Her voice quivered, and tears glittered on her eyelashes. Alyosha shuddered inwardly. That girl is truthful and sincere, he thought, and she does not love Dmitri any more.
Thats true, thats true, cried Madame Hohlakov.
Wait, dear. I havent told you the chief, the final decision I came to during the night. I feel that perhaps my decision is a terrible onefor me, but I foresee that nothing will induce me to change itnothing. It will be so all my life. My dear, kind, everfaithful and generous adviser, the one friend I have in the world, Ivan Fyodorovitch, with his deep insight into the heart, approves and commends my decision. He knows it.
Yes, I approve of it, Ivan assented, in a subdued but firm voice.
But I should like Alyosha, too (Ah! Alexey Fyodorovitch, forgive my calling you simply Alyosha), I should like Alexey Fyodorovitch, too, to tell me before my two friends whether I am right. I feel instinctively that you, Alyosha, my dear brother (for you are a dear brother to me), she said again ecstatically, taking his cold hand in her hot one, I foresee that your decision, your approval, will bring me peace, in spite of all my sufferings, for, after your words, I shall be calm and submitI feel that.
I dont know what you are asking me, said Alyosha, flushing. I only know that I love you and at this moment wish for your happiness more than my own!But I know nothing about such affairs, something impelled him to add hurriedly.
In such affairs, Alexey Fyodorovitch, in such affairs, the chief thing is honor and duty and something higherI dont know whatbut higher perhaps even than duty. I am conscious of this irresistible feeling in my heart, and it compels me irresistibly. But it may all be put in two words. Ive already decided, even if he marries thatcreature, she began solemnly, whom I never, never can forgive, even then I will not abandon him. Henceforward I will never, never abandon him! she cried, breaking into a sort of pale, hysterical ecstasy. Not that I would run after him continually, get in his way and worry him. Oh, no! I will go away to another townwhere you likebut I will watch over him all my lifeI will watch over him all my life unceasingly. When he becomes unhappy with that woman, and that is bound to happen quite soon, let him come to me and he will find a friend, a sister. Only a sister, of course, and so for ever; but he will learn at least that that sister is really his sister, who loves him and has sacrificed all her life to him. I will gain my point. I will insist on his knowing me and confiding entirely in me, without reserve, she cried, in a sort of frenzy. I will be a god to whom he can prayand that, at least, he owes me for his treachery and for what I suffered yesterday through him. And let him see that all my life I will be true to him and the promise I gave him, in spite of his being untrue and betraying me. I willI will become nothing but a means for his happiness, orhow shall I say?an instrument, a machine for his happiness, and that for my whole life, my whole life, and that he may see that all his life! Thats my decision. Ivan Fyodorovitch fully approves me.
She was breathless. She had perhaps intended to express her idea with more dignity, art and naturalness, but her speech was too hurried and crude. It was full of youthful impulsiveness, it betrayed that she was still smarting from yesterdays insult, and that her pride craved satisfaction. She felt this herself. Her face suddenly darkened, an unpleasant look came into her eyes. Alyosha at once saw it and felt a pang of sympathy. His brother Ivan made it worse by adding:
Ive only expressed my own view, he said. From any one else, this would have been affected and overstrained, but from youno. Any other woman would have been wrong, but you are right. I dont know how to explain it, but I see that you are absolutely genuine and, therefore, you are right.
But thats only for the moment. And what does this moment stand for? Nothing but yesterdays insult. Madame Hohlakov obviously had not intended to interfere, but she could not refrain from this very just comment.
Quite so, quite so, cried Ivan, with peculiar eagerness, obviously annoyed at being interrupted, in any one else this moment would be only due to yesterdays impression and would be only a moment. But with Katerina Ivanovnas character, that moment will last all her life. What for any one else would be only a promise is for her an everlasting burdensome, grim perhaps, but unflagging duty. And she will be sustained by the feeling of this duty being fulfilled. Your life, Katerina Ivanovna, will henceforth be spent in painful brooding over your own feelings, your own heroism, and your own suffering; but in the end that suffering will be softened and will pass into sweet contemplation of the fulfillment of a bold and proud design. Yes, proud it certainly is, and desperate in any case, but a triumph for you. And the consciousness of it will at last be a source of complete satisfaction and will make you resigned to everything else.
This was unmistakably said with some malice and obviously with intention; even perhaps with no desire to conceal that he spoke ironically and with intention.
Oh, dear, how mistaken it all is! Madame Hohlakov cried again.
Alexey Fyodorovitch, you speak. I want dreadfully to know what you will say! cried Katerina Ivanovna, and burst into tears. Alyosha got up from the sofa.
Its nothing, nothing! she went on through her tears. Im upset, I didnt sleep last night. But by the side of two such friends as you and your brother I still feel strongfor I knowyou two will never desert me.
Unluckily I am obliged to return to Moscowperhaps tomorrowand to leave you for a long timeAnd, unluckily, its unavoidable, Ivan said suddenly.
