggested to him that his brother Ivan was in love with Katerina Ivanovna, and, what was more, that he meant to carry her off from Dmitri. Until quite lately the idea seemed to Alyosha monstrous, though it worried him extremely. He loved both his brothers, and dreaded such rivalry between them. Meantime, Dmitri had said outright on the previous day that he was glad that Ivan was his rival, and that it was a great assistance to him, Dmitri. In what way did it assist him? To marry Grushenka? But that Alyosha considered the worst thing possible. Besides all this, Alyosha had till the evening before implicitly believed that Katerina Ivanovna had a steadfast and passionate love for Dmitri; but he had only believed it till the evening before. He had fancied, too, that she was incapable of loving a man like Ivan, and that she did love Dmitri, and loved him just as he was, in spite of all the strangeness of such a passion.
But during yesterdays scene with Grushenka another idea had struck him. The word lacerating, which Madame Hohlakov had just uttered, almost made him start, because half waking up towards daybreak that night he had cried out Laceration, laceration, probably applying it to his dream. He had been dreaming all night of the previous days scene at Katerina Ivanovnas. Now Alyosha was impressed by Madame Hohlakovs blunt and persistent assertion that Katerina Ivanovna was in love with Ivan, and only deceived herself through some sort of pose, from selflaceration, and tortured herself by her pretended love for Dmitri from some fancied duty of gratitude. Yes, he thought, perhaps the whole truth lies in those words. But in that case what was Ivans position? Alyosha felt instinctively that a character like Katerina Ivanovnas must dominate, and she could only dominate some one like Dmitri, and never a man like Ivan. For Dmitri might at last submit to her domination to his own happiness (which was what Alyosha would have desired), but Ivanno, Ivan could not submit to her, and such submission would not give him happiness. Alyosha could not help believing that of Ivan. And now all these doubts and reflections flitted through his mind as he entered the drawingroom. Another idea, too, forced itself upon him: What if she loved neither of themneither Ivan nor Dmitri?
It must be noted that Alyosha felt as it were ashamed of his own thoughts and blamed himself when they kept recurring to him during the last month. What do I know about love and women and how can I decide such questions? he thought reproachfully, after such doubts and surmises. And yet it was impossible not to think about it. He felt instinctively that this rivalry was of immense importance in his brothers lives and that a great deal depended upon it.
One reptile will devour the other, Ivan had pronounced the day before, speaking in anger of his father and Dmitri. So Ivan looked upon Dmitri as a reptile, and perhaps had long done so. Was it perhaps since he had known Katerina Ivanovna? That phrase had, of course, escaped Ivan unawares yesterday, but that only made it more important. If he felt like that, what chance was there of peace? Were there not, on the contrary, new grounds for hatred and hostility in their family? And with which of them was Alyosha to sympathize? And what was he to wish for each of them? He loved them both, but what could he desire for each in the midst of these conflicting interests? He might go quite astray in this maze, and Alyoshas heart could not endure uncertainty, because his love was always of an active character. He was incapable of passive love. If he loved any one, he set to work at once to help him. And to do so he must know what he was aiming at; he must know for certain what was best for each, and having ascertained this it was natural for him to help them both. But instead of a definite aim, he found nothing but uncertainty and perplexity on all sides. It was lacerating, as was said just now. But what could he understand even in this laceration? He did not understand the first word in this perplexing maze.
Seeing Alyosha, Katerina Ivanovna said quickly and joyfully to Ivan, who had already got up to go, A minute! Stay another minute! I want to hear the opinion of this person here whom I trust absolutely. Dont go away, she added, addressing Madame Hohlakov. She made Alyosha sit down beside her, and Madame Hohlakov sat opposite, by Ivan.
You are all my friends here, all I have in the world, my dear friends, she began warmly, in a voice which quivered with genuine tears of suffering, and Alyoshas heart warmed to her at once. You, Alexey Fyodorovitch, were witness yesterday of that abominable scene, and saw what I did. You did not see it, Ivan Fyodorovitch, he did. What he thought of me yesterday I dont know. I only know one thing, that if it were repeated today, this minute, I should express the same feelings again as yesterdaythe same feelings, the same words, the same actions. You remember my actions, Alexey Fyodorovitch; you checked me in one of them (as she said that, she flushed and her eyes shone). I must tell you that I cant get over it. Listen, Alexey Fyodorovitch. I dont even know whether I still love him. I feel pity for him, and that is a poor sign of love. If I loved him, if I still loved him, perhaps I shouldnt be sorry for him now, but should hate him.