Tomorrowto Moscow! her face was suddenly contorted; butbut, dear me, how fortunate! she cried in a voice suddenly changed. In one instant there was no trace left of her tears. She underwent an instantaneous transformation, which amazed Alyosha. Instead of a poor, insulted girl, weeping in a sort of laceration, he saw a woman completely selfpossessed and even exceedingly pleased, as though something agreeable had just happened.
Oh, not fortunate that I am losing you, of course not, she corrected herself suddenly, with a charming society smile. Such a friend as you are could not suppose that. I am only too unhappy at losing you. She rushed impulsively at Ivan, and seizing both his hands, pressed them warmly. But what is fortunate is that you will be able in Moscow to see auntie and Agafya and to tell them all the horror of my present position. You can speak with complete openness to Agafya, but spare dear auntie. You will know how to do that. You cant think how wretched I was yesterday and this morning, wondering how I could write them that dreadful letterfor one can never tell such things in a letter. Now it will be easy for me to write, for you will see them and explain everything. Oh, how glad I am! But I am only glad of that, believe me. Of course, no one can take your place. I will run at once to write the letter, she finished suddenly, and took a step as though to go out of the room.
And what about Alyosha and his opinion, which you were so desperately anxious to hear? cried Madame Hohlakov. There was a sarcastic, angry note in her voice.
I had not forgotten that, cried Katerina Ivanovna, coming to a sudden standstill, and why are you so antagonistic at such a moment? she added, with warm and bitter reproachfulness. What I said, I repeat. I must have his opinion. More than that, I must have his decision! As he says, so it shall be. You see how anxious I am for your words, Alexey Fyodorovitch. But whats the matter?
I couldnt have believed it. I cant understand it! Alyosha cried suddenly in distress.
What? What?
He is going to Moscow, and you cry out that you are glad. You said that on purpose! And you begin explaining that you are not glad of that but sorry to belosing a friend. But that was acting, tooyou were playing a partas in a theater!
In a theater? What? What do you mean? exclaimed Katerina Ivanovna, profoundly astonished, flushing crimson, and frowning.
Though you assure him you are sorry to lose a friend in him, you persist in telling him to his face that its fortunate he is going, said Alyosha breathlessly. He was standing at the table and did not sit down.
What are you talking about? I dont understand.
I dont understand myself. I seemed to see in a flash I know I am not saying it properly, but Ill say it all the same, Alyosha went on in the same shaking and broken voice. What I see is that perhaps you dont love Dmitri at all and never have, from the beginning. And Dmitri, too, has never loved you and only esteems you. I really dont know how I dare to say all this, but somebody must tell the truth for nobody here will tell the truth.
What truth? cried Katerina Ivanovna, and there was an hysterical ring in her voice.
Ill tell you, Alyosha went on with desperate haste, as though he were jumping from the top of a house. Call Dmitri; I will fetch himand let him come here and take your hand and take Ivans and join your hands. For youre torturing Ivan, simply because you love himand torturing him, because you love Dmitri through selflacerationwith an unreal lovebecause youve persuaded yourself.
Alyosha broke off and was silent.
You you you are a little religious idiotthats what you are! Katerina Ivanovna snapped. Her face was white and her lips were moving with anger.
Ivan suddenly laughed and got up. His hat was in his hand.
You are mistaken, my good Alyosha, he said, with an expression Alyosha had never seen in his face beforean expression of youthful sincerity and strong, irresistibly frank feeling. Katerina Ivanovna has never cared for me! She has known all the time that I cared for herthough I never said a word of my love to hershe knew, but she didnt care for me. I have never been her friend either, not for one moment; she is too proud to need my friendship. She kept me at her side as a means of revenge. She revenged with me and on me all the insults which she has been continually receiving from Dmitri ever since their first meeting. For even that first meeting has rankled in her heart as an insultthats what her heart is like! She has talked to me of nothing but her love for him. I am going now; but, believe me, Katerina Ivanovna, you really love him. And the more he insults you, the more you love himthats your laceration. You love him just as he is; you love him for insulting you. If he reformed, youd give him up at once and cease to love him. But you need him so as to contemplate continually your heroic fidelity and to reproach him for infidelity. And it all comes from your pride. Oh, theres a great deal of humiliation and selfabasement about it, but it all comes from pride. I am too young and Ive loved you too much. I know that I ought not to say this, that it would be more dignified on my part simply to leave you, and it would be less offensive for you. But I am going far away, and shall never come back. It is for ever. I dont want to sit beside a laceration.But I dont know how to speak now. Ive said everything. Goodby, Katerina Ivanovna; you cant be angry with me, for I am a hundred times more severely punished than you, if only by the fact that I shall never see you again. Goodby! I dont want your hand. You have tortured me too deliberately for me to be able to forgive you at this moment. I shall forgive you later, but now I dont want your hand. Den Dank, Dame, begehr ich nicht, he added, with a forced smile, showing, however, that he could read Schiller, and read him till he knew him by heartwhich Alyosha would never have believed. He went out of the room without saying goodby even to his hostess, Madame Hohlakov. Alyosha clasped his hands.